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sorry, just a lonely moan :(

(36 Posts)
mybumpsaboy Wed 17-Sep-08 21:39:40

hey all...

well it's ex's birthday tomorrow. I sent him a prezzie off his soon-to-be son, & we did have a nice eve the other night where we managed not to argue and only talked about the lo.

Just had it absolutely confirmed tonight tho that he is going out with the 17yr old that he was shagging throughout our relationship (& who he told repeatedly that he was in love with). Guess he really is in love with her. He's booked the day off work (unheard of for him!!!) to spend his bday with her & have a party with her mates...when I was round there the other day he's got all her CDs playing on repeat and talks about her choice of music etc...& all her facebook etc statuses are about being "so happy now". I guess it at least proves I wasn't crazy for leaving

But now there's just me...& the bump...& i might not even get him for half the week when daddy gets his shared residency - SHE'LL be seeing my baby about as often as I will Feel really sad...I know he treated me like rubbish simply by being with me & asking to start a family when he was in love with someone else. But can't stop loving him, can't stop being scared of the sheer loneliness of doing this on my own, can't stop wishing I had someone to share the excitement of the pregnancy & my baby with.

& it HURTS so damn much


Hadassah Wed 17-Sep-08 21:43:49

Sympathies, but I have never heard of shared residency for newborn babies. How would that work?

mybumpsaboy Wed 17-Sep-08 21:49:20

i have NO idea....apparantly his solicitor seems to think it should

justabouthadcurry Wed 17-Sep-08 21:50:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hadassah Wed 17-Sep-08 21:53:42

I don't know much about this but my understanding is that both parents would have to agree to a joint residency order AND the court would have to agree that this order would be in the child's best interests. I cannot see how it could possibly be in a small baby's best interests. It makes no sense, IYSWYM?

SmugColditz Wed 17-Sep-08 21:55:29

Well, don't give him shared residency then. No court in the land would allow a baby to be taken from it's mother for so long!

SmugColditz Wed 17-Sep-08 21:57:22

His solicitor will be as close to telling lies as you can legally be, that's what solicitors are for.

Please put this out of your mind. He'll be lucky to be granted ANY alone time with the baby if you don't want that to happen. Get any ideas of shared residency off your mind, it's not gonna happen.

ANTagony Wed 17-Sep-08 21:57:29

So sorry for your pain. My other half left for another women when our boys were one and three. He is an intelligent man and a writer and was able to make very convincing statements about what he was entitled to including getting his solicitor to send letters demanding what I considered unreasonable access.

I will try to find some links tomorrow to the advice I received but basically I was told that family courts don't award over night access to children under three without the consent of the resident parent (i.e. you).

Just because he's made you feel bad don't let him control the situation. You should be able to get a free consultation at a solicitors to get some basic advice or go to the citizens advice.

Your not alone have a good moan mums net is a godsend at times for getting things off your chest.

Good luck

iLoveIceCream Wed 17-Sep-08 22:09:11

My DS father took me to court to get our son overnight on a wednesday and every sunday when he was only 5 weeks old. He wasnt even given that so please dont worry at all about shared residency x

misi Wed 17-Sep-08 22:22:50

shared residence does not mean shared care. shared residence conveys rights to both parents to say that the child has 2 parents if that makes sense?
shared residence as opposed to parental responsibilty conveys little extra in the way of legal rights but does convey to a child that it has two equal parents.

every child has a right to both parents but the practicalities of shared care for such a young child is not that good.

instead of lining the pockets of solicitors whose main aim is to do what is best for their client (ie you, the adult) and not what is best for the child (the legal obligations of solicitors is to the person who engages them, not to a 3rd party like a child), why don't you sit down with ex and talk?

shared residence will make little difference to you but a huge difference to dad and child. shared care is virtually unheard of for new borns, and as for no overnights for under 3's unless mum agrees, thats rubbish, my ex refused point blank for overnights even though I was my sons main carer before separation and I got shared res and 2 nights week and my son was 18 months old.

why not say to ex that to keep things amicable and out of court, no overnights till baby is older and settled but you will agree to shared res and contact during the day in between feeds (if you are going to breast feed) or for so many hours so many times per week (if you bottle feed). this way you can dictate when and for how long, appear to be very reasonable and co-operative and you control the environment where your baby is (and the new G/f has little to do with baby for quite some time).
work out, when you have come home and settled back in, when would be best for your ex to come see the baby (at your home or take out for walks) that suits your routine and gives you the time you will need to yourself. this way, if he disagrees and wants to go to court, your reasonableness will stick out like a sore thumb and show him to be unreasonable, but it is likely that his solicitor will tell him he will not get any better and tell him to accept. no court, no stress, no cafcass reports and officers sticking thier noses in right at the time you could do without all the stress of court/legal battles.

I am not overly good at writing letters but have written quite a few for mums as well as dads before, if you wish to see a solicitor go for it if it will put your mind at rest, otherwise I would be happy to write something for you to send (after you adjust it to suit your style of course!!)

the main thing I worry about especially when emotions are still strong is that the earlier you start legal actions, the more animosity and stress there will be.
you appear to be on reasonable terms at the moment, it would be the best thing possible for your child (and for you) to keep it that way if you can??

ps a court can order shared residence even if mum is vehemently opposed, in fact a lot of courts work on the basis of the more animosity and non co-operation there is between parents, the more likely they are to order a shared res order. my ex even made up lies about me being agressive and violent toward my son to stop a SR order it just made it more likely for me to get it though!!

ShyBaby Wed 17-Sep-08 22:26:11

Right. Pull yourself together.

Facebook means nothing. Playing cds means nothing. What is facebook? I joined mainly to see what one of my (ex) friends was up to and felt suffocated by the amount of fluffy teddies and lattes being thrown squid...or something. My "friend" is one of the most dishonest people I have ever known who lived with a violent man for years to the detriment of her kids yet has filled in numerous surveys with the results stating she is honest, loving, takes no crap blah blah blah. Oh she's so happy now etc. Please, that site is a car crash.

What does playing a CD prove? Really?

Sweet, the grass is not always greener. You are about to do a wonderful thing. You are going to bring up a child the best way you know how. (and do a fine job of it). You could post any old shit you wanted on facebook. Yes, its tough going through a pregnancy on your own...I did and I feel slightly robbed grin but in years to come that doesn't matter so much when you see how well you handled it, and how great your kid is.

I've had my tearing out hair moments over the past five years, my dd was nasty. But, she's now at school and growing into a very nice little person. Twas tough, but we got through it smile

zookeeper Wed 17-Sep-08 22:27:30

sorry you're feeling down.

He hasn't a hope in hell of getting shared residency - I would be very surprised if he even got overnght staying contact especially for a newborn baby. I wouldn't make fixed plans until you have your babe and see how you feel.

SmugColditz Wed 17-Sep-08 22:33:00

Misi, I didn't know men had functional nipples! How nice that they are just as good as a mother at breastfeeding - they kept that under their hat, didn't they!

Breastfeed exclusively until 6 months, and he won't be seeing the child out of your sight. This may not be something you want to happen - but you should be aware that you can make that happen.

misi Wed 17-Sep-08 22:41:18

smugcolditz, not sure what you are on about with the nipples, maybe you did not read my post properly?, but your method will only breed contempt and animosity. a child has 2 parents and no one has a right to stop one having contact unless there is good reason. mybumpsaboy and her ex appear on reasonable terms at the moment so should endevour to keep it that way for the sake of the child. anything else will be detrimental to the childs future welfare, is that what you want with the suggestion you made?

this is what I wrote to save you going back

why not say to ex that to keep things amicable and out of court, no overnights till baby is older and settled but you will agree to shared res and contact during the day in between feeds (if you are going to breast feed) or for so many hours so many times per week (if you bottle feed). this way you can dictate when and for how long, appear to be very reasonable and co-operative and you control the environment where your baby is (and the new G/f has little to do with baby for quite some time).

ShyBaby Wed 17-Sep-08 22:58:32

Jeez. How abouts we turn this thread into a big debate misi?

Op would like that I think hmm

Have a little sensitivity.

spicemonster Wed 17-Sep-08 23:02:13

misi - if you're feeding on demand, that just isn't practical. Sorry, but it just doesn't work

misi Wed 17-Sep-08 23:05:15

I offered my advice and views which the OP is free to take up or ignore, I have not once told her what to do and have not misquoted or misread anyones elses post. I have placed reasonable options to the OP that will hopefully reduce or cut out any further stress and animosity which equates to being sensitive to her future needs and to the babies future needs too. read some of the other posts on this thread, sensitive they are not, inciting future problems, yes, why create confronation when there is no need at this moment in time?

misi Wed 17-Sep-08 23:13:51

spicemonster, no court will deny all contact with dad unless there is good reason too (this is normally only for abuse, violence ect). I have known cases where the court has ordered the mother to hand baby over for contact and suggested she express milk to give to dad to feed if baby gets hungry. my suggestion negates this and puts mum in control. if you can keep this out of court and be seen to be reasonable, then mum can dictate when, where, how long for and be in control, leave it up to the courts and you will have the stress of many hearings, cafcass officers poking through your business and home, stress of not knowing what the court will order (sometimes a judge has a whim and can order quite strange things, mothers for justice are promoting a petition to No.10 to make all judges undergo psychiatric evaluation before they sit in 'judgement!!)

no stress now will mean better end of pregnancy, better birth, better breast feeding, more content baby (as babies pick up and can ingest stress hormones from mum through milk) and less hassle down the road. if after all her efforts to be reasonable and co-operative, dad still goes to court, mum will have a greater chance of getting exactly what she wants, but then the future for the child will be one of continued confrontation and stress

ShyBaby Wed 17-Sep-08 23:18:23

Paint it any way you want. Op is feeling hurt, is pregnant on her own. If we want to debate, can we not start another thread? This is no help to her whatsoever.

Where the hell did contact opinions come into it? Come on, lets not even get into this.

solidgoldbrass Wed 17-Sep-08 23:25:27

Mybump: is your XP really asking for 'shared residency'? Or is he just threatening to ask for it as a way of winding you up? As others have said, allow him reasonable access to your baby (I am using 'your' in the plural sense here as it is his baby too even though he is not your partner) and bear in mind that if his new partner is only 17 she is not that likely to want to spend half her week taking care of a newborn that is not her own.

I am a single parent: when I was pregnant DS dad didn't want to know, however he changed his mind shortly before the birth but he wouldn't have dreamed of asking for shared custody. He saw DS a few times as a newborn and gradually increased it, now he sees him at least twice a week and often looks after him overnight (DS is nearly 4). Misi is right to say that amicable arrangements are better all round, but it is not unreasonable to restrict severely the amount of time a newborn baby spends away from his/her mum: if you keep saying to your XP that contact/access will increase as your baby grows older then (unless he's a point-scoring unreasonable arse) he ought to be happy to allow you to dictate what happens as long as you are reasonable.

misi Thu 18-Sep-08 00:57:48

shybaby, new thread started as asked for

gillybean2 Thu 18-Sep-08 09:23:35

I think misi's post and suggestions are excellent. I think the problems perceived in it from some here is the complete misunderstanding about what shared residency is.

*Shared residency does NOT mean shared or equal time.* It simply means that you are regarded as equal parents. The contact etc does not have to be split 50/50 or anywhere close to it if you have shared residency.

I don't see how there would be any problems at all with allowing lo's dad to see him in between breastfeeds and to pop out for a walk etc once baby had been fed. This is what Misi was suggesting.

And if bottle fed then there is no issue really. Anyone suggesting the breast milk should be expressed and bottled fed by someone else gets short shrify from me i'm afraid. Breast and bottle feeding are different experiences for baby and unless it's what you want to do don't be persuaded to do it just so that others can help feed baby. It is not a simple and straightforward thing that baby will accept or that your body will adapt too easily.

Sorry you got a hard time misi. I would put it down to those who either did not read properly or simply refuse to understand what shared residency actually is.

misi Thu 18-Sep-08 10:59:32

thanks gilly, you got my thoughts to a tee!!

at that age, a baby and dad, if only having a few mins contact between feeds is better than none. mybump should be able to dictate insist on a plan of action with dad as to contact arrangements. if dad is genuinely interested then at the early ages he will be amenable to the routine or non routine of feeding.
quite a few mums I have had as clients have said they wish that after feeding they got the chance to walk away for a while to shower, eat or have a walk to collect their thoughts without baby around them. if mybump works it right and has a good relationship with dad, she will be able to do this and everyone will benefit except for the solicitors who will have to go hawk thier vitriol elsewhere.

solidgoldbrass's example is a good one, it appears to be amicable, beneficial to both parents and mainly to the child but it also (if SGB doesn't mind me assuming?) appears to be on SGB's terms?????

Tinkerbel6 Thu 18-Sep-08 11:55:40

misi and his axe to grind hmm

mybaby try not too stress as its not good for the baby, see what happens when you little one arrives, for all you know he might not even be with this 17 year old s
anymore and it could just be mid life crisis (how old is he ?). I doubt very much that your baby will be taken from you and given to your ex for half of the week, maybe come to an agreement on access yourself rather than both sides spening money for someone else to make the decision, for all you know you might want your ex to come round a few times of the week to bond with the baby and give you some time to spend on yourself even if its to have a bath, have a little sleep or get some housework done

misi Thu 18-Sep-08 12:23:40

tinkerbel6, how unnecessary, completely wrong and unhelpful to mybump that statement was!!

if I ground my axe I would be saying she needs to hand baby over to dad and be done with it!!

my ex wanted nothing to do with my son, rejected him at birth, refused to hold him for 2 hours after birth which is when he bonded with me instead. she never produced enough milk but refused to try formula and it took a HV suggesting she would involve social services to get my ex to realise she was harming baby by denying him bottles when she knew she wasn't feeding him properly.
during this time, when she attempted to feed, she would finish then dump him on me and either go back to sleep if at night or go for a walk, watch TV or go play on her play station straight after. I did everything apart from the very few times I was absent, but even then, I came home one day to find my son crawling along the floor with no nappy on and poo and wee all over him as she couldn't be bothered to change him. for 18 months I was main, primary, almost total carer until I was forced out of my home. all contact was stopped and court proceedings had to be initiated after I spent 3 months trying to negoiate and mediate a solution. after the court gave me a shared res order and 2 nights a week contact, we had a 2 hour conversation whereby she admitted her solicitor had told her to stop contact so as to start a new status quo in her favour. she also admitted that she had stopped contact as even though she did not want him (and still doesn't) she did not want me to have him cos she was jealous of our relationship. she also said that if it were up to her, she would have put my son up for adoption.

if I let my experiences colour my thoughts I would not give the suggestions I do, as one thing I have learnt from all this is that warring parents, animosity, confrontation and not talking to your ex only hurts the children. if the parents are truly wanting what is best for the child, they will work together and find a solution, if after trying your hardest, one/either parent messes up, fails in their responsibilities, causes problems then the other parent has a right to protect the child from that harm, but NO PARENT has the right to stop contact with the other unless there is good reason, and mybump has not said that her ex is violent, agressive or anything uncondusive to safety, in fact she suggests she is still in love with him.

I may be a dad who is a victim of the family injustice system and the inherent bias contained within, but I do not and never have let it cloud my judgement or advice as others do. to date for you information, I have helped more mums in court than dads and did actually advise one mum to stop contact until a court hearing could be arranged due to the behaviour of dad. I am pro child first, parents second and tailor my advice/suggestions to each individual case based on info supplied, I have never used the one size fits all scenario as others frequently do

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