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God, I feel like shit...have just completely lost it with XP and DD [sad]

55 replies

TequilaMockinBird · 08/09/2008 22:29

I'm not really looking for any responses to this, just need to get it down I think.

For those who have read my previous posts, I split with XP because of his controlling behaviour and abuse. I still see him and am civil to him because of DD (10).

Anyway, XP has DD usually one night a week. As he works shifts, he can't have her until he finishes at 9pm and even then will only have her if I drive all the way into town with her, pick him up and drop them both at his. I then have to go back at 8.15 the next morning to pick her up and drop her at CM's.

I really object to doing this but if I didnt do it then he wouldnt see DD at all and she would be heartbroken. He does get 2 full days off a week but won't have her on these days because he has 'other things to do' .

So tonight DD was getting ready to go and she came from the kitchen with a carrier bag full of food. I asked what was in the bag and she showed me - orange juice, crisps, bread, butter and a tin of chicken soup. Now, she usually has to take snacks with her when she goes to XP's because he 'cant afford' to buy her any . Again, I object to her taking this but if she didnt then she wouldnt get fed so I just turn a blind eye.

I'd had a really bad day today at work anyway and was really tired after being up most of the night with toothache. I asked her why she needed to take all those things to dads and she replied saying that he had asked her to take something that he could have for his supper as he couldn't afford any food because he'd had to give me all of his money

Now he pays me 12 measly quid a week in maintenance, he lives in shared accommodation and pays a total of £50 a week to live there (which includes all of his bills, council tax etc.). He also works full time - 5 days out of 7 - and can afford to go out 3 or 4 nights a week after work and also to the casino gambling on a weekend.

Anyway, we drove to pick him up and when he got in the car he asked what DD had brought him to eat. I managed to bite my tongue whilst she reeled off the contents of the carrier bag and he responded with 'fuckin chicken soup? I've had nothing to eat all day, what the fuck is chicken soup going to do'

After that reaction I had to say something and so told him (calmly) that it wasnt mine nor DD's responsibility to ensure that he was fed and that he should maybe budget his money a bit better to ensure he has enough for food.

This obviously didnt go down very well and again he said that it's because he has to pay all the spare money he has to me. DD then started saying 'yeah mum if you didnt take all dads money off him then he could afford to eat and wouldnt be making himself ill' . I ignored this, mainly because I couldnt think of anything nice to reply with and also because I was so upset that DD had 'taken his side' so to speak, again.

I never say anything bad about him infront of DD because I know that one day she'll realise what he's like anyway but it really upsets me that she thinks the sun shines out of his arse and that I'm always the bad bugger .

He never pays for anything for her other than the £12 maintenance I get a week. I pay for everything. He won't even pay half for school trips because that's my responsibility apparently. During the summer holidays, DD was with CM full time. I took 2 weeks holiday so that I could spend some time with her as I felt guilty about her being with CM the whole time, and he had her for one day. Now bearing in mind he gets 2 days off a week and also has paid holiday which he could've taken, I think he could've made more of an effort!

Anyway, going back to the car conversation, the pair of them carried on chatting while I was driving with tears in my eyes. The conversation changed to DD's birthday and she was talking about the dolls house she wants. I'd already told her that she wouldn't be able to have it because it's far too expensive (£300!) so I mentioned this again to her and told her not to get her hopes up as it was a lot of money etc. He responded with 'you see how nasty your mum is, she wont even buy you what you want for your birthday even though i've given her more than enough money to pay for it'. DD then started saying 'is that true mum, if dad's paid for it then i should get it' etc. etc. and I'm ashamed to say that I just completely lost it

I pulled up outside his house, told him that he needed to get a proper house, she could move in with him and he could then see what it's like to be a single parent . I now feel like shit, DD heard what I said and I know it's not her fault that he can manipulate her and that she thinks he's wonderful. She now must think that I don't want her and that I want her to go and live with him (which I really don't)

Thanks if you've got this far, like I said I'm not looking for any replies really just needed to get it down. This has now been going on for months and I'm just really fed up with it. I guess he's still controlling me now but I don't know how to stop it without it affecting DD seeing him.

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3littlefrogs · 08/09/2008 22:33

I have a 10 yr old DD. She would be more than capable of doing the maths.

I understand that you don't want to turn her against her father, but maybe she deserves a little honesty?

So sorry you are going through this - it sounds horrendous.