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God, I feel like shit...have just completely lost it with XP and DD [sad]

(56 Posts)
TequilaMockinBird Mon 08-Sep-08 22:29:17

I'm not really looking for any responses to this, just need to get it down I think.

For those who have read my previous posts, I split with XP because of his controlling behaviour and abuse. I still see him and am civil to him because of DD (10).

Anyway, XP has DD usually one night a week. As he works shifts, he can't have her until he finishes at 9pm and even then will only have her if I drive all the way into town with her, pick him up and drop them both at his. I then have to go back at 8.15 the next morning to pick her up and drop her at CM's.

I really object to doing this but if I didnt do it then he wouldnt see DD at all and she would be heartbroken. He does get 2 full days off a week but won't have her on these days because he has 'other things to do' hmm.

So tonight DD was getting ready to go and she came from the kitchen with a carrier bag full of food. I asked what was in the bag and she showed me - orange juice, crisps, bread, butter and a tin of chicken soup. Now, she usually has to take snacks with her when she goes to XP's because he 'cant afford' to buy her any hmm. Again, I object to her taking this but if she didnt then she wouldnt get fed so I just turn a blind eye.

I'd had a really bad day today at work anyway and was really tired after being up most of the night with toothache. I asked her why she needed to take all those things to dads and she replied saying that he had asked her to take something that he could have for his supper as he couldn't afford any food because he'd had to give me all of his money shock angry

Now he pays me 12 measly quid a week in maintenance, he lives in shared accommodation and pays a total of £50 a week to live there (which includes all of his bills, council tax etc.). He also works full time - 5 days out of 7 - and can afford to go out 3 or 4 nights a week after work and also to the casino gambling on a weekend.

Anyway, we drove to pick him up and when he got in the car he asked what DD had brought him to eat. I managed to bite my tongue whilst she reeled off the contents of the carrier bag and he responded with 'fuckin chicken soup? I've had nothing to eat all day, what the fuck is chicken soup going to do' angry

After that reaction I had to say something and so told him (calmly) that it wasnt mine nor DD's responsibility to ensure that he was fed and that he should maybe budget his money a bit better to ensure he has enough for food.

This obviously didnt go down very well and again he said that it's because he has to pay all the spare money he has to me. DD then started saying 'yeah mum if you didnt take all dads money off him then he could afford to eat and wouldnt be making himself ill' sad. I ignored this, mainly because I couldnt think of anything nice to reply with and also because I was so upset that DD had 'taken his side' so to speak, again.

I never say anything bad about him infront of DD because I know that one day she'll realise what he's like anyway but it really upsets me that she thinks the sun shines out of his arse and that I'm always the bad bugger sad.

He never pays for anything for her other than the £12 maintenance I get a week. I pay for everything. He won't even pay half for school trips because that's my responsibility apparently. During the summer holidays, DD was with CM full time. I took 2 weeks holiday so that I could spend some time with her as I felt guilty about her being with CM the whole time, and he had her for one day. Now bearing in mind he gets 2 days off a week and also has paid holiday which he could've taken, I think he could've made more of an effort!

Anyway, going back to the car conversation, the pair of them carried on chatting while I was driving with tears in my eyes. The conversation changed to DD's birthday and she was talking about the dolls house she wants. I'd already told her that she wouldn't be able to have it because it's far too expensive (£300!) so I mentioned this again to her and told her not to get her hopes up as it was a lot of money etc. He responded with 'you see how nasty your mum is, she wont even buy you what you want for your birthday even though i've given her more than enough money to pay for it'. DD then started saying 'is that true mum, if dad's paid for it then i should get it' etc. etc. and I'm ashamed to say that I just completely lost it sad

I pulled up outside his house, told him that he needed to get a proper house, she could move in with him and he could then see what it's like to be a single parent sad. I now feel like shit, DD heard what I said and I know it's not her fault that he can manipulate her and that she thinks he's wonderful. She now must think that I don't want her and that I want her to go and live with him (which I really don't)

Thanks if you've got this far, like I said I'm not looking for any replies really just needed to get it down. This has now been going on for months and I'm just really fed up with it. I guess he's still controlling me now but I don't know how to stop it without it affecting DD seeing him.

3littlefrogs Mon 08-Sep-08 22:33:33

I have a 10 yr old DD. She would be more than capable of doing the maths.

I understand that you don't want to turn her against her father, but maybe she deserves a little honesty?

So sorry you are going through this - it sounds horrendous.

CarGirl Mon 08-Sep-08 22:33:53

TBH at the age of 10 I think you can share with you dd the financial truth of how little maintenance he pays and how much he spend on going out drinking and at the casino - don't they usually hae an entrance fee of £10 sometimes more?

undercovercat Mon 08-Sep-08 22:35:48

Fucking hell. Well you did well to continue driving. I think I would have accelerated into the nearest brick wall.
You ex sounds like a nob. Not having dd on his days off. Twat
As for the £12, dds isnt too young to be told what £12 can and cant buy.
Taking food? Bloody Hell. Once my x said he couldnt have the girls as he couldnt afford a loaf...but of course he had fagsangry
I am at a loss as to what to suggest, other than to shit on his doorstepgrin

magentadreamer Mon 08-Sep-08 22:36:31

Hun you deserve a F*cking medal for putting up with this shit! I'm sorry he'd have been out of my car before he could have taken his next breath!

AvenaLife Mon 08-Sep-08 22:37:24

I agree that you need to tell her exactly what you are getting and what you are spending it on. It sounds as though he's been telling her lies so you need to put her straight.

CarGirl Mon 08-Sep-08 22:39:04

I think I'd tell her how much the petrol costs for the running around, how much the food costs that she takes with her too......

TequilaMockinBird Mon 08-Sep-08 22:40:40

I have thought about being honest with her but tbh I don't know if she would believe me - she has always been a 'daddys girl' and he cant put a foot wrong in her eyes.

I don't know if being honest would turn her against me in some way? I.e. if she thinks I'm only doing it to get back at dad or something?

I really don't want to destroy the relationship they have but I just don't know how much more I can take

undercovercat, he is a complete twunt. If only I'd had the courage to leave him earlier than I did, maybe DD would've cottoned on to him by now!

KatyMac Mon 08-Sep-08 22:41:24

Why not give her the £12 a week - ask her to buy her dad's food with it & see how much she has left to put towards a dolls house

My DD is 10 & this is the sort of budgeting we are experimenting with

controlfreakinfreaky Mon 08-Sep-08 22:42:34

what an ARSE.
you are a saint.
have a proper honest but age appropriate talk with her when she comes home.

CarGirl Mon 08-Sep-08 22:43:13

I would show the proof of the £12 per week. I think your ex is doing all of this to still try and control you. I would honestly stop doing all the running around and explain to your dd that her father is welcome to come collect her etc and that you are not stopping it. I think he is relying on your guilt factor to continue conrolling you via dd.

AvenaLife Mon 08-Sep-08 22:43:45

Show her the bank statement or the CSA documents. She needs to know the truth or she'll carry on believing this.

PavlovtheCat Mon 08-Sep-08 22:46:21

He is using his controlling/bullying tactics on your daughter and that is wrong.

I agree that you need to be honest with her about costs, of everything how much you pay for rent/mortgage, food, bills, her school stuff, holidays, trips with school etc etc etc, write it all down, and then add it up. Compare this to how much you earn/contribute, and then write down how much her father earns/spends and on what(that you know of)/contribrutes.

No slagging off, no getting into arguments about how he might be manipulating her, as she is too young to get into all that.

Just the facts. Like a maths project perhaps?

chapstickchick Mon 08-Sep-08 22:46:59

thts really awful that hes still able to mnipulate you like that ...i think you need to explain to your dd exactly what £12 can buy in terms of food she eats nd trips etc etc be sure to tell her that money doesnt equal love but be crystal clear in telling her your outgoings against her dads.

hes using your dd to bully you and if i were you id stop being so amicable and start getting tough-to be frank hes only poisoning her mind at the cost of your effort anyway - so stop doing it.

SmugColditz Mon 08-Sep-08 22:47:22

Show her your bank staement. She is old enough to be given a complete financial breakdown of what comes in and out of your house.

If she is being told by her beloved daddy that you (the everyday boring carer) are taking all his money, and she can clearly SEE he has no money (otherwise he's feed her, right? that's what dads do, right?) then she will believe it. She has no reason not to.

She has a right to know the truth and sadly at the moment she is having poison dripped into her ear by what soubnds like a contemptible excuse for a man.

Mamazon Mon 08-Sep-08 22:48:01

stop feeling guilty.
you lost your temper. i think you would have to have been a saint not to given the situation.

when she comes back tomorrow sit down and apologise to her. then explain to her just why you lost your temper, because you get upset that her dad allows her to think such things of you, that he talks to her about money and arguments you have.

tell her that it is not really acceptable to put adult problems onto children. she isn't old enough to have to worry about mum and dad arguing.

she is 10 and old enough to understand that you would find it upsetting. she is also old enough for your to tell hee that dad pays you £12 per week. she may be under the impression that he gives you more than that.

your right not to burden her with negative stuff from you but she can only realise he is a tosser if she is given the truth. to not badmouth is good but dont cover up for him.

Carmenere Mon 08-Sep-08 22:50:51

FGS woman STOP ferrying her around so she can see him. This is how he is controlling you. If he doesn't want to have her when it is perfectly possible for him to have her, well then she will soon get the message that he is an arse. you can't protect her from this information.

TequilaMockinBird Mon 08-Sep-08 22:52:17

Katymac - that sounds like a good idea but I need the £12 a week. As little as it is, it pays for her school dinners and it's one less thing for me to fork out for.

I agree that he is trying still trying to control me (and succeeding too) but he's such an absolute arse that if I stop picking him up he will just not see her at all. Or he will come to collect her at 10pm and then let her stay up till gone midnight just to because he can - knowing that she will be really tired the next day and I will have to deal with the consequences (attitude, cheekiness etc)

I like the idea of the bank statements and showing her exactly how much I pay out etc. She loves maths so if it was a project type thing, I'm sure it would be a fun way of getting the message across IYKWIM

CarGirl Mon 08-Sep-08 22:54:36

You could go to court to stipulate contact? TBH if you just rise above it and not complain about the consequences of her staying up late etc and REFUSE to be bullied by him the game playing will probably stop altogether - but not an easy process to go through I agree.

piratecat Mon 08-Sep-08 22:56:20

your dd had to source some soup for him? OMFG how pathetic is HE, he is treating your dd abysmally.

this is toxic, and he is acting like a child, how dare he do that,and speak about you liekthat.

STOP doing ANYTHING for him, you are just fanning the flames. if he doesn't come and see her then so be it. You have to take control, and sit your dd down, and teelher that it isnot yours or her responsibility to feed hi, nor to ferry her around.

i am really shock

controlfreakinfreaky Mon 08-Sep-08 22:58:01

if you want to regain control over this situation then even if it means she doesnt see him so often / at all (which will be HIS choice) just stop aiding and abetting his stoooopid / controlling / abusive / downright appaling behaviour.

write and tell him enough is enough. he can collect her at whatever time you think reasonable from whatever venue you think reasonable and have her o/night if he wants (and if he turns up 2 hours late she doesn't go).... and / or he can have her on some of his day(s) off between certain times (maybe sharing the travelling). ask him what proportion of the school holidays he would like to spend with her.... etc.

one of you needs to have some boundaries / be the parent here.

much sympathy. he sounds a right twunt.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 08-Sep-08 22:58:43

When I split with x, I was all set to do the dont bad mouth him thing. Then he started telling everyone including my children lies about me etc.

So I have clearly explained ot my eldest at least what the truth is.

Keeping quiet makes you the bad one, you have to explain the facts. Tell your daughter daddy gives me £12 a month in maintenance, and tell her you cant afford to feed daddy, dont let her take food for him.

And if he cant make it I'd just knock the visits on the head as well, suggest to dd she ask daddy to spend a day with her a day he has off.

you poor thing.

controlfreakinfreaky Mon 08-Sep-08 22:58:45

x posts pc!

TequilaMockinBird Mon 08-Sep-08 23:00:23

Thanks for all the support, I feel a lot better now.

Will dig out my bank statement in the morning and when she comes home from CM's tomorrow night I will sit down and go through it with her - Maybe get her to highlight the outgoings etc on the bank statement as she loves a highlighter grin

Just wish I could have him out of my life altogether!

piratecat Mon 08-Sep-08 23:01:28

yep, i have had to learn the hard way too, and contunue learning

'its his choice'

simple as, but hard to keep to/remember.

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