Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

1 2

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Still struggling with having to see him every weekend, and his texts asking about ds

40 replies

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 10:05

How am i supposed to get over my ex when i have to see him all the time?
ds (4) begs him to come into our house every time he is dropped off, and it is so hard for me for ex-dh to be sitting on my bed playing games with ds.

i have asked him not to come in, i have tried to arrange for him to drop ds off with my neighbour or mum, and i can never get over him. Its been over a year now, dh has moved on ever-so-quickly and has a new baby with his new woman; it is so so painful for me to even look at him.
He just tells me to stop "wallowing" in my own misery.

i just feel lost without him and having to see him all the bloody time is stopping me healing and moving on.
Help!

OP posts:

Report

Tinkerbel6 · 07/09/2008 10:23

Awww AGBU thats mean of him to say that to you

You need to be a bit firmer, do not let him in, leave things as it is at the doorstep, if your DS asks for him to come in say no that his daddy has to go now and that you are taking him in so that you can hear all about his day as you are so excited to hear what he has been up too

Start now by insisting DS is dropped off at your mums

takingitasitcomes · 07/09/2008 10:40

Tinkerbel is right - you need to protect yourself a bit more. Can you talk to ex when DS isn't around and make it clear that he is no longer welcome in your house (so that you can 'stop wallowing in it' what a horrid phrase)? If he agrees to that it will be much easier, as he will just say 'no, sorry son, I have to go now' at the door rather than giving in to the DS's pleading.

However, from what you've said, I have a feeling your ex may not be sensitive enough to follow through on that. He must be getting a kick out of having you still mooning over him IMO - otherwise he'd leave you alone to heal.

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 10:41

my mum isnt that keen on being involved in it all, and most of the time she isnt home!
She is not the most understanding of mums, she is of the same school of thought as my ex, ie why cant i just "snap" out of it?

the other thing is that myself and ex both own the house, and there is so much stuff that is always needing fixing on it, eg the pipes leak, the boiler keeps breaking - ex is a plumber/builder, so he is always having to come in and fix stuff for me.

OP posts:

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 10:43

oh, the other thing ex does (when i ask him to leave straight away) is say to ds "sorry ds, i cant stay, mummy is forcing me to go now. Sorry ds, i know you want to play with me"

wanker

OP posts:

takingitasitcomes · 07/09/2008 11:19

Ahhh - so in your heart of hearts you do recognise that he is a wanker. At least that's a start.

Smarten up a bit allgonebellyup - go out of the house if he's over to fix something. Take him to task for saying those sorts of undermining things like 'mummy is forcing me to go now...'. Or, best idea of all, sell the house so you're not connected to him that way anymore. Just rent something (it's cheaper than paying a mortgage in this market anyway).

I know you'll feel like 'it's not that simple' - but sometimes it is. You sound like you've reached the point where you need to take some control over the situation and stop letting him walk all over you. It is over; it has been over for some time; he doesn't sound like a nice person... so why waste your time on him?

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 18:50

i really cannot afford to rent a 2 or 3 bed house around here, they are all at least £300 more a month than my mortgage.

i am hoping to buy his half of the house of him once i am a teacher (next year hopefully) and i doubt i could sell it in the current market anyhow.

Tonight when he bring ds back i will make him pass him over at the front door.

OP posts:

takingitasitcomes · 07/09/2008 20:01

Good luck with that! I hope you manage to pull away a bit. Sorry if I sounded gruff in the earlier post - I just get so angry at men who let relationship pain drag on like this when they really could help by keeping their distance for a while.

ElenorRigby · 07/09/2008 20:20

"Tonight when he bring ds back i will make him pass him over at the front door."
Good
Really for your own sanity and for the sake of your DS you need to make the handovers brief, impersonal and on neutral ground ie outside your home.
If you are visibly upset in front of DS when your ex plays tricks DS will pick up on that.
So if your ex uses emotional blackmail ie "mummys being mean" type of shite, be bright and breezy with your DS, saying something like "daddy says some silly things" or "silly billy daddy" or some light comment to take the venom out of ex's manipulative comments to your DS. If you dont react negatively DS wont be so upset.
Try as often as you can to have others do the handovers.
If any work needs to be done on the house try always to be out whilst your ex is there, if possible leave someone to keep an eye on him whilst he's doing work. To stop him snooping keep all personal stuff, letters, computer etc etc under lock and key.

It would be tonnes better if you could move, have more support etc But in the mean time try to rack your brain for anything that puts a little distance between you and the ex whilst maintaining a good relationship between your DS and his father.

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 20:22

well, he did it, passed ds over to me then walked right back to his car.

Then announced he will be round on wed to see ds, as well as the usual friday pick up. See, i can never be rid of him.
i told him not to come on wed, but then he got angry and said "oh for fucks sake, are you stopping me seeing my son again?"

OP posts:

ElenorRigby · 07/09/2008 20:25

"oh for fucks sake, are you stopping me seeing my son again?"
Did he say that in front of your DS?

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 20:27

no, ds was asleep on the sofa after he passed him over. He wouldnt swear in front of ds, i can give him that.

OP posts:

ElenorRigby · 07/09/2008 20:33

Thank "f" for that!
Can I ask how often/how long does DS see dad.

takingitasitcomes · 07/09/2008 20:34

Great that he handed over at the door though... even if he was rude afterwards. Do you two have a formal agreement about access? It might be time for one perhaps? It takes some of the emotion out of the situation (once it's agreed, that is).

mabanana · 07/09/2008 20:41

Time for a formal agreement, and can you go and pick up your son so your ex isn't on your doorstep? Don't know if you drive/have a car etc.

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 20:54

well ex lives 2 hours away, so i dont really want to drive that far.

Ex sees ds every weekend, from fri night til sun night. He still thinks that isnt enough so wants to drop in some wednesdays to see how he is doing at school.

OP posts:

yerblurt · 07/09/2008 20:55

I suggest you both get yourselves along to Family Mediation to resolve these parenting issues for the short and long-term.

The current situation isn't really on.

By talking in a non-confrontational atmosphere, both parties can talk about the issues and hopefully come to a mutually agreeable compromise.

It's got to be better than the current situation.

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 20:59

he is refusing to see anyone like that.

He says he doesnt want to fight with me, he just wants to see his son.
He doesnt understand why i am creating an issue out of seeing him so much, yet he knows i am suffering so badly since our split.

OP posts:

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 21:01

Forgot to say, he texts several times during the week to ask how ds is.

If i ignore them, like i try to, he gets angry and accuses me of not keeping him up to date with how his son is doing.

it doesnt help me get over the relationship when he is texting me all through the week, even if it is only to ask about ds.

OP posts:

mabanana · 07/09/2008 21:02

Do you text him all weekend? It sounds really intrusive, actually.

mabanana · 07/09/2008 21:03

And when do you get to hang out with your son if he's away every single weekend?

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 21:05

i dont see ds at weekends but i see him before and after school. if i dont let ex see him every weekend then he says he will come over to ours during the week, and i just dont want him hanging around.

i admit that sometimes i will text at the weekend to see if ds is ok, but i usually try not to.
i think ex gets panicky if he has contact though.

OP posts:

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 21:06

i think ex gets panicky if he has no contact

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

mabanana · 07/09/2008 21:15

What, in an ideal world, would you like in terms of his contact, and yours?

LazyLinePainterJane · 07/09/2008 21:24

AGBU, is this an official visitation agreement, or something that you have agreed upon by yourselves?

IMO< if he is seeing him every weekend, then he needs to stop the ad-hoc weekday visits, sounds to me as if he is doing this to unsettle you.

knob.

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 22:07

we agreed it between ourselves, and ds loves being with his dad more than he likes being with me.

i agree that mid week visits are too much though i dont think he is doing it to wind me up, just cos he is obsessed with ds!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.