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Still struggling with having to see him every weekend, and his texts asking about ds

(41 Posts)
allgonebellyup Sun 07-Sep-08 10:05:23

How am i supposed to get over my ex when i have to see him all the time?
ds (4) begs him to come into our house every time he is dropped off, and it is so hard for me for ex-dh to be sitting on my bed playing games with ds.

i have asked him not to come in, i have tried to arrange for him to drop ds off with my neighbour or mum, and i can never get over him. Its been over a year now, dh has moved on ever-so-quickly and has a new baby with his new woman; it is so so painful for me to even look at him.
He just tells me to stop "wallowing" in my own misery.

i just feel lost without him and having to see him all the bloody time is stopping me healing and moving on.
Help! sad

Tinkerbel6 Sun 07-Sep-08 10:23:31

Awww AGBU thats mean of him to say that to you angry

You need to be a bit firmer, do not let him in, leave things as it is at the doorstep, if your DS asks for him to come in say no that his daddy has to go now and that you are taking him in so that you can hear all about his day as you are so excited to hear what he has been up too

Start now by insisting DS is dropped off at your mums

takingitasitcomes Sun 07-Sep-08 10:40:12

Tinkerbel is right - you need to protect yourself a bit more. Can you talk to ex when DS isn't around and make it clear that he is no longer welcome in your house (so that you can 'stop wallowing in it' shock what a horrid phrase)? If he agrees to that it will be much easier, as he will just say 'no, sorry son, I have to go now' at the door rather than giving in to the DS's pleading.

However, from what you've said, I have a feeling your ex may not be sensitive enough to follow through on that. He must be getting a kick out of having you still mooning over him IMO - otherwise he'd leave you alone to heal.

allgonebellyup Sun 07-Sep-08 10:41:48

my mum isnt that keen on being involved in it all, and most of the time she isnt home!
She is not the most understanding of mums, she is of the same school of thought as my ex, ie why cant i just "snap" out of it?

the other thing is that myself and ex both own the house, and there is so much stuff that is always needing fixing on it, eg the pipes leak, the boiler keeps breaking - ex is a plumber/builder, so he is always having to come in and fix stuff for me.

allgonebellyup Sun 07-Sep-08 10:43:26

oh, the other thing ex does (when i ask him to leave straight away) is say to ds "sorry ds, i cant stay, mummy is forcing me to go now. Sorry ds, i know you want to play with me"

wanker

takingitasitcomes Sun 07-Sep-08 11:19:02

Ahhh - so in your heart of hearts you do recognise that he is a wanker. At least that's a start.

Smarten up a bit allgonebellyup - go out of the house if he's over to fix something. Take him to task for saying those sorts of undermining things like 'mummy is forcing me to go now...'. Or, best idea of all, sell the house so you're not connected to him that way anymore. Just rent something (it's cheaper than paying a mortgage in this market anyway).

I know you'll feel like 'it's not that simple' - but sometimes it is. You sound like you've reached the point where you need to take some control over the situation and stop letting him walk all over you. It is over; it has been over for some time; he doesn't sound like a nice person... so why waste your time on him?

allgonebellyup Sun 07-Sep-08 18:50:50

i really cannot afford to rent a 2 or 3 bed house around here, they are all at least £300 more a month than my mortgage.

i am hoping to buy his half of the house of him once i am a teacher (next year hopefully) and i doubt i could sell it in the current market anyhow.

Tonight when he bring ds back i will make him pass him over at the front door.

takingitasitcomes Sun 07-Sep-08 20:01:39

Good luck with that! I hope you manage to pull away a bit. Sorry if I sounded gruff in the earlier post - I just get so angry at men who let relationship pain drag on like this when they really could help by keeping their distance for a while.

ElenorRigby Sun 07-Sep-08 20:20:47

"Tonight when he bring ds back i will make him pass him over at the front door."
Good
Really for your own sanity and for the sake of your DS you need to make the handovers brief, impersonal and on neutral ground ie outside your home.
If you are visibly upset in front of DS when your ex plays tricks DS will pick up on that.
So if your ex uses emotional blackmail ie "mummys being mean" type of shite, be bright and breezy with your DS, saying something like "daddy says some silly things" or "silly billy daddy" or some light comment to take the venom out of ex's manipulative comments to your DS. If you dont react negatively DS wont be so upset.
Try as often as you can to have others do the handovers.
If any work needs to be done on the house try always to be out whilst your ex is there, if possible leave someone to keep an eye on him whilst he's doing work. To stop him snooping keep all personal stuff, letters, computer etc etc under lock and key.

It would be tonnes better if you could move, have more support etc But in the mean time try to rack your brain for anything that puts a little distance between you and the ex whilst maintaining a good relationship between your DS and his father.

allgonebellyup Sun 07-Sep-08 20:22:11

well, he did it, passed ds over to me then walked right back to his car.

Then announced he will be round on wed to see ds, as well as the usual friday pick up. See, i can never be rid of him.
i told him not to come on wed, but then he got angry and said "oh for fucks sake, are you stopping me seeing my son again?"

ElenorRigby Sun 07-Sep-08 20:25:42

"oh for fucks sake, are you stopping me seeing my son again?"
Did he say that in front of your DS?

allgonebellyup Sun 07-Sep-08 20:27:04

no, ds was asleep on the sofa after he passed him over. He wouldnt swear in front of ds, i can give him that.

ElenorRigby Sun 07-Sep-08 20:33:03

Thank "f" for that!
Can I ask how often/how long does DS see dad.

takingitasitcomes Sun 07-Sep-08 20:34:01

Great that he handed over at the door though... even if he was rude afterwards. Do you two have a formal agreement about access? It might be time for one perhaps? It takes some of the emotion out of the situation (once it's agreed, that is).

mabanana Sun 07-Sep-08 20:41:07

Time for a formal agreement, and can you go and pick up your son so your ex isn't on your doorstep? Don't know if you drive/have a car etc.

allgonebellyup Sun 07-Sep-08 20:54:48

well ex lives 2 hours away, so i dont really want to drive that far.

Ex sees ds every weekend, from fri night til sun night. He still thinks that isnt enough so wants to drop in some wednesdays to see how he is doing at school. hmm

yerblurt Sun 07-Sep-08 20:55:34

I suggest you both get yourselves along to Family Mediation to resolve these parenting issues for the short and long-term.

The current situation isn't really on.

By talking in a non-confrontational atmosphere, both parties can talk about the issues and hopefully come to a mutually agreeable compromise.

It's got to be better than the current situation.

allgonebellyup Sun 07-Sep-08 20:59:39

he is refusing to see anyone like that.

He says he doesnt want to fight with me, he just wants to see his son.
He doesnt understand why i am creating an issue out of seeing him so much, yet he knows i am suffering so badly since our split.

allgonebellyup Sun 07-Sep-08 21:01:33

Forgot to say, he texts several times during the week to ask how ds is.

If i ignore them, like i try to, he gets angry and accuses me of not keeping him up to date with how his son is doing.

it doesnt help me get over the relationship when he is texting me all through the week, even if it is only to ask about ds.

mabanana Sun 07-Sep-08 21:02:55

Do you text him all weekend? It sounds really intrusive, actually.

mabanana Sun 07-Sep-08 21:03:45

And when do you get to hang out with your son if he's away every single weekend?

allgonebellyup Sun 07-Sep-08 21:05:47

i dont see ds at weekends but i see him before and after school. if i dont let ex see him every weekend then he says he will come over to ours during the week, and i just dont want him hanging around.

i admit that sometimes i will text at the weekend to see if ds is ok, but i usually try not to.
i think ex gets panicky if he has contact though.

allgonebellyup Sun 07-Sep-08 21:06:56

i think ex gets panicky if he has no contact

mabanana Sun 07-Sep-08 21:15:21

What, in an ideal world, would you like in terms of his contact, and yours?

LazyLinePainterJane Sun 07-Sep-08 21:24:44

AGBU, is this an official visitation agreement, or something that you have agreed upon by yourselves?

IMO< if he is seeing him every weekend, then he needs to stop the ad-hoc weekday visits, sounds to me as if he is doing this to unsettle you.

knob.

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