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Am I being unreasonable asking my ex to stay 2 nights a week?

(11 Posts)
YoVicko Sat 06-Sep-08 08:23:29

Hi, my DH told me he wants us to split up a month ago. Although its been a long time coming, I really didn't want it. He's currently living with a friend - on his sofa.

He wants to 'co-parent' and I'm up for that. I want us to sort out a proper routine for the sake of our DS (5yrs). I want him to stay at our home two nights a week - so that he can take DS to school in the morning and pick him up from the chilminder and have him for the evening. Then I can make up my hours at work and go out and try and have a life. I think it will also be good for DS - for his stability etc.. to have a proper routine with his dad.

My DH doesn't think this is a good idea.. though he hasn't explained why. I've told him I will stay with my mum on those nights if he is uncomfortable.

He's always been a selfish * and v unreliable. By him staying two nights a week, I think it will bring stability for DS and sanity to me - I don't want to be a trapped single mum - like my mum was.

Any advice out there?

spicemonster Sat 06-Sep-08 08:31:21

What's his alternative idea for seeing his DS if he's staying with his friend?

SpandexIsMyEnemy Sat 06-Sep-08 08:37:01

thats what we do in essance. it's worked so far, but next year i'm hoping to move again, and to that end XH won't be welcome on the sofa to stay as now will be 2 years on by the time i move i want something to call totally my own space.

Paddlechick666 Sat 06-Sep-08 08:38:05

honestly, I think it would not be a good idea.

Your ds will be confused as to why daddy is there 2 nights per week but not the rest of the time.

When your ex does get his own place you will need to transition again from daddy there, daddy there 2 nights, ds to daddy's house etc.

Also, IMO I think you will very quickly come to resent your ex being at your place and invading your space.

Perfect world scenario would be for your ex to get his own place suitable for ds quick smart and for you guys to establish the co-parenting routine.

In the meantime work out what you are able to without your ex staying over. This will also give your ds some time to adapt to absence of your ex at the family home.

HTH.

LazyLinePainterJane Sat 06-Sep-08 08:45:12

What will you do if you meet someone? I think that any agreement could work, assuming you both are happy with it. But what if you meet someone and don't want him to stay over any more? Think of every situation that could arise because you can't say to him "come and stay 2 days a week" and then change your mind if you end up in a serious relationship...

So he currently has DS at his mates house? DOes he have DS overnight? Does he have a plan to find another place? Is he going to sty locally? Where are you planning to move to? Could I ask any more questions? grin

glitterfairy Sat 06-Sep-08 08:53:29

He needs a place of his own.

I dont know and could be wrong but are you asking him to stop over two nights a week because you didnt want the split in the first place?

Perhaps instead of thinking about your dc a tiny part of you is still hoping things could work out?

As I said I am prepared to be wrong here. smile

Tinkerbel6 Sat 06-Sep-08 13:27:04

I don't think it is very good idea and can be confusing for the child, there is no reason co-parenting can't be done by 2 parents in 2 different houses, as long as your ex yovicko has got a stable home for your child to be looked after at then there is no reason for him to have to stay at yours, maybe your ec can do a couple of school picks up and take your child out for tea.

YoVicko Sun 07-Sep-08 08:25:17

Thanks. Glitterfairy, you are partly right.. but ex hasn't got a stable place of his own. At the moment when he picks ds up he's staying at our home while I'm out and then going when I get back whatever time that is. My ex is unreliable time-wise - we both want him to take the ds to school a couple of days a week and I just can't see that happening if he doesn't stay. I want to ensure that I have a life outside working full time and caring for ds, the ex always has! I think me meeting someone is a very long way off...

glitterfairy Sun 07-Sep-08 21:15:02

YoVicko taking care of yourself is a really good idea and as a single mum who never gets a break this is the right thing to do.

Try not to muddle it up with wanting him back though especially for the dc. smile

solidgoldbrass Tue 09-Sep-08 01:58:53

My Ds dad stays at my house fairly often but then we don't have the XP vibe going on because we were just drinking buddies before DS. I think it might be more confusing for your DS to have his dad there for 2 nights a week than in his own home.

YoVicko Sat 13-Sep-08 07:11:04

Thanks for the advice. He told me he wasn't going to stay the night last Sunday. I packed an overnight bag as I was so angry that I felt like just walking out and leaving him to it for the night. I didn't. He did turn up the next morning at 7am so I could go to work early. He was away the resto f the week so couldn't do Tuesday morning. Let's see how it goes - if he misses one I will walk out and leave him to it when he's bathing the DS.

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