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Have you ever got your head around the fact that some parents just dont love their children?

(26 Posts)
ShyBaby Fri 05-Sep-08 23:05:39

Its something close to home for me. Dd's dad refused to ever meet her and for years I went through hell trying to understand how he could do this to her, thinking that somewhere deep down he must think of her and wonder what she looks like etc.

But maybe not.

Tonight I had a conversation with ds's dad. Ds was our first child each. The man has been a complete nob over the years but he does still see ds. (He's a crap dad for many reasons which I could go into but are maybe irrelevant to this post). Ds's dad got married a few years after we split and had another child. They then got divorced. Around 6 months ago, his ex wife (who had always hated me for reasons unknown) got in touch with me through a mutual friend and begged me for his address.

I felt so bad for her, he just walked away and hasnt seen their child for about 18 months. He had told me she prevented him from seeing their daughter, but she wanted to go and see him face to face to ask if he would see their daughter.

I was in a difficult position. I didn't tell her where he lived but I admit, I did drop some hints. There's nothing worse in my experience than banging your head against a brick wall because people, however much they disagree, protect their friends.

So we were talking tonight and I asked him about his daughter. (He was looking at my dd in her new uniform and asking if I ever heard from her dad). He said he wasn't allowed to see her although her mum had turned up not long ago. I asked if he missed her, he said he would see her when "I am ready", that she didn't even know him anymore and her mum would find someone to take her on.

He didn't care at all and yet he was sitting there with our 11 year old ds in the car. I felt so sorry for his ex wife and their daughter. It must be awful for her.How do some people choose which children they want? angry

hester Fri 05-Sep-08 23:10:40

I know, ShyBaby. My dad had children with various women, and only bothered being a dad to the last one. He left when I was tiny and only visited once a year, if that, and then he would chat to my mum in the kitchen and pretty much ignore me.

There were no obstacles put in his way - my mum was desperate for him to keep up contact - and he had no demands made of him; never paid child support, never sent birthday or christmas cards, really did nothing at all. But used to walk past our street every single week on his way to visit his sister.

I have never really got my head round his lack of interest. I can understand not wanting family responsibilities, but not even being curious enough to turn up now and then for a peep at the fruit of your loins? I just don't get it.

I feel so sorry for your daughter, and your ex's daughter.

ShyBaby Sat 06-Sep-08 00:02:19

Strange isnt it? Im not really thinking of it in an emotional way now, im past that. Im just really curious. Its one of those things I probably wont ever understand!

SmugColditz Sat 06-Sep-08 00:08:04

It's mainly men, and they do it by lying to themselves.

jasper Sat 06-Sep-08 01:04:00

I have always known some people (men and women) don't love their children.

It put me off having children a bit as I was aware that feelings of love towards ones own child were not guaranteed.

Of course it's one thing not to love them, quite another to neglect/ignore them

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Sat 06-Sep-08 01:12:53

i am in the same boat as you shybaby! how can a twunt man live knowing he has a child yet not be interested?

my dd has been in the paper dancing shows and bonny baby other stuff blush

and though i am biased she is a beauty <check profile if you dont believe me>. she is wickedly imaganitive and funny. she is very active and mature and when it takes her she is very caring. yet her father has had no interest in her.

i live in a v small town so i fail believe that he has not noticed her in the paper or seen us in the street and walked the other way.

she has a great dad now and while i feel very sorry for his family who may or may not have a choice in not being part of such wonderfull little girls life, i have come accpet that it is only himself he is hurting. dd has everything she needs and then some from me and her dad.

but i still dont understand how you walk away from your own child sad

muggglewump Sat 06-Sep-08 01:27:02

I read the title and thought "call SS, that's not right", without reading what topic it was in.
I can only assume DD's Dad doesn't love her, or want her. It makes me sad for her, she's a fantastic kid and she deserves to be loved.
Of course I can't make anyone love her and she's a kid, she can be hard work, it's part of being her parent.

I do hate when I see people say "oh, they're missing out", about the absent parent though.
No, they aren't, they don't want the kids so they are not missing anything.
Surely you can only miss something you might like?
DD's Dad doesn't want to be a parent so he's missing nothing.
I'd like to say he's missing a sledgehammer to his head and help him see if he'd like it but I've heard prison food isn't that tasty!

FlightAttendent Sat 06-Sep-08 06:26:33

Shybaby I read your OP and wondered if you had changed the sex of the child and were talking about us!

Ds1's dad showed a little interest when he was a baby, but then he met someone else, lied to me, moved in with her (and her three children) and hasn't been back since.

At first I admit I was angry that he had left, but i asked for a few weeks to get my head around it (as every time he visited I would be crying, feeling sick, unable to function) and he agreed but then when I'd had those 3 weeks I rang and invited him back, and he said no. 'When I'm settled' he said.
It's been nearly 4 years and ds has no idea who his father is.
I've made so many calls, left messages on his phone, i even turned up at their house last Christmas because I wanted him to come and see ds in his first play at school.
But he refused to. His new wife dropped hints that it was stupid that we only lived round the corner but he never saw ds, and ds's father told me he thinks about him all the time, but when I left half an hour later there was nothing arranged and he never called.
I believe he told her I had stopped him seeing ds - another friend told me he'd said to her that he had 'given up trying' because I made visits so hard hmm
Anyway,. he abandoned his first 2 children, then our son, and he seems to be happy with the three who are not his...my feeling is that he had an absent father himself (parents together but father not involved much, worked away etc etc) andf has never come to terms with this.
I tried to talk about it once but he went silent and refused to open up. His dad was marvellous etc. and how dare I.
So I think it is simply too painful for him to be around for his own children. It would make him see what he was missing as a child.

I think he finds it far easier to commit to children who are not his own because he is without obligation to them..he always was very passive aggressive and commitment phobic, and these things go hand in hand.

HTH

still extremely sad for the children. Ds cries quite a bit.
I often hope the new wife is a MNer and realises whom some of these posts are about, gives him a swift kick and gets him to meet his son. sad

ShyBaby Sat 06-Sep-08 14:10:45

Sorry, it was a very garbled post! One of those when your head is overflowing with thoughts and they all tumble out grin

NotDoingTheHousework Sat 06-Sep-08 14:20:51

Message withdrawn

FlightAttendent Sat 06-Sep-08 16:06:06

I heard it from the other side a while back...talking with a chap I have recently got to know, and like very much, and who is wonderfully kind with my children.
He asked me about my children's fathers and I told him ropughly what happened. He explained that he was actually still married (he is in his early 60s, very active, very dynamic etc) and lives with his girlfriend as their lives are more compatible.
he said he had had two children (i think) years ago as the result of affairs. He doesn't know either of them. He said that when one of the women told him she was pregnant, anhd talked about the child one day meeting its father, he said no, no, don't even think baout it, - she was martried too I think and he encouraged her to not tell her husband it wasn't his child.
He wonders if these children might one day find him. I think he wonders what they are like. But assumes they have been brought up and had happy lives without him.

He was and still is actively and intensely involved with his other children who are now also adults. The first two would be in their forties now.

I long to ask how he justifies/rationalises the discrimination. but I don't think he really would know tbh.

chickenmama Sat 06-Sep-08 18:04:26

No, this is something I've struggled to understand. Dd's father left when she was small and he hasn't been in touch for a long time now. He has an older son from a previous relationship who he sees, speaks to, pays maintenance towards. I found out recently he's expecting another child which he's very happy about. I've also heard he has another child (a girl in between his some and my dd) who he totally rejected, tho I'm not certain this child is his. I really don't get how anyone could pick which of their kids they're going to love and ignore the rest.

It makes me sad for my dd that he acts this way. I think the fact I didn't have a termination like he demanded is part of his problem. What you said, ShyBaby, about your ex seeing his daughter when 'he's ready' really hit home - my ex has said that about my dd on many occassions. Funny how it's all about them.

lostdad Sat 06-Sep-08 18:05:40

Definitely.

My ex has done her best to cut me out of my son's life. 4 court appearances so far, she's moved 300 miles away with him and we're far from finished.

It would occur to many people that he's got the love of two parents who should be able to work together for his benefit.

I can only conclude she hates me more than she loves him.

singledadofthree Sat 06-Sep-08 19:43:18

lostdad - i have a mate with an ex who showed just how much a woman can hate. when they split she wanted him out of their lives and so moved away. like you tho he was prepared to travel so she accused him of child sex abuse - must be as low as even a woman can stoop. it went as far as his dd being put thru an internal exam at 5 years old and him having many interviews, police etc. the whole thing proved false, tho it very nearly finished him off. many late nights and much guiness kept him out of bother.

afterwards - she admitted it was just a set up to get him put away and out of her life. now he'll never forget what his dd was put thru.

dont be too soft on your ex.

Overmydeadbody Sat 06-Sep-08 19:54:59

one man's actions are not a reflection on all men's actions and one woman's actions are not a reflection on all women's actions.

We all have it in us to be good or bad.

chickenmama Sat 06-Sep-08 20:04:27

singledad, that's awful

ladytophamhatt Sat 06-Sep-08 20:19:39

Jesus Christ singledad, that is unbelieveable.

What a f*cking bitch.

Does your friend see his DD now? I hope so.

Infact I think she'd be better off with him then a mother like that.
What in gods name was she thinking?????

singledadofthree Sat 06-Sep-08 21:04:26

you can believe it - she dropped everything when it was proved negative as people started asking questions about her. she then let him see her and soon sent her to stay with him for the holidays.

she's said for years she'd rather be with him, he's just biding his time.

sadly - with good old hindsight - she was my ex's best mate years ago and had a hand in us splitting up.

ladytophamhatt Sat 06-Sep-08 21:59:39

nice girl then.....hmm

ladytophamhatt Sat 06-Sep-08 22:00:27

nice girl then, eh??

hmm

ladytophamhatt Sat 06-Sep-08 22:02:11

god, my laptop is really freaking out. its keeps doing that??

the wierdy mouse pad thingy is too sensitive

lostdad Sun 07-Sep-08 11:27:35

To be honest, I think it's only a matter of time until I am accused of this. I've been accused of domestic violence and physically abusing my son and am pretty sure if this can be used to stop/hinder contact it will be at some stage.

Another day, another unfounded accusation. hmm

misi Sun 07-Sep-08 18:39:21

my ex is like this too. she rejected my son at birth, had little to do with him for the 18 months we managed to stay together, then when I was kicked out of my house, she stopped all contact to gain a new status quo as her as the main carer instead of me. her latest trick is to move 150 miles away to stop him going to a school we had both agreed on but as I was suggesting a shared care arrangement (I had been main carer again for a while as she could not be bothered with him), she realised she would loose a lot of benefit money etc, she moved without telling me and kept up the pretence of still living where she was for 2 weeks. her latest other trick in court was to accuse me of sexual impropriety with my son although the court were not overly interested as she had agreed in mediation with a cafcass officer to reinstating every weekend contact only minutes before.
she has openly admitted that she wishes he had never been born but then says he is useful as he allows her to live and is now going back to university, something she could not do if he were not with her or alive. my son this weekend said to me when I asked him what he was (we were doing a biology type lesson thing on bowels, don't ask grin) and he said ''a cash cow daddy''. I said what is a cash cow and he said it is something his mummy had told her friend. Love? I don't think so, not a motherly/parent love, but her hatred and blame of me for splitting us up is greater than anything else. I am having to go for main residence in my latest court action on the courts own instructions, but I can only see another 12 years at least of bitter fighting although she is sweetness and like to everyone else

FlightAttendent Mon 08-Sep-08 05:49:08

Misi that is very, very sad.
Poor little boy.

I wish you luck with it all.

AnnVan Mon 08-Sep-08 06:06:19

I agree that not loving a child is not confined to either sex. We've probably all seen men who've just walked out on kids. But women can be terrible as well. I knew a lady who had two daughters, and didn't care about either of them, her partner (not their dad) knew more about their lives and took better care of them than what she did. She was always out at clubs shagging about with anyone who fancied a bit... hmm
I have also known men in the situation of trying to maintain contact with their kids, while the mother moves away, messes him about etc. There's a reason fathers for justice exists.
It's just too sad.

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