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not coping very well

(18 Posts)
addledbrain Wed 03-Sep-08 21:38:23

H left nearly 3 months ago when dd 22 months and ds 3 months. caught him in an affair and he walked and hasn't come back. he tells me he is still deciding what he wants and i just have to wait for him to decide. has moved all of his stuff out and is still seeing the ow. maintains its not a sexual affair but he loves her and not me anymore. finding it all really hard, complete surprise and completely devastated. feel like a complete failure and as though i've let my kids down. did post a while ago but computer broke so never got to see what anyone said. feel so lonely and empty and haven't made it through a day without crying yet. trying not to let the kids know but just think i should be doing better than this by now. any words of wisdom please

ninah Wed 03-Sep-08 21:42:42

Three months is no time. You have a lot to cope with. You are there for your dc, you haven't let them down, nor will you. Forget h, and concentrate on you, and dc. Take each day at a time. Promise things will get better.

cantseemyfeet Thu 04-Sep-08 01:33:04


So sorry you are feeling so low at the moment but things will get better honestly.

Your ex sounds like a real creep and you sound like someone who deserves better *a lot better*.

Ive been where you are and god knows it is really tough but you just have to take one day at a time. You have done nothing wrong and you dont deserve to be treated like this. Your certainly not a failure to your kids. You are there for them whilst Daddy dearest is a selfish pig and leaving you in limbo like this.

Think about what YOU want, where do you want to be in a couple of months time? Do you still want to be hanging around for this guy hoping he will come back? Or do you want to be free of the horrible feeling you have every morning when you get up and actually look forward to the next day?
I know the first few months are horrible but this man has treated you terribly and you are wasting your tears on him. I look back now and think what a waste of time, tears (and wine) on such a GIT.
You have 2 gorgeous children to focus on and they will get you through this. You need to be strong though, it might not seem like it now but you WILL stop feeling like this but you have to take control.

Be strong, stand up for yourself and keep busy. Dont sit around thinking about things. If you feel low, take the kids out for a walk or go and visit friends. Its amazing how different you feel when your not stuck inside mulling over things.

I really hope you start to feel better soon pet, dont let him drag you down. When you hit rock bottom there is only one way you can go. Focus on feeling better and you will soon ok

zookeeper Fri 05-Sep-08 00:48:47

Hi addledbrain.

Hope you're feeling better. Three months is no time, especially as you've had a new baby to cope with on top of everything. You sound as though you're doing really well not to have ground to a complete halt!

I separated from dp a year ago and still have down days but les and less. You will too.

These thoughts helped me; -

It sounds a cliche but just for now try to get through each day as best you can. try not to worry about the future. concentrate on yourself and leave dp to his own devices for now

Accept all offers of help - you must be tired and if you're tired you'll fell miserable. If it helps you cope go to bed with the kids and SLEEP. Try to keep one room in the house reasonably tidy so you don't feel overwhelmed by the chaos that two small children create,

Get out of the house once a day, even if it is just to the shops to buy milk.

Smile as much as you can when you think of it - sounds mad but it made me feel better somehow

Try to eat as well as you can and get some exercise each day, even if it is an exercise dvd or dancing around to music once the dcs are in bed

try to take pleasure in your time with friends and family and contact friends that you've lost touch with. consciously try to create a framework of support around you

Be kind to yourself - you are bound to feel miserable. Talk to yourself as if you were talking to a friend in the same position. If she told you she felt a complete failure you'd think she was wrong wouldn't you? You're not a failure

Tell yourself that you are a strong and lovable woman - you have not walked out on your dcs and you will be a source of strength and inspiration to them

Hope this helps a bit

ambercat Fri 05-Sep-08 05:20:28

Great advice zookeeper. I'm 5 months on from h leaving and still struggling to come to terms with it, but i am having more good days now, its just the nights when i can't sleep!
Thinking of you addledbrain, wish i had some good advice. x

mummyfantastico Fri 05-Sep-08 05:40:50

oh what a piece of shitangry
My xh left nearly a year ago now and it's much easier now than it was after 3 months, and my dds are 11 and 6, I don't know how I would have coped with 2 young ones like you.
Zookeepers advice is brilliant, I can't think of anything to add to it.
Good luck x

addledbrain Fri 05-Sep-08 14:12:58

thank you x

allgonebellyup Fri 05-Sep-08 14:17:02

i am still heartbroken from my situation and it was just over a year ago now - althought the initial shock has worn off a bit.

i echo the advice the others have given you, and i have to say i get pissed off with well-meaning friends who keep enquiring as to whether i have met anyone else yet ; the answer is "NO!!!!!!!!!!!"
They seem to think that once i find someone else i will be back to my old happy self, well it doesnt work that way, you have to be happy in yourself. smile

zookeeper Fri 05-Sep-08 16:43:17

oh yes Allgone I get annoyed with that too - people wouldn't say that if the ex had died and in many ways the end of a relationship is like a bereavement

addledbrain Fri 05-Sep-08 21:15:14

I feel as though I'm mourning the life I had, the life my children should have had.

allgonebellyup Fri 05-Sep-08 21:29:16

you are mourning, and it is like a bereavement, but in many ways it is even worse - you have to know that they are still happily living on the same planet but waking up with another woman each morning sad

allgonebellyup Fri 05-Sep-08 21:33:28

lol at "i can see your clitoris"

Too much info

allgonebellyup Fri 05-Sep-08 21:34:08

oh my god
oh my god

wrong thread, sorry!!!!!!!!! blush

Majeika Fri 05-Sep-08 21:37:00


Hope the OP can see the funny side of that!

cantseemyfeet Sat 06-Sep-08 21:45:19

God it made me laugh!!

zookeeper Sun 07-Sep-08 09:54:01

how you doing Addledbrain?

allgonebellyup Sun 07-Sep-08 10:01:05

apologies again for wrong thread mishap blush

how are you addledbrain?

Tinkerbel6 Sun 07-Sep-08 10:35:43


addlebrain don't sit around waiting for him to throw scraps your way, it should be you deciding whether you are go to take him back, I think you should kick him to the kerb and start the healing process, you have s children who depend on you so do this for them, good luck

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