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Told XH today to stop threatening & trying to intimidate me!

(9 Posts)
SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 03-Sep-08 19:37:07

he's trying every which way to keep me in 'check' and under his control. today he said that if I say anything nasty/snidy comments to his new gf (the one he was with before we split up) she'd get up and walk off, and he'd follow her - when I told him he couldn't intimidate me and i'd say whatever the hell I liked to whom ever I liked he said, i'm not saying that am I, i'm just saying if you are nasty she'll leave and so will I - he's told her I hate her apparently as 'she stole my husband' - I don't like the woman, I have in intrest of knowing her, nor do I give a toss what they do together, BUT I'll try my up most to be civil to her for DS's sake no one elses - but I'm not going to be nice, and I certianly don't see why I should be respectful/do as XH says.

when I said he'd been controlling/threatening & intimidating our whole relationship he said 'whatever??' hmm (so that means i'm right and he knows it as topic was swiftly changed.)

honestly when will he stop playing games and step up to the mark?? he only rank DS today cos I said to him he was going to bed shortly - he'll talk down to me for an hour on the phone but barely talks to DS for 5 mins.

he's told me that beau isn't allowed to meet DS until he has, and the first time DS meets beau he's to be there as he wants to see how they interact - I know he has some rights but the first time??? (I do understand where he's coming from tbh and we always agreed we'd meet the respective partners together to see how they interact) but he seems to want to stay in control of the situation, and I feel as if there's a bit of a struggle going on either way beau doesn't want to meet XH until he starts showing me more respect but XH sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. (I've never spoken ill of XH to beau - but on the other hand have been honest when he's asked me questions on the marriage in general/what happened etc etc.)

I don't want DS to meet this woman until i've met her & know what she's going to be like around DS - so I do understand where he's coming from - but on the other hand, beau isn't a 20 year old student who tbh seems just the same as XH.

XH is making out everything's for the best with DS but so far he's tried - bullying me to get his own way until I said pack it in, and stood up to him, now he's back to playing the nice guy and using 'subtle' intimidation & threats. which again have said don't even try to do it as it won't work.

I'm pretty sure XH isn't happy with his choices anymore - as things don't seem as rosy in their camp - but I don't care about that - all I care about is DS and what's best for him. unfortunately it's not something we seem to agree on, as he seems to think DS is there to be controlled and he can control me still by using DS - something I won't allow.

am rather peed off still. so bit of a rant, and i'm prob unreasonable for the most part. but don't see why he should think it's ok to keep changin tactics to get his own way - I didn't want this it's his doing and he's not liking us moving on with our lives.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 03-Sep-08 19:38:24

(sorry should ahve said i'll be polite & civil but don't see why I should be nice & do the whole bessie buds thing)

undercovercat Wed 03-Sep-08 20:58:58

Hmm, why are you talking to him for an hour, nicely is bad enough but if he is talking down to you get off the phone.
Do you think it would be easier if you both seperately introduced your new partners without the other being there?
How bad could the new partners be, really?

missingtheaction Wed 03-Sep-08 21:09:31

hmm - bit of a muddle here. Reading your first sentence, he's being perfectly reasonable - IF you were nasty to his gf she is well within her rights to get up and walk off. I would if I were here.

You sound as though you are still very angry with each other, which means there is a strong emotional connection albeit a negative one. So you seem to be goading and baiting each other.

If you are strong enough not to be controlled then that's great. Best way is to limit contact and keep contact practical. If you have to talk about arrangements then talk about them in an unemotional way but don't get dragged into anything else.

Sorry, but you don't have the right to control his gf or the contact ds has with her when he is with his dad. If you have agreed that you will both vet each other's new partners then you have to let him vet yours same as you vet his, and you will have to accept his judgement if he doesn't approve of him. But personally I think this is a step too far and you should just cut the cord.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 03-Sep-08 21:11:02

(the hour was not all talking down to me - some of it was discussing DS's xmas stuff - where he is at the mo in terms of his speech, behaviour, etc etc - we manage to be civil on that front, and also discussing XH taking DS to his family's in oct (the main reason for the call) i've relented on giving him a week, and have agreed to 6 nights up there, and then 2 here with both of us so XH can help to settle DS back in again (i'm sure that was part of the prob why DS was so unsettled when he last came back - was away for 5 days then came home was thrusted at me and XH promptly left.)

so trying to make things easier on DS there.

(he's 2.5 btw.)

i'm wondering if it would be easier as I don't want DS's 'loyalties' to be compromised. I obviously want to see how they interact together as XH does - but then again I do realise if i'm there DS will be less likely to want to go with XH's partner. and likewise don't want XH to feel pushed out at all.

it's hard striking a balance to keep everyone happy, but mostly protecting DS from everyhting.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 03-Sep-08 21:13:10

mta - I wouldn't be nasty to her - as I say i'll play my part and be polite but apart from passing the time of day - why do I need to show an interest in what she does etc - after all it's not about me and her getting on it's about her & ds getting on.

I just don't appriciate being told what I can & can't say.

likewise thou XH seems to think he can say exactly what he wants to beau & I and not have any worries.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 03-Sep-08 21:15:09

(fwiw i'm not interested in controlling his gf - she'll get enough of that from him - believe me)

undercovercat Wed 03-Sep-08 21:18:07

Hmm, ok its good if you are discussing your ds for most of the time, you must stop the personal chat though as it really doesnt get you anywhere other than bloody angry or irate or pissed off or raging (can you tell I have experience with this lol)
It sounds like you are both clinging on to each other, even if it is still in a controlling manner.
You dont have long lingering goodbyes when other people are leaving do you? A chat with ds, on the way to your, its been a lovely week ds now you are going to see mummy, wooo hoo I think would suffice.
Protecting DS, it may be easier if you let each other get on with it

SpandexIsMyEnemy Thu 04-Sep-08 09:07:39

tbh the personal stuff is always on his end not mine. it's hard keeping everything cold with him as he's the one i've known all my adult life, we've been thru so much together - not all bad, he was my best friend in the world, my right arm who i'd have done anything for - (yes all the shite aside!), but I've trained myself somewhat not to think of him like that anymore.

it's not a case of wanting a long lingering goodbye with him - it's more a case of DS is still not 100% settled from last time he went away with XH in may - he's still coming in with me of a night. but is a lot better - the first 6 weeks were horrendous - but I think that's more to do with me being the only consistent in DS's life.

I don't want to control XH or his actions, I want to know who's around DS.

am going to say to XH today beau is coming with my family on boxing day, so ds will meet him then, (hopefully somewhat he'll blend with the rest of them), I know he's not going to be happy but it seems to me he wants it all ways - he wants me to do things his way or no way -= i will compromise and negotiate, he won't - the end result is me being walked over.

It's hard I know - and daft but i've never fully trusted XH with DS 99 % yes but never 100% - he's a good dad when it suits him and when it doesn't he can't be bothered.

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