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i know there is no answer but dd6 is so so unhappy.

(29 Posts)
piratecat Tue 02-Sep-08 23:10:22

I just need to talk, if thats ok. DD is just not getting over the way her dad is. We have counselling on friday, our first proper session. The other sessions have been for me to talk only aboutthe whole situation.

I can't stand the pain behind her eyes anymore, it doesn't matter what i say, and i have also said this on here many man times, but she is unhapy.

I can't fix this, i think she is depressed. It runs in the family, and she is bright, sensitive and emotionally grown beyong her 6 yrs, but she is only a baby too.

We seem to be stuck. Her little face breaks my fucking heart, when she starts crying, 'i don't think daddy wants me, i don't think he really cares'...

oh god i hate hate hate him. she won't see him, altho he only rang last week and suggested it again for the firsy time in months. If you remember he cocked up last time. I tried to put a few points across, and for once he didn't put the phone down on me or tell me to shut up. Yet he had an excuse for every shitty bit of behaviour he has ever shown dd the lst 3 yrs, then expcets me to agree to him comin gover here without telling her. right now i know she would hate this.

My dd is down, and i can't see an end to it.

piratecat Tue 02-Sep-08 23:13:03

i am sorry to say the samehtings, but its the same old crap , and i have had enough of it. Getting angry with him doesn't help, wether i vent it to him or not. I havent bothered for nearly a yr now.

Getting angry on here even, and venting, doesn't HELP my dd, and i am at my wits end, and i can't bear seeingher like this.

solidgoldbrass Tue 02-Sep-08 23:14:16

Can't offer any advice but lots of sympathy to you and DD, this is wretched.

sleepycat Tue 02-Sep-08 23:14:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piratecat Tue 02-Sep-08 23:15:16

i feel totally inadequet and useless as a mum when it comes to this issue.

piratecat Tue 02-Sep-08 23:17:41

in my convo withim last week he was STIll insisting i had to understand and dd had to understand he has a new family, a new life.(and basically she has to only do stuff on his terms)

godd for dd at refusing, afterbeing fiucked about, but her refusla is breaking her own heart. thats what i mean. it kills me it's not silly selfish refusal, it's self preservation refusal. which for a 6 yr old is fucking beyond a joke now.

Overmydeadbody Tue 02-Sep-08 23:17:55

oh gosh piratecat sad

your poor DD.

Keep talking on here, it doesn't matter if you keep saying the same thing over and over.

I'm dreading the day my ex tries to waltz back into DS's life angry Wankers the lot of them.

Give your DD a big hug, poor little tihng.

Overmydeadbody Tue 02-Sep-08 23:19:51

you are not useless as a mum, unfortunately it is something you have no control over but it's not your fault, as least your DD has one stable parent in her life!

Poor thing. Good on her for refusing to be fucked around any more. How selfish and short-sighted can this wanker man be?

Grrrr, I'm angry on your behalf now.

piratecat Tue 02-Sep-08 23:21:23

bedtimes have been a mare for 3 yrs, each night a nightmare her trying to get to sleep.
she's scared of bangs, noises, words, ( this is partly how sheis before he left) but it's enhanced her worst/most constant insecurities.

I am on prozac, and it is a good thing too, because my nerves would be shot to peices if i wasn't.

sometimes i get cross with her, and i feel awful, i say look if you are missing daddy then maybe you have to start over and see him again. whih thenm makes her look at me like i have told her the worst thing ever.

piratecat Tue 02-Sep-08 23:22:24

i could kill him

puffling Tue 02-Sep-08 23:29:26

I just looked at your daughter's pic on your profile. She looks lovely. I hope you find some resolution thru' counselling.

MrsWeasley Tue 02-Sep-08 23:38:53

Oh your poor DD, poor you too.

I can’t begin to feel the pain she is feeling and this may sound pathetic but would getting her a pet be of any use. You know something that will give her unconditional love etc kitten, guinea pig.

I don’t mean to offend or to trivialise her suffering it just what came into my bed as I looked at her picture (that and kicking her Dad up the **)

piratecat Wed 03-Sep-08 07:49:04

hi she has a cat, who is very independant, and isn't cuddly at all. She has been asking about a bunny, which i know can work out the same way if you get an unfreindly one (have had exp).

Yet it would give her something to love more and look after, so not trivial, and i totally agree that it would be theraputic.

IllegallyBrunette Wed 03-Sep-08 12:12:14

Dd2 sounds very similar to your dd. I also think dd2 is depressed.

It is so hard to know what to do for them though isn't it.

Hopefully the counselling will help her though PC.

Oh and wrt getting her a pet, guinea pigs are very good pets for kids.

IllegallyBrunette Wed 03-Sep-08 12:13:00

Dd2 wants a dog, and I know it would help her so much if she had one, but it just isn't practical unfortunatly.

Fluffybubble Wed 03-Sep-08 12:34:52

I think you are doing everything you can pc. Counselling will be good for both of you, and it is really good that you have recognized that you both need to offload. Your dd is obviously sensitive and articulate, which is good, because she's not bottling it all up.

As far as seeing her dad is concerned could he start again from scratch (would he understand that?!)? He could send her some postcards/ letters / notes and she could do the same (drawing etc)? It sounds like he needs to rebuild some trust in both of you. He has behaved very badly, and it is very difficult to try to see past that and see a way forward. Maybe baby steps is the way? Phone calls if the letters work, then very short visits etc. That way it will be on your dd's terms, not his. Obviously, this requires his cooperation and commitment....

Am really sorry that you are both suffering in this way, but I think that you have taken the first steps to rebuilding your lives by accepting some help. Things can only get

(Sorry for stream of consciousness waffle!!)

Tinkerbel6 Wed 03-Sep-08 13:05:09

piratecat your ex needs to also understand that you dont just forget a child because another family comes along, your daughter should be put first, I think you need to tell him how he is hurting your child and how depressed she is at the moment, hopefully in time she can be weaned off him

HonoriaGlossop Wed 03-Sep-08 13:23:47

Poor girl, and poor you piratecat - picking up the pieces!

Have you thought about doing the contact legally through a court and contact centre? Obviously only if DD does decide she wants to try again. But it would be more controlled; if he doesn't arrive you can then take that back to the court. No court IME is going to endlessly recommend a contact order where the child endures a weekly let-down....the child's needs are paramount (supposedly) in court.

Only an idea. I know there's no easy answer. Hope the counselling helps her anyway.

misi Wed 03-Sep-08 15:10:30

piratecat, as a father who has had his son taken away, I despair at fathers like this. I do not know what to say (a first some may saygrin)
I can understand the new family bit as those children are important too and should not loose out but to do this to one of his children, ie prioritise one set of children against another is plain wrong.
the stories of pain and anguish from fathers I have heard, when you talk of your ex, a chair, handcuffs, big wet fish, bucket of poo, and a donkey come to mind, and I will leave it to your own imagination as to what those could be used for but a pair of pliers are a must too.
this should be a situation where children from both families can play and run together as they are siblings, and I can never understand why this does not happen in many cases except that it is the parents who object because of petty arguments/reasons/oneupmanship and all the other crappy things that children ultimately bear the brunt of. many of the fathers I am familiar with would kill to have an exp like you who is willing and wants contact, and then there is this pratt of an ex of yours who throws that chance away.
have you thought of joining families needs fathers? the name can be misleading as many women are members too, gillybean from here is a member and is quite vociferous sometimes wink it is a goldmine of info too, but maybe talk to gilly first as I do not know all your circumstances etc.
I wish I had an answer piratecat, the mans a mixed up bas*ard and shooting is too good for him. I hope the counselling sessions go well and provide some sort of respite for you and your daughter. maybe your ex should get counselling too? I wonder what his new wife thinks of this? is she the instigator, jealous of you and your daughter and scared that she may take something away from her? or is she unknowing with your ex blaming all this on you? does she realise that if they split up, he would almost certainly do the same to her and her kids as he is doing to you and your kid? worth a thought to see if any sense can be made from this, and maybe, if you know the cause, then all of you can sit down and work something out for the best interests of all the kids?
clutching at straws here now so I will shut up hmm

Imnotok Wed 03-Sep-08 15:15:44

Just wanted to give you some support Piratecat no advice to offer just wanted to say I am sorry you and your dd are going through this and while she has a shitty parent (who will one day realise just what an idiot he has been and all that he has missed out on) you sound like a wonderful mum who is going to support her throughout

piratecat Wed 03-Sep-08 19:20:22

hi, thanks for your replies everyone.

I suggested a contact centre last yr, to which i got ' if you do that i will be forced never to see her again'

His new wife, altho she seemd ok to begin with, has gradually lost herslef in his sob stories, and he in hers imo.

It's all about them, and nothing about dd. He actually said ' so does this mean i will never get to see my duaghter again', i mean ffs, 'what are you trying to do to make it up toher' i thought, yes 'lets all feel sorry for you shall we'

He has been told how depressed she is, i told him' you don't listen, not even to dd (she left him a message in anger once) so what do you expect?'

He also said 'oh i wish we could work this out, becuase i really don't want to get solicitors invloved' i said, 'there is no solicitor who can force dd to see you, go to court and get a contact order'

Last time dd wanted to see him he left it days till he got back to us, and then gave her a half hour slot (at 8 am) which dd agreed to, then he texted me to say he forgot , his car won't be on the road. I pulled him uop about this, and other things that hace happened, and of cours eit was all 'yes but you must understand I have a life too, and i couldn't help that' hmm I pulled him up on a few things, for the first time in nearly a yr, as i gave up when i was told to shut up, by him, (in tears) and by his gf (then) in a rude message.

I said, i don't help you out any more exdh, i only want to help dd. I think he 'might' have mumbled something about maybe he hasn't handled it very well, but I was in the middle of a sentence. There has never been a sorry, an apology, nothing. He was more concerend a nd verbal in this last convo, about me expressing concern over how the hell dd was aware of rolling a spliff. Oh he got very shirty abotu that, swearing that he had not smoked in over 2 yrs. I said well she's seen you do it. I also said 'oh dear so you mean to say we con't even have dope to fall back on for your teribble behaviour over the last 2 yrs then, you mean to say this is you, this is normal?'


misi Wed 03-Sep-08 20:30:54

piratecat, contact centres are horrible places I am told, traumatising for the kids as much as for dad.

I don't know what to suggest, forgetting about him for a while while you and dd get your 'heads' together with the counselling or attempting once more in line with counselling to make him see what he is doing maybe through mediation of some sort or a third party you both can trust.

the saying that you crawl on your hands and knees to see your kids if thats what it takes is very true, and I don't think this is in his psyche is it?

as a father being on the recieving end of the family injustice system, I would say give it one more go to satisfy yourself you have done everything you could, as a parent, I would be inclined to tell him to stick it and concentrate on getting my child through this hell she doesn't deserve.

fuckwit? yes I like that term

HonoriaGlossop Wed 03-Sep-08 20:52:57

I've worked in a contact centre and it's not an ideal environment by any means for the parent; they often feel demeaned by having to go there and it is hard work TBH focussing on the child for two or three hours without being able to change rooms, go to the park, or just go and make a cup of tea or whatever!

However the one I worked at was a lovely, bright, rich environment and the girls who ran the place (not me I hasten to add) were very professional, warm and kind and laid on LOADS of toys and activities for the kids to choose from. They were carefully non-judgmental about the parents who came and they worked really hard to keep all parents seperate. It was a great resource IMO for kids who would not have seen their non-resident parent otherwise and also a useful resource for court because, although no contact worker would give details ABOUT contact, as it's confidential, they could let the court know about both parents it can be useful if the non resident parent is arsing about and not turning up or if the resident parent is not bringing the child; you have a neutral party to give the court the facts.

I wouldn't dismiss the contact centre option for this instance personally; because where a child is so upset as to need counselling, I think it's worth getting a court contact order and asking for it to be at a CC. i realise that he may use this as a chance to break contact though and I would not in a million years try to sway you one way or the other as this may have profound impacts on your DD's life; I just tihnk it may be worth looking at/taking advice on etc

misi Wed 03-Sep-08 21:06:38

HonoriaGlossop can you tell me where this centre is? I know many fathers who would love a place like this against the majority of the real crap ones out there!!

HonoriaGlossop Wed 03-Sep-08 21:13:56

This one is on the south coast, don't want to be more specific as I like to keep my mumsnet mysssssstery

<floats around cloaked and veiled in impenetrable mystery>

However I am at liberty to tell you grin that this was run as a contact centre with workers employed for the purpose. Many I believe are held in church halls etc and by people who while they might be well intentioned are not professional and may not offer high levels of confidentiality etc. Some local council websites may have lists of contact centres available and it may be possible to check on the likely professionalism of the set up that way. HTH.

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