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When you are pregnant and know that you are going to do it alone...

(48 Posts)
electra Mon 01-Sep-08 18:31:44

I have two dds already from my marriage. Recently I found out I was pregnant again (my coil came out) and the father is a man who I had a 6 month relationship with (he was living in England temporarily). I don't feel that I can have a termination. My family are trying to persuade me to place the child for adoption but when it comes to it I am concerned I won't be able to go through with it. My mother has said to me she thinks if I have the child and keep it my life will be screwed up.

Have any of you gone through your pregnancy knowing that your child won't know his/her biological father and also that you will have to do it all alone? I have spent the day crying about the situation I'm in. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or whether it's hormones...It seems as if the realization of what is going on has set in now and I feel very lonely.

Majeika Mon 01-Sep-08 18:37:09

Is there no chance of the man coming back and making a go of it with you?

goodness - poor you. Cannot imagine how you must be feeling but doubt you could give it up for adoption when it came to it.

How old are your dds?

electra Mon 01-Sep-08 18:45:56

Hi Majeika. My dds are 6 and 4 (soon to be 7 and 5). WRT the man, he just isn't suitable father material. He treated me well but he spends a huge amount of his time smoking weed and I have known people to spend literally years doing this. He has the kind of lifestyle where if he isn't working he doesn't want to go out of his room.

bethoo Mon 01-Sep-08 18:47:01

i am pregnant and not with the father through choice as had enough of his bollocks. we already have a ds 18months together. when i was pregnant with him he pretty much dismissed me so i have no idea why i went back to him but this time round i am stronger and feel i cope without him just fine. having your dcs means that this pregnancy will fly withjout you realising. i am sure that when it comes to the crunch you will be fine. you will meet other ladies in your situation at classes and appointments and on mn too smile

ShyBaby Mon 01-Sep-08 18:47:43

I went through my second pg alone from about 3 months. Not going into too much detail (it would be an epic) I knew that I could either:

A: Have a termination, resent the father for it, so be alone and possibly regretting my decision.

B: Keep the baby, in which case I knew he would leave us anyway (I was correct, he did).Either way our relationship was doomed from the moment I found out I was pregnant.

Still, I booked a termination and didn't go. Bf then walked out on us. No warning, no argument, nothing. He just disappeared.

I booked another termination and didnt go. I cried for two whole weeks from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep. I have never felt so bad in my life.

But somehow, despite the fact everything seemed to be against us, I managed to pull myself together. Its been really tough at times but i've never once regretted having dd. She starts primary school this week and I couldn't be more proud smile.

spicemonster Mon 01-Sep-08 18:49:01

My child doesn't know his bio dad but I chose to conceive. It must be very different when it's an accident so you haven't chosen to do it alone. Poor you

Why does your mum think your life will be screwed up if you don't give the baby up for adoption? Are you coping okay with your other two DDs?

lucsnowe Mon 01-Sep-08 19:09:15

My daughter doesn't know her father, and I always knew that would be the case. It's a long story which I'd be happy to detail for you if you wanted, but his name isn't even on the birth certificate. All I can say is that I adore my daughter so much, I feel that would sustain me through anything, but I know it must be very difficult for you, and I'm not underestimating your current feelings. Let me know if you want to know anymore.

electra Mon 01-Sep-08 19:20:12

I think my family are worried because they didn't approve of the relationship I had with this person and also because I have had mental helath problems. Lately, though I have been fine (in as much as I can think clearly and people say I seem normal). Pregnancy seems to give me a sort of stability for some reason (possibly the hormones). But most of the time I take medication which helps.

lucsnowe - if you're happy to share what happened with you it would help - sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in this situation as I look around me at people whose marriages haven't fallen apart spectacularly as mine did, hence my current situation. I know I choose the wrong men quite often but I'm not sure why I do it. And I never seem to learn from my mistakes.

electra Mon 01-Sep-08 20:31:26


Ally90 Mon 01-Sep-08 20:53:11

Electra, don't listen to your your own feelings. Your children are school age (youngest starting/started by the time you have baby?) so that will make things easier to manage (I imagine, I only have one dd at the moment).

How are you btw? I fear I scared you off the stately's thread... blush

CapricaSix Mon 01-Sep-08 20:55:30

Hello electra.
I had a drunken one night stand with a guy from another country (don't want to detail where but a LONG way away). I knew him from work, it happened on his leaving do before he went back home! blush I have never felt so stupid in my life! I was terrified too because i had always had a major medical phobia and was having to face some of my worst fears. But I didn't consider either abortion or adoption an option for me personally, so was always going to do it alone.

I cannot tell you how happy I am that I had dd. I think your mother is wrong to say your life will be screwed up shock. It was a stupid mistake i made and I was absolutely terrified and there were times after dd was born I was depressed and exhausted and lonely and all that, but the positives have outweighed those negatives BIG TIME!

I was lucky because my parents were very supportive (if shocked at first!). Even if you do keep the baby, are your parents likely to be supportive at all regardless?

I am also lucky because dd's dad is a decent guy & has always been keen to stay in touch, by email, and has sent birthday & christmas presents, and recently also by phone. He is too far away for either of us to visit each other. Do you think the father would be willing to stay in touch even in a small way?

In a practical sense, there is so much positive to say about being a single parent from the beginning. Compared to being a couple, I think that in spite of the acute loneliness & exhaustion, in lots of ways it's easier being a single parent in those early years because there's only you to make the decisions (yes that can be lonely & scary too, i know!), only one approach for the child to deal with, etc. And as far as lone parenthood is concerned, there hasn't been a horrible break-up to deal with, so you can be positive &/or matter of fact from the beginning about their family set up.

solidgoldbrass Mon 01-Sep-08 21:03:07

I'm another one who had an unplanned pregnancy with a guy I wasn't in a couple situation with. When I first told him, he was supportive but a week or two down the line he said he didn't want to be a 'part time father' and suggested I terminate the pregnancy. I told him to piss off at that point (now this is only my point of view and I believe that every woman has the right to make up her own mind WRT unplanned PG - but I felt that I couldn't go back from thinking of the PG as a 'baby' to thinking of it as a 'problem'.) I had supportive friends and family, even though I lost my main job when I was about 5 months PG and had to sell my flat to clear my debts.

The good news is that DS dad had a massive change of heart, DS is now nearly 4 and sees his dad at least twice a week, his dad and I are on very amicable terms though not and never will be a couple (we are more like siblings, we tease each other and get on each others' nerves but we can manage to do things like have family camping trips without squabbling too much).
The man who got you PG may not be a good partner for you but he may well be a good or at least acceptable co-parent to his child. Even if his initial reaction is 'Nothing to do with me' or worse, try to keep the door open unless his drug use is so excessive that he is either dangerous or involved with dangerous people.

abouteve Mon 01-Sep-08 21:09:34

I did it alone. The pregnancy wasn't planned and I'd already stopped seeing the father before I found out.

He was 12 years younger than me I was 32 at the time, you do the maths. He wasn't exactly mature for his age and I knew if I didn't have an abortion then I would be going it alone. (I would never consider adoption, this was my first baby).

So I did it and don't regret it at all. It hasn't been plain sailing but the good times have far outweighed the bad. I did have support from family including his in the early years and that helped enormously. He never made the grade as a father to my DD although she knows who he is and has had contact albeit infrequent.

The only niggling regret I have is that I'd never experienced having a child within a stable relationship. She remains my only one.

Your situation is different but I would honestly go with your gut instinct. If you know you can do a reasonable job of bringing up another one then don't let anyone talk you out of it. They will all come round when the baby is here.

Good luck smile.

iLoveIceCream Mon 01-Sep-08 21:11:06

I wasn't in a 'proper' relationship with my ds father, I always knew I was going to be a lone parent. My mum pleaded with me to have a termination but it was never something I was going to do. Deep down you'll know what's right for you.

You won't actually be alone, your friends and family will be there to support you whatever decision you make and I've always looked to MN for support as well - there's some lovely people on here, lots with similar circumstances so you must never feel alone.

Of course it can be difficult sometimes, but thats the case even if you're with a partner!

Chin up xxx

NotDoingTheHousework Mon 01-Sep-08 21:22:57

Message withdrawn

frankiesbestfriend Mon 01-Sep-08 21:23:10

I have never known my biological father and he is not named on my birth certificate.

I just wanted to let you know that as someone who has been the child in this situation I do not feel I missed out. I had a fantastic mother, wonderful grandparents, and great male role models in my grandfather and some brilliant male teachers.

Only you know if you are strong enough to do this alone, but it sounds to me as though you are in a good place mentally, and have the experience to cope with a new baby. They do say your third is the easiest, don't they?

I also had a very planned pregnancy with my dd, I was married and had been ttc for a year, and when I got that bfp all I could think was "OMG What have I done?".
I think many women have these hormonal reactions, planned pregnancy or not.

Good luck, and try not to let anyone other than yourself or your dds influence your decision.

Aarrgghh Mon 01-Sep-08 22:49:13

Hi - I had ds now aged 3 and knew from 16 weeks i was going it alone - it was a silly fling - i don't regret it although it has been hard work but have help from my mum. Do you any other support?

CapricaSix Mon 01-Sep-08 23:05:57

NotDoingTheHousework - i didn't mention it before because I didn't think it was relevant, but I had got together with my boyfriend just before finding out i was pg. Amazingly he wanted to stick it out, and we carried on the relationship as "normal", step at a time, not living together or anything. But the first couple of years were very, very hard. I often thought it would be soooo much easier if i only had motherhood & dd to focus on. Boyfriend was a complication. It's interesting that you felt the opposite, iykwim!

fwiw we're very happy & settled now, still not living together (for various reasons) but he is very supportive & involved and deserves the label "dp" these days!

Tinkerbel6 Tue 02-Sep-08 10:48:56

electra your life won't be ruined just because you child won't have their father around, you will have 3 beautiful children to love and care for. I think your parents needs to back off, they can't cherry pick children to put up for adoption, this has nothing to do with them so don't let them put pressure on you to do something you dont want to do, you will cope because you will learn too

greenandpleasant Tue 02-Sep-08 11:01:13

Oh you poor thing. You need some support from your family and to know that they will be there to help you, rather than this attitude. Don't see how they feel you could put your child up for adoption so easily. And your life will not be screwed up!

I was pg when DH died, so situation is a bit different but yes I realised that it would be me and ds and no father here, even if there will be lots of talk about Daddy to help ds know his father a bit.

it is scary as hell ... but you can do it. you just do cope. the more practical support you can get the better. once the baby arrives and your mother sees her new dgc she will no doubt feel differently.

lucsnowe Tue 02-Sep-08 13:52:33

Electra- I'm just grabbing moment while lovely one naps. I'm so sure you won't regret having your baby and doing it alone, although it will be tough. I was lucky enough to have a very supportive family- it sounds like your mother is rather negative- but even so, what do your friends say? My baby's father gives us nothing, I even had my income support reduced because I wouldn't disclose his details. I just knew life would be very miserable if he was outraged. He wanted nothing to do with me or his baby once he knew I was pregnant because he comes from a very traditional Hindu family and knew his mother would be very upset, perhaps on her death bed, if she found out about his relationships with white women. He claimed to be suicidal. Much as I took all with a pinch of salt, I didn't want all the emotional blackmail etc, and I'm so pleased now to have my independence. I've had some difficult times, but don't regret any of the decisions I made.

electra Wed 03-Sep-08 14:56:44

Thanks for all your replies - I do appreciate the time you have taken. Sorry, I haven't posted sooner but was feeling so bad yesterday about it I started again to consider a termination, but I have woken up this morning feeling differently again!! I'm very confused still but really thinking I would probably regret a termination.

lucsnowe Wed 03-Sep-08 18:31:33

Yes- I would advise against a termination. I think you're more likely to regret that than having the baby. Sorry you've been feeling bad, but really hope you can find encouragement and support from your friends and maybe your midwife?

frankiesbestfriend Wed 03-Sep-08 22:03:37

Hope you're feeling a bit more positive, Electra.

What are your specific worries about having this baby? Is it the financial struggle or are your concerns more to do with how you will cope emotionally? Once the hormones have settled you may feel more capable.

Like lucsnowe, I got the impression you could be damaged more emotionally by a termination than by having the baby.As I said before though, I wouldn't like to try sway you one way or another, this is a decision you should make based on how you feel.

Do you have a sister maybe, or a close friend you could lean on through the pregnancy and beyond?

electra Thu 04-Sep-08 22:40:23

Hi all. Thanks again. frankie - I have two girls already and I am quite busy making sure they both have what they need. I think it's also to do with the relationship that I had with this man. My mum is being very good which surprised me because she often gets very angry about this sort of thing and my relationship with her of late has been very strained.

But you know after all this I think I may be having a miscarriage so I'm going to the GP tomorrow...

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