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Any positive stories of single parents who have got together with people who don't have children?

(101 Posts)
Pinkchampagne Sat 30-Aug-08 18:59:52

I have been with my new partner a year now, and have developed very strong feelings for him. I have two boys, and he has always said this isn't an issue for him at all. The boys have met him quite a few times, been out for a day with us, been round friends with us, and last week we took them round his parents for the first time. Most time we spend together is when the boys are with their dad, as we only get to see each other a couple of times a week due to living in different towns & him working nights all week, and it is nice to have some time out. I am lucky in that their dad sees them a lot, so I have this opportunity.

I worry so much about our future though, as his lifestyle is pretty stress free, with just a little dog to worry about. My children can be hard work & I worry our relationship couldn't work out long term.

I think this has all come to the surface of my mind, as my sister said a couple of days back, "do you ever wonder why he is with you - a harrassed mother of two?!"
I guess she has a point, and it has made me think.

I was cautious of developing feelings at the beginning of our relationship, but now that has happened, I can't bear the thought of it all going wrong.

eandh Sat 30-Aug-08 19:10:57

My brother has a 'step' son, he met his (now) fiancee when her little boy was 9 months old, she was 20 and had been in an abusive relationship which ended when her ex held a knife to her throat whilst she was feeding her son (he was 6 weeks old)

They 'dated' for about a year (she lived about an hour away) she often stayed at his house at weekends but her little boy always with her (they borrowed my travel cot and few toys etc to keep theri for him) After about 18months she took the plunge to move in with him permantely and they have since moved into a bigger house and got engaged. Her son has some speech problems,he is 2.7 butthe only word he says is 'Daddy' which is what he now calls my brother smile and they are now trying for a baby of their own.

He has dealt with quite alot since being with fiancee as her ex continued to cause lots of issues and at Xmas threatened to kill her and snatch her son (she was in the house on her own, called police who caught him half way to the house shock my Dad went to the house to look after her DS (he wa sin bed) and I went to police station with her and persuaded her to press charges and he now has an injunction not to go near her/ds)

So if he can do it (he was the typical 'bachelor'/going out with mates lad) then I am sure anyone can do it!

SpandexIsMyEnemy Sat 30-Aug-08 19:16:40

he's with your PC because you're a lovely lovely lady, and he sees you as a special lady.

I would say be cautious still but on the other hand, as mum said to me today - you deserve to be happy - and you honestly do after everything.

I think this mans' a keeper from what you've said on here about him anyhow.

Trafficcone Sat 30-Aug-08 19:17:56

I met Dh when DS1 was 2. We were married within 6 months and now have 2 kids together as well as trying for #4.
He's with me because he loves me and he loves DS1, no pity, no ulterior motive, just love, the same as any other relationship.
Don't wreck your own happiness by over analysing things and ignore your bloody sister! Is she jealous perchance?

zippitippitoes Sat 30-Aug-08 19:18:08

YOU HAVE ONLY EVER SAID POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT HIM

I DONT THINK YOU CAN ACTUALLY KNOW 100%

BUT HE SOUNDS LIKE A VERY PROMISING PARTNER

whoops sorry

mankymummy Sat 30-Aug-08 19:21:58

Me. my partner/boyfriend whatever you call it has no kids, is 11 years younger than me and has a lot of probs to deal with himself.

we have our ups and downs but on the whole it works. i've found someone i can talk to, who loves DS and whom DS loves back, we laugh all the time etc.

you could never meet a man with less experience with kids before we got together and he is absolutely fabulous with DS.

he accepts the limitations of my situation and i accept and welcome the fact he still wants to go out with his mates.

grin

Pinkchampagne Sat 30-Aug-08 19:26:39

He is lovely - I feel very lucky to have met him, and he has said the same about me.

I know the whole children thing is a big deal, and I have introduced them very slowly. He is good with the boys, and he has 4 nephews, so is kind of used to children.

My sister isn't jealous (she is very happily married), but hasn't yet met him, as like the rest of my family, is finding it hard to adjust to me no longer being with ex H.
She has no children of her own, and when I took my boys (who were being typical children in her garden) round her house, she also said "Don't ever move in with him - it will last 2 seconds!"

Shoshe Sat 30-Aug-08 19:26:51

12 years ago I met a man who was only 29, he had no children, was a typical single soldier.

I on the other hand had a 18 year old son and a 1 year old granddaughter that I was looking after.

We have been now married 8 years in November, and you could not find a more proud Grandad, (yes he has been grandad from when he move d in 11 years ago, at the age of 30.)

Go for it PC, he is with you cos he loves you, and your kids, or he would still be around after a year.

ElenorRigby Sat 30-Aug-08 19:30:08

If he loves you he will make it work!
I met my DP 3 years ago. He had been separated from his ex wife nearly 18 months. I was an independent woman who knew nothing about kids, wasnt interested in them whatsoever, my main pastimes were pubbing and clubbing. I had never wanted to date anyone with young kids.
DP and I met at a book club. I was smitten very quickly! blush
He never made a secret of the fact he had a 3 year old DD, I remember thinking lets just go with the flow and see how it goes.
After 5 months I met his DD, I was nervous as hell! I was introduced just as a friend.
I built a very good relationship with DP's DD despite my inexperience and nerves!
DP and I have lived together for nearly 18 months and now have a 12 month old DD also.

So in 3 years I have gone from party girl to a settled mum shock

In short Id say dont be tempted to rush things, just go with the flow, have the kids think of your bf as a friend of yours, dont worry too much and see how it goes.

Pinkchampagne Sat 30-Aug-08 19:38:42

Oh I am not wanting to rush things. I have only been in this house 15 months, and I am happy with how things are going atm. I am just worrying that we will never be able to move on. I guess my sisters comments have really got me thinking.

Good to hear all these positive stories.smile

oldcrock Sat 30-Aug-08 19:39:22

Me too - dp was 40 when I met him and he has no children. He has been brilliant with my 2 dds (dd2 has severe SN as well) and seems to have adapted to life with them (we have been living together 1.5 years). I would say both my dds are happier from living in a stable, happy situation. I did introduce them to him quite early on though, and dd1 was initially quite hostile - it has just taken time, but now she seems to like him and chats/plays happily with him.

Like someone else said, I am happy for dp to still go off and be 'free' as they are not his children, but he seems to mostly be happy to be a family.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Sat 30-Aug-08 19:40:22

yes i have experience with a man who didnt have children. he has now has two lovely little girls one he has brought up without prompting and always thought of as his own since she started calling him daddy at age 18 months old and the other is our 15 month old dd2.

mankymummy Sat 30-Aug-08 19:41:24

agree oldcrock.. my DP often would rather come round to mine than go for a boys night out. me on the other hand... give me a chance and he can stay in with DS and I'll go out on the razzle.

i think the key Pink is to respect each others lives, doesnt mean you cant have a life together though...

undervalued Sat 30-Aug-08 19:49:00

I already had two DC (6 and 4) when I met my DH. It hasn't been easy - we have never had time on our own (even took our son on honeymoon!) I think the fact that he didn't have children helped. We have now been together 16 years and going strong. Go with your instincts PC and I hope it all works out for you.

Pinkchampagne Sat 30-Aug-08 19:49:40

Oh absolutely. He goes skiing with his friends once a year, and he plays golf & cricket a lot. I would always encourage him to keep doing all the things he enjoys - I think that it is important. We are not even thinking of living together or anything yet. We have both recently come out of marriages so aren't rushing anything like that. I just wanted some reassurance that my children doesn't have to mean our future is doomed!

SpandexIsMyEnemy Sat 30-Aug-08 19:52:07

PC - if he's half the man you think he is then your DC's won't be an issue - tbh I think your sis isn't envy at all, I think she's just not very maternal/used to kids, so is coming at this from the angel of if it was her she wouldn't entertain it. iycwim.

it's a shame your family won't meet your DP thou.

Anna8888 Sat 30-Aug-08 19:52:42

My partner had two boys when we met and I had no children. We saw one another without the children for nearly two years before he introduced them to me.

Six and a half years down the line we have a nearly four year old daughter.

Obviously we have more stress in some ways than in the earlier days and we did go through a lot of "teething problems" when we all started to live together as a family. But you do get through it smile

Anna8888 Sat 30-Aug-08 19:54:57

PinkChampagne - are you prepared to have more children? I suspect that'll be the real issue - your boyfriend will want children of his own wink

CapricaSix Sat 30-Aug-08 20:00:07

Me me me.
But I've been with my dp since I was pg (5 1/2 yrs ago), so a little different. There is no father around at all, so dp had to be round at mine from the word go. We still don't live together though. I have worried about the future in the way you are, but the more involved dp has got with my dd & our day to day life, the more relaxed I am about it. Plus we have the opportunity to talk loads about hypothetical situations, talk parenting quibbles out without it being about us iykwim. These days it feels as though we ought to be living together really, but the financial implications on us both don't bear thinking about. Plus, we both like our space & independence too much to consider it yet!

So, I do think that it would be good if he gradually became more involved in your day to day life, before taking the plunge and actually living together. He sounds great, but so far it sounds as if you've been able to carry on a relationship more or less as if you didn't have children - which I never could.

On a positive note, when you think about it, we can lay down a solid foundation for the future - we have the benefit of our prior experienec, compared to couples who are launching into parenthood blind together! dp and i know more or less what we're letting ourselves in for if we do go ahead and settle down, or have our own, lots don't! Partly why we're not rushing into anything...!

oh, and one last thing - don't listen to your sister!!

AbbeyA Sat 30-Aug-08 20:02:33

Good luck, Pinkchampagne-it can work brilliantly. I think it is easier if they don't have any children of their own. I had one ds aged 6 when I met DH, who was single and late 30's. We took it slowly to start with and he got on great with DS. I was a bit worried that he wasn't seeing DS at his worst so we went on holiday together so that he could get the 'warts and all' picture.
We got married and have 2 more DSs and we are just a family with 3 DSs.

ElenorRigby Sat 30-Aug-08 20:03:36

I would also add that if someone is single and dates someone with kids, they really have to be pretty smitten. As a single person with no kids IME its a huge step to date someone with kids especially if you know very little about children.
He's already dated you for a year, the kids have met his parents, that defo sounds like he's serious.
As I have said already try not to worry too much!

Piffle Sat 30-Aug-08 20:11:57

dp and I!
Together 10yrs engaged 2 more children of our own
I had ds1 and was very single
'Twas the right man as you will know instinctively
Fwiw dp has financially supported ds1 even though ds1s own dad contributes small amount dp provides as I am SAHM
He is wonderful

CapricaSix Sat 30-Aug-08 20:17:20

I took so long to write my post, just read your last one
"I just wanted some reassurance that my children doesn't have to mean our future is doomed!"

Bless you! I worried about this in the early days too, but really, have more faith in your dp than that! He wouldn't be with you if the DSs were an issue, would he? He would have run a mile. I had to keep on repeating that to myself in dd's first (very difficult) year.

Nowadays, the three of us are very much a package. dp & i make sure we spend as much quality time together the two of us (mostly evenings in!) and also as a threesome. If he's here in time, he does the bedtime story. He plays with dd lots at the weekend when he's here (he's a big kid!) and naturally helps with the tidying up/washing up/cooking (well, cooking's stretching it a bit!) side of things too. He also babysits now & then, and we go on days out together sometimes too.

There's no reason why your relationship shouldn't gradually move on in that way too, it just naturally sort of happened, i think partly down to his confidence with dd growing, and working out what his role is. You're probably worrying about the future because at the moment you're not ready for it, but that isn't to say you won't be in the future! I've totally been there, in fact i'm sure there's a similar thread somewhere started by me!

PastYourBedtime Sat 30-Aug-08 20:18:24

My fiancee met me two years ago when i was single with two boys - 2 and 4 years old. He was the typical lad and had never considered dating a woman with children (he was 26) but we just clicked and fell madly in love. Two years on he sees the kids as his own and always replies when asked if he has children "i have two beautiful boys" we are trying for one of our own and are a very happy family. There were some difficult times, and some adjusting to do on all parts but we got there.

CapricaSix Sat 30-Aug-08 20:19:32

PS Anna888 has a good point re more children, I have had to think long & hard about that one myself because dp def wants one of his own one day, and i sometimes go through phases of thinking no way never again! Plus I worry about the impact on dd...

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