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do I have any right to know what xh does with ds when he has him?

(14 Posts)
ratbunny Sat 30-Aug-08 14:37:57

xh is refusing to tell me what he is doing with ds when hes out. ds is only 19mo, and has food allergies, so I do worry.
do I have any right to know?

ratbunny Sat 30-Aug-08 15:03:51

also what is bloody annoying is I pack his bag for him, and make him his food, and I dont know what to prepare for!
bloody xh!

kittycats Sat 30-Aug-08 19:25:55

hi,yes i do think you have a right to know where your child is going and who they are spending time with.my ex did the same and he was abit of a control freak!

TheProvincialLady Sat 30-Aug-08 19:28:22

I don't think you can make him tell you, though he is being an arse for not telling you. Try not to show that you are interested, or care - it is a control thing. Regarding the packing, pack for every eventuality - it is your ex who has to lug the stuff around!

hecate Sat 30-Aug-08 19:30:38

I don't know. Do you think you should tell your ex where you are going when you take your son out?

Janni Sat 30-Aug-08 20:23:03

It's a shame that your ex is using your DS to punish you for whatever he's angry about.

Is there any way you can have some non-confrontational contact with him to discuss this, as it's a long term issue which will only get worse as your DS gets older and has his own ideas about what he wants.

Could you write him a letter or get someone to speak to him on your behalf, explaining that you are in no way checking up on him, but that when you are sharing care each partner REALLY needs to know what the other is doing so that there can be consistency and routine.

kama Sat 30-Aug-08 20:41:49

Message withdrawn

yerblurt Sat 30-Aug-08 20:55:23

I don't think you have a right to know what he's been doing - that would smack of control freakery from his point of view

I understand your worries, however, especially if the child has a food allergy. What sort of 'allergy' is it.

Far better to approach things constructively and in a non-aggressive manner - mention that child has a dislike/allergy of food X and could dad make sure that child doesn't have any foods with X in it.

To echo what another poster has said - why are you packing a bag? It's time for dad to buck his ideas up a bit and take a little bit of control for himself and provide the basics. Give him some ideas, but be wary of how this can be viewed as 'bossing' or 'control freakery' as us men are sensitive about that, ahh bless us eh?

misi Sat 30-Aug-08 22:07:42

you do not have the right to know, I should know, the judge told me so when in court with my ex years ago. I wasn't controlling, I actually wanted to know where she was taking my son on holiday which meant that my contact time was stopped. very reasonable I thought and so did many others, but apparently, according to the biased awful bastard nice judge, I have no right to know what my ex does with my son whilst in her care and the same goes for her (at the time she was refusing to tell me where she was going except 'on holiday so you can't have him' she was phoning all the time whilst he was with me asking what he was doing where we were going etc etc etc. wouldn't mind but she was not interested when we were together!!
personally, I think it is common decency and manners to talk to each other and let each other know what goes on when non normal things are going on. as your son is 19mths old with food intolerances, I don't see why you are not talking to each other calmly and constructively about what is best. there are ways and means of asking/talking to each other about this sort of thing. Janni, I am not sure where you got about the father using his son to punish mother from? can you tell me where from the postings of ratbunny you summised this?
I have never used my son as a weapon against his mum, I have never used him to 'punish' her yet I have refused to tell her what is going on/where I take him as for one, it is not her business, two, she is a control freak, three she doesn't tell me when she takes him overnight to her friends house whose hubby is a druggie, four, I am perfectly capable of looking after him on my own as I was for the 18mths we were together after he was born and five my son doesn't want me to tell her things as she only questions him even more than she normally does if I do and she then tries to emulate anything we have done.

personally again, I would not pack a bag for him, your ex is old enough to do so for himself and big enough to have a duplicate set of anything at his home for his son, without responsibilty, he is perpetuating his own myth that he is a weekend father, by doing this for him, you are negating his responsibilites and are re-inforcing the idea that your son only has one parent, his mum, and another person who comes to take him out/away. your son will not benefit from this at all. make your ex stand on his own two feet and you hopefully will be suprised by the outcome and the new level of co-operation that will exist between you and your ex. with responsibility comes enlightenment, so unless he is an outright bastard, he may soon realise your concerns and start a dialogue with you. as for the intolerances (I say intolerances as allergies to food are rare and often violent, I am allergic to mushrooms and if I ate a small slither I would be in hospital with anaphylactic shock if I was got there in time that is as an example) this si something that should be discussed.if your ex knows what the intolerances are, you will have to trust him, if he does not know then he must be made to listen and do what is best for his son by taking advice. intolerances, although not life threatening (mostly), can be distressing, if he cares for his son he will listen, if he doesn't care for his son, why is he having contact?

Mamazon Sat 30-Aug-08 22:12:36

unless you think he is doing something that is unreasonable then no you dont need to know.

You can ask if he will require warm clothes etc but otehr than that just let go.

You are his mum and you care deeply but he is also his father and loves him just as much as you do. unless you have reason to believe he will not care for him appropriatly then let him get on with having some time with his child.
im sure he isn't stupid and if he knows about the allergies etc then he will be carefull.

relax and stop trying to control everything. think of it as time for yourself.

ratbunny Sat 30-Aug-08 23:32:33

I think it is a common decency thing too that he lets me know what he's up to. I tell him what I am doing with him when he asks. I am only looking out for ds, not trying to control what xh does with him. I do think its a control thing with him unfortunately - its another way to try to keep me hanging

misi - so sorry your ex is so controlling. it may not be your RIGHT to know, but anyone would agree that you did deserve to know.

ds does have proper allergies (egg, nuts, sesame), as well as intolerances (dairy). xh does understand that, and he is gradually taking more responsibilty with ds's food, but it is something we are working towards. I have given him info about his allergies (he has never seen him react, so can quite dismissive), but I will prepare ds's food until I am confident xh KNOWS what he can and cant have. we are both happy with this arrangement.

didnt think about how xh should really be doing the bag himself. so far, xh doesnt have a cot or highchair for him, or any toys. so yes he does need to take more responsibililty. I guess while I am doing things for ds's sake, xh wont need to take that responsibility himself.

ok, will try to sit down to discuss all this with him tomorrow, though he will probably come up with a reason why he cant talk..

misi Sun 31-Aug-08 00:28:28

it is common decency for 2 parents to be able to talk and discuss things together after separation, but unfortunately, it doesn't always work like that. other people, perceptions, misconceptions, family injustice system, solicitors etc, all conspire to make things difficult and its always the kids who are the innocents that loose out. sad

I would say your ex is happy about the food situation as it means he doesn't have to take responsibility hmm

there is a fine line in all this. if you were the main carer before separation then you will assume a dominant role (thats not a critism by the way). you have to balance what is best for your child by either carrying on preparing food and doing other things so you know they are done correctly (on behalf of and for your ex) but also you have to decide one day that for your sanity and your childs best interests in the long term, when to make ex take responsibilty and do it himself. a short term pain will often be worth the long term gain.

it is good that you will try to talk tomorrow (today). it is for your ex's own good too. cos unless he is forced to take some responsibilty, his relationship with his child will suffer.

if he has problems with any of it, he should come onto family needs fathers, www.fnf.org.uk he will be told exactly what he needs to do by the many fathers who would do anything for their kids but can't/not allowed to/don't have contact with. the mothers and grand mothers on there can tell him a thing or 2 too grin

undercovercat Sun 31-Aug-08 10:33:13

I dont think you do. Do you tell your x everywhere you are going, where you are taking the kids etc? I certainly dont.
I just nag remind xp that its him ive left the kids with, not anyone else and trust he will keep them safe.

glitterfairy Sun 31-Aug-08 13:30:05

Think your x should be able to do as he likes when your ds is with him but that also means he steps up and actually takes responsibility for food and toys etc. So long as he is safe then as a dad your x should control the time he has himself and I see no reason why you need to know anything.

However this is a trust issue and it may be wise when you talk to him to say so and make sure he knows that your anxiety will ease with time and patience after knowing your ds is safe and happy. Hope the chat goes well.

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