how to face the future?

[sleepylion]

This is my first post.

I'm a single mum. After breaking up from my 10 year relationship I went reckless and got together with a rogue for casual sex. I knew him for 9 years, not very well. When I decided to keep the pregnancy I knew it was a decision to go it alone. There was no chance or point in us staying together. I since gave him a few chances to be in my daughters life, but he's an alcoholic, and is a waste of space the way he bahaves. So I've written him off.

Im on benefits and live abroad, and feel so out on a limb. My daughter is 6 months now. I've been ' soldiering on' all this time. My parents in the uk support me and adore her. But after staying with them for a month and coming back home I feel so alone. I just ended a destructive relationship. It took great courage. And granted, there are quite a few men lining up to be with me. But either they are drinkers too, or I just don't fancy them. I'm scared of the future. Have so far tried to live each day at a time. But feel I'm hitting a wall again. So worried I can't provide for by gorgeous little girl. Scared about her missing out on other affection. No father figures aroud (all male friendships went wrong as they had other intentions).

Am I the only one that feels I'm just not enough for her?? I saw the way she came alive in herself when we stayed with my parents. I feel she needs more than just me. I feel inadequate, and to top it off have a recurrence of a thyroid disease, and just don't have the mental energy for her 24/7. I cant help but feel she deserves more than I can give.

I think I'm in danger of rambling now. It's taken me 6 months so share on this forum, and now it's all pouring out. I just hope someone out there in the dark reads this and can offer some kind of reaction to make me feel less alone. Anything, I just need honesty, not all the right words. Just a voice that can relate to me in some way shape or form.

Thankyou X

[1066andallthat]

Living abroad as a single Mum is hard. Being a single Mum is hard.

Ideas - can your parents visit regularly? Are you skyping them?

Male role-models do pop up in the most unexpected places. Both my boys have loved their male swimming teachers.

Questions - do you have a job you like? Do you like living where you do? Is moving back to the UK a possibility? What help do you have where you are?

Are you good enough? Yes. You are doing your best - you CANNOT do anymore, you cannot control everything, you cannot provide everything.

Bet when you look at her - you smile! Well, that's the most important thing. Worrying - it's normal and can actually be healthy, as in, it may make you think of new things to do or try that might make life easier or better.

Keep posting and welcome - lone parents are a very, very supportive bunch.

[humanbean]

Hi Loula. Sounds like you are lonely. Do you have to stay living abroad? is there no way you can go home and lean on your parents for a while? Don't worry too much about not giving your little one everything you think she needs...the only thing she needs right now is you, her mum. She is not missing out on other affection and you certainly don't need a man around to make anything "right" - either for you or your baby.

Concentrate on your gorgeous daughter and know that she is safe in your hands. Then think carefully about what is going to best for both of you in the long run. It may be coming home. That would not be failing. It might be sensible - short-term perhaps, if you have to return to where you are living.

Others will be along to help soon. Don't despair. x

[treaclepudd]

Hi, don't give up!!
I am sure that every parent feels they are not 'enough' every now or then, single or not...I know i have.
Kids do seem to 'come alive' when anything new or exciting comes their way-what ever that may be. Surely she is too young to notice the difference between female and male, what she needs is you and love and it sounds like you care, or you wouldn't ask!
hang in there and don't be afraid to ask for help from anyone-people are more sympathetic and helpful than you realise. Take care.

[mamalovesmojitos]

hi loula. you poor thing, you sound very disheartened.

first of all well done for posting. second of all well done for leaving your destructive relationship. well done for caring for your daughter alone and well done for being careful on who you choose as a new partner.

you are doing your absolute best and all you are doing is questioning your parenting as you clearly love your dd very much. we all question our parenting as treaclepudd said. i was only questioning mine today!

it is healthy to do this in small amounts but now you need to be confident in the love you are providing her with, and give yourself a break.

fwiw all a child needs is one parent who adores them. unfortunately having a second parent around who is violent/addicted/uncommited can take away all the child's sense of security.

if it's a choice between a great parent, or a great parent in a bad relationship then you've made the right choice. and you never know- your perfect man may come around the corner when you least expect it. .