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Is he right to be angry with me?

(18 Posts)
greeneyedgirl Wed 27-Aug-08 18:04:49

In Jan my Mum and Dad booked a 2 week holiday to the US for our whole family for Nov. I told ex about this (and even wrote the dates down) and he was fine. Yesterday I dropped dd off for the day and he asked for the dates again and I told him. Unfortunately this co-incides with his birthday (yes i will admit it hadn't occurred to me), but I had no choice about the dates. He went a bit funny starting tearing up and saying he had to get used to being a part time Dad etc.

Anyway, I thought no more about it, until I got three texts later, one from him about how much he hated me for hurting him (like I did it on purpose!), the two other texts he forwarded from his friends which basically said I was a bitch and had control/communication issues. Ex said he had forwarded these to me so that i would know what others thought of what I had done to him. In one of the texts they had told him that if he "walked away he would never forgive himself", so just because of me he is considering not seeing his dd, I found that pretty disgusting to read actually. He is already moving away, apparently to break all ties from me, as well as for financial reasons which will mean he will probably only be able to see dd once a month rather than every other weekend.

He is now not talking to me and even made me pick up dd early as "something had come up" (he does this from time to time when he is angry with me). I am really angry with him, one of the reasons for our marriage breakdown was HIS lack of communication and manipulation. He knows that this holiday was not booked on his birthday on purpose, in fact we are back 2 days after the "event".

If the boot was on the other foot I would not mind if she was away for my birthday as I am not really bothered about them these days, as long as i got a card or something before/after they went away. I would never take her away on her birthday or at Christmas as i think that she should see her Dad at those times, but a parents birthday? Have I committed a cardinal sin or do I have a right to be angry about his vileness?

CarGirl Wed 27-Aug-08 18:07:52

how old is your dd?

TBH if she is young enough you just tell them that Daddy's birthday is a different day and celebrate and they're none the wiser.

It wouldn't bother me, I would have thought he'd want to be out with his mates on his birthday anyway????

hecate Wed 27-Aug-08 18:13:11

It is outrageous of him to use his child in this way.

When you told him the dates back in Jan, did he not realise it was his birthday? hmm Anyway, whatever, he is trying to manipulate you. I think the best thing would be to say to him that he should separate his daughter from whatever he may or may not think about you, stop trying to use his child to manipulate you and concentrate on being a good father. His relationship with his child should have NOTHING to do with his feelings towards you. It's childish and spiteful.

However. He is not unreasonable to want to celebrate his birthday with his child. So you could offer to have a celebration when you get back.

ANTagony Wed 27-Aug-08 18:15:46

If he was a women people would say time of the month. Sounds like you've been very reasonable and you should avoid getting into any unnecessary communication with him for a bit. Keep it civil and let him deal with his issues. His sending on text messages is a nonsense. We all say from time to time what we think people want us to here and you don't know the message to which they were replying.

Don't be angry its using up your valuable time that you can be living forward - he's the past.

AlistairSim Wed 27-Aug-08 18:15:57

It's his birthday, right? Not your dd's?

He's a bit immature, isn't he?

greeneyedgirl Wed 27-Aug-08 18:17:00

She is 3, coming up for 4 years. To be honest, that's how I feel about my own birthday. Last year, I must admit I forgot to get him a card from her and felt really terrible afterwards and apologised profusely. He just decided not to get me anything for Christmas from her, so I figured that had made him feel better. I am really angry about how he has blown this out of all proportion.

This is not the first time he has done this, I often get really nasty texts from him when he finds yet another reason that I have ruined hs life. I am sick of it, but i know it probably won't ever stop. I am with someone else now and I am dreading the time he meets dd and I have to tell ex about it. I can't believe I was stupid enough to marry him in the first place.

greeneyedgirl Wed 27-Aug-08 18:20:26

I was planning to bring back something nice from America for him from DD as she absolutely loves celebrating birthdays (anyones lol), and I will make sure she makes a big fuss over him.

greeneyedgirl Wed 27-Aug-08 18:21:56

So I am not a selfish witch then? I hoped I wasn't.

AlistairSim Wed 27-Aug-08 21:09:09

No.
Of course not!

What is he expecting you to do? Not take your dd on holiday?

Also, his friends are bound to be on his "side", so they will not be impartial or worth listening to. Forwarding those texts to you is just unpleasant.

greeneyedgirl Thu 28-Aug-08 16:01:41

I have decided that there will be no more contact between my ex and myself unless it involves my dd. I did think about asking him if he wanted me to cancel the holiday, just to see what his reaction was, but to be honest I am just too sick of him to give a shit. His behaviour just shows that that only person he is concerned with is himself and although he pretends that he does everything for dd's benefit, it's blatently obvious that he doesn't.

Thanks for all your opinions, I feel a bit better now.

CuckooSplodgeandTubs Thu 28-Aug-08 16:04:58

My x tries to manipulate my emotions like this, even when I know I haven't done anything wrong.

He'll have more birthdays, and maybe next year he'll take the initiative sooner rather than later and plan something for his birthday.

In the meantime, please, please enjoy your holiday. I'm sure you know that your x would have taken the holiday all things being equal.

Your Daughter will enjoy the holiday. SHE won't know it's her Dad's birthday. He's just wallowing.

dittany Thu 28-Aug-08 16:14:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

combustiblelemon Thu 28-Aug-08 16:22:55

I really can't imagine how you tore yourself away from such a gem. He's being vile, and it sounds like he's a lot more interested in using this to get at you than he is about not seeing his DD on his birthday. Getting you to pick her up early 'because something came up' sounds like sheer petulance.

ThatBigGermanPrison Thu 28-Aug-08 16:31:54

10 to 1 he doesn't give a shit about his birthday. He just felt like justifying his moving away. Perhaps someone has said "Why are you moving away from your child?" and he needs (in his head) to be able to say "Oh, The Bitch never let me see her, didn't even let me see her on my birthday, booked a holiday on purpose"

LazyLinePainterJane Thu 28-Aug-08 16:36:50

So it's his birthday? Well, big fucking deal! Tell him to stop being such a baby, he can celebrate with his DD another day.

CuckooSplodgeandTubs Thu 28-Aug-08 16:41:42

The manipulation doesn't stop when the relationship ends!!

fransmom Thu 28-Aug-08 16:42:51

oh sweetheart, he sounds just like x. maybe you could get another sim card for when he does see your dd? i did this and showed the police all his texts and he ended up getting arrested for harrassment. this has stopped him sending nasty text messages as he knows that i won't take his crap anymore. i did, however, had to have a good backbone for the inevitable backlash for when his family found out but i hadn't stopped them from seeing dd, i just wanted the crap to stop.

fwiw i also think he is being a big baby - he will act like this because he knows it bothers you- he is basically a small minded childish bully. go on the holiday, take dd and enjoy yourself.

Tinkerbel6 Thu 28-Aug-08 17:25:01

greeneyedgirl maybe you should show him the responses on here grin what a selfish man not to put his daughter's needs before himself, I would stop the present buying as all you are doing is rewarding bad behaviou, save your money and spend it on your daughter instead.

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