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Does ex not seeing kids bother you?

(8 Posts)
Daisy79 Wed 27-Aug-08 16:53:46

Hi, I split from dh about 6 weeks ago. Dh is in forces and was away for 4 months before we split he saw kids the weekend he came home(and we split up) he has seen them twice since. He doesnt ring to speak to them, although that is probably because they dont speak a lot on phone anyway (5 & 3 yr olds)It upsets me that he doesnt seem to give a sh*#t about seeing them or even speaking to them, it's bothering me more and more! He is living 250 miles away at his dad's(his choice) and moves even further away beginning of next month with work but will be in uk until xmas. I dont want to keep asking him when he is going to see them, i did that via text the other day and all i got was "I'll be in touch" wtf!! Should I just leave it and bite my tongue, or tell him he needs to see them as it's not fair on them?

fransmom Wed 27-Aug-08 17:26:19

(((((((((((daisy)))))))))
could you see solicitor with a view to formailsing contact, even tho he in forces?

whether or not he is in uk, he should at least call them. i don't think it's unreasoanble for you to think that he should call them.

Fluffybubble Wed 27-Aug-08 20:05:55

Am sorry things are hard at the moment. It sounds like your (ex)dh is used to being away and not speaking to the dc. To move far away out of choice is not ideal, especially if he doesn't have long left here before he goes away again.

It's early days and I don't know the circumstances of your break up but if this is going to be a long-term/final split then it isn't unreasonable to expect some clarification about contact. Both you and the dc need to know where you stand. Can you write to him to explain that you need to be able to tell the dc when they will next be seeing / hearing from him. You could also say that you need to make things more formal.

Ultimately, if he's not going to make an effort then he needs to tell you. If that is the case then it is so sad for the dc, but it will be his loss. It is natural to be upset and angry for your dc, but he is responsible for his own actions, and you cannot force him to be a more involved father sad.

My ex has reduced contact quite dramatically, and I am really hurt on behalf of my ds. From my point of view, though, it is easier to see less of him, and I have to bear in mind that my ds isn't actually upset by this (as he doesn't know much different).

Maybe send the letter and see what response you get. Like fransmom says, you can always see a solicitor (they will write a letter on your behalf) but this may be better left as a last resort (expensive and stressful!).

Things will get better!

MUMDONEGOOD Wed 27-Aug-08 20:12:07

Sorry to hear this. I'm going through the same thing with ex of seven years. DD misses him dreadfully but if like you I text I will only get a brush off. Best to wait a while, maybe they need time, if you keep bothering him it may take longer for him to be in touch. Last time my ex took a year before contact, but dd is older now, I just think you cant rock the boat. I may be wrong.

Daisy79 Wed 27-Aug-08 21:45:55

thanks eveyone for your replies, I know it is his decision to make the effort it's just so hard. I think it has bothered me more because I know he is on leave at the moment, not working and still hasnt taken the time to ask to speak to them. I dont expect him to be able to see them often cos of costs in travelling etc. and he is still paying bills etc so i dont want to rock the boat too much but it still hurts for them sad

MUMDONEGOOD Wed 27-Aug-08 21:48:38

I know it breaks your heart seeing the darlings, my dd cries everytime she sees something that reminds her of her dad. His mum is coming tomorrow so I'm hoping dd will be better after visit you never know. Could you do the same? Could grandparents visit.

Daisy79 Wed 27-Aug-08 22:23:04

No, I've never met his mum(bad childhood) i have spoken to his dad but ex h is living with him 250 miles away. Luckily i have my mum nearby so dont feel they miss out in that way. It's weird really cos the kids arent upset because they are so used to him not being home, so they havent asked about hi at all. He didnt know his dad until he was 16 so he should know how it feels, and understand he needs to make the effort, but i know i cant make him.

fransmom Thu 28-Aug-08 16:26:24

hi (((((((((((((((((((daisy)))))))))))))))

i understand about the effort thing sad sometimes when x is off work he doesn't bother to phone and see if dd wants to see him, i have to ring him. and when dd is upset i let her ring him knowing full well that he won't answer in case it's me - she has to leave a message and by the time he does ring she's feeling a lot better.

as for the solicitor thing, if you are on a low income or no income you can apply for what used to be called "legal aid". most solicitors will also have a free first appointment.

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