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Exp's gf/ow just bought dd her first pair of shoes. I'm fuming, should I be?

(68 Posts)
pinguthepenguin Tue 26-Aug-08 19:47:16

I try to be amicable with both of them- we are on speaking terms, dd spends alot of time there- about a third of her time, and gf even looks after dd when exp is at work. I feel so upset thoughm because I was really looking forward to it- even have a voucher for the shop I wanted to buy them in- and exp knew that. I asked him why I was left out of something like that- and he said he didn't even know gf was going to do it- it was 'spur of the moment' etc.

I sent her a text, politely asking her if to remember that while I appreciate the time she spends with DD, I am her mummy, and as suchm deserve to be involved in such little milestones, and would she please run things past me if she isnt sure in the future.

Did I do the right thing or have I over reacted? I always feel so unnerved every time I have a disagreement with them- I rely on them alot- but at the same always feel worried that they are trying to push me out of the picture.

pinguthepenguin Tue 26-Aug-08 19:49:06

sorry, I posted this twice by accident

x

pinkspottywellies Tue 26-Aug-08 19:51:19

I think you're absolutely right to be upset although perhaps she didn't realise that it is a particular milestone. Does she have children of her own?

It's great that you can be amicable with them - I really admire that - but you mustn't feel that you can't ever disagree. I can see it must be unnerving though!

moondog Tue 26-Aug-08 19:52:25

I think it was nice of her.
You'd be more upset if she ewasn't being looked after properly.

msdemeanor Tue 26-Aug-08 19:52:29

Oh, I can hear that you are sad, but really it's only footwear. Buy her another pair. Two pairs of shoes isn't too much for a girl!
She won't love you less for having two pairs and you will have just as much fun buying shoes with her. It's the first pair of shoes YOU have bought for her, and that's sweet. And there is more than one 'first pair' you know. I personally considered the 'first pair' to be the proper Start-rite red mary-janes I bought dd when she was really walking, not the soft just-walking shoes she had before that. I framed the Start-rites!

BroccoliSpears Tue 26-Aug-08 19:55:31

I'm not convinced buying a pair of shoes is a milestone, is it? How about first pair of trousers? First winter coat?

I am sorry you feel upset about it, but I think if Ex's gf did it to be kind rather than antagonistic, you just have to accept that when your little girl spends one third of her time with someone else, they get to do things with her too.

Janni Tue 26-Aug-08 20:01:56

I think you would only really appreciate this 'milestone' if you were a mother, so I think you are being a tad harsh towards the gf. She sounds like she cares about your little one. No one can ever push you out of the picture - you are the mother. You are irreplaceable and you need to really believe that.

abouteve Tue 26-Aug-08 20:04:08

I also think it was nice of her. At least she seems to care about your DD. She wasn't intending to push you out of something important. You can also buy her a pair.

You are obviously put out and have expressed this. I hope it hasn't put her off treating DD in future and that she may understand and run things past you then everyone is happy.

It sounds as though it is worth keeping amicable with them for everyone involved. I do understand how you feel though. smile x

Flier Tue 26-Aug-08 20:06:56

While I think it was a nice, well intentioned thing for her to have done, she possibly didn't realise the significance of it to you.

I think you were right to let her know how much you were upset about it, though.

beansprout Tue 26-Aug-08 20:07:59

I understand why you are upset. I would have been. She should have checked with you first.

ajandjjmum Tue 26-Aug-08 20:12:34

I think it is a milestone, and I would have been upset.

kara0811 Tue 26-Aug-08 20:13:25

I would have been upset too. I agree that first pair of shoes is an important milestone.

I think you dealt with it in the right way though - you were polite and nice about it. If you hadn't have said anything, you probably would have dwelt on it, and it would have become a bigger issue.

Don't feel bad or guilty - you have done nothing wrong.

pinguthepenguin Tue 26-Aug-08 20:14:01

She does have a child of her own- so wouldn't she have realised? I thought that buying a first pair of shoes was definitely a little milestone- I certainly wouldn't dream of taking my bf's child to a shop and doing that- taking photos etc.

That said though...more people on here than not think I've over-reacted and ow I'm worried I've been unkind. Do you think I should apologise? I wasn't rude in the text or anything, but was certainly firm.

oh no!

andyrobo237 Tue 26-Aug-08 20:17:22

I can understand why you are uspet, but maybe a little over-reacting.

I would go and buy the shoes I wanted for DD and not use the other ones when she is with you. She can wear the other ones when she spends time with them - if it upsets you too much. That way, everyone is happy. I can see that the GF may feel hurt by your comments, but you do need to keep them on side, especially if you rely on them so much.

Try to put it to the back of your mind as the resentment will just breed and explode at some point in the future. I would assume that she has bought your DD some clothes in the past which may not have been your style, which you may have not put on her, perhaps. Just focus on the fact that they are only a pair of shoes - your DD will not care - all she wants is people around her that love and care for her.

islandofsodor Tue 26-Aug-08 20:18:57

I would be upset. The first pair of shoes is a milestone otherwise why would Clarks etc shops take photos and give certificates.

To be honest if it was me I would have gone even further and returned the shoes, they can always keep them for her to wear when she is with them.

abouteve Tue 26-Aug-08 20:20:18

Not sure about a full blown apology but perhaps don't make a fuss now and mention it next time you speak. e.g. 'hope you don't think I was being narky etc but I was looking forward etc'

pinguthepenguin Tue 26-Aug-08 20:23:23

I wouln't return the shoes as I think that'd be inflammatory. I also think it'd be wasteful not to wear the shoes. She hasn't ever really bought anything for DD in the past- she has only been with exp for less than a year ( she was the ow)so I guess thats why I was so shocked.

Do any of you think I should ect again to say that I realise it was a nice thing to do?

I'm feeling a bit bad now, especially sice I only 'made up' with her less than a month ago.

abouteve Tue 26-Aug-08 20:23:27

Oh, just realised about the photos, hmm maybe she should have been a little more sensitive.

I obviously bought DD's first pair from poundstretchers Clarkes pre photos.

Fluffybubble Tue 26-Aug-08 20:24:54

I think it is a milestone too. I wouldn't apologise, as there will be other milestones along the way and you have now made your feelings clear. You weren't rude, and it may be that the gf did not anticipate that it would be an issue, but at least this way you are all clear where you stand, for future reference smile.

ThatBigGermanPrison Tue 26-Aug-08 20:29:10

kNOWING YOUR HISTORY WITH THIS WOMAN, pINGU, i (oops) think you are being remarkably restrained. I think she DOES need to be subtly reminded that you are your daughter's mother, and will not be gradually sidelined until she has her two plus four.

I don't think I could bring myself to use the shoes - I would go into Clarks, explain the whole situation (shop staff love a good gossip) and ask them if they could please treat the shoes you buy as her first pair.

yes it's petty and rather pointless, but it would make me feel a great deal better. It is not right that they have that first photo of your daughter's first shoes, for which neither of her parents were involved.

abouteve Tue 26-Aug-08 20:29:32

Don't feel bad. IMO its not worth falling out over and just mention it in passing. There are boundaries and maybe she will understand this now you've shown that you are upset. FWIW I think you sound very fair seeing as she must have upset you initially.

Guess that's an understatement, right? smile.

It's still a huge adjustment for you.

spicemonster Tue 26-Aug-08 20:39:12

I think your text was very restrained. Of course you are upset! FWIW I was the other woman once (although my partner had left his wife before we met). At that point I didn't have any children of my own and yet I wouldn't have DREAMED of buying his kids their first pair of shoes. Or indeed any shoes actually. T-shirts/fleeces/cars, fine. Major purchases (coats and shoes etc) no way. I was not the parent. Not my place.

Boundaries I think!

clouded Tue 26-Aug-08 20:39:35

I agree with TBGP, Pingu.I think she did not do it to be nice, but to undermine your role. Your text was very restrained. Do not apologise.
Hope the hols have gone well with DD.

Saturn74 Tue 26-Aug-08 20:45:24

I would have been upset too, pingu.
Buying the first pair of shoes is a milestone.
I think your text was fair, and hopefully she will be more considerate of your feelings in the future.

pinguthepenguin Tue 26-Aug-08 20:56:32

Yes there was dreadful bad feeling between us, but apart from one inital shouting match- I bowed out rather gracefully (she might disagree with that) and never spoke to her again until very recently. I didn't actually have cause to, as I rarely saw her, and still don't.
Some of you on here know my story and you're very kind to come and placate me every few monthsblush. It is most certainly the biggest thing I've ever had to adjust to in my life- and I'm still not there yet.
It's funny really- because the thing I most struggle with after this little incidences, is how unnerved/anxious I'm left feeling after they happen. It drives my mum mad because she interprets it as some kind of 'control' that he has over me still. To be honest though, I think what I'm constantly battling with is the notion that they will try to get full or joint custody of my daughter and it will be granted because she spends a third of her time there anyway. These little things amke me believe its only a matter of time before they make their move.sad

go on....tell me I've lost the plot entirely.

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