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husband having affair, is it worth considering letting him come back?

(4 Posts)
greenandpleasant Sun 24-Aug-08 20:05:46

My friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. Don't want to put too much detail but they have one child who is still very young and the affair has been going for a few months. She's chucked him out, not sure what will happen next.

My question is, do you think it would be worth suggesting that she doesn't act too hastily to end the relationship, assuming that keeping it going is an option? My experience as a lone parent is very different (widowed) so all I know is how bloody hard it is to do the parenting thing solo and so while I hate and despise the bastard for doing this to her I am tempted to suggest that she considers taking him back (usual conditions of renewed faithfulness apply of course). Before I had children myself I would probably have said chuck him out and don't let him back as he won't change etc etc. I still take that line in my heart but the thought of her having to do this alone, cope with all of the stress that comes with divorce, access, maintenance etc means my head is saying I should try to get her to see both sides. Just don't know and thought some views from people who've been there already might help please.

gillybean2 Sun 24-Aug-08 20:41:40

Councelling would be a start to see if they both want to try and if there is any point in trying really.

Also she wouldn't necessarily be doing it on her own. She could insist he takes his fair share of responsibility and have a shared care arrangement. She might not want this of course.

Yes being on your own is tough, I too wouldn't wish this on anyone and would tell anyone looking to split up to really look at what is wrong and try and fix it if at all possible. The grass really isn't greener on the other side. But at the same time loss of trust and all that comes with it might mean that they simply can't fix it and she could well be better of on her own and to have a chance of finding a man she can love and trust and who loves her too and not spending the rest of her life doubting, questioning and wondering every time he is 5 minutes late home.

IME if someone strays once they will do it again, and again....

ShyBaby Sun 24-Aug-08 20:51:57

I dont know about their relationship. But..I would never encourage a friend to stay with someone just because its bloody hard being a single parent.

It is hard, but easier, imo than being with someone you can never trust and who treats you like something they stepped in.

nooka Sun 24-Aug-08 20:56:24

I think you just have to support her in whatever way you can, and let her make her own decisions in her own time. I do think counseling can really help, whether this is just for her, or for the two of them together. My dh had an affair and we are still together, and going strong, but it took a few years of pain before we were able to rebuild, including two years of living in two houses with a shared care arrangement.

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