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OK.. Advice on this one please...

(25 Posts)
dashboardconfessionals Fri 22-Aug-08 10:08:07

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FAQ Fri 22-Aug-08 10:13:49

I'd put your foot down on the packing thing - ex used to unpack every bag I'd pack for my 3 DS's and check - now I run through the list in about 10 seconds and he doesn't check - just told him it wasn't fair on the DS's to be waiting around for him to check stuff when they were raring to go and spend time with him. He still asks "have they got x,y,z" but I put my foot down told him that he couldn't keep checking them.

On the supplying stuff - I have no answer for that - I still send everything (except food) for the DS's.

Tinkerbel6 Fri 22-Aug-08 12:37:50

dashboard sounds like your ex is being awkward for the sake of it, is he looking after his own child or does he see it as babysitting ? what would happen if you handed your son over to him with just the basics wink sounds like he needs to grow up a bit so put your foot down

ThatBigGermanPrison Fri 22-Aug-08 12:46:49

He cannot have it both ways. He cannot leave all the buying, sorting and arranging to you then pick the bits he likes himself. If he has specific wants and needs, he should be meeting them himself - if not, he should accept that you have packed an adequate bag.

Just because you have made your house available to him on a Wednesday does not mean it is available to him at all times. That's like reasoning that you have the right to wander into anyone's house because you have been there before.

Actually, I am quite prepared to see him hanged for saying "I prefer the motherload to lie with you"


ThatBigGermanPrison Fri 22-Aug-08 12:47:54

I personally would simply refuse point blank to let him in on a Friday, hand over the bag (packed with the things he usually packs, don't get into nappies wipes and milk just yet) - hand him the bag, the child, and shut the door.

titchy Fri 22-Aug-08 13:03:01

If his maintenance payments are reduced because he has ds overnight (which I assume they are as he pays 15 and not 20%) then he should be buying basics like nappies, formula etc.

dashboardconfessionals Fri 22-Aug-08 13:17:53

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ThatBigGermanPrison Fri 22-Aug-08 13:19:47

He doesn't have to accept it, he's not your husband and you don't have to please him. Change it and let him deal with it.

dashboardconfessionals Fri 22-Aug-08 13:20:59

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dashboardconfessionals Fri 22-Aug-08 13:24:17

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FAQ Fri 22-Aug-08 13:26:46

I thought Exh would be a pain in the arse about it when I put my foot down - but I laid down the new rules and he accepted them!

ThatBigGermanPrison Fri 22-Aug-08 13:47:32

He can't make life difficult for you if you don't roll overt and let him. Don't let him brow beat you, you don't have to talk to him or allow him to talk to you if you don't want to. Just shut the door and switch your phone off. I am assuming you've never been silly with access.

dashboardconfessionals Fri 22-Aug-08 13:51:11

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ThatBigGermanPrison Fri 22-Aug-08 15:35:27

It's because you can't go to his house, and wander round rooting through drawers. That's why it bugs you. I'd go batshit. Just don't allow it.

prettyfly1 Fri 22-Aug-08 15:40:24

right.explain nicely that you dont appreciate him wandering around the house. then tell him you would like to sit with him and sort out a list of things he should be going with which you will pack and he will take. end of. then refuse to put food or nappies in it. tight arsed git. sorry but really!

TheUnsinkableMB Fri 22-Aug-08 15:46:21

My ex was giving me the full amount of maintenance the csa told him to, but when he started having dd overnight (even for just one night) he was entitled to give me less maintenance money because obviously he was now having to pay towards dd's food, clothing, nappies etc when he had her at the weekend.

So unless your ex is still giving you the full amount, then he should be paying for his own stuff.

And whats with taking the duvet?
I don't think you're obliged to provide everything for him.

LittleBella Fri 22-Aug-08 15:46:52

You don't even have to let him in your house.

He's clearly a twunt.

dashboardconfessionals Fri 22-Aug-08 16:19:48

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misi Fri 22-Aug-08 23:39:42

dashboardconfessionals, he could be a control freak that is unable to cope with this situation and actually lacks self confidence which is why he needs routine/control (classic psych profile). many controlling natures need routine and stability to gain their personal control. his way of being in control of this is for him to accept that you know what you are doing and have everything there, and he then takes what he feels is necessary for the weekend from you but over indulges to be on the safe side which fits in with the lack of confidence trait. at 21 months your son is still a new quantity for him I imagine and he can only cope by doing what he does.
the best way for you to solve this, is to stop it and tell him what he will now do.
pre empt him by writing your own pre printed list of everything he will need for his home to take care of your son and that you will not supply anything anymore unless it is something prescribed by a GP (meds I mean) or it is something that is precious to your son and only that will do (teddys etc). if he is confronted about this, his defence mechanism may well be to say he will make life difficult for you, but again, I suspect this is his way of being able to cope by threatening something he cannot do but probably thinks that you will kow tow to if this is what you did when together. he has not moved on from the relationship roles you had when together, you have, it is time he now did so as well. I have shared res of my son, so he has 2 homes and 2 of everything else like clothes toys etc and this is the best way for a child to recognise it has 2 parents. when your son is older, he will soon realise that mummy is his parent and daddy is really just a babysitter as he gets everything from mummy. this is not good for the child as it takes away one parent, try to explain this but if he still refuses, tell him to get online to families needs fathers as there are many fathers on there that will tell him where to go over his actions you describe and will happily tell him what he needs to do.

if all else fails, get the bag ready by the door, give it to him when he arrives and refuse entry to your house. he will more than likely be confused by this as it means he has lost his control but stand firm and don't give in as you have been doing, if it helps, have someone in the house with you for the first few times till it sinks in with him for support. as middle aged woman with little direct connection to you is best (don't ask why, that seems to be the accepted profile for this role!!)

15% of net pay is standard (for now but changes soon) for 1 child. if the non res parent has up to 52 nights contact per year then there is no reduction, between 53 and 103, there is a 1/7th reduction, 104 to 156, 2/7ths reduction with a max reduction of 50% for 50-50 shared care (if mum has CB book then she will get 50% of the 15% net pay even if both parents have 50% of the care).
under the new C-Mec rules, the payments will be 12% of gross pay with a possibility of less or no reductions for over night contact.

nappyaddict Sat 23-Aug-08 00:32:57

if he is paying 15% he isn't getting a reduction - so that is probably why he feels he shouldn't have to buy nappies and milk etc.

RambleOn Sat 23-Aug-08 02:04:32

Even if he isn't buying these things himself, there is surely no need to be carting it all around in bags all the time. (And for you to be packing and unpacking it all the time)

Surely it would be easier for everyone concerned if the things your son needs are already at his house.

Out of interest, where does he sleep. Has he bought a bed for him?

I'm not quite at this stage yet, as my exP and I still live exist in the same house. But I can see that I'll be having problems along these lines in the future.

gillybean2 Sat 23-Aug-08 10:42:00

I would say that you want to avoid a confrontation in front of your child, so make sure he is aware of the new arrangement before he gets there. Send him an email or letter saying that you are unable to allow him into the house on fridays in future as it is too stressful for yourself and your ds does not need to wait.

You might want to add you feel the behaviour is controlling and is confusing for your ds. Or you might want to miss that bit out at this point to avoid confrontation at this point and use it when he argues about it.

Tell him that he is to pick up ds and bag from the front door and simply go. You will have bag and ds ready at x time and here is a list of everything that will be in the bag. Then put a list of items you will include.

Also make a separate list of things you suggest he should have at his own house and that aren't necessary for you to send backwards and forwards, eg bedding, toothbrush & paste, thermometer, calpol, toys.. and ask that he makes arrangements to have his own ones available within 1 month as you will no longer be sending those items. As a parent he should be meeting his responsibilities and not relying on you when it is his time with ds.

He is likely to argue but you have to stick to your guns. If he refuses and barges his way in then come back for more advice. It will be perfectly easy for you to be at the neighbours or elsewhere for collection next time in future so he can't get in your house.

dashboardconfessionals Sat 23-Aug-08 13:06:44

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Pinkchampagne Sat 23-Aug-08 13:17:34

My children are older than your DS (5&9), and ex H has a supply of clothes at his house for them, which I provided. He tells me if he is getting low on anything, and I provide it, but he wouldn't insist on packing a bag everytime he had them. It would be an extra hassle for him for starters!
DS2 still wears pull ups for bed, and ex H buys his own supply of these. He also provides all their food while they are with him.

I couldn't be done with packing bags everytime they stayed at their dad's house!

bulmersgirl Sat 23-Aug-08 18:03:27

tell him he can't have it all ways. he either lets you pack the bag or he has a supply of his own stuff at his house.

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