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how do i tell dd daddy's gone!

(26 Posts)
juliec26 Mon 18-Aug-08 09:27:06

my h has left and moved out and I have a 2.5 yr old dd who keeps asking me where her daddy is and when will he be home - I feel I cant keep saying he is at work?? any advice please??

forevercleaning Mon 18-Aug-08 09:41:30

hi julie - are you the one who had the probs a few weeks back but were going off to spain in the hope of sorting things out?

Rachmumoftwo Mon 18-Aug-08 09:43:48

Hugs for you at this hard time. x

Children are tough and often the truth is a relief when they are feeling confused and upset and don't know why.

Is he still going to see her? If he is, it is easier to explain that you both love her but don't want to be married anymore, and that she will still see him lots.

If he is being an arse and not planning on seeing her, that is harder, and I'm not sure what I'd say.

This must be incredibly hard for you, do you have a good RL support network?

juliec26 Mon 18-Aug-08 09:46:18

yes thats me!! he decided whilst on holiday that he wasn't happy ...so much for making a fresh start - I am hurt and angry that I allowed him to share a holiday with us and he ruined it! We got back saturday and he moved out yesterday! just keep crying and can't understand that at our counselling session last week he said he did want to be a family, fancied me etc and now says he feels nothing for me - my dd keeps asking where he is and I just feel I can't keep saying he is at work as it breaks my heart each time she asks me! x

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 18-Aug-08 09:47:35

tbh I think he should step up and you should both talk to DD about it - and both tell her that you love her, but sometimes mummys and daddys don't always like each other so have to live seperatly, but you still love her, and nothing will change that.

my ds is 2.5 and i'm pretty sure he'd understand that, (we split up when he was 18 months thou so he's never asked/we've not had to have this talk with him.)

juliec26 Mon 18-Aug-08 09:49:07

He doesn't seem bothered to not see her - he admitted at counselling he loves his business more than me and my dd - I am VERY lucky to have the best friends and family anyone could ask for who are doing their best to keep my mind off him, but just so hard - I just want to stop that horrid feeling of hurt and stop crying before I run out of tears! x

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 18-Aug-08 09:51:59

shock i'm sorry but what a bastard to say that about his own child.

forevercleaning Mon 18-Aug-08 09:54:19

oh julie so sorry it didnt work out sad.

I'm with spandex on this one as it should not be down to you to explain to your daughter where her daddy is. He hs made the decision to leave, not you, he needs to act like a proper father and tell her how much he loves her and that he will still see her all the time.

Poor you, he sounds like he doesn't have a clue what he wants and i think this is the 3rd time he has left isn't it? Well let him go, you will of course feel devastated, as it was not the life you planned for your child, but you will move on and be happy again.

There are plenty of lone parents on here to give you support and hopefully you have good friends and family to see you through.

Don't be taken in when he wants to try again, as it looks like he flits in and out when he feels like it. A good break is what's required for you both to get your heads around what has happened before you look at what you really want from all of this.

keep posting x

juliec26 Mon 18-Aug-08 09:56:08

tell me about it!! told him that his business wont be there christmas day, birthdays and god forbid he ever got seriously ill - trying to find that anger!!! (angry)

forevercleaning Mon 18-Aug-08 09:56:18

soz just read, the bit about his business being more important than his DD.

Best off without someone like that - how unbelievably cruel sad.

juliec26 Mon 18-Aug-08 09:59:46

thanks fc - kindness of strangers is the most touching thing! and yes the 3rd time in 6 weeks that he has left so your right he can not come back! for a long time and that is if I still want him! just feel that I could of used that holiday to relax and start a fresh on my own and feel angry that for his own selfish reasons he came! - off to take dd out now, but will post later on! thanks for all your support god knows I need it! xx

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 18-Aug-08 10:13:12

you'll be fine julie - honestly it's hard work, but you will find the strength you need to carry on for your DD.

MN is all here the LP boards has a good bunch on there!

juliec26 Mon 18-Aug-08 19:10:58

he has made no contact today and although I asked him not too I sort of feel that he should off - just feel numb I guess - DD is playing up and I am already missing adult conversation and tonight is my first night on my own as have been at my mums - dd is now in bed and it has sort of hit me this is it! just me! x

forevercleaning Mon 18-Aug-08 19:12:50

sad will stick around here and there will be plenty of chit chat going on and you wont feel alone.

Thats the great thing about MN you can always find something to chat about on here.

What have you been up to today?

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 18-Aug-08 19:17:23

me to - am usually around, althou trying to fix mums computer - tbh you get used to it - takes a while but it gets easier - like everything! lol.

how has your day been?

(the chat bunch of girls are also nice - there's usally a bar thread as well if you fancy a virtual tipple!)

juliec26 Mon 18-Aug-08 19:32:28

today has been hard took my dd to a soft play centre she seemed so happy which cheered me up, but feel so tired - a friend popped over for tea (answer to everything ha ha) this afternoon with her two dd;s - just a struggle at the moment - wondering where h is? what he is doing etc!! just had to tell a friend of mine who has just left in floods of tears.. strange but I couldn't cry - all tears dried out maybe!!! she is saying she is coming to stay the night, but I sort of feel that I need t o be on my own! x

forevercleaning Mon 18-Aug-08 19:44:33

if you don't want your friend over this evening, then just say you feel you need time alone.

Try not to think about where dh is, i know its hard but it is just all the more upsetting.

Is DD asleep now?

juliec26 Mon 18-Aug-08 20:17:15

think dd is asleep now - just managed to eat something and have got that much needed glass of wine now - trying to get lost in tv and not let my imagination run away with me x

forevercleaning Mon 18-Aug-08 20:24:36

right - think of the positives of having the evening to yourself

1. you choose what to watch on tv

2. You choose if you want to spend the evening on MN

3. You choose if you want to stuff choc and drink wine without having to share it

4. You choose when you turn out the bedroom light

5. You do not have to fight to get your half of the duvet and end up with a freezing cold back cos he has wrapped it round himself!smile

see it's really not so bad after all when you look at it from another angle.

That should get you through this evening and we are all here if it doesn't work x

juliec26 Mon 18-Aug-08 20:37:32

Soo right this has made me smile!! I feeling much better after reading that as your right - Few things I have thought off: -

1. I can take down bansky artwork that I don't like (and sell it on ebay!!! )

2. I can decorate the house exactly how I want

3. Yes - Can watch what I want on TV

4. No one to annoy me with his laziness

5. No more shirts to iron!!

6. No more having to watch him texting/email on the bloody blackberry

7. Don't have to cook, clean if I don't want too!

I am sire there are hundreds more!! LOL!!

Thank you FC X

forevercleaning Mon 18-Aug-08 20:42:02

and did he have any absolutely cringe making habits? you know picking at toenails, leaving socks on the floor, slurping his drinks or eating with a slapping noise, oh yes, gone gone gone

enjoy the peace x

juliec26 Mon 18-Aug-08 21:16:05

oh yes picked his toenails and left them all over the floor and bite his nails - peace and quiet! x

Jane1979 Tue 19-Aug-08 08:24:31

Hi Julie,

My DS was 2.4 when his daddy moved out, I said that daddy had got a new house now, which he could visit and keep some of his new toys there, this seemed to work with him, that was 8 months ago, and he seems to be doing ok, he does see his dad about 3/4 times a week for a few hours or so, then a bit longer at the weekend. I think that does help because when he asks for him i can say, you'll see him tomorrow, and he accepts this. It's when xp finds something better to do and lets him down, which is hard because then you've got to find activities that will take there mind of it....

Men are such shits!!!!!!!!!!!

juliec26 Tue 19-Aug-08 09:12:30

good idea - funny but she actually hasn't asked where he is at all today and usually when she wakes up she wants him?? - first night on my own last night typical went to bed and was confronted by huge spider - was brave and got rid of it - finally feel asleep and then got woken up at 2am ish by smoke alarm going off - frightened me half to death and then struggled to get back to sleep - god knows why it went off but had to go downstairs and check whole house = H has text me this morning saying "hope your both ok xxx" in a way wish he hadn't as it just upset me! have not decided what to do about him seeing my dd - he has openly admitted he loves his work more than both of us! so at the moment i have told him to stay away until I am ready to contact him!

your right men are shits!!! - have no bloody idea what mess they leave behind and how us women have to just get on with it!

juliec26 Wed 20-Aug-08 11:18:43

Need some advice H has been texting asking to see dd - says i am not being fair by asking for time to come to terms with the fact he left me! and that I am being damaging to dd if I don't let him see her! I am scared he will get nasty with me and stop money to us if I don't let him see her, but it has only been 3 days and I don't feel ready to face it, plus I have to answers the questions from dd about why daddy has gone?? Any ideas - have no idea what to do???

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