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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Anyone want to come and talk to me about when the ex gets a new GF?

21 replies

used2bthin · 17/08/2008 13:05

I've waited over a year for him to meet someone in the hope he would stop putting guilt trips on me about us not being together. Well he has but I am getting wound up with this now, I've kept up regular contact with his family, dinner once a week with him there too because he liked to be with dd on a sunday and now it will be "more difficult" because he wants to be with her on sundays.I don't mind the not going so much as the fact that the world has to revolve around him!

This is not the first one he's had since we split and I know from experience that if I'm not careful and they split up, it'll all go back to me taking dd to his each week, him visiting everyday etc. Oh and the worst is she lives down the road from me so its convenient for him and I'll be bumping in to him etc. Shall I stop moaning now? Are they always so annoying?

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fransmom · 17/08/2008 16:09

((((((((((((((((((used))))))))))))))))
yes they are. i have been split from x about the same time (maybe a little less) and he is still annoying little t**t person. i still have to tell him about things that shoul dbe basic common sense, when i was out the other day with dd, we saw a driver using his phone whil ehe was driving. the first thing she said was? daddy does that.so i laid the law down and said that if he can't br responsible then he will only see her through a contact centre.

can i ask why you have to take dd to his each week? ifhe wants to see her, he can make the effort, maybe it might be idea to keep a contatc diary etc. if you can be stronger sweetheart, he might realise that your world no longer revolves around him, which is why i have limited contact with his family now.

how old is your dd?

used2bthin · 17/08/2008 20:37

Hi Fransmom she is 22months which is why we sort of kept the habit going of us going to them on a sunday(he lives with his mum). I always got on well with his mum and things are mainly amicable between us so it hasn't been too bad although I must admit I am terrible for going along with him for an easy life, as is his mum. Now that dd is a bit older he is beginning to have her on his own a bit more but I find the worry of it hard as she has a genetic condition and needs quite a bit of monitering. He is mainly ok and loves her enough to be sensible with her I am sure but he's not the most reliable of people so I do worry!

How old is your dd?How are you getting on with being a single parent? I mostly like it but am lucky to have my parents just up the road and know lots of other mums including two single ones. I am beginning to think at some point I MIGHT brave another relationship but only might and its quite a recent thing.

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fransmom · 18/08/2008 13:32

hi

dd is 3 and will be going to nursery soon, xp's aren't generally known for their reliability and i think thats why most of them are x's tho i too am an ex so quite alarge number a re very reliable and wonder why we got mixed up in the first place.

i find being a single parent quite hard, very responsible but very rewarding - dd and i are much closer as a result. i don't have my own family locally tho i do have a couple of friend sbut don't know any sp's locally unfortuntately - most of the people i know are coupled up and with their own families but saying that i have been to a party at the weekend and they were lovely, introduced me to nearly everyone there and kept making sure i wa sok

it's a shame your x doesn't seem to making more of an effort to see her without you having to take her to hi moms please don't take it thw wrong way tho((((((())))))) i also used to go along with x just for quiet, but now wonder why i did to be honest - i only ended up being a doormat and under his thumb; he used to moan that i never let him go out - i did but i used to remind him he never made even a 1/4 the effort to take me out so that was one of the reasons why he's an ex not that he evr listened to why and still doesn't.

it is a worry when they look after them on their own isn't it? i imagine it must be that bit harder in your situation?((((((()))

used2bthin · 18/08/2008 13:39

Thanks yes it is a worry. He can be so irritating too he's quite controlling but I don't think he realises it. I think it was almost a relief when we split so its only now that the novelty has worn off that I'm beginning to thin k hang on a minute with his behaviour! Having said that, most of the time we get on ok. He comes here to see DD but its when it fits in which can be quite hard,he works near me but lives in a different town so visits after work and I used to feel I had to be in in case he wanted to see DD but I'm getting \a bit better at saying no we are out, back at x time etc.

He is going on holiday next week with his new GF which is the second holiday this year with a new GF! I could never get him to come away with me. Oh well exactly as you said, thats why he is my ex, well that and a few other reasons obviously!

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fransmom · 18/08/2008 13:44

understand about the holiday thing - i could never egt him to take me away even though he promised. we were enagaged but i gradually realised that he had no interest in planning anything, i know we had very little money but that would have been half the fun of it, planning on a budget. he promsie dthe earth and gave little in return, also very controlling

used2bthin · 18/08/2008 13:51

Oh sounds very similar to mine then, we were going to get engaged at one point, his idea. He even took me shopping for the ring then it never materialised! Anyway I sound like I am but I am honestly not bitter, I am glad it is over I just worry about the impact on my DD because he puts himself first. Also that he will start wanting her to come and stay with him and new GF, should I be asking to meet her first? Insisting she learns how to deal with DD in an emergency? It may not happen just yet or they may not last long its just interesting to hear what others do has your ex got a new relationship or has that not come up yet? I know it will probablybe a big issue if I get a new man although chance'd be a fine thing tbh!

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fransmom · 18/08/2008 13:58

arrrrrgh it never posted running out of time on library pc too bugger!! ttfn xxx

used2bthin · 18/08/2008 14:05

Good speaking to you anyway Fransmom, DD will be up soon so will have to come off too. Thanks again.

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fransmom · 18/08/2008 14:10

thats ok u2bt, managed to get on other pc's in main part so have more excuse not to go and do housework

bye for now x

fransmom · 20/08/2008 18:02

hows you been? xx

Janos · 20/08/2008 19:21

Believe it or not, you will get to the point when you are relieved someone else has taken the selfish wanker on and has to put up with his pathetic behaviour.

It's a good feeling, and it will happen, I promise!

used2bthin · 20/08/2008 22:32

Janos I know exactly what you mean, I am there really or at least this is what I've spent the last year hoping for so he'd be happy and therefore let me live my life. It has surprised me though, how predictable he is if that makes sense? And how everything is magically ok now that he is sorted, no more demands on me to come and do family stuff at his. Which is good as its normal, just a bit infuriating that its all so much on his terms. But then I know its partly my fault for going along with him (for an easier life!)

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fransmom · 23/08/2008 12:58

(((((((((((((used))))))))))))))))
hi janos hows you?
fmx

Janos · 23/08/2008 15:41

Hey fransmom I'm good today thanks, how are you

Totally agree with you used2bthin. Sounds just like my XP. He is now married (to someone else obv) and we get on better now. That's probably because we don't have to see each other very often!

Joking aside, I do understand that awful feeling of being in 'limbo' and just wanting to get on with your life. It's hard. But it does honestly get better.

used2bthin · 23/08/2008 20:48

Thanks both of you. Have had a bit of a weird one tonight, would be grateful for your opinions as I'm not sure if he is being unreasonable or if I am pre menstrual (well I am but ykwim!). He went away for the night with the new GF last night. Rang me this morning to ask if DD would like this toy he had seen, I said yes then I am sure he said he would probably come over later to see her when they got back. 6.15pm I thought I'd better ring and check if he was coming as it was getting close to bedtime. When I rang he sounded a bit surprised and said no he was too tired to come tonight but would try to come in the morning. I said well ok but it would have to be very early as we are going to a christening and need to leave at 9.30. He said ok either the morning or teatime then he'd see what time he got up. Oh and then he rang me back 5 mins later to ask for the number of a take away place near me so was obviously at new GF house down the road! I assumed he'd gone back to where he lives. Am I right in thinking this is all just a bit convenient for him and he is fitting dd in around his love life? And I think I may need to put my foot down but where to start?

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charliecat · 23/08/2008 20:54

Hmm, I would get regular contact arrangements sorted, the sunday he already does he should stick to..and add on other days/nights. Then he and you can build a life around the kids.
My xp has the kids every second weekend and on a tues and thurs for a couple of hours.
He sometimes lets us down, but he knows when he SHOULD be having them, even if he doesnt.. it also means I dont have to talk to him, which is nice.

used2bthin · 23/08/2008 20:59

yes I think you are right Charliecat. He has her thursdays for an hour or so while I do a class but doesn't have her over night yet. I get really anxious about him letting something happen to her but I know I need to get over it. Up till now its sort of suited us both to be vague and fit visits in whenever but what it has meant really is that he does lots of short visits, almost everyday sometimes, when it fits with his work. I think I have been so scared of him asking for over night stays that I've gone along with whatever to keep the peace. He can be very difficult too so I tend to avoid confrontation with him but if I felt dd wasn't getting what she deserved of course I would act and I'm thinking now it might be better for her to know what to expect and I'm worried because she never knows when he's coming.

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charliecat · 23/08/2008 22:16

Well a routine would be good for all of you, though I wouldnt say oh oh daddys coming just in case he doesnt show, even if he is meant to.
Good Luck, its a nightmare sorting it out, but once its set it stone its nice.

used2bthin · 24/08/2008 20:48

Thanks he is driving me mad atm, totally wrapped up in his love life and texting all the time when he's here argh wish I'd picked someone a bit more mature! Oh well I'm sure it'll get sorted. Then maybe I should get on with it and get a love life. Do you ask to meet new GF's before they meet your children btw? Just wondering what is the norm for that sort of thing? He hasn't mentioned introducing them yet but I think he may well do it and not tell me as DD can't yet talk.

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charliecat · 26/08/2008 17:17

I didnt ask to meet xps girlfriend, I didnt because I wouldnt want to have to do the same thing myself.
I think I did sort of rant a little bit about me leaving them in HIS care, not anyone else. That I trusted him, but I didnt want them left with sitters/neighbours/mates/girlfriends etc...I said this because on the few occasions he had took the dds himself before we split up he left dd2 in a room with a man and a dog and the dog bit her face. Another incident was him leaving dd2 at the bottom of a ride with an attendant.
He wouldnt leave his laptop with the attendant, I dont feel he should have left dd2.
Anyway, I reckon most women are child friendly and another friendly adult in your dds life might not be a bad thing.
Have you sorted out any regular access yet?

used2bthin · 26/08/2008 21:12

No he is ill, was very ill today in fact and DD and I were ill at the weekend so all has come to a bit of a stand still. But will have to talk to him when everything is a bit calmer. I'd want him to make sure she fully understands the implications of DD's condition if they were going to have DD together. I must say, I think I would possibly feel happier about DD being with him if I knew there were two of them iyswim because its another pair of eyes and, who knows, she may be more sensile than him! But I'd still feel a bit sad at DD being looked after by someone else for more than a couple of hours as I've never been parted from her for long.

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