Please can someone help me...

[Upsydaisy1]

My husband has recently left me and I am now on my own with a 4 year old and a one year old. He has just started a new job earning £60,000 per annum plus an additional £40,000 in bonus and commision. The company he works for are paying him the full £100,000 pro rata over the next four months until he is earning the full salary which they have said they will virtually guarantee.

He is arguing over money to the point that he won't buy my son a bed and that I am now having to borrow money to purchase my sons first school uniform.

I only work p/t one day a week, earning £200 per month.

I am filing for a divorce as he has been having an affair behind my back.

Can anybody advise me of what monthly allowance I would or should be expecting based on the above information.

Can anyone also advise me about mediation and whether it is worthwhile or would I be best to pursue him through the courts.

[solidgoldbrass]

Are you having, or have you had, any legal advice? If not, get in touch with CAB/WOmen's Aid etc and talk to someone who knows about this stuff. You should also find out about what benefits/tax credits you are entitled to as a lone parent.

If your XH is one of these 'let's sort it out amicably and not involve the lawyers' types, be aware that he is screwing you, ignore his wishes and take proper legal advice. Mediation is no bad thing: if two basically decent people are acting unkindly due to the misery that the end of a relationship can cause, mediation can help them deal with each other calmly and amicably with the best outcome all round: if your XP is being an arse, then going through mediation allows you to demonstrate that you are being/have been reasonable and tried to keep things civil should it all have to go to court.

[ChasingSquirrels]

does he have them over night at all?
If not then 20% of his net, so about (very roughly) £1,000pm.
You can put the figures into the CSA website to get accurate figures.
then potential maint for yourself - which would depend on the length of the marriage, what you earn etc, that is more variable.

[ChasingSquirrels]

does he have them over night at all?
If not then 20% of his net, so about (very roughly) £1,000pm.
You can put the figures into the CSA website to get accurate figures.
then potential maint for yourself - which would depend on the length of the marriage, what you earn etc, that is more variable.

[ChasingSquirrels]

not all "lets sort it amicably" means that they are screwing you, if he is arguing over money though he probably will.

[AvenaLife]

Get a solicitor and go for the jugular! Don't do amicable, it's only amicable on his part, not yours. I would definetly get a solicitor if he's aguing over a child's bed and a school uniform. That's just rediculous.

[Upsydaisy1]

So he would only be made to pay about £1000 per month for the childrens upkeep when he earns £100k. That's ridiculous! The mortgage is £700 per month.

We have been together 16 years, married for eight and I gave up a well paid job in order to be at home for the boys. I can't return to work as the childcare is so expensive and it is important that I am around for the next six months to help my little boy settle into school. He is a very anxious little boy and I had quite a few problems getting him to settle in preschool.

I know an awful lot of people manage on an awful lot less, but I just feel that based on the fact that he is earning bloody good money his children should not go without.

Last week I asked him for a new bed for our 4 year old who is still in the toddler bed we bought when he was two. He told me to use one which we bought 10 years ago, is cheap and incredibly uncomfortable, as you can feel the springs through it. I explained that it wasn't acceptable and he shrugged his shoulders saying he didn't have any money. However when my son appeared and commented on his dads clothes, he said yes darling daddy has bought new clothes, which I might add included a pair of Hugo Boss trainers! So god knows how much they cost. He has gone from being a fantastic husband and father to the biggest bastard I know.

I have got a solicitor and will be going to see her next week. I just want to make damn sure my kids get what they deserve, instead at the moment he is swanning off on holiday and buying himself new clothes! C*ck!

[AvenaLife]

20% of 100k is 20K a year! Don't forget that this is just child support . He'll have to add payment to you for the time you have been married, the housework and support you have given him etc. You'll get extra for leaving a well paid job to stay at home. No court will see you and his child/ren homeless either.

have a chat with the solicitor. It's complicated working out the finances. Just make sure you get what is due to you and your son.

[Remotew]

The CSA will assess him at 20% of his net earnings. If you can work another day i.e 16 hours a week then you will also get a reasonable amount of earnings, plus child tax credit, plus working tax credit, including help with childcare whilse you work, plus child benefit. Your entitlements do not include his maintenance. If you don't work the 16 hours then it is taken into account.

Assets should be split 50/50 and you should be able to stay in the house until the youngest is no longer a dependant providing you stay single. Get the advice that others have suggested. It may be that he will have to also pay half the mortgage to keep his 50 percent whilst you reside there with the children.

Don't despair you will be OK financially as he is earning a high income. Hope you will be OK emotionally. Mumsnet is a good support should you need it.

[prettyfly1]

also be aware that ctc and wtc will help you with the cost of childcare immeasurably.

[Upsydaisy1]

Thank you for your replies. I just want to make sure that we get everything we need from him. I feel a bit intimidated by him and as though I am at his mercy at the moment because of the financial situation. He holds the purse strings right now - and he knows it! I just want the balance of power to change so that I can choose how to spend the money that he provides for the children without having to go cap in hand to him for everything, which he is loving.

He has even sent me an e-mail today explaining that the Tesco's online shopping bill hasn't decreased since he left in April. He is forgetting that since he left my 18 month old is now eating enough food to feed an army and my four year old walks around permanently hungry. The shopping bills were never an issue when he was at home so why make a big deal about it now. I am not extravagant, except for the odd bottle of wine (which he has commented on) but I do believe in giving the kids proper fresh food.

Part of me wishes I was financially independent myself and I could tell him to sod off, but then he has a duty to provide for his kids.

With regard to access, can you please also tell me if I am being unreasonable. He sees the kids one evening a week. Normally from about 3.30pm until 6.30 and Saturdays 10.30 until 5.00. He telephones the house every morning and again in the evening. He thinks that I am unreasonable and am not taking him into consideration. I actually thought I was being reasonable!

[AvenaLife]

This is fine, they are still adjusting to not having him in the house with them so take it one step at a time.

Keep a copy of your emails and take them to the solicitor, along with your internet shopping reciept. He's angry that he's not there anymore so he's taking it out on you. Stay strong.

[Upsydaisy1]

Avena - I am trying to stay strong. I will not let this man break me. I am made of tougher stuff. I am just getting pissed off with trying to be whiter that white at the moment and not behave in a detrimental way that could affect my case when and if it gets to court.

I haven't really had my say with him yet. I am waiting until the boys and I are secure and then I will say all the things that I wanted to say to him!

He left in April claiming that we had issues, I'd had PND and anxiety which I posted about somewhere on here. He never ruled out coming home, said peace and quiet and time would heal things, that nothing was final and we would see how things went. Based on that I allowed him to come and go as he pleased. Was here more than ever until recently. Was still intimate and nothing he said or did made me think our marriage was over. His stuff was all still here and although he had lost a lot of weight and was suffering mood swings I out it down to the turmoil of the last few months.

Well two weeks ago I found out about his affair. While I was on holiday with my parents he used my home pc. Stupid man left his instant messenger open, so when I returned home and saw this woman had signed in with an inappropriate greeting I replied. Trouble was she thought I was him and so I managed to engage in a conversation with her that was very explicit, made it quite clear what had been going on and then I confronted her, and him. When I asked if he was ashamed, he said no and then went on to add that he hasn't let anyone down. What about his children???

All this time he was just keeping his options open incase he wanted to come home. I have been lied to, used and betrayed for the last 5 months, and maybe longer. And to think I'd wasted all that money going to relate on my own!! We could have gone to Legoland for the weekend with what I'd spent!

[AvenaLife]

What an arsehole! It's men like this that convince me that being single is the right way to go. Do you get any support from his/your parents?

[Upsydaisy1]

Yes my mum and dad are great. actually I found out about my husband the morning that my mother was about to go undergo surgery, and because of that I wasn't able to confide in her until 5 days later. I had to sit by her bed and pretend everything was normal, while inside all I wanted to do was cry on her.

His family are supportive and will help out with childcare. I am just starting to think that they may not be helping matters though, reporting back to their son etc.

I just can't believe how the man has changed. I was blissfully happy with him until last year. He was a fantastic partner, father, friend and I adored him. We'd been together since I was 17 and I can honestly say I would have done anything for him. I loved him and we had a very healthy relationship, on all levels and I can't understand how we have got to where we are now in such a short space of time

[ChasingSquirrels]

money etc - he is totally being unreasonable.
access - in what way are you asking?? does he want more? can he have them overnight?

[AvenaLife]

It sounds like you've had a rotten time. It can be so hard at first, just to find your feet can take ages. You never really get over a betrayal though. I was only with ds's dad for 6 months, we'd already decided what to call our children so I thought this was it. Then he left 2 weeks before ds was born and moved in with someone else. You never really know what's going on in someones head. It's really difficult to say why they turn into such tossers because I don't think even they know. Some sort of midlife crisis/breakdown?
I'd still use the exhgrandparents, just meet them outside your house and don't discuss exh with them. They are useful and IMO, should see their grandchildren.

[Remotew]

If he is a caring father then there is no need for you not to let him have the access that he wants. It is very important that you have time on your own.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've read your posts and you don't deserve it at all. Put yourself and your children first financially.

[AvenaLife]

They need time to adjust first, then increase it if you think appropriate.

[ChasingSquirrels]

personally with mine i felt that they needed to be seeing him, the first week they went for tea one evening and went for the day at the weekend, but as soon as he had beds (the 2nd week) they went for tea one evening and stayed overnight and he dropped them at school/childcare the next day and they also stayed for a 24hr period at the weekend (ie overnight). They were 2.3 and 5.7 when we split up. This is the arrangement we have continued. He doesn't ever call them though - I wish he did.

[Upsydaisy1]

Sounds like you've had a rough time too. i guess we all like to think that when we have our children, the father will be around forever and that we will bring the kids up, grow old together - you know the roses round the door stuff and then BANG life changes almost overnight.

Having said that I feel that I have almost been weaned off him the last four months and that day by day my feelings have slowly changed. Now I feel indifference.

The emotion comes in when I think that my babies won't grow up in a secure family unit like I did and that at such a young age they come from a broken home. They are never gonna have any memories of daddy living at home. That is what hurts!

With regard to access he thinks that he should have his access here in our home and that I should leave during this time, or make myself busy. He also wants more access, but with our 4 year old starting school in a few weeks it will not be acceptable for him to be out 2 or 3 evening a week. H has no home as such, living in digs, that he could even take them to, so all he ends up doing is going round his mothers. Am I being unreasonable by saying that because he has left he now needs to have his relationship with dcs away from the house.

[ChasingSquirrels]

I HATED them going, but felt they should see him.

[ChasingSquirrels]

I wouldn't want him to have them in what is now my house, but then my ex got a house were he could have them immediately - life isn't like that for most people and I don't know what I would do in your situation.

[Remotew]

He needs to be in a secure home of his own, with bedrooms for your DC's, before he starts making demands re access. You do what you feel is appropriate until then.

After all as a mum you would think about the kids before changing residence/circumstances.

[AvenaLife]

I try not to think about what it would have been like.I'd have probably been miserable by now anyway so it's a blessing. Apart from being permanently broke.

It' not his home any more and it could send out the wrong signals to the children if he were to come and see them at your house. It's reasonable that he see's them at his parents, they could have tea with him during the week, if he picks them up early on Saturday then it gives you the day to do something, he can bring them home after tea and put them to bed if they understand that you'll be there in the morning. Don't leave him alone in your house though. Once he has a decient place to live you can have a rethink and extend it if you want.

[Upsydaisy1]

I'm just not comfortable with him being here, especially if I had to leave during his access. He would snoop through, phones, laptops, bags - just as he has done all these months. He has also been seen by several of my neighbours sitting in the car late at night looking at the house for periods of time without my knowledge. God knows why!! I certainly don't want them going to his room in a shared house - you just don't know who else is there.

This whole situation is such a mess. He came to collect the kids this morning and he looked like he had been crying all night. Even ds asked what was wrong with his eyes.

I can't help but think he has brought this on himself, through his own actions and now he is clearly suffering. I don't know if he is still seeing her - but I would love to find out!