Sorry...that's just how I'm feeling!!
I posted on here a while ago about how my XH (who has a full time job, small rent and other DC's) had spent £220 total in a year on our DS, that includes birthday and Christmas presents and child maintenance . I also explained about how I pay if he takes him out (just to get him to take him out!), how he always takes him to his mums for his food when he has him (one night a week) and how he never washes his clothes, he just sends his dirty clothes back. I also buy his mum Christmas, birthday presents etc of our DS and basically the whole amount his DS has cost him in a year is £220!!!!!!!!
I wanted to know whether to call CSA and I did fill the forms out but then XH went mental when I told him and set up a DD for £20 a week (after trying to negotiate £10 a month at first !!! DS is 9 by the way, and has LOADS of hobbies!!
Anyway, I work partly from home and have tried to arrange it so I only work from home during the school hols. But today I have had to go out to work, ONE day out of 6½ weeks! It has been really hard trying to get everything done with the children here but better than trying to arrange childcare IYSWIM.
My parents on hols so over a month ago I asked my DS2's grandparents to have him and XH to have DS1 (DS2 isn't XH's). This was all agreed and I have checked randomly to make sure this still stands with XH. He turned up out of the blue to collect DS1 last night. was a bit suprised but DS1 was so pleased to see him I just got his stuff ready and he went. Anyway, he was going to have him til 4 pm. Last night he said he had to bring him back by 3 pm. I said if there is nothing else he can do then that will have to be okay. Anyway, he just called and said he's bringing him back in a short while as he needs to go into work.
I am SOOOO angry! I will not get my work done now and probably ruining my chances of getting to work from home. ONE DAY OUT OF 6½ WEEKS AND HE CAN'T DO IT FOR ME!!! He works flexi time and is on 4-10 shift tonight anyway! That's why I agreed 3 pm bring back time!
Sorry, rant over, well done if you read this far, lol
I know how you feel. My ex is exactly the same. It helps to have a rant occasionally though.
You should hae said there's not much point in him dropping him off, as you won't be there until 3pm.
Or, you should have turned you phone off so he couldn't contact you whilst he had DS1 in his care.
But, I know these things work in theory much better than they do in practise and, like you, I am at the mercy of a twatty XH who makes the rules up as he goes along.
So you should, at the very least, come on here to rant and rave even if you can't do much else about the selfish bugger. As, indeed, you have. Quite right
You know, when my phone was ringing I did think about not answering it. When he had him last week he called me about stupid things ....SIX TIMES IN SIX HOURS!!!!
But when he hasn't got DS, he doesn't call all week!
I tried to not answer the phone but then I started thinking it might be DS wanting to talk to me or he might be ill, stupid I know!
Now I'm worried that DS heard and thinks no-one wants him
of course he went mental re the CSA - he is getting away with not paying for his son, presumably with a full time job the maint would be more that £220 per year??
fill in the forms and send them off.
CSA said £36 a week so I asked him for £25 a week as I know he is in debt but that's cos he got sacked for being lazy and sat around being unemployed (for no reason, there are jobs as he lives in a big city, he is intelligent and trained) for 4 years, while I had no child maintenance whatsoever!! He has been back at work a year now and gave me no money until this month.
To be honest he is just a lazy, irresponsible big kid who like to feel sorry for himself!
He sounds just like my ex. A total arse.
Better some money than none - as in, I think you are handling it the best way possible. Try the occasional, "Now, you are working, can you pay for X i.e. one of the hobbies?" Is there anything DS1 does that his Dad shares an interest in and suggest that.
Yes, your ex- is an idiot but that is why he's your ex-, right ? Don't count on him. At 9, can DS1 occupy himself enough to let you get on?
Keep ranting - it isn't fair. You are doing your best and when other adults choose not to pull their weight, it is doubly galling.
We actually split up because of his laziness, we were married nearly 9 years and DS was 2 when we split. He doesn't share an interest in anything that DS does. I try to include him in plays he does etc and even arranged for him to go camping with his cub group but I ended up paying for both of them, lending him camping stuff and then sending all their food! It's not like I have a lot of money, I only work 10 hours a week. I have enough, just, but no extra IYSWIM.
Last term I had to pay for his music lessons (£56), drama lessons (£72) and a school trip (£65). I asked XH to pay for one of them and asked him to choose with one. He chose the cheapest so I was relying on getting that, in the end he gave me nothing!
DS2 is getting to the age where he will start wanting to do hobbies now too and there's no way I can pay for both of them.
And all this is causing so much friction for me and DS2's dad (who I am still with). He has a son from a previous relationship but he pays regular CSA for him, sees him regular and is always there for him. So he gets even more mad with DS1's dad than I do...but yet still manages to smile and have a chat when he sees him!
Two positive things strike me - you are doing everything possible and DS1 also has another role model - his step-Dad.
The sad reality is you can't change your ex- and make him a better parent but you can stop him causing friction between you and your husband/partner.
I would quote CSA MINIMUM figures at him and then, ask for a one-off contribution towards a hobby/outing but expect nothing. Then, move on and not discuss it for another six months. Don't let him off the hook but don't let it stress you more than it needs to.
One thing strikes me - was your XH loathe to split up with you?
XH1 didn't want to split up with me and was a total arse about maintenance. XH2 ran away with Ow and spends his whole time trying to make out that he is (at least financially) the world's best dad.
If he was disappointed at your split, he may be jealous of your new relationship with DP. Hence his trying to feck you over in other ways. I'm not saying it is fair, I'm just saying it might be a reason for his awkwardness.
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