Another WWYD money question

[mylittlepudding]

I have my DD, I don't get any maintenance, and we manage.

Would you rock the boat to get what you are "entitled" to? To be honest I haven't even asked XP because

1. I am being stubbornly, stupidly proud and I want to be able to cope with everything myself
   
2. He will make me feel guilty
   
3. I earn more than him - but I do pay £700/month childcare and all her clothes/ food/ entertainments. Maybe that cancels it out
   
4. I hate confrontations
   
5. I don't want to feel indebted to him - or anyone - for anything.
   
6. I have moved to live away, with our dd - so I fund his trips to see her (as they are at weekends whilst I work)
   
   I wonder if it is doing negative for dd though - I am not saving, though I manage everything else, and if I had any maintenance, I could be saving that amount from what I earn. Maybe I would be thankful to have that money one day, or maybe we could get out of our little flat to a house with a garden and a cat, or a host of other maybes.
   
   I know I am lucky, to be able to cope. I just wanted to hear opinions really.

[twinsetandpearls]

I have chosen not to take maintenance from my ex so do understand where you are coming from. However I do have a partner who contributes financially so our dd has all the things you say you want for your dd. So my stubborness does not cost dd anything. There is certainly nothing to feel guilty about in asking a man to support his own child and if should feel proud to do so.

[gillybean2]

I was like you to start with, stubborn and wanting to prove I could do it.

Now I get some maintenance (less than half it should be) and I can give ds things I wouldn't be able to otherwise - swimming and music lessons, weekends away and the odd holiday.

That first weekend we went away after 5 years of no breaks was amazing. I could feel the stress literally drop off me.

I would say go for the maintenance. You owe it to your dd to do what is right for her. And even if you just put the money into a savings account for the future then that is worth doing. It really doesn't matter how much your ex earns over you etc. As a parent he should be meeting his responsibilities to his child, financial and emotional.

Don't feel guilty, think of your dd and what is best and right for her. If she found herself in your position in 20 years time you'd be telling her to get the maintenance wouldn't you...? If he continues to pays nothing you won't be any worse off financially than you are now after all!

Gilly

[FabioFridgeFluffFrenzy]

Firstly, stop funding his trips to see dd. That's his responsibility.

Then ask for maintenance. gillybean's idea is good - put it in a savings account. Call it dd's college fund.

[ib]

Not a lone parent but maybe can bring a different perspective?

My mum never took money from my dad (divorced when I was 1). For a few years it was bloody tough for her, but I'm glad she did it, because my dad would have been totally unreasonable about it and it would have damaged my relationship with him.

As it was, I saw him on weekends, and eventually developed a really good relationship with him. I don't think this would have been the case if they had constantly been fighting over money (and they would have been, as I say, dad was never going to be reasonable). My guess is that it would have affected our relationship AND he still wouldn't consistently have contributed what he should.

[Roboshua]

MLP.I think you are me!! I'm in exactly the same situation (although he's the one who lives 50 miles away). Although I understand what ib is it surely can't hurt asking.If says 'no' then you can consider csa and it wouldn't you two be arguing it would be him and a third party. I have asked and occasionally for something but usually that has been halves on a big purchase (school uniform, dinners etc etc). Sometimes he refuses outright but sometimes he has contributed. In fact last month he stated he would give me £100 a month (which is not a lot whne you've got two but I was going to put it in to a holiday fund for us) but of course it's not arrived in my bank account and I will have to reconsider my options just like you. It may be that he knows he should be paying but just doesn't (why pay out £200 a month when I can spend it on myself instead is what some men think??). You say you are mangaging but what happens if there's an emergency because you have no savings??? It irritates me when he turns up bearing gifts for the kids like he's Father Christmas when I would rather he had given me the money for school uniform because that's the sort of thing my money goes on.

[mylittlepudding]

Thank you for all your thoughtful messages.

Maybe I will ask him for half or a thrid of dd's childcare. After all, we both work, so we both need it.

FFFF But I moved away and he has to fly to come and always comes at the weekends I am working! I kind of think that counts for something - he could say no, then I'd probably have to abandon my career and find something with normal hours. Or am I being silly about that?

Gilly that's a good point about my dd. I would be saying, sod his budgeting, just look at the provision for your child.

Pride is not a very attractive character trait, is it... He is always complaining how his money doesn't stretch but when I add up just how much I spend on dd (and I don't begrudge a single penny, btw) it is far more than the difference between our salaries.

[FabioFridgeFluffFrenzy]

I think he can stump up for his own airfare.
Not your responsibility to pay his fares.
Call it in lieu of maintenance.
Everybody wins.