So the bastard has put in a claim for child benefit ....ARGGGGGH

[BobDowne]

I now officially hate him. I expect a letter to arrive soon from the tax credits office too. My child benefit claim is going to be suspended while they investigate who should get the money. What a complete bullying tosser. How are the children going to benefit during the school holiday if no-one is getting the money?! I'm so angry, i'll be really struggling now, may have to move house, find somewhere cheaper to rent - but can't even do that as have no deposit money!

[gillybean2]

On what grounds has he put in a claim?

[BobDowne]

He said he wanted to claim for DS1 so that he could get working tax credits, then said he would pay me whatever i lost straight back again. Trouble is he's always been very controlling and terrible with money so i do not want to be relying on him to give me money ever again. I think he would withold it whenever he felt the need to manipulate me. I realised with horror that recently DS1 has been spending more time at his dad's, especially at weekends, so i think he may get the claim in his favour. DS1 is almost 14, so he can choose who he wants to live with, and dad has the best computer, TV, games, software etc. I can't compete with that! I'm gutted, just want to cry. Was already struggling.

[gillybean2]

Oh I think I remember you saying about this. Wasn't it him that was trying to persuade you that you had agreed to it at mediation.

Well just because he's been spending more time there recently doesn't mean he will get it transfered.

Do you have a court order? What does it say about overnights if you do? How many overnights is your ds1 staying over there? And over the last 16 weeks has this been the case or is it just coz of school hols?

Your ds1 could leave home at 16. You really need to sort your money situation out that you can manage the bills (food, clothes etc should be less anyhow in that situation).

What have you got in writing from him which shows he is intending to pay the money back to you anyhow. I'm sure you can use that as some kind of leverage to help your case. Go to the CAB with the letter(s) and get some help filling them in and working out what the overnights are and have been averaged out over the whole year.

[Indith]

But why does he have to have the CB to get the Tax credits? I realise that dp and I live together but the CB is in my name and always has been and he gets the WTC in his name.

[gillybean2]

If you are separated you can't get tax credits without the CB as it is used as a measure of who the parent with residency is (or overall residency in the case of shared residency).

If you are a couple the CB goes to teh mother usually, but you can choose for the Tax Credits to go to either of the working parents, or to the one that is working if you are not both working.

[BobDowne]

Gillybean, you always give such great advice - are you in the counselling profession?

Yes he did get me to agree to it at mediation, but i said i would only consider it if he stopped his threatening behaviour (which obviously he hasn't).

We have the written agreement from mediation which states he would pay me back the money, but I feel he would find some way round that.

We don't have a court order, only mediation agreement about shared parenting arrangements.

I haven't added up the overnights, DS1 has been staying there 2 weekends out of 3, and recently every other week too, going to school on the bus straight from there.

[Indith]

Ah ok thanks gilly

[gillybean2]

well you need to add up the overnights over the last 12 months and average those out.

The current arrangement does put him staying at his dad's more of the time. But that is just a short term thing I would assume... You can certainly argue that it is!

However if it is going to be a more permantent arrangement then he probably is entitled to the CB on those rough figures. Perhaps you need to have your ds1 home every other weekend? So then it's more of a 50/50 arrangement.

Keep a diary of how often the children stay with who. It's so sad that money has an inpact on a child's choice on which parent they want to spend time with

[BobDowne]

Just been through the calendar and added up all the overnights since 13 april as they've asked on the form. He's stayed at dads 3 nights more than mine. I wouldn't be surprised if exh had been planning this all along - recently been very keen to offer to have the kids extra nights during my weeks 'if i needed to go out or anything' will fight it though, don't want him getting away with any more bullying tactics.

[littleducks]

Does it say from 13th April to a certain date? could you fill it in next week when he has stayed at yours a few more days?

[BobDowne]

They actually want a week by week figure, which doesn't really work out with our ridiculous system, so will have to write it all out.

Need to talk to DS1 again, see if he would like to spend more time here at weekends. I don't want to make him feel like he has to though.

I'll definitely need to get a job of at least 16 hours a week now, that will help a lot, and hopefully give me more confidence too. That's if i can get a job in the first place! Might need to do some training first.

[littleducks]

when applying for jobs put pay and hours worked into 'entitledtto' website to see with working tax cxredits which you would be best working

[misi]

from what I last heard on this, at 50-50 care, then whoever has the CB book keeps it. only when there is a significant change does the CB book change hands. I was told it had to be at least a 2% change if 50-50, so if over a 90 day quarter period, if usually you have 45 nights each it would have to change to something like 47 to 43 in the others favour before the book was handed over and that this was also unlikely to change in the next 90 days. I may be wrong but that is what I was told a couple of years ago when my ex applied to have the CB taken away from me when she realised she was missing out on a lot of benefits by not having the CB. the benefits agency did also say something about court orders and using any contact orders as a basis of determination too but at that time we hadn't got that far in court so it was not an issue.

[CarGirl]

I think I would also put in that he is threatening you and that you suspect he is doing this to try and control you.

I'm really sorry he's done this to you it's so unfair.

[BobDowne]

Would they be able to take threatening behaviour into account? He's been texting me about 10 times tonight over nothing. i'm feeling harassed, ignoring phone now. it's still going off.

Last week i had a lovely holiday in the country with my family + the kids. Now back home i've got no support here. Wish i could move away with the kids.

Misi did you get to keep the CB?

[misi]

bobdowne, no I lost the CB as I still had 4 months to go before the final hearing so no contact order was in place and she had been withholding contact with my son anyway. she admitted after the final hearing that her solicitor had told her exactly what to do over contact and money issues to get the best deal for herself. as she had established a new status quo with her as the main carer, the court rubber stamped her proposal for 2 nights a week with me which gave her the CB book permanently.

threatening behaviour I doubt would be looked at by the benefits agency as they have no power to do so. the only thing you could do over that is report it to the police and get crime numbers for future reference and use and possibly take it to court? court is the last resort really but if you feel you are being harrassed and bullied then court maybe the only answer. if you do go to court, think about keeping the solicitors out of it, get yourself a good mackenzie friend and do it yourself if you can.

[BobDowne]

What do you mean by mackenzie friend?

[misi]

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McKenzie_Friend en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McKenzie_Friend

some MK's are legally experienced others not so, the charity I belong to has many MK's on its forums, some you have to pay small amount s to some ask for expenses only, most give good advice and as they are interested in the child mainly, you often get better outcomes by using one rather than using the adversarial ways of a solicitor

[misi]

oops, pasted the same link twice! this is the other link;

www.askthefamilylawyer.co.uk/?page_id=8

[BobDowne]

Thanks misi, will check those out. I was going to get an appointment to see the solicitior tomorrow as i'm so angry about it i just felt like doing whatever i could to get back at him. I've tried to be reasonable and he just throws it back at me, accuses me of lying about the most ridiculous things. I don't want to play stupid games!

[BobDowne]

So today he hand delivered a divorce petition!!! Great!

Will def need to see a solicitor now as i disagree with a few points in his petition. Did he expect me to be upset do you think?!

I feel like celebrating!

[misi]

sounds like he has been planning all along with a wily divorce solicitor.

have a glass or two on me over the weekend while you celebrate

and don't forget to keep a diary of everything from now on if you already don't.

[BobDowne]

Yes he must have been! Just sent me a text asking if i'd read it yet and pretending to be all matey about it.

Got to work out if i can afford a bottle of wine for tonight now!

[misi]

that suggests he is unsure about the document and its contents! and is also possibly worried how you will react/respond.

Marques De Leon Red Wine 75cl in tesco is on offer at £2.39 which aint bad, and you can take solace in that by drinking red wine, you are taking in plenty of resveratol, a powerful anti oxidant

[RambleOn]

Bob - if you're not working, you need to get the CB as it entitles you to HRC (home responsibility somethingorother?) which means that your national insurance stamp is paid for you.

Without it, you may not be entitled to a full state pension, as you'll be missing your stamp.