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Anyone have a DC(s) who has never met their father?

(8 Posts)
Saucysmokeandfriskyfluff Wed 06-Aug-08 23:27:48

Just wondering if anyone has a dc who has never met their father for one reason or another?

How do you, or did you, deal with the inevitable questions they are bound to ask as they get older?

I know it's a pretty personal topic but has anyone out there had to explain to their dc that they were the result of a fling/short term relationship/one night stand (dare i even suggest that!)?

Any thoughts or experiences would be much appreciated x

Overmydeadbody Wed 06-Aug-08 23:31:33

Well last time DS saw his father he was only just two, so he doesn't remember it and as far as he's concerned doesn't have a father. I haven't had any difficult questions along the lines of "why" yet, although I have heard other kids asking DS why he doesn't have a dad and his responce is "because I don't, all families are different, I have a grandad and three uncles though". I have always emphasised that all families are differnet.

I can't really help weith the fling/short term relationship advice, I was married to the sperm donor, but he was a violent drugged up tosspot.

muggglewump Wed 06-Aug-08 23:39:49

DD doesn't remember.
She rarely asks but I have photos of him in the house and I've always been very open about him. She knows he lives in Australia and I just told her he didn't want to be a Dad which was silly of him.
I'll go into more detail as she gets older but she doesn't seem bothered at all.

I can't help with the last bit either, I was engaged to ex. Sorry

gillybean2 Wed 06-Aug-08 23:44:52

My ds has never met his father. Wasn't a one night stand. Was very much in love with his father at the time. Together 8 months, longer if you include time we were talking together online before we met which was around a year I think. Wasn't planned, and he decided he 'wasn't ready to be a dad yet' and that was that it turned out. He lives in a different country so no scope for bumping into each other or the like.

Did ask him recently to reconsider his decision to have no involvment as ds was asking a lot of questions. He declined.

Ds actually asked me in the car tonight when he would see his dad again. And I said what do you mean again, you've never met him. Then he asked why his dad didn't like him. To which I replied he doesn't know you so how could he not like you. I know you and I love you very much and so does your grammy and grandpa. Then he started asking about why he doesn't have his dad's surname and I explained we weren't married. Well how can you have a baby if you're not married hmm. Just said you didn't have to be married, but it's better if you are, and talked about some of his friends who have the same name as their mum, or as their dad but different to their mum etc. Then he went off at a tangent about the colour of people's hair or something.

I worked myself up for ages wondering what to tell him when he was small, but now I just answer his questions as honestly as I can without giving him false hope of ever seeing his father.

Basically you just have to deal with the questions as they come at you because you never know what they're really asking or thinking so trying to interpret is impossible. Things I think would upset him don't seem to trouble him at the moment, but then other things I dismiss actually matter to him a lot. Always best to try and find out what he's really asking.

Saucysmokeandfriskyfluff Wed 06-Aug-08 23:59:50

Thanks all. I think im just stressing a bit at the moment, probably for no reason.

My Ds is 3 and occasionally asks about daddy but it's only ever when a daddy comes up in conversation/in a story etc rather than an actual desire to know.

He was 2 wks old when his dad last saw him so obviously doesn't remember and although i have a few pictures of his dad in a photo album my ds likes to look through, i always have feel uncomfortable saying who it is. I know that's my own issue i have to get over. Do have the occasional phone call from his dad but not often as he lives abroard, and again feel uncomfortable if ds ever asks who im talking to.

I think im too used to being the only parent in ds's life, and find it hard to acknowledge that he actually has two parents, althought one is not around.

gillybean2 Thu 07-Aug-08 10:18:46

Look at it the way I do maybe. My ds has a 'father' (who helped to make him), but he doesn't have a 'dad' (who is there for him). It kind of helps in explaining the difference to my ds though he doesn't always understand it completely.

RockinSockBunnies Tue 12-Aug-08 16:32:24

I've been away and just saw this thread. My DD, now seven, has never met her father. I was never 'officially' with him when I got pregnant at aged 18. I'd known him for a few years (in a kind of "friends with benefits" way - he had an on/off girlfriend at the time too). As soon as I found out that I was pregnant he made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and that I should have an abortion. Had no contact at all throughout the pregnancy or since.

It's never been much of an issue for DD as he's never been a part of our lives and we're fine without him. Occasionally she would ask about him, saying "why doesn't he like me", but since I reiterated that he's never met her and felt he was too young to be a father, it's never bothered her.

In some ways it's probably easier that he's never been around - some of my DD's friends have had parents that have divorced and they seem far more traumatised by the whole thing.

slightlycrumpled Tue 12-Aug-08 17:04:26

DS1 hasn't seen his biological father since he was a few weeks old. We went seperate ways whilst I was pregnant due to his drug abuse and the mental illness this caused him.

When he was nine months old I met my DH and went on to have another child.

DS1 knows that daddy isn't the daddy that put him in mummy's tummy, and rarely asks any questions. I prefer him to have always known rather than get to a difficult teenage age and have a shock.

His bio father has shown no interest or support of any kind and I actually wouldn't know where to find him now.

He has a happy, secure life where he is very much loved. Right now that's enough.

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