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You know when they blame you for everything, even tho THEY left

(10 Posts)
piratecat Mon 04-Aug-08 18:06:51

well I got this little snippet from the midlife crisis forum pages.

On there a woman was really fed up and upset, and didn't understand why her ex had got what he wanted (ie left her) but yrs on still blamed her. For thier kids not wanting to know him anymore, and blamed her for everything else too, and someone replied.

''All of the above is because he can't blame himself for his behaviour.
If he's at fault he'll have to feel GUILTY.
He doesn't want to feel guilty.
So he projects the guilt onto you.

You know it's irrational of him.
You know it's without foundation.''

cool i thought.

misi Mon 04-Aug-08 18:46:00

its called ''emotional transference''

piratecat Mon 04-Aug-08 19:28:39

yes funnily enough my counsellor, well dd's actually, said about this. She called it emotional projection!!

misi Mon 04-Aug-08 21:26:46

yes, same thing different names depending on the learning centre. some say though that emotional projection is more from adults to children, transference is from adult to adult, semantics really as the net effect is the same

bignutbrownhare Mon 04-Aug-08 22:04:51

That's ringing some extremely loud bells. Xp blames me for absolutely everything, even said to me once 'so, you accept and acknowledge the responsibility' (for the split and probably for everything that's happened to him since he was born, twunt). Er, no, it takes two to make a relationship, two to make a baby, and two to turn said relationship into a pile of ashes. Emotional transference describes him to a tee, he refuses to take responsibility for his actions, his alcoholism, his general twatiness, just wants the world to believe that he's a wonderful guy, which he most definitely isn't. Anyway, he's out the country on holiday at the moment and I can honestly say that a blardy great big cloud lifted off my horizon the day day he flew off and I'm dreading him coming back.

misi Mon 04-Aug-08 22:23:10

bignutbrownhare,
my ex accused me in court last week of teaching my son to be violent!! in court 2 years ago, she accused me of being violent and abusive to her and to my son. she told all and sundry I was violent and abusive. her mum waded in with a statement to say she had seen me throw my son around the room and into the walls. one slight problem though, no police and no social services were ever informed, no hospital records could be produced for the certain injuries throwing a baby into a wall would cause and the two customers the court were told I abused with agression and viloence in my shop actually said they would come and testify in my favour if asked as they agreed they were abused in the shop but not by me!! the therapist we both saw after we split wrote a letter to the court to say in his opinion, my ex was suffering from transference projection (yet another term for it) along with BPD (often these two go hand in hand but in men BPD is referred to as narcism). I had never heard of this before but I know about it now!! I now find that I am ''accused'' on a regualr basis of things that my ex does. she proscibes feelings and action to me that are hers, but I am up against it as you will know from your ex, these people are very convincing.

one other point before you fall asleep reading this wink most people with this problem partly do this as a way of making themselves look good to others and is a perverse way of boosting thier own poor self image and loathing of themselves. sp spare a thought for the poeple who suffer from this affliction, they really are the lowest of the low grin

bignutbrownhare Mon 04-Aug-08 22:55:30

Misi, I know a bit about your story from other threads and I really feel for you (even though you are a member of my, currently, least favourite species, I'm giving you exception makes the rule status wink). My x's blatant refusal to shoulder any responsibility for what's happened, to the point of making himself look like a brain-dead idiot, does smack of emotional transference/transference projection/whatever, and he is obsessed by being thought of as good old ** to everyone we know, but I think his main problem is that he's a self-centred wanker with a self-centred, enabling wanker of a mummy (he's 43 years old btw).

citylover Mon 04-Aug-08 23:03:49

I think I have been on the receiving end of this recently from someone and also in the past from exH.

It is really a most bizarre feeling isn't it. Cos I like to think am pretty in tune with my feeling so when someone does it just feels plain wrong inside.

But at the same time it can still be a bit of a headF**k, can't it. Esp if like some women (myself included) you are a bit of a people pleaser.

Interesting though.

bignutbrownhare Mon 04-Aug-08 23:29:36

Citylover, it does make you doubt yourself because these people are just so determined to prove their 'point'. My x has done everything he can to make me feel as though I am a bad person/mother, to the point of ridiculousness (i.e. trying to get my life-long bf on 'his' side, and on one of the very, very few occasions that I go out, claiming I had insulted one of his friends, the same friend who was perfectly nice and uninsulted the next time I saw him...) It used to upset me, but now I just think how sad he is, that he craves that kind of approval from people who don't really give a fuck about him. He'a a 'little big man' really, but he's still my dd's dad, so I have to big him up as a hero for her sake. She's only 14 months, so I have only 15 years and 10 months of that ahead grin.

misi Tue 05-Aug-08 00:09:59

thanks bignut grin
citylover, that is why it is so hurtful to me too as I like to please everyone if I can and when I am rubbished to all and sundry it makes the whole situation worse. my ex sounds exactly the same, refuses to shoulder any responsibility at all, for anything, always my fault, and when you are in court and these accusations appear from no where, it really mucks you up and puts you off for the rest of the trial fair hearing!!
I keep going one for the sake of my son, as for the moment he has been taken away from me and placed in the unsafe hands of my ex and will be forced to go to an inferior school where she now lives, but I live in hope for the next trial hearing and cafcass report. it is a question of perception to these people. more worried about what others think of them than anything else. they think so low of themselves that they have to go out of their way to show they are something big. the transference part is the projection of thier own inadequecies onto those that they either love the most, are jealous of the most but not usually the ones they hate the most. it is a way of ridding themselves of the traits they don't like in themselves and a way of making others look bad so they automatically look good. sad really huh wink

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