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OH NO! Ds is starting to ask questions that i just don't know how to answer.

(6 Posts)
Mamazon Mon 04-Aug-08 10:55:13

as some of you know my ex was very violant. my DS witnessed most of it.

I left him about 4 years ago - he found us again but we have been properly free from him for about 2/3 years.

anyway, the children are currently seeing him once a month.

Ds has started asking me questions that i am just not sure how to answer. he has already been affected by what he has seen and i really dont want to make it worse.

the other day in the car we had a conversation and i just dont know the best way of handling it.....if it comes up again what shall i say?

DS - mum. was you and dad married?
Me- no.
Ds you must have been or how did you get me and DD.
ME - well you dont have to be married to have children, just so long as you love each other. its just better if you are married thats all.
DS - did you love dad then.
Me - yes.
Ds yeah but you dont like him now though.
ME - <<mumble sound>> ooh look a fire engine.

I was rubbish. but i honestly dont know whats the best way of handling it. my policy for awkward questions has always been to be as honest as you can.
but how can i be honest? how on earth can i say "no dear, actually i would quite enjoy it if a meteor collided with earth and landed right on your dads head.

HELP! i just know it is going to come up again and soon.

ellideb Mon 04-Aug-08 11:00:30

I always believe honesty is the best policy with children, if they are old enough to ask the question then they are old enough to hear the answer. It saves for a lot of trouble later if you build the blocks of open, honest and trusting communictaion now. Just explain in terms he will understand, be matter of fact and answer any questions he may have honestly. Ask him to repeat back what you have just told him so you know that he has understood you. Good luck .

Overmydeadbody Mon 04-Aug-08 11:05:32

I'd go for honesty without the brutally honest "no dear, actually i would quite enjoy it if a meteor collided with earth and landed right on your dads head" bit.

Explain how you grew apart and stopped loving him like he stopped liking something he liked when he was younger, that it's a different love from parent and child love, that it doesn't last forever?

Oh I don't know...it is actually complicated isn't it?

Mamazon Mon 04-Aug-08 11:06:35

that has always been my policy too Ellideb.

but to complicate things he is ASD so he has related social and behavioural problems already.

i want to be honest btu at the same time i don't want him to think that he can't talk to me about his father, what has happened in teh past or what may happen in the future.
Im worried that he has picked up on the fact that i don't like his father....im obviously a rubbish actress.

he has asked me before if i liked daddy. i lied and said yes of course. blush

misi Mon 04-Aug-08 12:14:01

as a man, I am disgusted by other men (and women sometimes too) that are violent towards their partner (or anyone really).
my ex was not physically violent but was very good at the mentally abusive stuff. luckily my son was only 18 months when we split so is (hopefully) unaffected by all that.
it is a difficult situation you are in. I agree with OMDB that you have to try to explain that although you did love his daddy enough one day, you now no longer love his daddy as much but that it is ok for him to love his daddy. I tell my son that if he wants to tell me anything or talk to me about anything then he can and it is between us and no one else and then leave it at that, never pushing him or anything. he does ask awkward questions sometimes about why his mummy says nasty things about me and why his granny said she wished I was dead, which I have struggled to answer (he is not quite 5 years old) but so far I hope I have done so without slagging his mum off at all. I boil inside that he is being subjected to this sort of treatment, but by being as honest as possible with him without putting his mum down or resorting to her tactics, that I am giving my son a solid grounding.

so maybe then the following next time???

DS - mum. was you and dad married?
Me- no.
Ds you must have been or how did you get me and DD.
ME - well you dont have to be married to have children, just so long as you love each other. its just better if you are married thats all.
DS - did you love dad then.
Me - yes.
Ds yeah but you dont like him now though.
ME - well I don't love your dad like I used to but that is no reason why you shouldn't love him. your father and I are just friends now, 2 people who have 2 wonderful children but live separate and different lives now but who both want the best for our children.

(hopefully that sort of thing should be enough to deflect his attention (till the next time grin )

misi Mon 04-Aug-08 12:21:03

forgot to add, children with ASD are usually very astute. they often pick up on more emotion than other children as this is one of the ways they communicate best so you have to be more aware of what you do unfortunately. honesty is certainly the best policy as long as you say things slowly (not speaking slowly, introducing ideas and concepts over a period of time I mean which I know you will understand what I mean with regard to children with ASD).
as I am sure you be aware of also, there are support and help groups out there for parents with ASD children, have you joined any of thoses forums for advice?

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