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Absolutely fucking suicidal

(104 Posts)
PurpleOne Mon 04-Aug-08 03:08:42

and I mean literally.

I cannot go on like this. Really.
I am bored of the dcs, eeven though I love them to bits, somebody else could give them a better life surely?
I am so fucking lonely. Every man I date has ishooos or wants sex.
Exh has moved on and is married now. He is ripping me off with maintenance. So much so, I am getting docked the money in my IS but he isnt paying it.
His wife is a cunt. And my kids tell me that too. She hits them, says things about mummy in front of them. Threatens to slap me. Devout religious the pair of them now.

My best mate and my parents fucked me off cause they all thought I was a shit mum, and my best mate told me so (in her married up, 3 bed house, 2 car, £1.300 Smeg fridge bubble)
I only told my mum not to smoke in here (1 year anniverasry coming up) My dad took her side...we have no other family left.
I have no mates left. The only ones left are enablers that I tell not to bring drink, and they still do. I am an alcoholic and have been for the past year or so. Been to AA, tried reduction, nothing works., Need a bloody detox but doctor wont offer it because I'm unsupported.

Falling behind with my OU courses. Always bloody working and can't afford childcare so means my kids are left to run riot and my house is wrecked by the end of the day. Then I try and clean it up.

There is no fucking solution. There is no support. My kids would be better off without me. All I ever do is work, clean up my house and get pissed. I try to go out on dates but exh wrecks it all cause the dd;s tell him....then arrives late.

I've been through DV without any counselling...and I think this is the root cause of it all...but I still want to die.
Can't be arsed anymore. Just totally fed up of being unloved, unwanted and unneeded. Criticised, moaned at and just being a shit person.

PurpleOne Mon 04-Aug-08 04:02:02

All I've done tonight is bloody cry and the tears just won't stop.

Am tempted just to walk up to the tube station and walk out in front of a passing train.

Words easy I know, but have done it before.

Took dd's to High School Musical last Weds, we had such a blast. DD2 got sick the last time we were there and we got free replacement tickets and in better seats.

I've taken pills before. AD's, Valium cocktails..it's peaceful.
I cant leave my kids like this but cannot go on anymore. Exh dont give a shit. Parents dont give a fuck. My brother died before I was born and my mum couldnt even tell me about him until I was 34. Although I 'knew'...just a hunch.

So why am I feeling so fucking bad?

Debt up to my eyeballs and creditors wont stop calling. Rent arrears. Kids have the food I buy, I hardly eat. All I buy is fags and beer.
House is a fucking tip

DivaSkyChick Mon 04-Aug-08 05:13:42

You still there?

DivaSkyChick Mon 04-Aug-08 05:15:24

Just in case... Suicide will destroy your kids. they won't get a "better life" from someone else - their mom will have killed herself and they will have to live with that forever.

You need some sleep, hon.

AMAZINWOMAN Mon 04-Aug-08 06:24:18

Have you tried speaking to the samaritans?
They won't take your problems away, but it does help speaking about your problems.

I know you feel suicidial, but once again, you have put your children first. That doesn't make you a shit Mum. You love your children too much to leave them.

Your family sound awful, (just like mine!) but at least you can be a better parent to your kids than they are to you. If your daughters were a single parent, you'd never just leave them to struggle.

What a charming friend! It's so easy to judge isn't it, when you have the perfect life.

its early, so I hope Im making sense.

Flightputsonahat Mon 04-Aug-08 06:47:37

P.O. just seen this. Are you Ok this morning

There is a way out of it because you're still here

Ok what you have got to do is sit down and take stock. That is hard with a head full of booze so cut it out.
You have to be really brave.

You've got to think about what you've got left.
This is hard to face but once you do it head-on you will be surprised at how much it doesn't hurt.

Support is useful but you've got us anyway even if we talk sh*t wink
Think what you've got - your self. Your body. Your children are still with you.

Everyone else can fuck right off.
You really are in charge here.

I found I was being a shit mother because my whole family expected it. They wanted to feel superior and like I needed them and would fail without them. So I played that part.

One day I realised I was furious with them. I moved away - just a bit further - and told them in my head, to fuck off as I was going to be a good mother.

It made them kick off but it made me see I have the choice.

Work with what you got and be respectful to yourself. It is an absolute instant hit, you will be so much higher up in yourself.

It isn't hopeless and you just gotta turn it round - deal with the shit you have to, nobody can stop you - might take a few tries honey. But don't let them get you down. x

MsDemeanor Mon 04-Aug-08 07:11:01

HI, how old are your children?
Can we help you break down your problems here? Find a CAB to help you with your debts and get the creditors off your back, for example?
Can you get your OU course deferred? It sounds as if you are expecting too much from yourself.
Also, lonely as you are, you don't sound as if you are in the right place emotionally to find a decent man. Can you not maybe go back to AA for support. I am sure everyone there has struggled with relapses. Do you have a mentor/buddy?
Are any of your colleagues friends?
You have lots of successes in your life. YOu are no longer in an abusive relationship, you stood up to your parents (who sound very controlling, which is probably why you ended up with a controlling husband), you have beautiful children that you are a single parent to, and a job. That's a huge list of achievements. So you can succeed, and you can succeed in dealing with the drink issues and get yourself in a healthy frame of mind. YOur children need you too - you are their protector and refuge.

noddyholder Mon 04-Aug-08 07:38:23

Please get some help you sound as though you need help to stop drinking and someone to maybe take your children temporarily while you get sorted.There is so much anger in your post and this will affect them.Real mates don't try to ruin an attempt at recovery so cut them from your life.What is your doctor like?

noddyholder Mon 04-Aug-08 07:39:27

Stop going on dates when you are in no fit state.

myhandle Mon 04-Aug-08 07:47:18

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, you immediately posted to me with support so I hope I can offer you the same.

You will get past this, your doctor if you can confide in will be able to help you with medication re the alcoholism and referral for counselling, get out the yellow pages and start ringing all help lines you feel will help, there will be someone who will understand all you are coping with, and you are coping, working, doing a course house and children, all unsupported, you are strong, you will get through this, you just cannot see the wood for the tree's.

Don't think about tomorrow, just concentrate on today, so what the house gets destroyed, will still be there tomorrow.

Please go see your doc, your kids need you and will be proud of you no matter what.

xxx

myhandle Mon 04-Aug-08 07:52:34

Me again,

Just found this, no idea if it works but has good feedback for helping people to cut down on alcohol

http://www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk/kudzu-information.html

xxx

allgonebellyup Mon 04-Aug-08 09:28:20

PO please dont do anything stupid - i am in exactly the same position as you - was feeling suicidal yesterday/last night, my ex who i still love has had a baby with someone else.
i live next to the train station and when i am like this, i constantly think of just going there and stepping out in front of a train.
im also falling behind in my OU courses, badly, so my plan of becoming a teacher may never happen.

Please, you are so not alone. I am here, for one. Plus a lot of others on here.

Please see the Citizens advice about sorting your debt, they are there to help. Maybe going back on the ADs will help you, they are helping me this year.

Please post soon?

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 04-Aug-08 09:39:51

PO it sounds like a mixture of everything has just got on top of you.

((hugs))

fwiw I think you need a good sleep and some food,

agree with seeing CAB to get your finances in order, Also get to the job centre & talk to your lone advisor about the CSA and maint form your ex - or CAB.

if the wife is like that with the children tbh I wouldn't have her around my son, how is their dad with them? def wouldn't tolerate the wife doing that thou she has no right.

Your children need you, just think about them and where they'd be without you. things are hard, and I know you're having a shitty time of things right now, but we can get you thru this.

Get back to your dr and tell him exactly what you've told us - get on some sort of programmes - either AA or concilling. as others have said, you've come so far already - leaving an abusive X. it's hard starting over it really is and not knowing anyone.

your 'friend' if u ask me just wanted to make u feel worse about yourself - (she prob has issues of her own tbh)

perhaps if you can cut back on your beers, and try some food? the smoking - for now in some ways is the lesser of 2 evils.

do you live by any of us? we're all here for you to talk to.

allg - (((hugs))) to you as well.

allgonebellyup Mon 04-Aug-08 10:05:35

oh god, i missed the bit about your ex's wife hitting your kids.
That HAS to stop. Can you stop all the visits for the time being?
Something has to be done!

batters Mon 04-Aug-08 10:18:06

Please get help. Go back to the dr's. Refuse to leave until s/he understands how desperate you are.

Your friends whom you no longer see and your parents may have been trying to help you. It must be difficult for them to see you as a alcholic struggling with your children.

Ate Mon 04-Aug-08 10:40:54

FFS! Our society is a total let down when it comes to alcohol problems and motherhood. Or fatherhood.

My dad had an alcohol problem and committed suicide. I loved him. I was an adult when he did it yet I can tell you now, your children need and love and need and bloody love you PO.

Did I feel responsible for his alcoholism? Did I carry that? No.

His death? His need to bugger off? The fact there was nothing (no-one) worth hanging around for? Yes.

Your children do not view you through the eyes of the general population, alcoholism is an alien issue to them. Above and beyond it you are their mum, you are everything.

You will recover because you and they are deserving of that and in the meantime, you are no worse than many of us that struggle or have felt lonelyness for all sorts of stigmas reasons.

kodathekat Mon 04-Aug-08 12:29:08

Hello purpleone

i joined mumsnet 5 mins ago so I could say 'big hugs babe, you are not alone', Ive been feeling bloody awful all weekend.

I'm on my own. My few friends are sick of hearing about it, you can see their eyes glazing over if I start talking about how I feel. No one rings me up to ask if I'm all right, not even my family. They don't live nearby, my xh's do, and whilst they are still friendly, blood is totally thicker than water. I have no one to turn to, i'm really bloody lonely and sick of having to be responsible for absolutely bloody everything. And my 2 DCs worship their Dad and his brilliant new girlfriend.

This isn't meant to sound like my entry in the 'how shit is your life' competition, but after xh rolled up (late) to collect DC's this morning, I felt I'd reached such a low point, I turned on mumsnet to see if there was anyone in the same boat as me. I'd love to run away, I often feel like everyone would be better off without me and no one would care, but I know deep down that's my depression speaking and I mustn't listen.

I hope you are feeling a bit better this afternoon. Sending you lol and positive thoughts xx

Tortington Mon 04-Aug-08 12:36:18

one small step for man - one giant lap for mindking
do something small - decompartmentalise things.

1) go t CAB get financial advice.

2) do a cleaning rota - and do something small every day.

misi Mon 04-Aug-08 12:49:50

purpleone, I have an inkling to how you feel. I seriously thought about this some time ago due to circumstances building up. the one thing that got me through? knowing my son would be condemned to a life with his mother with no contact with his pateranl family if anything happened to me!! you may feel that you are a worthless mother, I KNOW YOU ARE NOT. no parent is worthless unless they go out of their way to be so and I somehow doubt that you will be like that purely for the reason that you have posted this message and so want help and that you are a member of mumsnet anyway which means you must want the best for your kids? do you want your kids to live full time with their dad and the abusive new wife? No I didn't think so. I am lucky in that I have a very surportive family who won't leave me alone (there is no pulling out hair smiley on here so I will just have to write it!!)
there is a local network on here I believe where you can contact local MN'ers. the first step is to make a small step, make contact with someone, and then with someone else and then it will be a bit easier to take a bit bigger step in sorting out what is going on around you. talk to someone please purpleone. I don't know how this site works completely yet but if you want to talk by e mail, or phone, then I am sure somehow details can be got to you??????

Countingthegreyhairs Mon 04-Aug-08 13:07:43

Purple ONe - just saw this and couldn't go past without posting. Hope you are oK.

I saw that actress, John Thaw's wife on TV the other day, she's really great, what's her name?? Oh yes, Sheila Hancock.

Anyway, she said that she decided after her dh died and life was pretty crap, that she could "survive badly" or "survive well". Sorry if that sounds "too easy" but I thought it was a great philosophy. Life can be horrible. You can't change some elements of that. But maybe - given more support - you could change how you react to it.

What Flightputsonahat's says about taking control is brilliant advice. It sounds as though you need some help first to get to that point though.

Can you get some counselling? Honestly, you need some professional support. Go and see a registered psychologist who specialises in treating addictions. Ask if they take the occasional client free of charge. Go and rattle some cages until you get the support you need.

Really crap mothers don't care about the effect their behaviour is having on their dc. You wouldn't have bothered posting if you were a crap mother.

Good luck x

prettyfly1 Mon 04-Aug-08 13:23:22

purple one are you about today please. Lots of worried people here?

Ih ope your ok lovey -= my dad is an alchoholic just celebrated one year dry. it can be done but if he had killed himself i would never have forgiven myself.

lots of solid advise hear so ill leave it there but check back in and let us know your ok!

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 04-Aug-08 14:56:07

bumping to see if the purple one is around??

zippitippitoes Mon 04-Aug-08 15:01:57

just saying hello

sorry you are so down

gillybean2 Mon 04-Aug-08 15:36:25

PurpleOne come back. We're meant to be arranging to go and see Mamamia, remember!

Cheer us all up, or at least distract us for an hour or so if nothing else...

Your children need you. You can't leave them to their dad and his slap happy girlfriend now can you!

I was feeling similar myself last night, wanted to call someone just to hear a voice on the other end but who!? I would feel too guilty calling the samaritans when I'd be blocking the phone lines for someone else who needed to get through. But can't think of any other help line to call!

And now I feel worse coz my other post set you off feeling unhappy too. You need to come back coz I need you to come to cinema with me and Tinkerbel6. Can you get to Lakeside from that train station?! Will take me about an hour to drive there.

lilmissmummy Mon 04-Aug-08 15:44:38

A sweetie- sending big hugs to you!

You need to take it one step at a time. Defer or cancel your OU course. Insist you XP and bitchface his wife only see the children through a contact centre. Go back to AA. Hassle the doctor. Then tackle the other problems!!!

YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS just take it one step at a time.

I really hope you are ok.

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