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xp now demanding 4 nights a week because i am in a lesbian relationship Can he??

(29 Posts)
jellyjelly Sat 02-Aug-08 14:02:39

Have been split from my x dp for just over 2 yrs as he had an affair and choose to leave us.

When we split he wanted to have one week on and one week on as his bi polar girlfriend has that with her son.

DS obviously missed him but sees him every other weekend ie Friday and Saturday night and i have to pick him up and drop him off each time (Sometimes he picks him up from club when he can or school on the friday). I offered when we split an evening too as well as every other weekend as i have tried to promote the relationship and he ds needs his dad.

Now he has found out by questioning my son that i am now in a relationship with a woman.

DS has accepted this without any questions and seems alot happier than i did when i was dating blokes. He doesnt think there is anything wrong with it.

X called last night and said that he was very uneasy and is upset that he doesnt have any male influence from my side - He sees my dad - grandad and other male teachers/playworkers at after school. He now wants to change the arrangement because of this.

X now wants to have ds for Thursday night, taking him to school, then picking him up on Friday, FRiday night, saturday night and maybe sunday night to start...... He was very clear that this was to start. He said that if he wasnt happy then he would stop it but once you start it is very hard to stop. He also wants ds to make the choice not us.

I dont want him to have this as we have been settled for 2 yrs so why now should we distrubt him as he wants to be the male influence. He drinks alot, smokes alot and i have been told by my son that he has left him alone when his dad went to the shops/macdonalds. He also frequently wants him dropped off to the pub too on the friday night.

What can i do? Can i just say no? I dont want to stop contact. I have said that I will think about it. I also rely on the maintenance that he pays - i am on a low income with a high mortgage. I would also lose my tax credits and child benefit too.

What can i do ? Thought please, am really worried.

lou33 Sat 02-Aug-08 14:04:06

say no to him, he cant force you to do anything

WideWebWitch Sat 02-Aug-08 14:06:30

Just say no. He'll have to go to court if he wants it that much. It's none of his damn business what you do or who you sleep with. Ds isn't old enough to have the choice and it's unfair to even ask him to make a decision, he's a child and should safely know that thew adul;ts sort this stuff out.

Your ex sounds like a tosser. Stand your ground.

Hassled Sat 02-Aug-08 14:10:28

Just say no. Tell him you'll see him in court if he wants to contest the existing access arrangements. Things have been fine for 2 years, it sounds like you've been very accommodating and now he wants to change things purely on the basis of your sexual orientation? He would be laughed out of court. I really would call his bluff on this one.

jellyjelly Sat 02-Aug-08 14:26:15

what baout if he then wants him for thur/fri/sat/sun one week like evry other week. Do you still think i am being reasonable to say no?

pinkyp Sat 02-Aug-08 14:37:16

why dont u suggest something else like fri and sat and maybe one night in the middle of the week?

charliecat Sat 02-Aug-08 14:38:42

Really just say no.
Were you married?
DOes he have PR?
He may make you feel intimidated, scared, worried etc, but you have final say. If he turn up at the door making a nuisance over it ring the police.
Still say no to the thur/fri/sat/sun. You will lose an amount of benefits if he has then over a certain amount of time. Check to see what it is and dont go over it.

IllegallyBrunette Sat 02-Aug-08 14:41:01

If you and Ds are happy with things the way they are then leave things as they are.

Xp's reason for wanting to change things is ridiculous and you'd be quite within your rights to tell him to f**k off imo.

ShyBaby Sat 02-Aug-08 14:43:38

Why should it matter whether you are in a relationship with a man, woman or noone?

From what you say, your ex set contact to suit himself because of his own relationship commitments, now he thinks that should all change? Its an excuse. Male influence? If you slept with a different man every night would that count as a "male influence?" hmm.

I wouldn't say that wanting to see his child more was a bad thing per se, but deciding this because you are dating a woman? Rubbish, your ex chose the original arrangment despite your offer of more contact and he should now be sticking to it if that's what your ds is happy and secure with.

Unless you were putting your child in danger then he has no right to dictate on who you choose to have a relationship with.

ilovemydog Sat 02-Aug-08 14:48:32

Just tell him, 'I don't make an issue of your girlfriend being bipolar, don't make an issue of me being a lesbian...'

edam Sat 02-Aug-08 14:52:59

he's blustering. Tell him to eff off and take his nasty prejudices with him.

jellyjelly Sat 02-Aug-08 15:44:38

Thankyou, i was really worrying as he has already asked him about ds coming for more.

Good idea pinky pin will suggest.

If he has ds much more ie like a few more nights then we will be able to pay less maintenace and before anyone says anything no it isnt just about the money but it is a big factor as we are getting by at the moment not that i think ds will be better with him as i dont think he will be.

I dont think it would be a bad things him seeing his dad more but he struggles to actually call him/see his school reports or provide anything additional health wise for our son as well as providing his house address/contact details for the school in case of any accidents.

jellyjelly Sat 02-Aug-08 15:45:23

We were not married, ds has his name but not sure about pr to be honest. How do you know if he does. WE have never been to court.

lou33 Sat 02-Aug-08 15:51:30

is he named on the bc as his father?

jellyjelly Sat 02-Aug-08 16:07:31

yes he is on the bc.

ilovemydog Sat 02-Aug-08 16:09:44

If he is on the birth certificate only means that he can apply for parental rights. It is not automatic

jellyjelly Sat 02-Aug-08 16:11:36

So what is the main difference with having it or not? Can i say no?

lou33 Sat 02-Aug-08 17:53:32

it is automatic if the child was born after a certain year i thnk

Tinkerbel6 Sun 03-Aug-08 11:50:05

jellyjelly sounds like your son was born before 2003 so your ex doesn't have automatic PR, if he wanted it he would have to go to court to get it. If your ex has your son 4 nights per week then he is the parent with care and you will lose all benefits and maintenance, in fact he could come to your for maintenance, put your foot down and refuse his requests and tell him to stop using your son as a pawn angry

Flightputsonahat Sun 03-Aug-08 11:59:28

Your son sounds happy and settled. This alone says to me that things should stay as they are...perhaps bring up the drinking and smoking as well if he gets pushy. This sounds far worse than your son having an extra female around hmm

Anyway as someone said, when you were not dating there was also no male influence as he puts it, he's obv got a bee in his bonnet about your son growing up 'odd' if his mum demonstrates a healthy and happy homosexual relationship. People can be very ignorant and odd about things like this. Prob thinks sone will turn into a 'poof' or something.

Take no notice smile

jellyjelly Sun 03-Aug-08 12:46:09

he was born at the very begining of 03.

Thanks all for not bashing me. I was worried about him being the parent with care as its not the best interest for my son.

Fow what its worth he would lose far more than he would gain benefit wise maybe about 50 per month. Then i could use the line he does' i pay maintenance why should i have to pay for anything else'?

ElenorRigby Sun 03-Aug-08 13:31:22

You wouldnt lose your CB or tax credits. If your ex pays through the CSA you would get a small reduction for additional overnights.

jellyjelly Sun 03-Aug-08 13:41:58

if he has him 4 nights a week then i would.

ElenorRigby Sun 03-Aug-08 14:13:45

sorry I for some reason he wanted 4 nights every second week

Flightputsonahat Sun 03-Aug-08 15:46:52

Beginning of 03 is cool, mine was May 03 and his father isn't entitled to automatic PR - it came in in Dec that year I think smile

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