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I am seriously in a bad way, dont want to die but have forgot how to live.

(22 Posts)
myhandle Sat 02-Aug-08 01:16:07

I have never been on this site before and I apologise if my post seems woe is me etc but I am finding it so hard to have reasons to stay on this planet, I love life and people which must seem a very strange thing to say given my subject title, I am not depressed, I don't think so anyway but I am beaten down and see no end to the pain and hardship, I apologise for the length I think this post will be.

I left my husband of 16 years two years ago, I was still in love with him and him apparently with me but his actions told me different, to cut a long story short it was extreme domestic violence, but rarely physical, I could have fought back if it were, the mental stuff was worse to me as no one would belive it,could see it, I became a shadow of my former self and almost went mad, was all my fault off course, never his.

We have children, one who has special needs, I left and so he decided none of us existed any more, fought me tooth and nail to not pay maintenance, I was awarded it for kids and he has played the system well, pays, does not pay etc.

In these two years I have not had one break away from house nor kids, they are teens but as special needs teen will not engage with another person, we seem to have falen through the cracks of professionals, I have been very vocal but as he will not engage it seems the prof are finding it difficult so we have been left to cope alone.

Ex since separation has moved some woman he met online rent our family home, I got her evicted but it took time and stress I did not need, all me and kids personal possessions have disappeared, I had no bank account so the sale of two properties we owned went into his bank account but he pleaded poverty in court, I have to live on single parent allowance and pay for private rental house with maintanence, he now I found out this week married another woman (pagan wedding at cost of ?500) last year even though we are not legally separated, they are now living in family home, he has barely contacted either child in 2 years, has not seen them in 2 years, has been informed by text and e mail about accidents and diagnosis etc but no reply but can contact when he does not pay maintenence to save his own ass, last August this fake wedding took place and he did not pay any maintenance as courts here are closed for whole of August, he apparently only knew this woman a short time and I only found out about it this week and I howled like a demonic woman, I did confront him by text but he denied it, I have concrete evidence.

For 2 years I have been at home 23 hours per day and I cannot take this way of life anymore, I really can't, he could just forget about his kids and get a new life whilst mine is non existant, I have no friends, nor family here and I am in a desperate state, I cannot see my life changing ever,

I want the world to know what a bad bastard he was and still is to me and the kids but it looks like that will never happen, I have been left with nothing, no work life, no social life, no love life and I am bone tired and weary now, he gave me a life of hell and left me with a life of hell and no one knows the real him as he changes to suit who ever he is with.

I am not now a lone parent, I am an alone parent, a lonely parent, a parent who cannot give up but canot see how the hell I can carry on, another bank holiday weekend and I will not see nor speak to anyone unless I go to shops and I hate this life and so sorry for the woe is me post.

Dragonbutter Sat 02-Aug-08 01:27:35

Hi, welcome to mumsnet.
Unfortunately things here are a bit slower after midnight.
It's definitely worth bumping your thread tomorrow when there's more people about.
I'm so sorry you're having such a crappy time.
Somebody with more experience of similar situations will be along soon.

CurrantBM Sat 02-Aug-08 01:38:30

myhandle, just to let you know there is another mnetter, "Humanbean" sounding pretty much like you, her DH only left about 7 weeks ago, much of what you say is being echoed by you.

Try and find her threads by typing "humanbean" into the search section under nicknames, and you will find her.

Welcome to mumsnet.

CurrantBM Sat 02-Aug-08 01:40:23

echoed by her.

(must go to bed, or at least preview!)

PurpleOne Sat 02-Aug-08 02:49:42

Hi MH and warm welcome to Mumsnet.

Just want you to know that I am a survivour of DV. He wasn't physical until the last few months which gave me the kick up the backside I needed to leave. I left him 6 years ago and life is so much better now. Only stayed with him 2 years but my body and mind reacted so violently (I got really sick, really quick) but after he pulverised my kids, I mustered the strength.

You are not alone.

Just wanted to send you gentle hugs your way really.
You are doing brilliantly. Your post shows so much courage and strength.

Have you ever thought about social services? For at least some respite in the day?. They gave me 4 hours a week after my breakdown, so I used that for my counselling appts and time alone with friends.

One peice of advice. Just do one thing a day 'just for you'. Coffee and a newspaper, or a manicure..or a hot bubbly bath? Those things really got me through the hardest times...and we moved 250 miles to be away from him.

Please keep posting.
Much love x x

myhandle Sat 02-Aug-08 09:42:18

Thank you for responding, I am usually upbeat and try and keep busy but this is the toughest road I have ever been on, I threatened to go public as was begging the services for help and support and getting nowhere, took them 4 months to hold this big meeting and only 2 professionals turned up, no one who had a clue re my child's disability was there, they are putting together a plan to find someone and train them to come into the home but if he will not engage then its back to square one and I know I will be left alone again and thats what is getting me down.

PurpleOne I know exactly about the body's reaction, I spent so damn long walking on egg shells that when I did eventually leave I almost went to pieces and my body reacted very badly, severe eczema, arthritis, migraine, lost 3 stone in weight, that bit was great, my biggest problem is I wear this mask for the outside world, smile, chatty etc, I asked my GP for help as cannot sleep, nerves wrecked and she said I was not depressed enough, could not sleep as I was under huge stress and she understood that, told me to try relaxation sessions, I rarely cry but I walked home with tears streaming down my face.

I have been waiting 2 years for legal aid to get a solicitor to fix this mess, all my years of input in marriage financial and otherwise and I and children have been left with nothing whilst he gets to live free life with no responsibility, I am so angry, so damn angry, I know he is a worthless, useless pathetic individual who can never accept responsibility for anything he did to me or children, he was very violent to child with disability but there is no punishment in any shape or form, I used to believe in karma but looks to me like it does not exist, used to have faith but lost it.

All I want is legal end to marriage, help and support with my child, a life outside this house, and adult company. Thanks again

csi Sat 02-Aug-08 10:04:19

Hi my handle

Wow i so feel your pain.My h and i have have had a turbelant few years.And he left on tuesday. I found out he'd been texting woman. Has done this in past too. His had my mobile stopped. And im on the recieving end of the silence. He has not contacted me.

So i feel so cut off. I have no 'real' friends. I have friends that live mikes away that we stay in contact by text. So with out my phone i feel so isolated.

I have a child with sn too.

I have been here before with h so i know what im in for. And its only been a few days and i feel empty and raw. So i can only imagine what 2 years of this would feel like.

Keep talking it helps xxx

NotDoingTheHousework Sat 02-Aug-08 10:13:27

Message withdrawn

BBBee Sat 02-Aug-08 10:16:30

hello myhandle

do stick around because I have found it to be amazingly supportive and good fun here.

Have you spoken to your GP about your feelings?

Am not knowledgable but there are lots around who are.

Wanted to say hello.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BBBee Sat 02-Aug-08 10:24:43

I think there is a really nice group on the special needs section - am going to post on there linking to here for you.

Tinkerbel6 Sat 02-Aug-08 10:35:31

myhandle I think you need to start chasing some people up , start with SS (cant they provide you with a support worker )and then legal aid, go and open yourself a bank account, that in itself will give you a little bit of independence, as for your ex he had sone you a huge favour and he is now someone elses problem, when you eventually get everything sorted you will feel happy with what you have achieved all by yourself.

AMAZINWOMAN Sat 02-Aug-08 15:13:23

is it possible for you to do things in Septmeber when kids are back in school?

A course or voluntary work, something just for you?

myhandle Sat 02-Aug-08 18:50:21

Hi everyone and I want to say I am overwhelmed with your kindness to a stranger, I really was in such a bad way last night and early hours of this morning so thank you all.

I live in Ireland so law is bit different over here and so is social welfare, I am from UK and really want to go home but son will not go out the house, hardly comes out of his bedroom, is a nightmare to cope with but he is my child and as much as he is a battle, I love him so much but get not a kind word in return, he has a form of Autism and being over 6ft tall there is only so much he will listen to etc, I have family in UK but cannot get over as have no one at all to stay with son, my other child also has life of hell because of this, he has no life either as he will not leave me on my own, it feels like I waited all these years to get courage to escape marriage and boom I am in worse state as I cannot leave this situation, I feel robbed of a normal life, of adult human company, it does feel as if I have absolutely nothing left to live for but thats only me thinking aloud cause I cannot see this changing and I want to scream the place down as I feel hard done by then I feel ok again, emotions are fecked at the minute.

I applied for college degree starting in September, passed the interview but how I can go, I do not know, if I do not get the support in the home to let me out, I am 48 and during down times think what is the point but at others I am really looking forward to it.

Biggest regret is all the wasted years with a psycho, thats the only word I can use to describe that man, it is beyond me how someone can be a street angel and house devil and get away with it, I feel such a damn fool as I allowed it, I moved country with him and had no bank account even, for 5 years, how pathetic was I, he had the car, went for the shopping, decided whether I smoked or not depending on his mood, whether we ate or not depending on our behaviour, would remove the main fuse from electrics and take to work with him and we would be left totally isolated till he decided to return, password protected the computer so we could not use it, even rigged up phone so that any convesations I did have were recorded, that was my life for many many years but I seem to be stuck whilst he just forgot about us and had his freedom, knew I would have no life hence his non contact of kids, not that they would entertain the thought of seeing him at all but guess who gets the teenage angst and testosterone, moi, crazy isn't it.

I keep telling myself I want justice but deep down maybe its revenge, I dont know anymore as I cannot think straight, it is so evil the things he has done to us from afar and continues to do so, I will chase up the legal aid board or get a law book and instigate proceedings myself if I have to, feeling powerless is awful.

Thanks again to all who wrote, I really appreciate it xxx

AMAZINWOMAN Sat 02-Aug-08 19:09:25

You found the courage to leave a controlling bully. That doesn't sound pathetic to me.

Is there a course you can do at home while your son is in the house?

samaritans are good for "screaming" to, and for letting off steam. OK they can't change your situation, but sometimes it is even better to talk to someone than write it all down

slightlycrumpled Sat 02-Aug-08 19:30:03

hello myhandle,

I'm glad you have got some comfort from the lovely posters.

It is also worth posting on the special needs section of the board. There are some mums there who can give brilliant advice on dealing with and obtaining help for you and your son.

You actually sound incredibly strong, what a brave woman you are!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinySocks Sat 02-Aug-08 21:18:08

My heart goes out to you. You are SUCH a courageous woman, to have been completely dominated by this man and been able to take off with your sons, it takes guts, determination and so much strength.
Thank God this horrible person is out of your life. You are going through a terrible test of life, but please don’t give up.
If you are originally from the UK then could you maybe go back and try to get help from the services there? There are plenty of mums on the special needs forum (living in the UK) who have children with autism and could give you advice.
I also recall reading some posts on the Relationship forum from woman who have escaped horrible relationships and have found help with local women’s organizations, maybe you could post on there?
Good luck with everything. (I will be praying for your tonight xx)

myhandle Sat 02-Aug-08 21:52:41

Hi again, I would love to go home but our circumstances do not allow it at present, I have asked the powers that be to help me but the law states that my son cannot be forced to see anyone do anything or go anywhere, thats the reality, he cannot cross the threshold at all, he had a relatively normal life, was going to school etc until he fell apart after all that went on with his Dad, its his way of protecting himself, he was on medication for anxety when we left family home but he took the lot, I found him lying on the floor and he was sent home from casualty after becoming loud and abusive, he could not walk in a straight line due to medication he took but they had no child beds anywhere, made me write that I took full responsibility for his safety even after he told the duty psych that he would do it again, thats why I cannot leave the house for long, just in case.

If the family house was sold and we had our share I would go straight home but he would have to be chemically knocked out or I would have a nervous breakdown in public due to how he can get, he told the psych he was a paedophile, has no fear of speaking his mind.

I think I will have to go public to get the help that is needed for us all as if I get ill, there is no one who could take my kids, I will go onto the Special Needs board now and thank you all.


amber32002 Sat 02-Aug-08 21:58:43

It takes massive courage and endurance to survive an abusive relationship. You did what you had to so that you could get through it in one piece. Never think badly of yourself for that.

You could do with support, and lots of it. The people on the special needs thread are lovely and I'm sure we'd all support you there as well. Do drop in.

Help: You may have thought of this already, but the Irish Autism group may be able to help you find a support group for you or your son or both?

As someone who has Asperger syndrome and is married to a man with the same thing, I know we can be bad at showing that we care. We just don't always know the right signals for it. We do care, though, and your son cares about you a lot even if he can't find the ways to show it. You need others who can be there for you. I hope we can.

ANTagony Sat 02-Aug-08 22:01:45

Have you tried caring for carers?

I don't know the Irish system I'm afraid but you need time to yourself and to live. Might be worth a try.

lucylue Sat 02-Aug-08 22:03:17

its a good idea tinysocks.
really, are there any local women's organizations?
they can help you in many ways.

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