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Advice please!

(3 Posts)
maggiemae Fri 01-Aug-08 18:22:09

My Ex and I split up 7 years ago. When it came to care of our DD we sat down and worked it out together wanting what was best for DD. Over the years the care for DD devolved into DD spending an equal amount of time with us both. Up until last July DD spent 4 nights a week with me and 3 nights a week with my Ex. We split the weekends so that one weekend she was with me Friday night and went to Ex's on Saturday evening, the next I had her from the Saturday evening and all day Sunday and Sunday Night. My Ex didn't like the idea of full weekends as he wanted to see her for part of every weekend.

We had aways said that DD would only be introuduced to new partners when the relationship was serious I took that to mean a good few months -DD met my then new partner after I'd been seeing him for 9 months - I didn't want to rush things. Due to distance and new partner being unable to move up here and me refusing to move down to him - didn't want DD to not see her Dad as regularly as she does we broke up.

Last July Ex met someone. Obviously when someone is in a new relationship they want to spend as much time with them as possible. Ex's new partner at first was just a friend and Ex would take DD out on trips etc with this woman and her DS who is same age as DD. Ex told me it had gotton serious and that she was still living with her DH. I was then informed due to her living arrangements and that due to the fact the last direct bus to our town was at 6pm on a friday and Ex didn't want new partner to have to rush for it that we would have to change the weekend arrangements so that I did every Saturday night and Sundays. This I agreed to. Ex's New partners DH moved out end of August and my Ex didn't think it was a problem for my DD to stay over and the new partners house the weekend after her DH had moved out. I was worried about how DD might feel plus had visions of the jilted DH turning up drunk to kick 7 bales out of my Ex so told him no way. He agreed to this. I later found out that DD went to stay over night 3 weeks later.

Ex now decided that we should do every other weekend with DD as obviously it made more sense for him being in a new relationship. Due to plans he had with new partner this meant I did 3 out of 4 weekends in the first month of this. Both Ex and I have been very flexible in how DD is looked after. I did ask for a change in weekends when a old friend was flying into the UK - hadn't seen him for years and he was only here for 4 days. Unfortunately Ex's new partner had planned something and I was told you can always see your friend another time.

After Xmas things settled down DD spends most of the weekends she's with my Ex at his new partners home and seems happy to do this. DD and I bumped into her in town even though I went over and said hello after DD ran over I was informed I'd dragged DD away after blanking her.

In Febuary I was asked to put in writing all planned time off I had as Ex and his new partner were planning a family holiday during the summer hols. This I did. 3 weeks ago I was informed that this planned holiday wasn't coming off as they were both skint. My Ex is on benefits and new partner is struggling since her DH left apparently.

Last night I contacted an old friend who lives in London if she'd like to met up with DD and I in the first week of my 2 weeks off work I planned to take DD with me and visit somewhere she's always wanted to go then go due to going away the week after it was to be a day trip. I rang my Ex today to ask what plans he had - I didn't mention my plans as he informed me that his new partner is off work that week and the family holiday is going ahead they've not booked anything yet but are doing so even though it might end up meaning DD misses the first two days of a planned holiday with all my family the week after!!

I work full time and with my job is hard to get time off for school hols etc as we all want it so I could say cancel that week and have next week off as people are already off. I just feel that I've been backed into a corner as if DD doesn't go then I'm the one stopping her I'm the one painted in the black again. If DD doesn't go the holiday is still going ahead. I just feel that once again I'm backed into a corner by this hole situation. I have been flexible and always will be but right now I just feel like sh*t. The next time I'll be able to have a week off in the school hols is Blinking February. I will have a day or so over Xmas and October half term.

I know I'm just going to have to give in and agree over this holiday as if I don't then I'm just unreasonable and a dictator in some peoples eyes. Tonight my DD was supposed to be with me but apparently his new partner has made plans - I as told last night about this but agreed to the change...

Thanks for allowing me to rant!

kittycats Fri 01-Aug-08 19:31:09

DON'T give in! if you have made plans and your ex changes his plans then thats his problem NOT yours!
If you allow ex to do this once he will do it again and again.
I did this, put up with 2 yrs of ex turning up whenever he wanted, changing plans at a minutes notice etc and as soon as i said no ive got plans ex and his family said i was trying to cause trouble and it had never been a problem before etc.It causes more problems in the long run.

GrumpyMoo Fri 01-Aug-08 19:36:46

Poor you! You have my heartfelt sympathies. Have been where you are now. It's not pretty but you have to stand your ground, being reasonable but firm the whole time so you don;t get accused of being shouty and uncooperative. It has taken me 4 years to get a little balance in the 'relationship' I have with my exh. Hopefully it won't take you that long as you sound more than capable of being articulate and positive in what you do and don;t want.

Good luck. Chin up.

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