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Just hit me that i'm going to a wedding tomorrow and will be all alone in the crowd...

(35 Posts)
gillybean2 Fri 01-Aug-08 10:02:19

Had sort of forgotten this. Not because I'm forgetful, but because my friend and her husband got married back in June and are having the party this weekend.

But it's not just a party. They are also having their spiritualist ceremony and what they regard as their proper wedding (other was legal one at registry office).

Hadn't really thought about it much till last night when I was feeling a bit down. But here I am rememebring what it's like to be the only one not part of a couple and how completely isolating it can be and horrible when everyone else is teasing their partners in silly little lovely ways, and holding each other and basically being happy and in love. Really drives it home what I haven't got and what I would really love to have.

I'm happy for them really I am. They've been together years and decided to get married for the children and ensuring if anything happened to one of them the other would be 'safe' in the eyes of the law regarding children and property etc. But my friend has really got into it and we all thought she wasn't the kind. She was saying how nice it is to be Mrs X and being all girly and excited about the whole thing.

And no there will be no nice single ushers etc there for me to meet the man of my dreams or anything as romantic as that. It's not that kind of wedding at all. We have to bring our own chairs and everything! Think I'll be retreating to my tent a lot

How to stop being so miserable and deal with being the only one on my own as usual! I know they don't do it on purpose, but it does feel like being stabbed with a knife and I can't afford to allow myself to get depressed at this point.

I haven't even thought about what I might wear up until this point. That's how to the back of my mind I put it!

Ledodgy Fri 01-Aug-08 10:04:02

Could you not bring another friend for some moral support?

gillybean2 Fri 01-Aug-08 10:13:58

I only have two friends. One who's wedding it is, the other will be there with her husband...

Ledodgy Fri 01-Aug-08 10:19:01

Well i'm sure it will be fine not all the couples will stick together all night. I know dp and I definately don't when we're out. have a few drinks and enoy yourself.

'everyone else is teasing their partners in silly little lovely ways, and holding each other and basically being happy and in love'

This is also a very romantic few of coupledom i bet it won't be like that at all, well maybve with the bride and groom but I doubt everyone else will be.

OrmIrian Fri 01-Aug-08 10:24:29

"is teasing their partners in silly little lovely ways, and holding each other and basically being happy and in love"

Replace that with 'everyone is largely ignoring their partners, talking to other people, nagging at them or sulking, and being generally fed up with each other' and you'll probably be more accurate. grin

I agree with ledodgy - I don't think most couples are like that most of the time no matter how much they love each other.

gillybean2 Fri 01-Aug-08 10:40:50

They were acting this way last time we went out together (me being the only single one) and I got so upset about it that I had to leave the room and hid in the toilets for ages. Maybe it's my percepetion of it but it seems to be everywhere I look.

And I don't drink and wouldn't be able to even if I did as I have to drive home afterwards.

MsDemeanor Fri 01-Aug-08 10:46:11

Think you have a very rose-tinted view of married couples tbh! Ime at any kind of party, women hardly speak to their partners, instead getting together to chat and have a laugh, often while men talk about football.
Regardless, I think it's not surprising you feel lonely if you only have two friends. Why not look on this as a chance to expand your social circle a bit? Talk to your friend who will be there with her partner (not the bride) and tell her you are a bit shy and nervous of being on your own and will she help you out a bit and introduce you to people. I'm sure she'll be happy to do that.

1066andallthat Fri 01-Aug-08 21:46:38

But you have really low expectations so it will, at worst, be like this grin.

I went to a wedding last year when I only knew the bride's parents and about four other people by sight. It was horribly expensive. I didn't want to go. I had to stay totally sober to drive.

I went because the bride's mother is a wonderful friend and wanted me there. It was hard but not as bad as I expected. I was relieved when it was over and glad that I had gone. It was fabulous seeing my friend so happy - she cried when her daughter took her vows.

Mind you, I hope you have an even better experience and that you thoroughly enjoy yourself.

IllegallyBrunette Fri 01-Aug-08 21:49:33

I know exactly how you feel gilly. I am bridesmaid in three weeks and I will be the only single person under 60 there, that I know of, and I have checked with the bride.

I am nervous as hell about the whole thing, and the fact that I will be on my own makes it about 1000 times worse.

The first time in years that I will look half way decent and I don't have anyone there to appreciate it unless you count my dad.

IllegallyBrunette Fri 01-Aug-08 21:51:09

Tbh though i think you just have to go and hope for the best. I am sure it won't be as bad as you think, and you might even end up enjoying it.

Will take my own advice when I go LOL.

bignutbrownhare Fri 01-Aug-08 23:03:45

Aww, Gilly, it won't be that bad. Those lovey dovey couples are never what they seem, try not to focus on people as 'units' and see them as individuals. Is it too far away for you to go and come home by taxi? You mentioned a tent, are you staying overnight? In which case, can you have a glass of champagne or five to get into the swing of things? Just look forward to it being a new experience and a chance to meet some new people xxx

Tinkerbel6 Sat 02-Aug-08 10:39:19

Gilly I have a wedding reception to go too next month and everyone is coupled up, i'm in fact taking my daughter with me as there will be other children there and I know that at least I can sit down at a table with people I know whether they have their partner there or not, you could always sit yourself down at the table with the nan of the wedding party especially if she has had a bit too drink and likes to have a sing along, lol

averyquickex Sat 02-Aug-08 13:08:39

I went to a wedding yesteday, on my own, among loads of couples.
It was fantastic. Had such a great time, doing what I want and dancing the night away and mixing all night, without the worry that my ex would be sulking or not mixing or not even have come. Those with partners all seemes to be so concerned about what they thought of them that a lot of them really didnt loosen up much.

Go, relax, doll yourself up. And dance all night, it'll be fab.

1066andallthat Sun 03-Aug-08 10:28:50

So, how was it?

orangehead Sun 03-Aug-08 10:45:22

No advice but wanted to say I really feel for you. My best friend got married about 6 weeks after my husband left, so was feeling very raw. Fortunely I had a 9 week old bfing baby and an active 18 month old to look after. In some ways that helped as I didnt have too much time to think about it but in other ways it was worse as I shouldnt of been struggling by myself with two young kids he should of been helping me. Infact he was supposed to be the best man, but they didnt want him after what he did.
Just realsed wedding probably over now. I hope you had a good time and not as bad as what you thought

bignutbrownhare Sun 03-Aug-08 10:57:16

Have you run off with the spiritualist minister Gilly?

Tinkerbel6 Sun 03-Aug-08 11:33:57

wonder if she pulled grin

1066andallthat Sun 03-Aug-08 16:09:46

orange - that must have been really hard. How are you coping?

So, come on, Gilly, was it good? Did you get to drink and dance? Like the idea of copping off with the minister grin.

gillybean2 Sun 03-Aug-08 17:17:46

Urm, the minister was a priestess... So sorry no, didn't even think about that one.

Was awful. There was no dancing and no I didn't drink but that isn't why it was awful. It wasn't a disco type party afterwards and it was bring your own everything (including drink) as was in a field in the middle of no-where. I hadn't brought any alcohol as I don't drink. And I was intending to drive home as I'm not a camping person and had said I would give the bride's mum a lift if her other lift left too early for her.

The groom is in a band (not big but quite popular in our area), and he and his now wife also sing together as a couple and are into their gigging stuff and making CD's and stuff. Not big stuff but they're hoping for their lucky break someday I think.

They have loads of friends/other groups & player into the same thing and many of them were doing a set throughout the evening. Not especially dance type music and most of it their own original compositions. The tent was so full there wasn't room to dance really and lots of people hadn't thought to bring their own chair so were sitting on the grass anyhow. There was no scope for mingling and I, misery that I am, sat with my fingers in my ears after a while as the music was threatening to burst my ear drums. They really hurt today and I had to leave when a particularly loud set started and the happy couples around me got too much. Absolutely no scope for mingling let alone introducing yourself to a stranger. And I was on my own most of it as my son vanished off into teh distance with the other kids with their biks and footballs and he only appeared when he was hungry or wanted his kite!

I had been up really early cooking and getting tent over there and stuff and was pretty tired so ds & I went back to our tent at 10pm. We could hear the music from there, much nicer at a decent level too. And after the embrassesment of the ceremony itself I just didn't want to be there as I was still so angry and upset. And yes everyone seemed to be in happy couples which added to the misery.

Maybe it's my perception of it, and maybe they're having blazing rows the rest of the time. But friend next to me was sitting on her chair with her husband behind leaning over, touching her shoulders ocassionally, wandering off together when she needed something from their caravan etc. Another couple sat in the grass with their three children gathered about them obviously really happy. Someone else joking with her hubby over the single spare chair and then when she wanted to get a coat they wandered off together mumbling something about 'she won't be able to open it herself' and returning a while later with rug to sit on, coat etc. Everyone else laughing and joking and getting pissed and me being miserable.

Maybe happiness is akin to how much alcohol you drink and that's why i'm miserable perhaps!? Even if I wanted to drink I couldn't afford too though!

Anyhow I did what was suggested and asked my friend if she knew anyone else there and she didn't! So she couldn't introduce me to anyone else. She and her husband were hanging around with my parents (who they are friends with) and I wasn't going anywhere near my father while I was so angry at him. She's slightly older than me, her husband quite a bit older than her, my mum quite a biut younger than my dad. So seems but but in actual fact my dad and her husband are basically have drinking and motorbikes in common.

But what kind of person in the middle of a wedding ceremony (ok a slightly unusual and unorthodox ceremony but still a ceremony after all) says in a voice loud enough to hear 'This is a load of crap'!?

That was the final straw for me after several loud comments and me having to ask him and my friend's husband to hush and to have some respect. When asked 'respect for what?' I said for the bride and groom of course! Friend's husband quieten down after that, he is also a friend of bride and groom's after all. But then my dad made that commeent in far too loud a voice and I'm afraid I turned around and told him to respect other people's beliefs and if he couldn't he should leave. And when he tried to argue I simply said 'no, leave' and turned around as I wasn't going to discuss it in teh middle of the service. After which he did shut up. But frankly how awful is that for someone to have to put up with at their wedding. Heckling for goodness sake!? And I felt bad for saying somethig too which obviously I tried to do quietly but...

I really don't think anyone should have to put up with that no matter what their belief or religion. I don't think I'm being unreasonable! I didn't speak to the bride about it afterwards but I'm pretty sure she must have heard something of it, but didn't wantto mar the weekend any futher by bringing it to her attention if she hadn't. I will talk to her in a couple of days, but I shouldn't be apologising for my dad's behaviour. And his excuse that he's an old fart who is completely intolerant is rubbish. Don't come to a wedding and say things like that. I'm sure he wouldn't of been happy had someone said such a thing during my sister's catholic wedding, and he's not a catholic either!

My parents weren't even invited originally. They blagged a ticket after hearing about it. When my friend told me they were asking about it I wasn't happyat all. Dad said to me at one point 'so are you going to this piss up in the field' to which I firmly told them it wasn't a piss up in a field. I explained it was a wedding, with a hand fasting ceremony (explained what that meant)and that it was very important to the couple. And they were having a party to celebrate afterwards but it certainly was not a piss up in a field. And yes I was going as I was a friend of t eh bride and had been invited.

So my friend was saying how they were after an invite and how she was staying out of it. And I certainly didn't mention anything to my friend getting married about it. But obviously someone did coz when she saw my parents at an event last weekend she asked them if they were coming along then...

I'm just so angry about the whole thing. And very tired as we did stay the whole night and my ds was having a wonderful time. My back is paying for it today though.

Am consolling myself with crisps and hot chocolate as it's the only misery food I have on the house.

Still, I guess it could of been worse...!?

orangehead Sun 03-Aug-08 17:27:13

Oh gilly, sorry you didnt have a good time.
1066- yeh Im fine, that was five years ago.

posieflump Sun 03-Aug-08 17:33:00


so you werent actuallyon your own... you were with your son, parents and friends and still it was hideous?!! You poor thing!

allgonebellyup Sun 03-Aug-08 17:36:20

sorry it ended up so awful.

You are not alone there, i was invited to a meal last night, didnt think about saying yes really , but when i got there is was 8 couples i have never met (apart from the host herself) and me plonked at the end of the table because i " dont have a partner".

It was painful. Practically all of the couples were touching each others knees under the table, or giving each other a peck on the cheek, and i sat there on my own looking like a twat.

Then i went to the pub afterwards to meet my sister (and her bloke, plus his mate who i fancy the pants off and who i snogged last Sat). The bloke was polite and chatty to me for a while but made it clear he wasnt really interested in me. There was so much pressure on me from my sister and her girlie mates to "pull" him again, but it was so soul-destroyingly obviously that he isnt interested.

Sorry to hijack your thread there Gilly!

allgonebellyup Sun 03-Aug-08 17:37:42


gillybean2 Sun 03-Aug-08 17:43:49

Alone in a sea of couples is how I think i described it, and that's certainly what it is and felt like. My parents are a couple (and I don't get on with them well at the best of times anyhow so wouldn't regard them as friends), my two friends are in couples. And my ds was a speck in teh distance most of the time. So no I wasn't actually on my own but I might as well have been.

Spend most of the early part of the evening topping up the food table, changing the bin bags,picking up litter, and putting more cans and bottles in the water. It helped keep me distracted from the fact there was noone there to talk to (parents and friend had vanished off to their caravan in next field). I did talk to the bride's mother for a while, until someone re-claimed the seat between us when I wandered over to restock the food table and cut the deserts and quiches up.

Anyhow. Enough being miserable. I wasn't expecting it to be much fun, and it wasn't. So there we go.

gillybean2 Sun 03-Aug-08 17:55:26

AGBU that's exactly what it feels like, couple's everywhere, just being lovey dovey and that's nice and all but it does make me feel lonely and sad when they are doing those things. And ok so they might be having blazing rows the rest of the time, but I miss that part of being a couple too in some ways!

Don't worry about hi-jacking, I need some distraction!

I also feel like i'm an idiot for being on my own and my friend even said to me once when I went over there one evening 'you could have found a bloke to bring'. Urm no, I don't know any single blokes remember...

She hasn't invited me over recently though I know she's had other friend's over for meals and things. I don't expect to get invited every time, but last time they had even paid for a baby sitter for our other friend's so they could come. They hadn't asked me to babysit that time as I was having the kids the next day already it seems. When I popped round earlier on that evening, unaware they were having a evening do they did say 'oh you can come along if you want, we have some soup that's vegi...' But I felt like I was an after thought and no babysitter available of course so I said I didn't like the soup, no babysitter and was tired anyhow.

Just little things bring me down. I want to be happy, and I'm doing my best but every day seems like a struggle. How to get out of this hole though. And please don't say get out more and drink wine. I don't have money for such things, can't afford a babysitter, and if i was to start drinking alcohol I can foresee an extremely slippery slope ahead of me so that is why I won't touch it even when the oportunity arises because I know that I'm likely to drink myself into oblivion to escape from the reality of my life.

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