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help! ( long)

(14 Posts)
hollyandnoah Fri 01-Aug-08 01:14:48


This is my first time on the lone parent threads, but i regularly post elsewhere on here.

I am 22 and in Falkirk. I have a 7month old son.
My (now ex) partner has been saying he's gonna split for aaages.

Today he had a right go at me for not wanting ds to stay at his mums on Fri night.

Tomorrow (friday) my sis and i have had a night in planned for a while. She has a 2 yr old dd who i adore. We were going to have a night in with some wine and the wii after dc's went to bed. Soo dps parents call and ask to watch ds. I agree. all is well. They ring back ans say he is staying as they wont be able to drop him off. BUT they live about 30 miles away and its the galaday on Sat, we are in the parade with the toddlers group. So i say we need to get up eraly and sort the stalls and get everything ready for fundraising. but his parents cant get theough till afternoon. all kicks off.
No one could see where i was coming from, this has been planned for weeks now. always the first weekend in Aug.

DP (x) says he cant stand me :| Punches a hole through my living room door and leaves.
I got a text saying he will be staying in MY flat untill he gets another job, I said no, he should have thought about that before he left.

Anyway! this has been on the cards for months now, maybe longer. Sinse i was pregnant anyway. So i dont know why i am not more prepaired!
I really dont have a clue how i am going to handle a house, two dogs and a 7 month old teething boy all on my own every single day!

ahh help

gillybean2 Fri 01-Aug-08 01:23:08

You'll manage just fine. Not saying it will be easy but you will be fine.

Take no notice of them getting cross. They offered a favour and you accepted. They then changed the plans and you said sorry no. Perhaps offer a different day for grandparents to see your ds as the friday is no longer possible due to them not being able to return him in time for other comitments.

It'll be good for him to spend some time with his cousin anyhow!

ThatBigGermanPrison Fri 01-Aug-08 01:30:00

Well, you no longer have a voilent cunt hanging around the place punching holes in your walls, and you no longer have to placate his selfishly insane sounding family.

His parents don't need to see where you are coming from, you can just say "NO. NO you cannot have my son on a whim. NO you cannot take him and say you will bring him back when you feel like it. Incidentally, if your son damages my property again you will be bailing him out of jail."

Try to rehome the dogs unless you can't stand to - dogs are more work than a 7 month old baby IMHO.

PS Do NOT let him back into your home. He is violent and unpredictable and you don't need people of that nature around babies.

AvenaLife Fri 01-Aug-08 01:31:42

It sounds as though you are in a right pickle. Your ds doesn't have to stay at his mums, I know from first hand experience that grans can take over and you end up not seeing your little one for days on end because you don't want to cause a fuss. It's nice of them to offer though but thnk it through, do what is best for you and your ds rather then what other people want you to do.

I wouldn't let your ex stay with you, especally as he's violent and he can't stand you, it's very selfish of him to tell you this.

No one's ever prepared for motherhood, even less for having to do it all alone. It's so hard in the first few years, I would concentrate on getting to know your ds and being a mother to him before anything else. Don't worry about the housework, it's more important to have a happy, healthy child then a few toys on the floor. I raised my ds alone, I worked from when he was 2 and put myself through a Law degree so it can be done but it is very exhausting. Take one day at a time, toddler groups are a good way of getting out the house and meeting other mums.

Don't let anyone bully you, I would tell him that I'm phoning the police as he's caused criminal damage to your house. Arrange to meet him in a neutural place so that he can see ds, not at your house though. In all honesty, he sounds as if he has the potential to be violent so it might be a good idea if you looked into hm having supervised visits in an access centre at first, then unsupervised. You would just drop ds off and you wouldn't have to see your ex at all.

There are loads of others on here that can give you advice and support so remember that you are not alone. smile

Welcome to MN.

ConstanceWearing Fri 01-Aug-08 03:03:54

Has your xp always walked all over you? (I don't mean that nastily, but if he is used to telling you to jump, and you ask 'how high?', he will be pissed off when you suddenly start deciding for yourself how things are going to be in your world).

That doesn't mean to say that he has the right to intimidate you into doing what he wants. The punching walls etc is to make you scared and hope you back down so he gets his own way.

Sounds to me like he so used to telling you what to do and he doesn't like that you have got out from under his thumb. Hence the 'moving back in', to get you back in control.

I may be way off, but they all seem like a selfish bunch who can't consider anybody else's pov.

hollyandnoah Fri 01-Aug-08 11:33:09

Thank you all!

Made me feel a bit better about it all. Quite a bit.

I know i have needed to pluck up courage for a while, and i just couldnt stand him shouting and punching things in front of ds. I didnt get upset, just angry. That made him worse because he was asking why i was emotionless.. like he wanted me to cry or something..

He has punched a few things before, he even punched a man in the street because the man approached us after seeing xp pull my hair. Apart from that he has pushed me out of the bed into a unit, but has never actually struck me.

He told me though that his dad used to pin him down and hit him because he was bad as a child.. dont know if this might have anything to do with his anger?

I do not intend on letting him back in, i've thought about it and i cant.

His parants say they should be aloud to take him at their conveniance because they do a lot for me. I ask what, xp says if ds stays there his parents always pick him up and bring him back, i should be greatful because i dont need to do that. I dont drive and couldnt exactly take a baby, pram, travel cot and all the other stuff for over night on a bus! Also because they bought me nappies.. huggies... because in this day and age i shouldnt be using reusables. I use totsbots and they thing doing a lot for me is buying me huggies because my way is wrong??
Thing is i couldnt see how unreasonable he was untill now. I must be mad!

AvenaLife Fri 01-Aug-08 12:45:27

Your in inlaw's sound really unreasonable to me. It's your child so it's not down to them when they have your child. They should not be having him at their convenience. They have a right to see him IMO, it's important that your ds gets to know his family but they should not be taking him away from you because they argue that they are entitled because they help you out. They shouldn't be criticising the way you bring him up or the nappies you use. It will only get worse if you give them this amount of control over you. Take him to see them for a day so you woun't have to take all the baby things (cot). Some might not agree but I think 7 months is too young for a child to be away from it's mother overnight. It's important that you have the chance to have a rest but if you have support from someone else then there is no need for your child to be away from you overnight. It can be really unsettling for both of you.

Your ex sounds like he has issues, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a man like this with my baby. I really do think that you need to find an access centre so that he can see your child there.

hollyandnoah Fri 01-Aug-08 13:15:28

Hey Avenalife,

Thanks for taking time to read and comment

How do i go about finding an access centre? I dont work so i really can't afford a lawyer or anything like that. Do i need to be referred or anything?


ThatBigGermanPrison Fri 01-Aug-08 13:31:22

There should be a children's centre local to you, churches are often used - google contact centre and your home town together.

hollyandnoah Fri 01-Aug-08 13:55:24

Thank you big greman prison

gillybean2 Fri 01-Aug-08 14:38:04

If you aren't working you might be entitled to legal aid, depending on your circumstances. Find out if you are as you'd get a sol paid for this way.

ALso you get the first half an hour free with a sol, so can be worth picking their brains on something specific but have all your questions ready for when you go and make sure you get a sol who specialises in the area you wish to talk about.

Also CAB (citizens advice bureau) have legal people and access to loads of professionals. They can give you advice and help on all kinds of things and let you know what your rights are. Well worth a visit.

nervousal Fri 01-Aug-08 14:47:28

hollyandnoah - some good advice above. One more thing - I certainly wouldn't feel bad about not leaving my children with a man who used to hold down and beat his own son.... If this is the sort of discipline your xps parents dole out then I'd keep your son as faraway from them as possible.

hollyandnoah Fri 01-Aug-08 20:12:26

gilly - thanks for that, i went up to the job center today and found out i am intitled to some money, because i have none. he worked, and he has taken everything. Soo thats a relief!!

Nervousal - yes! i said that to him but he said i was being silly. His mum and dad also drink while watching him, not one or two, but once his dad was slouched in the sofa and didnt even notice we were back. x also opened the glove compartment in the car and found grass, not the kind you have in your garden either lol!

AvenaLife Fri 01-Aug-08 20:46:39

Its good news about money smile. The inlaws sound like a nightmare. They sound worse and worse every time you post. I would avoid them as much as possible.

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