Crying for Daddy - how do you deal with it?

[mojoawol]

Hi, new to this and asking for advice straight off! 3 year old sees his dad fairly regularly, but recently started crying for him at night. Last night was screaming he missed him for 45 mins after he went to bed. Find it very difficult to keep calm and comfort him - do the usual 'You'll see him in a couple of days, he loves you very much etc', but part of me wants to scream at him that his Dd is complete tw&t and I'm the one that does all the bloody work anyway!
Frankly, its exhausting - any tips?

[ninah]

I'm sorry, this is truly horrible. How long have you been apart? we left ex when ds was three and didn't see him for over a year. Ds was like this from time to time, and he would also say he hated ex. Things got better as ds got older and more able to talk than just scream. Also I lost my temper with ex and told him the score and that regular visits were needed - not fairly regular - clockwork. We see him once a fortnight now and things have improved. You all need time to settle after a split.

[mojoawol]

Thanks for reply
We have been separated for 2 years now, DS was just one when we split, so think he is used to us living apart. But its difficult to get completely regular visits/time as ex's working hours are late/shifts etc. Think this would help, but not much we can do about it.
Ex not always reliable either - but DS adores his Daddy!

[mylittlepudding]

My 18 month old is a bit more easily distracted I think. "I'm sorry you miss Daddy" and "Daddy loves dd" seem to work for now. It is also of minimal comfort - but I keep telling myself that I am glad to have achieved a state where it's ok to talk about Daddy if you want to or feel you need to. I've been no use but you have all my sympathy/ empathy.

[harpomarx]

so sorry for you mojo.

dd (4) misses her daddy, I'm sure, but doesn't cry for him. Sometimes she says thing like 'if daddy's moving, why doesn't he come and live with us?' and that makes me sad.

agree with ninah, fairly regularly is not enough. I think it really helps to have a fairly tight routine - I don't think dd needs to see her dad all the time, but she definitely needs to know that he will be there when she is expecting to see him. 'Fairly regularly' sounds as though you have quite a loose arrangement - is that the case?

[Joggeroo]

pretty new to all this here, but dd & ds2 like to hear his voice on the phone- though with ds2 (aged 2) it can mean a few repeated phone calls until he's ready to move on to something else. I used to put the phone on loudspeaker so they could all hear him but I find his voice rather irritating right now! DS1 aged 6 but with SN developmentally about 2 has a photo book of pictures of him & daddy that we have used when he's missing him. could his dad take him and choose a special toy/comforter that he could have in bed?

Know exactly where you are coming from about being the one who does all the work, & how hard it is to do the 'he loves you very much line' ...and resist the temptation to say something nasty about him.
I thought until a few weeks ago when H left that I was well up for making sacrifices for my children , but facilitating their relationship with him as they are so young is so so so difficult when I'd prefer never to have anything to do with him ever again.
Remember, he doesn't 'miss you' because you are the one who is there for him.

[solidgoldbrass]

My DS is 3.10 and sometimes does this too. His dad has never lived with us, but sees DS at least twice a week and everything is very amicable. While I am not making light of anyone's distressing circumstances, it's possible that a 3-year-old is playing you up a little bit: mine certainly is sometimes when he does this - it's a case of testing boundaries a bit. DC of this age do sometimes do the 'I hate you, I want XX(which could be Daddy, Grandparent or childminder) if they are not getting their own way.

[mojoawol]

Definitely think he's playing me a bit - 45 mins of crying for Daddy is excessive, and he often tries stuff on at bedtime (extra wee, need a drink, that kind of stuff). I guess he knows that I generally try and comfort him when he's missing Daddy - tho he really stretched those limits!
Thanks for all the comments and tips - know exactly what you mean on the 'prefer never to have anything to do with him!' bit - that's why we split up right?! Still, at least we can be amicable enough where ds is concerned.

[solidgoldbrass]

Mojoawol, it's great that you can be amicable for your DS's sake. I know some peoples XP's are awful (utterly unreliable, refuse contact, or are refused contact because they are violent) but where it's a case of the couple-relationship between two basically decent people not having worked out, it's so much better to be able to change the other person (in your head) from XP-the-rotten-sod to Co-parent: the other person who loves DC more than anything in the world.

And 3 is the age for playing up effectively: your DS (like mine) is beginning to understand that some things work better than others in terms of getting one's own way.
This is not to make light of any child missing an absent parent: I think the thing is getting to know the difference between real sadness and trying it on...

[cantseemyfeet]

Hi,

I am going through exactly the same at the moment. Ive just wrote a post on the parenting thread because "DADDY DEAREST" is messing the kids about.
My DS2 is 3.10 and he cries for his dad when he gets tired. He was let down by him last week and he just kept saying "find daddy". Whenever he talks to him on the phone he says Daddy come back. It is so, so hard I know.
I usually let him call his Dad if he gets upset but sometimes he is so upset he cant speak for crying. Its awful and I know EXACTLY what you mean about saying what a f*ing useless waste of space he is but at the end of the day it is his dad.

Just ride with it, most of the time he dosent even mention Dad so I think it is just quiet times of the day or night time when they are tired and feeling weepy anyway.
I have ds3 who is only 11 months so he dosent really understand that his Dad is not around apart from weekends (when he can be bothered to turn up) But it is hard enough to cope with them on my own without feeling the guilt every time ds2 cries for daddy.

I have a feeling he is going to give up on them soon, I am going for supervised access if his behaviour dosent improve and he wont bother going I know it. So I will be once again left with a heart broken child who cant understand where his Daddy has gone!

I totally understand how you feel and your doing a great job, just be there for him when he does get upset. Its all you can do. But remember it wont last forever, they grow up so quick and they WILL remember who was there for them when it mattered.

[fransmom]

(((((((((((((mojo)))))))))))))

i know this is going to be hard but whatever your feelings towards x, you have to keep thme as far as poss from your ds as whne he is older he may well turn round to you and say something you will find very hurtful (or he might not). the only way i can get round it with dd who is 3, is to let her phone him as often as she wanats and use it on speakerphone, i am aware that this may sound controlling but it is the only way i am aware of what x is promising and saying to her and that way i am forewarned kind of thing. she will find out for herself what kind of person he is when she is older, that way it is better as she will have formed her own opinion and not taken on my own - in a similar way, your x cannot throw it back at you for "lying" to your ds.

[Blandmum]

I cry with them. and we have a hug, and then do something else.

[Blandmum]

we do somethings else< i dont walk off and leave them!

[fransmom]

((((((((((((((((((mb))))))))))))))))))

dd with her dad today until 6 tomorrow night. ho hum.

[nervousal]

v different situation but for what its worth. My parents divorced when my brother and I were 2 years old. We had no contact at all with my father after that. I distinctly remember crying for my Daddy when I was about 5 or 6 - depsite not knowing him, not missing him and not really wanting him. At that age I guess I knew that crying for Daddy would get the most attention. I must remember to apologise to my Mum for that at some point.

[piratecat]

my dd is 6 now, and we have had many many nights of tears, upset, shouting (her not me).

I feel like a broken record, but i canonly say you just have to keep saying the 'right' things.

I know its awful. The sheer emotionally crippling feeling you get as a mum, that you can't fix it. I too could cry myslef to sleep some nights cursing what he's done to this little girl.

Yet i as i am sure you do, keep it together becuase you love him so much. Keep doing yuor best, your are only human, and as long as he knows he can vent and you are there, then that is all that can be done.x