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Finding it really hard to be happy for friends who have moved on

(36 Posts)
IllegallyBrunette Sun 27-Jul-08 12:10:58

I know several people who seperated from their partners/husbands either before I did or afterwards and have all moved on, are in new relationships, planning to get married, have babies etc, and are basically really happy.

Whilst I am happy for them, it makes me feel really depressed and sometimes I feel the need to either avoid them, or have to practically shove my fist i my mouth to stop me telling them to shut up about their fabulous life.

As I said, I am happy for them, but can't help thinking how bloody unfair it all is, especially as some of them pretty much walked straight into new relationships etc.

Janos Sun 27-Jul-08 13:24:20

No, it's shit, isn't it? Sometimes it just feels a bit much having other people's happiness hoved in your face when you're having a hard time. And while understandable, it's a bit insensitive to go on about it (I know that fist in mouth feeling all too well!)

I think you're having a perfectly normal and human reaction really.

Janos Sun 27-Jul-08 13:26:54

Er, I mean shoved, D'oh!

IllegallyBrunette Sun 27-Jul-08 13:38:01

Thanks Janos smile

I suppose it is pretty normal really, and i'd never actually say anything to any of them, I just wish sometimes perhaps they'd stop to think how it might feel if the situations were reversed.

possiblymaybe Sun 27-Jul-08 13:52:39

Oh I know the feeling too well myself...

Have just separated from abusive £$%head ex.
I stayed way too long with him, my life hasn't moved on since we;ve been together and I 've found myself om my own with 14 months old dd, no savings, no proper job, in the rented flat in the middle of the credit crunch.

You can tell I feel a little bit bitter about it.

My freinds on the other hand seem to have a ball at the moment.
And as much as I feel happy for my friends to buy their flats, go on fab holidays, land great new jobs I can't help feeling bit envious sometimes.

charliecat Sun 27-Jul-08 14:07:08

Its not always greener on the other side. I bet when they are having one of those shitty weekends when you CANNOT WAIT for Monday morning that they envy you and your singledom.

ConstanceWearing Sun 27-Jul-08 14:11:30

There is moving on, and then there is papering over the cracks, IB.

Throwing yourself into a new relationship without time to think about how the other one dissolved, etc, is not the answer (although it seems to be, because it saves you thinking about the old relationship as you are so busy with the new one).

Everything changes - and your chance of happiness will come ((()))

IllegallyBrunette Sun 27-Jul-08 14:12:46

I honestly don't know anyone that envys my life CC, I certainly wouldn't.

I am just jealous really.

I want what they seemed to find without hardley any effort.

IllegallyBrunette Sun 27-Jul-08 14:14:10

Thanks CW

You may be right about my chance, and when I first split with xp I thought the same, but the longer me being single goes on, the less I believe it.

charliecat Sun 27-Jul-08 14:16:35

Oh come on, you have 3 gorgeous healthy well behaved kids(never see you moaning about them on here so assuming they are) and no life sucking slime ball sitting on your sofa with his skid marks cluttering your loo. That IS an enviable life to some.
I know when I was with XP I wished I had the bollocks that you had had had to end it.
So I envied you and your life for quie a while.
Occasionally I now join you in the OH MY GOD doesnt nothing ever change/SHIT is this it camp but reread some of your posts from 3 years ago.
You were really unhappy.

IllegallyBrunette Sun 27-Jul-08 14:23:48

I was unhappy CC but so were these other people, then they got rid, got someone new and are happy.

I wasn't happy then and I'm not happy now either really.

Oh and well behaved kids my arse. You obviously have missed a few of my threads recently grin

I am still glad I got rid of xp, but I know that if i'd known then that now i'd still be single over 2 years down the line, i'd never have done it because me and being alone don't mix.

Totally wrong reasons to want to meet someone I know, but you know what I mean.

Apart from xp, my life is no less shittier now than it was then.

charliecat Sun 27-Jul-08 14:27:45

Hmm, except you are learning to drive...ENDLESS possibilitys there. Thats at least 4 steps in the right direction.
You have had, are having some nice holidays with the kids?
There ARE good things in your life.
How did they walk into these new relationships?
DO these peoples partners have brothers/mates that you could cop a feltch withgrin

used2bthin Sun 27-Jul-08 14:29:03

I agree the grass isn't always greener but know what you mean, I've got two friends who are single parents and one is in a new relationship and has already had a fling before that and has been single less time than me and the other became single lastr week and has a date lined up already! How are they managing it? I have not even had so much as a flirtatious converstaion in the year and a bit since I split with XP. I suppose I don't really try but still!

IllegallyBrunette Sun 27-Jul-08 14:30:51

LOL no, oddly not one of them has ever offered to set me up with anyone they know, or even invite me on a night out with their friends tbh.

I am looking forward to the holiday, passing my test, moving house etc, but am just bored shitless of only having myself to talk to about it, or my mum.

A couple of them met on the internet by the way, but have already discovered that that is not for me. Another met through a friend and I think the other one met her bloke on holiday.

IllegallyBrunette Sun 27-Jul-08 14:31:54

Snap usedtobethin, no flirting, no nothing since I split with xp over 2 years ago.

Jux Sun 27-Jul-08 14:33:11

I had a friend who split with her dd's father (damn good thing, alcoholic unfaithful feckless so and so). At one point I envied her because SHE GOT EVERY OTHER WEEKEND OFF and I was knackered. She met a fantastic guy quite quickly, got married a year later, they bought a house here and another in France and it was all wonderful wonderful wonderful. A year after that they'd split up too.

Take your time.

IllegallyBrunette Sun 27-Jul-08 14:36:06

I know, I know, I shouldn't care, should just wait my turn etc etc, but tbh the thought of still being right here right now, even 1 yr from now, makes me want to jump in front of a bus.

used2bthin Sun 27-Jul-08 14:36:16

I know what you mean about stuff to talk about, my freinds always seem to have exciting gossip. It has started to seem exciting to me if a man smiles at me at the supermarket! I have recently joined a dating website. I joined because it was another saturday night home alone and I was so fed up. But apart from a few people adding me as a favourite nothing has come of it yet. Again I probably need to be more proactive but I'd probably be terrified if I had to go on a real date grin

IllegallyBrunette Sun 27-Jul-08 14:38:03

LOL Usedtobethin

Dating sites didn't work for me tbh. I seem to attract the exact opposite to what I am looking for and then when I don't respond to them it just all goes quiet, so I gave up.

I do know people who have found love through dating sites though, so it is worth a go smile

Janos Sun 27-Jul-08 14:46:00

Actually IB I've thought about this a bit more and how some people seem to move on more quickly.

I'm not so sure they do!

My XP was married to someone else within 2 years of us splitting (not the reason why we split). I think being in a relationship was more important to him than who he has the relationshyip with, IYSWIM. Lots of people are like that and HAVE to have someone around cos they just can't manage on their own.

And something else for you.

2 years ago, I was as low as you could possibly be. I won't go into details but it really was BA BAD BAD.

2 years on and life is immeasurably better.

Life can be tremendously tiring and stressful but I take so much pride from the fact I have done it myself.

I think we should all feel a bit like that really.

IllegallyBrunette Sun 27-Jul-08 14:49:38

I am probably like that. I can manage on my own, but I hate every single second of it.

Janos Sun 27-Jul-08 14:59:20

I do like being on my own but that may just be cos my XP was such a bloody nightmare!

Still find it bloody exhausting though so totally understand. There are days when I'd give my right arm (and leg and other limbs) just to have someone else there to help/take to/offer support.

IllegallyBrunette Sun 27-Jul-08 15:03:30

See I do get a break, so I should be bloody grateful really.

It's just that I don't do anything when I do have a break so never quite see the point in it.

Oh and why is it that xp thinks that the amount of time he has the kids shouldn't increase whilst they are on school hols. Tosser.

Janos Sun 27-Jul-08 15:23:47

IB I think it's fair enough to be pissed off!

Sometimes I like having the opportunity to do nothing

allgonebellyup Sun 27-Jul-08 17:41:01

illegally - i dont mean this horribly, but you are often on here talking about how you want to find someone..
i am also a single mum, i work part time, study part time(so v busy!), and i get to go out every saturday, i love the socialising and getting drunk, and just having a laugh.

The more you go out and mingle and enjoy yourself, the more people will be attracted to you.
Dont keep thinking about finding someone, as this sends "desperate" signs out and will scare them off. Why dont you focus on having as much fun as you can, and a fling here or there, rather than hoping endlessly if you will find "the one".
Make new friendships and develop interests, make yourself so busy that you wont have time to think about wanting a relationship.

There is more to life than having a partner. There really is.
I have been through a horror of a year but sitting here today i am really happy, and that has sod-all to do with a bloke.

smile

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