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LP;s who work full time, then split free time with exp- I need success stories!

(13 Posts)
pinguthepenguin Wed 23-Jul-08 13:14:11

Now that fog is clearing and I'm no longer reeling at exp leaving when DD was 2mo, I hAve a new set of worries, my latest being my relationship with my DD

I full til around 6pm Mon-fri. Work commitments (and the need for a break) mean that exp has her one overnight in the week, plus one night at weekend. He also has her one full weekend per month. In essence, this means that I more or less split my free time down the middle with him, apart from holidays, where I have her full time, as I work in Education.

I'm not going to say I don't appreciate the freedom- It's what has held me together, but I am becoming increasingly worried about my DD's attachment to me. She seems rather disintersted in me- is happy as long as someone is around, but isn't bothered who it is. She never seems delighted when I collect from CM- even ignores me sad.
I feel that this is due to the little time she spends with me. On one hand, I want to be her favourite person, and on the other hand, I'm glad that she's so flexible and easy going. She is one year old.

Is there anyone who has has been separated from exp from very early on, who has to work full time, and who has to split their free time with ex? How are your children with you?

Am I spending too little time with her? I guess it really only works out 4- 5 evenings, and all day saturday.

I need to know my DD won't grow up being indifferent to me, or feeling as though I'm offloading her.

allgonebellyup Wed 23-Jul-08 14:13:42

i only see my dc really in the evenings after work and in the mornings, and all school holidays! i only work part time but they are both at school now, so i dont have them during the day much.
They go to their dads every fri night til sun night.
Sometimes i do worry they dont spend enough time with me, but they seem very very happy seeing their dads at weekends so its working out ok.

AMAZINWOMAN Wed 23-Jul-08 15:14:41

Could she just be an independent child? and be like this even if you were a SAHM?

Or maybe she is really happy and settled in her nursery, that she isn't desperately happy to see you?

what do other people close to her think?

pinguthepenguin Wed 23-Jul-08 16:55:11

People just tend to rave about how chilled she is...but I'm worried that there is something more to it than that.

pinguthepenguin Thu 24-Jul-08 10:52:10

bump

wheredowegofromhere Thu 24-Jul-08 12:13:22

We alternate every 2 days so some weeks I only see DS (28 m.o.) 2 evenings and 2 mornings, so with working FT that's only 5h on that week. It was weird getting used to but I never felt that DS was forgetting me.

I believe it's more balanced for our DC not to have a favourite parent and also your DD is very young still.

Good luck with everything.

Fluffybubble Thu 24-Jul-08 14:35:24

Pingu - I guess the bottom line is what you and your daughter are happy with. Are you really questioning whether you are happy with this arrangement, do you feel you would like to change things? I imagine that your situation is incredibly hard to manage, and that it must feel like a work in progress. All you can do is what feels right - tbh, from your previous posts you don't sound like this is necessarily how you want things to be (but I could be wrong smile)...

Fluffybubble Thu 24-Jul-08 14:35:26

Pingu - I guess the bottom line is what you and your daughter are happy with. Are you really questioning whether you are happy with this arrangement, do you feel you would like to change things? I imagine that your situation is incredibly hard to manage, and that it must feel like a work in progress. All you can do is what feels right - tbh, from your previous posts you don't sound like this is necessarily how you want things to be (but I could be wrong smile)...

clouded Thu 24-Jul-08 14:54:42

Pingu, I guess you and DD are going to have a few weeks together now during the holidays. Is this an opportunity to take the time to enjoy her without having to rush her around?

I think she would really benefit from some relaxed time with you and I think you will notice how much more attached she will become.

It must be very hard for you working full time and sharing your daughter with her dad. I do hope you are feeling better in yourself about the split...more accepting I mean.

pinguthepenguin Thu 24-Jul-08 16:46:24

Thank you girls

I am definitely more acccepting of the split- truly have no feelings for the man, none of the romantic kind anyway.
I guess what I failed to realise when I split with exp, is that after the initial pain of the breakup, I would then have a myriad of other issues to deal with- and this is one of them.
I guess I will have many more to come, until we have reached a status quo about how our DD will be raised. Until then, I seem to be constantly ironing out 'issues', which to the outsider, are rather minor, yet always feel major to me

I do seem to have some insecurities about going it alone- I guess thats clear from other posts I made, and of course, I have the other parenting worries that we all have, regardless of our marital status.
I struggle to manage my time effectively, although friends would argue that Im doing fine.

At the moment, my worry is that I'm not spending enough meaningful time with my DD. Yes it's true that I not have the holidays, but is this enough to improve her attachment to me? What about when I go back to work in Sept? I can't change my working hours- I'm not in the financial position to. The other option is to reduce her contact with her father, but that doesn't seem like a viable option either. Plus I think I'd go mad if I didn't ahve the help that he offered.

I know I'm not sounding particularly logical here. On one hand I'm saying I want my DD to be perfectly content with our arrangement and to love me like she would if she was with me full time- and on the other hand I'm saying that I need the freedom from her that my job and her father offer me.

I have ishoooos

Surfermum Thu 24-Jul-08 17:38:49

Pingu, if it helps, dd always ignores me when I go to get her from my mums on days I work. Yet she is always really excited to see dh if he collects her.

And recently my neighbour offered to take her to school for me, and she seemed to happily go with him until one day when she hid in the cupboard and refused to go with him. When I got to the bottom of it, all it was was that she just wanted her mum to take her. My neighbour said that made sense as sometimes he caught her looking when he was kissing his children goodbye. So ... off I go to school with her again (feeling really bad!), get to the classroom door and offer a kiss .... NO! she doesn't want one!!

So I think the point I'm trying to make is that just because they aren't seeming to make a big fuss about having you around, it doesn't mean they don't miss you and want you when you aren't.

ElenorRigby Thu 24-Jul-08 19:40:49

Our 11 mo DD is a very independent miss. When I leave her at nursery she barely bats an eyelid. When I pick her up sometimes she is happy to see me sometimes she is still busy.
Very recently when home she has become more clingy and will crawl to my or DP's legs and pull herself up, wanting to be picked up. That's not like her. I just put it down to a phase.
Maybe your DD like ours will go a bit clingy too. Kids go through all sorts of phases.

"Work commitments (and the need for a break) mean that exp has her one overnight in the week, plus one night at weekend. He also has her one full weekend per month."
Would you want your ex to have her less if your work commitments and need for a break were lessened also?

clouded Thu 24-Jul-08 20:18:10

This will be the first long holiday you've had with DD won't it? So it's hard to know how it will be, although I think she will love being with you more.

Do you show her how excited you are to see her when you pick her up from child minder? You know the sort of thing, high pitched voice.. clever girl..mummy's here for you.. etc. etc. Babies tend to take their cue from you.

It also occurs to me that you must both be very tired by 6 pm and DD will not be at her best.

Also,(ignore all this if not helpful) would it make a difference if, now, DD went to her dad every other weekend, rather than the one in three plus the overnight every week end? That would give you a whole uninterrupted two days and nights with her and then a free weekend for yourself.

I know you are worried about the underlying effect on DD who has, essentially, three carers and I don't think anyone can reassure about this because it's hard to know how she is experiencing it. She is very loved and cared for and thought about and those are the most important things for her.

As far as you can build on your enjoyment of her and let her feel and see your delight in her. I think she needs to know you want to be with her even if this is not possible at times.

I feel for you pingu.

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