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Need to finalise child visits to father please highlight anything I might have missed

(17 Posts)
raisinbran Tue 22-Jul-08 19:38:25

From Aug my exh new job will be in London with myelf and the boys 10 and 5yrs in Southport.

We have agreed to alternate weekends and split the holidays and as much as I dont like it alternate Xmas.I also know I have to be reasonable re his trips away with work. However now he is talking about getting the children late on Friday night or sat morning and bringing them back Sunday evening.

I feel that he is the one that wanted to work away and will get a full weekend with his new girlfriend whilst I basically have a choice of one night without the children or mess them around with late nights.

There isn't really an alternative is there?

Also he wants me to pay have towards the cost the flights petrol etc. Am I being petty if I say I want half of his airmiles and hotel points etc.

I am pissed that he has spent the last year all be it a different job, alternating weekends and using most of his annual leave to fly to NY to see his girlfirend.

LittleBella Tue 22-Jul-08 19:48:51

Sorry but I don't think it's up to you to pay his travel expenses. If you had chosen to move away, then he might have had a point, but you don't have to pick up the tab for his life choices any more than he does for yours.

Do you work full time? Is there any way you could meet him half way (Birmingham frinstance) on a Friday afternoon? (Obv this would be dependent on you having a car.)

The late nights are not ideal but the Friday one isn't really a big problem. The Sunday one is more of an issue particularly for the younger one, because of school next day.

Don't think about the fact that he gets longer with his girlfriend, it's irrelevant and will only make you feel resentful/ irritated. Don't waste your brain-space on it.

youcannotbeserious Tue 22-Jul-08 19:55:25

raisin - where is he taking them? to a hotel?

it's not your problem to pay for expenses.. and you'd still be entitled to the airmiles

\Agre with littlbella friday nights no prob... expect them back earlier on Sunday.
and no brain ache over the GF...

He should be looking to have a base close to his kids...

FWIW, i'd be the GF in this situation...

princessofpower Tue 22-Jul-08 20:05:07

Message withdrawn

raisinbran Tue 22-Jul-08 20:18:47

I think initially he will travel up and so have to stay in a hotel he has also looking into them flying unaccompanied into London city. Obviously I would need to take and collect from Manchester airport.

You are right I have to stop being jealous of his girlfriend. Men just move on so quickly. There will probably come a time when he will relocate to NY so I suppose I should be glad its only London.

youcannotbeserious Tue 22-Jul-08 20:26:48

I promise you, his argument is that to pay the level of CS / maintenence he's agreed to, he has to take the new job.

TO be fair, he may well have to. It's not easy to adequately fund a 'first' family and then actually have a life.

My DH now works away from Monday to Friday to pay for us (Ex wife, me and three kids - two hers, one mine)

He obviously feels justified in asking for the contribution.

But, his kids need to come first. At 10YO, the elder boy is putting down roots / making friends which mean he won't want to be removed from them for weeks at a time (DH and I acutally moved to be close to his kids as this was a problem and we were only an hour away.)

Plus, long term, they CANNOT see their dad in a hotel. Totally wrong setting for any sort of parental responsiblity IMHO.

gillybean2 Tue 22-Jul-08 20:47:30

He should be picking them up from school on friday imo and will have to arrange that with his work. He has plenty of opportunity to make up the missed hours on the alternate weekend when he doesn't have the children.

If he's back and forth to NY and southport and working in london then he needs to have a base somewhere, so perhaps that should be southport (being cheaper) and will give the children a permanetnt second home with tehir own space etc.

What are his long term plans on making this alternate weekends contact arrangement work. Have you asked? Has he explained? You might find there's a rapid slide into once every three/four weeks and then more time in the hols instead.

If he has a cottage he can rent regularly that might work as an alternative during term time for example.

Ask him to seriously work out what he can physically achieve in terms of contact which is in teh children's best interest (late night friday pick up witha long journey ahead or in a hotel isn't).

And as for asking you to pay his traveling... His coice to move away. CSA calculate based on income. The mor eyou earn teh more you pay. So surely the extra income isn't going to be balanced out by the travelling costs. He can ask the CSA to take his travel costs into account in the calculation. Maybe workth looking at the overall result if you did go the CSA route and come to an agreement on maintenance based on that.

Gilly

raisinbran Tue 22-Jul-08 20:52:26

He is a narcissist.He always puts his needs first. He enjoys being with his kids and can be an amzing dad when he is in the mood for it.

The reason he went for London was because its better for his long term career.He didn't even consider looking for something closer to the boys even if it was to have been on a lower salary.

His answer was why am I paying you an extra 10% of my salary if we are not going to share the costs. When I said I kept warning him about this problem and he didn't feel it was an issue. He has stormed out well we'll see about this.

We have been trying to do as much negotiations without involving too many solicitors bills. I just think it may be easer to go through the lawyer route.

I honestly don't want to take him to the cleaners but he is so much brighter than i am and I dont't to be taken for a fool either

gillybean2 Tue 22-Jul-08 21:09:21

How about trying mediation. Can sometimes be easier with a third party there who is independant to get your points across and to hear what each other are actually saying rather than what yu think they are saying. ALso gives you a chance to get all that anger out and then move on from it and concentrate on what is best for teh children. Will be much cheaper than a sol too.

What does he mean about the extra 10%? For 2 children CSA would say that 20% of his salary should be paid as maintenance (less 1/7th for each overnight he has them averaged out per week and rounded down to whole numbers).

If he has them friday and saturday night every otehr week in school term that's half of 39 weeks x 2 overnights = 39 days. Then he has half teh hols too, so 13 weeks divided by 2 is another 45.5 overnights giving a total of 84.5 overnights a year. Divide by 52 = 1.625. CSA would round this down to average of 1 overnight a week so his 20% will be reduced by 1/7th.

Is that in line with what he's offering to pay? Definitely think some mediation is in order to help you work through these issues if at all possible.

youcannotbeserious Tue 22-Jul-08 21:16:23

Agree with Gilly - really depends on what he's agreed to pay.

But, would really keep in mind what's reasonable for you and your children...

Don't try and screw him, but don't let him screw you either, IYSWIM.....

Mediation, IMO, won't work because his working hours and your commitments are going to clash.

Anna8888 Tue 22-Jul-08 21:18:28

I think your exH's living and working arrangements sound incompatible with the contact arrangements he wishes to have.

You certainly do not have to make any contribution to his travel costs.

We chose to live 5 minutes' drive from my partner's ex-wife so that we could be very close to my stepsons, their schools, friends etc. It's not where we would have chosen to live but our desires were not a priority - ensuring we had a close and easy relationship with the boys was our priority.

youcannotbeserious Tue 22-Jul-08 21:33:49

Agree with Anna.

We did the same. This is not where I would choose to live, but we do so to maintain a routine with DSDs. That has to be the priority.

raisinbran Wed 23-Jul-08 00:26:22

Thanks everyone for your messages of support and advice.

I have just got back from my Tuesday counselling session. Which helped me to see that my exh made the choice of where to work so I shouldn't be having to help him solve his problems with access.

We haven't gone down the CSA route as you hear such bad stories that nobody comes off well. Initially I am getting more than I would through CSA as his higher salaried job came about because I gave up my career so he could focus on his and travel anywhere in the world do the hours. I feel a deserve a share in this until I can get back in the work place.He agreed becasue he didn't want to lose half his liquid capital in a spousal payment.

A few of my friends have remarried and their DH split the time 50;50 live close by and one week with each parent. My exh wasn't interested in this option.

I'll leave it up to him if he wants to bother seeing his kids but I hink I am decided. I wont be waiting around until midday on Saturday with him using the excuse the traffic was bad.

Anna8888 Wed 23-Jul-08 13:52:00

Good for you raisinbran. It is, IME, a very critical point in the divorce process when you realise that you no longer have to make the same compromises with your ex-spouse as you did when living under the same roof.

youcannotbeserious Wed 23-Jul-08 18:31:10

ANna - A very good point.

Ex-spouses should, in most cases, act like business parties. They have a common interest (the kids) and must work together, regardless of personal opinions, towards that goal.

As anna says, you have no reason to compromise on this point. You haven't moved!

Hope you do get it sorted, though...

Anna8888 Wed 23-Jul-08 22:03:06

I agree with YCBS - "business partners" is a good way of thinking about how you manage your joint interests (your children) after divorce. You no longer do favours and make compromises for your ex-partner to help them out as you would in a marriage.

Not only is this better for both ex-spouses, but it is also a good role model for the children as they have the best possible chance of knowing exactly where they stand with both their parents and can have rational conversations with parents, as they get older, as to what contact and residency arrangements they would like.

youcannotbeserious Wed 23-Jul-08 22:34:17

Yes, business partners not parties...........

GOodness, where did my brain go????????????

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