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Please help me...again!

(15 Posts)
kara0811 Sat 19-Jul-08 12:58:25

I posted on here last week about my situation. My h left in april to live with another woman. We have 2 children aged 2 and 3.
I told him I would not be filing for divorce at this stage. Despite me trying to be civil and reasonable, he has been vile towards me for the past 3 months. He has seen our children for a grand total of 6 hours in that time. I began to try and sort out mediation to get a contact arrangement in place for him to see the children. I still do not know if he is going to attend.
He began to tell me he would only see the children if his new girlfriend was present, and I said no and stood my ground. I offered him use of my house and I woulkd go out so he could still see the children, but it kept it in familiar surroundings for them, and I knew his girlfriend wasn't there. He declined. He has not seen them alone for 6 weeks, so I feel he needs to re-establish his own relationship with them first, and I also feel it is much too early in their relationship for her to have any involvement with my children.
Yesterday, I received a letter from a solicitor stating that he has filed for divorce on the grounds of MY unreasonable behaviour!!!
It seems crazy and I panicked, but after speaking to a solicitor I calmed down. I am going in to see her on Monday, but I probably won't contest the divorce, though possible the reasons! After all, he has committed adultery and I have done nothing except wave goodbye to the life I knew, and do my very best for my children for the past 3 months.
ANYWAY, the reason for my post is to do with the divorce process. I have read that he has to fill in a statement of arrangements for the children, and I wondered if anyone knew what this meant? I want my children to have a relationship with their dad, but my grounds for them not meeting his new girlfriend at the moment stil stand. Does anyone know if I get a chance to state this, or does he just get to specify when he gets to see the children and that's what happens.
I am so new to this, and it is all happening so quickly. It all feels like it's totally out of my control, and I don't know what to do. I just want to protect my children, but it feels like he is using them as part of a game to emotionally blackmail me.
I would be soooo grateful if anyone had any advice, or knew what my rights were with regards to setting some ground rules for his contact with the children, bearing in mind he hasn't seen them himself for 3 weeks (NOT as a result of my influence).

prettyfly1 Sat 19-Jul-08 16:12:48

what an arse. no advise just support. take all the advise the solicitor gives. perhaps she can help you draft him a letter explaining without attacking your concerns and fears - that you are prepared to not contest the divorce but you do not feel you are being unreasonable having not blocked access and obviously you will fight on those grounds. can i suggest filing your own claim for adultery.

kara0811 Sat 19-Jul-08 19:07:14

thanks prettyfly. i am going to speak to the solicitor on monday re counterclaiming the divorce on the grounds of adultery.
btw, can i just add that he hasn't seen the children for SIX weeks not three as i put at the end of my last post.

youcannotbeserious Sat 19-Jul-08 19:11:42

File your own claim for divorce because of his adultery and name her.

DOn't sign anything else. Just stall on anything else.

It won't make any difference in the long run but will make you feel better.

And stand your ground until you know the OW>

charlotte121 Sat 19-Jul-08 20:51:51

I saw a solicitor on friday... one of the issues i had was that i wasnt comfortable with exp's gf playing mummy to my newborn baby, i hate the way she smothers ds in kisses and dont want heer doing it with dd. the solicator told me that if that was my reason if it went to court she would not be excluded from the access to my kids because ex and her would have been in a "stable" relationship for more than 6 months. its very hard to deal with and i hate it when ds comes bk from his dads smelling of her perfume but theres not a lot you can do. I do think however you are within your rights to state that you want contact to take place within the familiar settings of your home as the kids are still young.
basicly you have the right to do as you please if its in the best intrests of the kids. although this might be different in your case because you were married to their father. The best thing is to talk to your solicator. After all they know best.

lucylue Sun 20-Jul-08 09:42:32

if he were a loving, proper father he would try to see his children in 6 weeks, ask how they are. he is just creating excuses, trying to upset you. i wonder if he will see them when there is proper contact arrangements with them.
really sorry for your situation.
best of luck

piratecat Sun 20-Jul-08 19:51:30

just to say, you don't HAVE to agree to a divorce.

go and counter divorce him as youcannotbeserious suggested. how dare he. I divorced mine for adultery, even tho he left then a month or so later found a new gf, he had still shagged someone whilst married to me.

He can divorce you without any particular reason after 2 yrs separation, yet still you don't have to agree to it, then he has to wait a further 3 i think.

With the statement of arrangements, this involves who the kids live with, and onmine there was a bit saying he would see dd every weekend.

that turned into every other weekend, and now my dd refuses to see him, as he hasn't spent any time alone with her for 3 yrs. You can get a court order but he doesn't have to adhere to it.if he chooses not to see your dc's if his gf isn't included then ther eis not much you can do about it. my solicitor sent him letters to this effect, saying about how quality time is paramount, but he gf always came first.

very tough road yuo are travelling. i sympathise. the weakest men, are those that don't give respect and credence to thier children.

kara0811 Sun 20-Jul-08 20:38:13

thanks piratecat, i 100% agree with your last sentence.
when you say if he won't see the children without his girlfriend, there isn't much i can do about it, do you mean that i can't stop him from taking them to his house and meeting her?
tbh, i know it will come at some stage, i just feel that it is waaaay too early and so inappropriate given he hasn't seen them alone for weeks.
they are only 2 and 3, they are so confused over everything.
i'm not trying to set ground rules to be spiteful, just to protect my kids, and i would expect myself to stick to them too, if ever i had a new partner.

piratecat Sun 20-Jul-08 22:01:53

You can stop him if you feel it is not right for your dc's.

He may in fact. like mine has, decide YOU are the totally unreasonable cow from hell, and try to make a point by not seing them UNLESS he can take them to hers.

If you arehappy for the kids to go with him, even if he has said he won't take them to hers, I am afriad you can't control it if he goes against your wishes.

You can stop him tho, if you think it's best. Yet I am also sorry to say that then you will feel bad for not letting them see him, and also him see them.

For me it's been a no win situation, that you didn't choose.

I probably could have put my foot down but i was tryng to be the bigger person, and preserve my dd's relationship withher dad, by swalowing it, and just doing what was best.

Yet it backfired on him anyhow in the end despite me pleading that this was the way it was heading, that she just had started to hate going to his home.

snotbuster Sun 20-Jul-08 22:23:50

I haven't ever been through a divorce but I know that the courts/solicitors generally seem to suggest waiting until a new relationship has been going on for six months before the DCs meet the 'new partner'. Don't think you're being at all unreasonable not letting them meet her yet, especially given their ages and the fact that they haven't seen their Dad for so long. Hope your solicitor is helpful tomorrow.

kara0811 Mon 21-Jul-08 11:19:09

Thank you snotbuster. If they do suggest 6 months, then that gives him 3 months to start seeing the children properly on his own, and I would then be happy (or happier!) for them to start slowly meeting his new partner. I don't think that's unreasonable!
What he thinks though, will no doubt be another matter!!
I have my appointment at the solicitors this afternoon. I don't think she will have a copy f the divorce petition, so I won't be able to see what 'unreasonable behaviour' I am meant to have carried out.
All I want is some info re. what's likely to happen in the future, and also how to get some proper arrangements put in place for the children, so we'll see how it goes...

youcannotbeserious Mon 21-Jul-08 16:38:22


I'd like to tell you what we did: Was living with my partner for 7 months, with him for a year before meeting the kids...

We went through a long process of:
1. me meeting their mum
2. us all meeting together
3. us meeting with the kids
4. the kids coming to 'dads' new place without me being present
5. the kids eventually coming to 'us'

none of that is unreasonable, imho, and i do believe it works best for young children but it does require everyone's co-operation...

and none of this makes it easier on you....

But just wanted to say that wanting the best for your kids is not unreasonable and it's perfectly understandable that you want to know who this other person in your child's life will be.

prettyfly1 Mon 21-Jul-08 18:25:08

how did you get on kara

kara0811 Mon 21-Jul-08 19:33:50

youcannotbeserious, thank you. That is really helpful. That is exactly the sort of thing I want to happen. I know nothing more of this woman other than her first name and her job. I don't know where she lives as h won't give me the address, whether she has kids and I just don't understand how he can't see that HE is being unreasonable here, not me!!

Anyway, the solicitors appt was ok, quite postitive. I had to take my 2 yr old son with me as he felt unwell and wouldn't stay with my mum, and he was promptly sick everywhere when we got to the waiting room, but that's another story!!

The solicitor was very nice, explained things very clearly. She is going to try and change the divorce petition so that I am filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery. If h won't accept it, she is going to add to the appendix that I don't contest the divorce, but do contest the 'unreasonable behaviour' and it will not be used against me in any future negotiations. She is also going to suggest to his solicitor that for now he doesn't contact me directly, because it is so upsetting for me.

She thinks that everything else can be sorted out through mediation, which is quite funny as just this morning I received a letter from Essex Mediation saying h would not attend! I have already been trying to arrange mediation!

The Statement of Arrangements is not what I thought. He just fills in the current arrangements for the children.

I feel a lot calmer now, was letting my imagination run wild with thoughts of him and his girlfriend coming here to live with the kids and me being thrown out!!!

Only 4 months ago, I was quite a calm rational person! Really!

youcannotbeserious Mon 21-Jul-08 21:51:30

I'm sorry it's not more help, but I do want you to know that a decent SM (step mum) will want to communicate with you about issues. Yes, it should all go through the father, but this often doesn't happen.

A decent SM should be open to meet with you first, though, they are your kids.

But, please be open to her. My DH still dislikes his ex and I do appreciate why but sometimes I wouls like to have a working relationship with her because I often have to pick up the kids and it's not fair to expect me to do that when she won't communicate with me.

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