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dd starts counselling on friday, am really nervous about it, she also told her dad he was a selfish man on phone last night!

(21 Posts)
piratecat Tue 15-Jul-08 07:49:33

We have waited months for the counselling. i am not sure when to tell her we are going, or what to call it.

I am very worried that it won't be beneficial.

As in my thread title, ex dh phoned fomr his honey moon last night ( 3 weeks on-pisses me off as gives me no money to help out)

and dd fianlly spoke to him only to say he was a silly, selfish man, and 'don't you realsie what yuo have done to me and mummy'

It was so fucking hard to hear her say it to him, but prob needed to be said too. Funnily enough she had also got a postcard from him yesterday, signed once again usiong his first name.

NotQuiteCockney Tue 15-Jul-08 07:53:31

How old is she?

How many sessions is she getting?

What are you hoping to get from the counselling?

JumpingDizzy Tue 15-Jul-08 07:57:44

has she heard this from anyone? Really feel for you both

piratecat Tue 15-Jul-08 08:13:58

she's 6. long history on here of him letting her down. many many nights of tears, then 2 months of wetting herself.

havehad to wait ages for this. i just got to the point where i felt i needed help for her, more ways in which she can learn not to blame herslef.

NotQuiteCockney Tue 15-Jul-08 08:16:28

God, hard for both of you.

I assume you won't be there for the counselling?

I have a six-year-old myself. Hmm. I'd explain it as "going to talk to someone who can help you understand what's been going on"? Or, frankly, what you said - help her not blame herself, as you know none of this is her fault.

Well done on getting this sorted out, though - I think a lot of parents wouldn't think of this, but it sounds like a really good idea. How many sessions can she have?

piratecat Tue 15-Jul-08 08:22:06

i am not sure yet. i hope it is the right hting to do.

talie101 Tue 15-Jul-08 10:34:27

Hi Piratecat,

I took my dd (now 6) to a child psychiatrist sorted out via the Drs... and presume this would be similar to what you call counselling.....it has been VERY beneficial to her and me! I have learnt how to handle different situations and understand more how to get my dd to open up to me...she would NEVER talk about her father to me before these sessions. It was almost like the Psychiatrist had given her permission to let her feelings out without her feeling guilty or for fear it would upset mummy. She has come on leaps and bounds, although we do have the odd hiccup when xh upsets the applecart again!...he is in complete denial that there are or ever has been any problems!

I hope it all goes well for you and that it is as beneficial to you and your dd as it was for us x {{hugs}}

abouteve Tue 15-Jul-08 10:43:49

Hi, My DD went for counselling for a similar situation when she was 11 so a lot older. She did three preliminary sessions but didn't continue as she felt she had already got enough out of it.

I think you are doing the right thing. I hope it all goes well and your lovely DD can learn that she is not to blame for someones elses failings.

stealthsquiggle Tue 15-Jul-08 10:47:22

I know someone who explained counselling to a 6yo in terms of everyone needing some extra help with some aspect of their lives at some stage, and counsellors being people who can help us to work out what we want to do. FWIW, I think you probably need to define "counselling" in terms she understands and then call it what it is.

piratecat Tue 15-Jul-08 13:22:51

oh some great replies here thankyou. I have thought about calling it a Family Time chat. or something ? I think i will say that both me and her are going to see a person who helps us talk about things that are happening.

Beauregard Tue 15-Jul-08 13:31:33

Hope that you and L both find it helpful Piratesmile
I hope that someday your ex will wake up to what he has done.
xxxx

piratecat Tue 15-Jul-08 13:40:35

thnks pelvic. it's been a bitch of a year.xx

gillybean2 Wed 16-Jul-08 08:44:06

Tell her the truth about who she is going to see and tell her now, don't wait till the last minute. My parents told me the night before they took me and only said I was missing school to go and see a teacher. They were very coy when I asked for more details about this teacher.

Then in the car on the way there they said it was a councellor which left me confused, upset at their yet more lies, and with no time to get my thoughts in order or think about what I wanted to say so I was on edge the whole time and basically just agreed with everything they said to the councellor.

It didn't benefit me in the least, but that's only because (imo now, at the time I had no idea) it was handled completely wrongly and was forced on my parents by school etc who said I should go when they clearly didn't want to take me.

Gilly

piratecat Wed 16-Jul-08 11:33:43

told her last night on the way to the car after school. I said we were both going to see a lady to talk about family thungs. I said that as daddy didn't live with us anymore , it would be nice t have a chat about how it's all going.

I said 'ok'?

she said ' booooring' !!!

but of course she will be thinking about it.

piratecat Fri 18-Jul-08 14:25:22

hi, we went today. It was fine. I am going back on my own to fill in the blanks, so that the woman has a good idea od what has been happening.

I am so grateful for that opportunity, as it was bothering me that she needed to now thhe whole story.

Ddd just did a drawing, and the woma, asked her lots of queston abuot what she liked, about her friends, family etc...

There were a few times when dd told the exact opposite, like when the woman asked her if she went to her dad's place, to which dd said yes. I had to mouth 'she doesn't' over top of dd's head.

Anyway, dd was more relaxed by the end of it. Lady said she was very articulate and aware for a 6 yr old. Also commented that dd looks at me for approval when answering, but i think dd see's us (me and her)as a package!!

prettyfly1 Fri 18-Jul-08 15:53:36

pirate i am glad you have found some support on this. its so hard to watch our kids go through the fallouts from our seperations and i really hope it is up from here. Mine stunned me last night by bursting into tears and informing me how much he missed his daddy but i suspect councelling is too much for a three year old. good luck.

piratecat Fri 18-Jul-08 20:11:16

prettyfly, I don't think 3 is too young for outbursts tho. my dd was absolutely bereft and bedtimes were awful form the age 3-4 1/2. Perhaps counselling could help you? I am having my session, and am looking forwrd to a vent and some advice about how i am doing.

They grow up quick don't they, and tey have an insurmountable ability to surprise us, and they do not miss a trick. Perhpas now IS the time for you to get some guidance.

i understand, how gut wrenching it is to hear them say things that are too old for them to understand, but al the while they are feeling it.
x

Beauregard Fri 18-Jul-08 22:43:33

Hi Pirate,im glad it went wellsmile
xxx

BobDowne Sat 19-Jul-08 12:24:10

Glad it went well piratecat. Your thread has helped me as i've got a counsellor coming to the house next thursday to talk to DS2 (he's 9). Haven't told him about it yet, wasn't sure of the best way to approach it.

gillybean2 Sat 19-Jul-08 14:16:49

Glad the session went well. It will take your dd a while to trust this lady and to start to confide in her, or simply to relax enough just to start talking without thinking.

My experience with councelling as a child was pretty dire. My parents actually threw stuff back at me in later arguments that I had told the councellor and so I didn't say anything further to her at future meetings as I didn't want to give them anything further to hurt me with and knew I couldn't trust her with what I was saying. I'm sure it will be very different for you and your dd as you are the one looking out for her and wanting what is best.

Best wishes
Gilly

littlewoman Mon 21-Jul-08 10:39:52

It tears my heart out that the parents who leave always deny it has had any effect on their children. It's the final insult, after all the injury.

I think counselling's an excellent idea for your DD. Hope it helps her, PC, and you too.

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