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I'm so scared that I cannot cope with raising my children alone

(48 Posts)
DeeLerious Mon 14-Jul-08 15:02:07

I'm devastated. He is my life & now he's leaving. I can't sleep & nothing I eat stays down. I have no one to talk to about this and have 2 lovely daughters 13 & 7 who will get hurt in this. At this moment I don't know if I can cope with it. He is the only one I could talk to - 28 years together. What can I do? I'm so scared.

doggyandteddy Mon 14-Jul-08 15:04:47

<<<<<<<<dee>>>>>>>>>>>
I can understand how you feel, thought I had lost my dh (different circumstances) but it was horrendous. You will get through this for your girls.

Ewe Mon 14-Jul-08 15:10:52

You WILL cope, because you have to if nothing else. It is horrible and devastating but there is light at the end of the tunnel - even if you can't see it right now.

What are the circumstances? When are you telling the children?

(((BIG HUGS)))

davidtennantsmistress Mon 14-Jul-08 15:25:11

you will cope as the others have said, you go on auto pilot you need your girls now - and believe me they need you.

for now take things one hour at a time, what's the general situation?

you might not think it now but you have the strength and courage to come through this.

TinySocks Mon 14-Jul-08 15:35:09

Oh, Dee, I am so sorry. This has never happened to me but I can relate to what you are going through because it happened to my sister.
The best thing for her was to have psychological help, and she was on antidepressants for 6 months which helped give her a boost at the beginning.
3 years on, she is a new woman, feeling much better and more aware of herself and much stronger than she ever was.
Do you have family or friends that you can turn to?

onlyjoking Mon 14-Jul-08 15:38:00

You will find the strength and courage to get throu this i know that probably feels unlikely at the moment. You will run of auto pilot or safe mode for a while, do you have people around you to help?
why does he feel he should leave?

mashedup Mon 14-Jul-08 15:41:41

Hi. I'm sorry about your situation, but you will cope. Your girls need you.
I've been divorced for 11 years, have 2 teenage DCs, never thought I'd make it, but I and many others have. Theres been good and bad times, but I managed to come through them.
Good luck, it's early days, but you'll be ok.

Kewcumber Mon 14-Jul-08 15:46:44

I don;t if this helps but my Dad walked out on my Mum after 40 years (just didn;t come home frmo work one day) - she was devastated and she didn;t even have the need to look after us to keep her going.

The forst two years were truly horrednous but then things started getting slowly better - she now tells me that she didn;t beleive me hen I told her she would eventually enjoy living on her own but that its now true!

She had never put petrol in the car before and had to learn a whole load of new skills. But strangely enough she's a much nicer person wihtout him - much more approachable and less involved with him to the exclusion of anyone else.

Do everything slowly - take one day at a time. LEt your GP know - you are a prime candidate for depression - mum had counselling but never needed AD's.

ANTagony Mon 14-Jul-08 15:51:41

I dropped 2 stone in the first 6 weeks, 13 years together. 2 boys then 1 and 3. It was last August. I can't remember much of those first weeks. Auto pilot definitely kicked in.

My heart goes out to you and your daughters. I can remember the complete flabergasted feeling and pain all too clearly.

You are going to need time - its the only thing. Don't expect to much from yourself in these early days 1 hour at a time is exactly right.

Onto practicalities. Its coming up to summer holidays from school. You need time to come to terms with things and get your own head straight. What entertainment can be laid on for your DDs? Are there holiday clubs locally they could go to or can you get some friends to rally round and let you have a little space.

Its worth visiting a solicitor for a session just to get your head around the legal/ financial situation. From the little said it hasn't been your decision and you need to ensure the appropriate measures are taken to protect you and yours not necessarily through the courts but its good to get a feel for where you stand legally just encase. I felt that my first solicitors appointment was me doing something in my control. Whilst I cried my eyes out afterwards it was a positive move towards me feeling my feet on getting control of my life.

I wish I'd discovered mumsnet in those early days I really needed to rant and express frustration. People do care and I've found theres always someone on hear to chat to.

I'm so sorry another family is going through this pain but don't ever feel alone because theres others out here that have seen tough times and you can get through.

davidtennantsmistress Mon 14-Jul-08 15:57:01

agree with ant re MN - without that in the early days of my split, esp the day XH came home n said he wanted to split up, it would have been well - it was a dark time, but with love and support you can and will come thru this.

MN is always here - it's a good bunch of girls on the LP boards - and MN in general if your have anything you want to get off your chest.

I think for the first 5 days all i did was sit, aimlessly stare and cry, whatever your feeling is normal for you, what ever you have to do to make it thru the day do it, (obv not things like bottles of wine etc).

it also helps, beleive it all or not, as I think to a degree our body's/mind's shut down for a bit, but it really helps, to either get away from the situation all together to think clearly. (I went home for 5 weeks) or just focus on your girls, spend all your time with them, and to hell with everything else.

we're all here to help you walk this road thou.

onlyjoking Mon 14-Jul-08 17:36:10

you will be in shock for a while and probably feel numb and tearful, i don't really "know" people on the lone parents board as such, but i do know that generally MN is a very supportive place to be.

DeeLerious Tue 15-Jul-08 05:34:40

Can't sleep & feel sick again. Too many things going on in my head.Thank you all for your support.

I don't have anyone to talk to - no family & all the friends we have we've made as a couple. I couldn't possibly burden them with this it wouldn't be fair.

His job takes him away from home during the week, most weeks. After our 2nd we agreed that I not go back to work full time so I could be there for the children. Youngest has not been a good sleeper since pre birth!

I trusted him implicitly - why shouldn't I? He was working hard and seemed devoted to us when he was home.

Lately, though, I'd felt negleted a little. It was hard to be together as a couple with him being away so much & the girls to look after. I tried to talk to him about it but it went nowhere. I even asked if he had someone else. He laughed at the suggestion - him only having one bollock and all (TC - five years ago) Finally I wrote him a letter - (how absurd! But what else could I do?) Telling him we need to talk. It was then that he told me he has been seeing someone. He wants to leave me. He suggests (get this) that everything stays as we are except when he's home he stays with her. I still get to wash his socks, iron his shirts and sort out his accounts and expenses, and he still gets to see the kids and be there for them. That way, he thinks, it won't disrupt things too much at home. He doesn't want to be nasty about this. How sweet. With that he kissed me goodbye & went off on another business trip - until Thursday!

He is a stubborn DH (have I got that right?) and seems to have set his mind on this.

I really am completely knocked out by lt all. I'm scared & blow me if he's the only person I can talk to. I think he may have set me menopausal too 'cos I have been feeling hot surges of desperation which I cannot control - sending me into fits of tears and frying my brain! The girls think I've got a tummy bug, but they're not silly and they know things aren't right. Got through yesterday without breaking down on them. Not felt so alone since my Mum died (29 years ago).

Thanks again for responding to me. I feel your support and that really does help.

SpeccieSeccie Tue 15-Jul-08 05:52:28

(massive hug)

Your DH sounds a misogynist louse. How dare he waltz off after dropping such a bombshell and trying to make it seem as though he was doing the right thing by his family? angry What a git. Really. I'd be raging.

It sounds as though you are doing brilliantly under the circumstances and being incredibly brave. News like this is a huge shock - are you giving yourself some time to absorb it? Could your girls spend a bit more time at friends in the next few days just to give you space on your own to have a good scream/cry/tear up his clothes? I'm sure you'll want to be really close to them right now but putting on a brave face might be very tiring for you and exhaustion might make you feel more vulnerable.

SpeccieSeccie Tue 15-Jul-08 06:12:43

Oh, and I know lots of people don't like the thought of taking sleeping pills but if you can't sleep it might be worth talking to your GP would could prescribe just a few to get you a couple of good nights so you feel stronger. Or you could look into natural/alternative sleep aids. You'll make better decisions and be more 'you' if you're rested.

(Of course, I realise that sleep isn't the main issue here, sorry not to have better advice)

DeeLerious Tue 15-Jul-08 07:04:47

Yes I know SpeccieSeccie - but I do think he honestly believes he's doing us all a favour. I love him quite unconditionally even with this -and that's not helping me much. Wish I could get angry with him but I keep thinking it must be my fault some how - that he had to search elsewhere. He didn't give me any indication that he was unhappy with us. I thought he had a fanastic life. Different Country each week. Lots of wining & dining with customers & a home with devoted, uncomplaining wife and 2 adorable children who give him masses of attention when he's home because he's away so much. I just thought he'd been so busy lately he didn't realise he was negleting me a little. We had our 23rd wedding anniversary a couple of Sundays ago. Naturally I wanted to go out for a meal to celebrate but he ignored my request & cooked pasta. I guessed he'd had enough of going out to dinner having just got back from a trip but I wanted him to understand that I'm home everyday NOT having fancy meals and would have welcomed the treat. Thought perhaps I was being selfish at the time but I know why now don't I?

Must stop crying & throwing up. Will try to get angrier if you think it will help. Just not my style, though. Will probably end up apologising to him for causing the break up! What a nutter, Eh?

allgonebellyup Tue 15-Jul-08 08:20:10

What a complete arse hole, sorry, but you "still get to wash his socks and iron his shirts" to make sure life stays stable?

WTF???
I hope you told him where to stick it.

You have my entire sympathy, i have been through the same thing in the last 12months, although he didnt cheat on me.
i lost about 2 stone in 4weeks, hair started falling out, couldnt sleep/eat/ want to live any more.
i went on ADs and they helped me a lot, but they took bloody ages to work.

I didnt want to live, but i am still here, yes i still feel v v low on some days, but great on others.
Agree you should focus on being ANGRY rather than sad, i had to make myself do this, and in a little while you WILL be so angry at the fucker.

You will get through this, because you have 2 dds who need you.

xx

davidtennantsmistress Tue 15-Jul-08 09:13:32

oh sweetie.

(((hugs))) first of aqree with allg - what an idiot. angry my X is trying similar but not with the washing.

right, heres what you need to do, put aside details of all of his financial affairs, any important documents. etc. you can do this without him knowing - take photocopys of EVERY THING, pension shares bonds etc the whole lot. if you can get that little bit done before he comes back you'll have made a good start.

remember we're walking this with you, baby steps at first. but I get the impression he likes to be in control - why the hell should you have to put up with all the crap, and he go off swanning around angry - sorry X cheated on me - but found out after the fact, so it's raw with me when men do that.

now the second thing is you need time to absorb everything so until he comes home form his NEXT business trip tell him he's not welcome in the house. you will NOT do his laundry he can ask his bit of fluff or heaven forbid use the laundrette.

I know how much you're hurting right now sweetie believe me - and I was only with X for 8 years, but like you he was my right arm. but you need space to sort things out in your own mind - and when I say that I mean - and yes I know how hard this bit is - YOU decide, YOU take control. YOU tell him how things will be, he wants to keep it friendly - fair enough you can - doesn't mean that he is gonna get things his own way. you need to think - what's best for you and the girls now - disregard his feelings - (as I say I know how hard it is - 10 months on and i'm still thinking at the back of my head oh X would like that - if I see something out, but don't get it)

((hugs)) I wish I could say more, get down to your dr's as well - if you need it.

where are you in the country - MN is dotted around, so maybe one of us is in your area for a sounding board, or even a friendly face for a coffee where you can 'forget' things for a bit so you don't feel quite so alone.

remember you need RL support as well, but you do have us as well. - your girls will realise whats' happening when your H stops with this other woman.

He might be stubborn, but you need to think smart - he will be believe me, I knew my X could be sneeky, but didn't realise quite how much until after the event how long he'd be planning things. I wouldn't be surprised if this is the tip of things, and he's already been seeing sols etc.

oh and that's not early menopause I don't think - it's a natural reaction. you need your best girl friends around you - do you have one or two you can confide in who won't talk about it to anyone else - not even their DH's - well unless to say you're having a few probs?

things will get better, I know you don't think it now, but you can do this, you have to for your girls.

DeeLerious Tue 15-Jul-08 10:16:19

Thanks.

I can't be thinking like that. Not yet anyway. It's as much as I can do to sort the girls out without cracking.
I don't think he's been sneaky - not with the money anyway!
Think I need to talk to him first. That's a big problem. I'm sure he wasn't going to say anything until after the Summer Hols. I messed his plans up a little bit. Oooooh I still can't believe it. What an IDIOT.........

....AAAAARRRRRGH! Sorry - having another fight the tears moment.

Anyway it's the girls I'm thinking of here. I can't just kick him out. Might have done if it was just the two of us. What's wrong with me? Is this so weird?

Doesn't anyone think it's worth me fighting for him? Yes I know, He's CHEATING on me, oh God, stop it. But does it never work out? I wish there was a sequel to Love Actually, there might be some answers in there somewhere.

allgonebellyup Tue 15-Jul-08 10:28:35

dont know what to say really, but i think you know yourself that you cannot continue a relationship with him if he doesnt respect you any more.

Would you be happy knowing he was slinking off to have sex with another woman whilst you were sitting at home mending his socks???

You need your self respect, but i know it is very very painful to let your whole marriage go.

davidtennantsmistress Tue 15-Jul-08 10:29:25

if you want to fight for it, and you think what you guys have is worth saving then please do go for it. but make sure it's on your terms not his. he can't have his cake and eat it - which tbh is what he's asking for.

over on the relationships boards, there's a few ladies over there - hmm, non springing to mind thou at the mo, who's partners/husbands have cheated and they're working thru things - happy woman I think is one such lady.

truly and honestly thou, don't make any rash decisions either way - take time, absorb before you decide which way you want to go.

and crying - as I say the first 5 days! you're grieving for the future you could have and should have had, the plans you'd made, and the life and relationship what has now gone - even if you do fight for things and stop together, the dynamics of your relationship will change, so you'll need to both learn to adapt to that iycwim.

DeeLerious Tue 15-Jul-08 11:48:05

I'm abit mixed up at the moment I guess. No I wouldn't sit and darn his socks for him while he's with another woman. I just don't think he's really thought this out and is caught up with the thrills of a new relationship. If he really doesn't care for me anymore then I will have no choice but to accept that. That's when I think the anger will set in. I'm just finding it so hard to get my head round it. Still can't believe it's real or that he'd do such a thing. I had no reason to suspect foul play. Just thought he was being a bit thoughtless towards me & we never get to be away from the kids much. We were a great team. I thought he just needed a nudge back into the "us" part of it all. Have I been so niave?

I really don't know what I want at the moment. House is a mess but I have lttle inclination to do ought about it now.

I know what you mean by greiving. I'm shit scared of doing this alone & of being alone to do it!! This is odd to me because I've effectively been a single parent for more than 7 years now on account of his working away so much.

I've been reading some of the other threads and you've all had/are having so much more crap to deal with than me. I feel ashamed to be such a wimp here.

I'm an Essex old girl. What do you mean by MNs around? DT'sM

allgonebellyup Tue 15-Jul-08 11:50:35

Agree you need to go through the grieving process. i was in denial for a while too, sometimes i still am, and have all these stupid fantasies in my head that he will come back to me one day.

You need time, he needs time, you need to know where your life is going.

DeeLerious Tue 15-Jul-08 12:10:53

Thank you Bellyup. I had toast this morning & it's still in. Things are looking up already.

ambercat Tue 15-Jul-08 12:29:38

I'm 3 months on from h leaving me and finding out about his ow. What you are feeling is shock. I was in denial for at least a month its only in the last few weeks i'm starting to get angry.

I was willing to try and make it work with h but he has shown no indication he wants to. I do think relationships can get through the aftermath of an affair but both people have to really want to make it work.

You must establish that he can't have his ow and keep a nice family life, it isn't fair on you. I think my h thought he could just come home as and when he wanted and we would keep having family days / holidays etc! not going to happen!

You will start to feel better but it will take time, i am just starting to have good days, but still lots of bad one when i can't believe this has happened. big hugs to you, be brave.

Ewe Tue 15-Jul-08 12:29:44

That's great Dee, a positive step! Sugary tea is always good in these situations, it will keep you functioning if food decides to keep reappearing.

How about you get started on the practical stuff? See a solicitor, you need your H (he does not deserve the "D") to realise that if this is what he wants i.e the other woman, then that's what he'll get. Pack his bags for him, when he gets back from his trip HE explains why he is moving out to the kids, you then serve him with divorce papers and arrange contact.

This will make it really hit home for him and if he really wants out you need to do all of the above anyway, if he just wants to have it all then it may make him think about what is really important to him.

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