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Tell me why I shouldn't strangle my Ex tomorrow?

(15 Posts)
Tippychick Sun 13-Jul-08 22:14:58

Ex has been Ex for a year officially, in practice since my 22 month old was born pretty much. We split because of his laziness, selfishness and ability to put everything else in the world before us (whilst self rightously moaning how everything he does is for us blady blah).Amongst other reasons.

So when I call him to ask if he is planning to turn up tomorrow to see DD for his weekly couple of hours (btw, this is after a 4 month gap when he couldn't manage it, he's been coming again regularly for about 6 weeks) I ask if he thinks he could see her/take her out for more than from 4-6 on a Monday afternoon in my home. Her grandparents (whom she adores and sees lots of) are away for a few weeks and she is feeling a bit bereft and sick of me! I've asked him a few times before now and texted him to remind him so it wasn't out of the blue.And the conversation ran along like this, word for word:

Me: So can you manage another day or a full afternoon in the next 3 weeks?
Him: Well, I'll have to see, I'm very busy with stuff
Me (bit stroppy): So am I actually. Are you saying you're busier than me, with my job, a baby, a house and our two dogs to care for by myself 24 hours a day? You can't commit to any time at all in the next three weeks?
Him: Yes I am, you don't know how hard I have to work.

At this point I suggested we had nothing more to say to each other in that case and put the phone down before I used all my swear words in one go. Tell me I'm not being unreasonable, a nag, expecting the impossible and just doing this to make him feel guilty? Cos that's what I'll be told tomorrow.
Grrrrrr. At least he is kind enough to remind me EVERY time why he's now my ex....

beanieb Sun 13-Jul-08 22:19:29

erm, well when you read back what you said, doesn't it sound a bit unfair. A better answer might have been 'ok,we'll see but can you let me know asap because I'd really appreciate it if you could'

Might have opened up a bit of communication between the two off you, but instead he just got a long barrage of things you have to do.

I do undersand it must be frustrating for you ...

charlotte121 Sun 13-Jul-08 22:34:29

I have this exact same problem with my dcs dad. he ignores dd and only spends time with ds. i get no money frmo him and even if i "BOOK" Him in for a visit weeks in advance something always crops up that is moreimportant than his kids. he puts eveerythign beofre them and im sick and tired of it. I dont have a solution for u im afraid as im still fighting this losing battle. all i will say is that is him that will have to answer to your dc when theyre older and if he loses contact with her and then wants to be a part of her life she may want nothing to do with him.

All you can do is be the best mum u can be. hes a total arse by the sounds of it... you just have to forget about him as such, dont rely on him for support or help and then its easier in the long run. you dont end up being disapointed for your kids then.

hope things start to get better for uyou. hugs x

charlotte121 Sun 13-Jul-08 22:36:13

The other thing i would suggest is to write him a letter. dont show any emotion in it. Just place the facts down on paper for him to see... you have a busy life and you need his help and that he will have to tell dd why he wasnt there when she is older. perhaps that might get through to him and it gives you a chance to say what you need to withut him butting in.

Tippychick Sun 13-Jul-08 22:51:29

I know beanieb, I do let fly the minute he comes out with something like that. But he just drives me crazy - I practically have to walk him to the door to arrange contact for just a couple of hours with DD, I give him weeks of notice that it would be good if he could come twice on of these weeks and he won't be pinned down. If I had given your answer he would have never mentioned it again, I'd bet my pathetic savings on it.

And you're right about communication but again, it feels like (cos it is) I'm the one pushing for mediation, to arrange regular contact, to keep him informed about the baby and he just takes it. Turns up once a week, gets to be Fun Dad, throws money and excitement at her for a few hours and deposits her on me hyperactive, with a full nappy and then I'm picking up the pieces for the next few days.

I guess I'm just fed up being the grown up. Yes, your answer would have been much better. But how am I in the wrong for being a bit snitty with him when he's the one who won't make his child a priority, ever? If he was a consistently committed parent who said once that he was too busy and I was stroppy with him, grand - that's me being arsey. But as he's consistently crap, lazy and using his time with her as something he has the power to withold over me and then I get cross with him - I'm in the wrong for snapping? I know that's not what you're saying but it's how it feels....

But I'm preaching to the choir right? I know you all have much more hassle with your exes and this seems trivial and maybe I am turning into a naggy old shrew sad But please tell me you're not all reasonable, calm and considered with your exes the whole time?

Thanks for the hug btw charlotte, right back atcha.

Ate Sun 13-Jul-08 22:54:36

Definition of 'a nag' : Someone whose needs aren't being met!

If fault lies, it's with the ignorer. He isn't open to your requests and because he's no longer with you, may feel he owes you nothing. (Despicable thought process that it is!)

He does, OTOH, owe his daughter quality time. He's partly responsible for her very being and a discussion along those lines might be a more successful approach?

Try making it clear that you aren't asking for favours, just help in making your DD's life a little more varied, for your DD.

If all else fails, go ahead with plan A wink

Ate Sun 13-Jul-08 22:54:39

Definition of 'a nag' : Someone whose needs aren't being met!

If fault lies, it's with the ignorer. He isn't open to your requests and because he's no longer with you, may feel he owes you nothing. (Despicable thought process that it is!)

He does, OTOH, owe his daughter quality time. He's partly responsible for her very being and a discussion along those lines might be a more successful approach?

Try making it clear that you aren't asking for favours, just help in making your DD's life a little more varied, for your DD.

If all else fails, go ahead with plan A wink

Tippychick Sun 13-Jul-08 23:20:51

Am taking it all on board, thanks. Trouble is, we're generally quite amicable and if I initiate that discussion tomorrow he will swear the moon down that all he wants is the best for DD, she is the most important and all he cares about, how the reason he is busy is for her. Though I can't work that one out as the maintenance doesn't increase on the weeks he's too busy so unless he's working on a trust fund I can't see how it's all for her.
Then if I am reasonable and articulate (as I usually am, honest) and explain how he needs to commit to seeing her more and the reasons I ask, he will agree. And say he will try in future. Then do nothing and wait for me to make all the running again.

I won't resort to plan A, that's just my fantasy sometimes! It'll all just pan out as usual, I'll have a meaningful talk with him where I am direct and calm (after much practising in my head), he will agree with everything I say then ignore me. T'was ever thus.

oops Sun 13-Jul-08 23:26:04

Message withdrawn

Tippychick Sun 13-Jul-08 23:29:16

sorry oops, stop what? letting him see her?

I get your point about not chasing him but she's old enough now to be expecting to see him, I should have done that experiment when she was too young to notice him not turning up.

piratecat Sun 13-Jul-08 23:31:43

def stop doing the running, however unfiar it seems, however much yu want yuor dd to see her dad.

i ranmyself ragged, stod up for dd's rights, stood u for HIS rights, and organised ot all for far too long.

I stopped last yr, and yuo can countthe number of times he has made a serious plan to be in contact with dd on half of one hand.

it hurts, but tbh, you need to get on with it.

he has joined the new breed now , the ex who has totally lost all sense of responsibility and respect.

Ate Sun 13-Jul-08 23:33:49

While you're both in a calm place to discuss it all, could you calmly proffer a written agreement for him to sign? wink

(Fantasy plan A's are great for easing the anger at times like this, I find!)

oops Sun 13-Jul-08 23:35:48

Message withdrawn

Tippychick Sun 13-Jul-08 23:47:00

all true. am off to sleep on it, thanks for the friendly ears smile

will let you know if I'm looking at 10 to twenty tomorrow Ate grin

Tippychick Mon 14-Jul-08 18:28:54

Well, he's still here and I haven't killed him yet.
Asked him v politely to think about seeing DD some extra over the next few weeks. Turns out he is off on his holliers when his job finishes this week and that's why he was being edgy about it. I'm not sure when he was planning on telling me he wouldn't be turning up for the next fortnight?

So I am NOT being mad that he is swanning off for a fortnight in the sun while I stay home and wipe bums and walk dogs. I hope it keeps fine for him and that no tropical diseases AT ALL come his way. Honest.

He did say that I should take DD away abroad. I didn't point out that I used up all my holiday allocation when she was sick this winter, I can't afford a holiday, let alone kennels and nursery fees I'm not going to use etc etc etc. See that floaty thing? That's me rising above it all....... grin

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