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(42 Posts)
prettyfly1 Sat 12-Jul-08 15:12:54

Tried to keep this under wraps yesterday while i processed but now i need to vent.

Just because life is not shitty enough right now and i am already struggling financially i am being made fxxking redundant. I slogged and slaved and pushed fourteen hours a day in my job through all the crap with L and the mis and everything else - through my sons nightmares. through a boss who hates me and finally got to permanent status to be LAID FECKING OFF.

The job market is shite, i am alredy up to my eyes in bills, ill get very little as i havent been there long enough and the likeliehood is after finally making the break with L, which is the most painful thing i have ever done and is killing every day anyway i will for the first time ever have to claim benefits - they will chase him and he will blame me starting it all up again. FXXKEDY FXKING ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Will stop now.

glitterfairy Sat 12-Jul-08 16:27:13

Oh God prettyfly I am so sorry. Nothing I can say but how crap! sad

fawkeoff Sat 12-Jul-08 17:09:19

so sorry for you sweetie....but they dont have to necessarily start chasing him

prettyfly1 Sat 12-Jul-08 17:31:30

thanks guys. i cant believe how sxxtty i feel right now. i know it ssounds a bit daft but i really do feel like someone upstairs has it in for me at the moment. ei the start of this week i actually said that i was pleased everything was settling down a bit, i could get straightened out and have some peace to heal for a few months. now i just want to go to bed and stay there.

glitterfairy Sat 12-Jul-08 17:50:58

I remember a time prettyfly when I thought oh god what else can happen!

I lost everything, xh, house, stuff xh stole from me and nearly my kids twice as he fought me, my dogs had to go and strangely that was the last straw and I went bankrupt and probably had a breakdown.

I am better now and stronger than I have ever been and my kids are with me 24/7. I am in a rented house but I dont care what I have I pay for and is mine.

That fresh air at my window whistles round and although things can be hard I have realised that losing everything and my two years of hell is over now and I am still here and so are my kids.

I am sending you a huge hug because I know how hard it is really but as my eldest always said it will be ok and we will get through this.

prettyfly1 Sat 12-Jul-08 17:58:36

thanks glitter. i no that really i do but dear lord how much more. i am so tired - i have fought for four years to build this life and i know the part of me that did that is still there somewhere. i just cant find her right now.

bignutbrownhare Sat 12-Jul-08 20:57:02

Shit prettyfly, that's harsh. Try to look upon it as a very trying time in your life that you'll somehow battle through for you and your DS. Visualise yourself a year down the line, having coped and being stronger for it. I worked and was well paid for 20 years before my DD came along, was made redundant just as I found out I was pregnant (complete shock to me, thought I couldn't conceive). Didn't tell them I was pregnant because there was a pay off involved wich was worth more than maternity leave and they wouldn't have been able to make me redundant if they'd known I was pregnant. Anyway, dd is now 13 months, I am a single parent and on benefits. The complete opposite to the well-paid career girl I was, but I don't care because I have dd. I am freelancing, but the work has dried up recently and I don't know how I'll manage to pay my mortgage, so I'll probably end up selling my lovely flat (in a shitty property market to boot) and having to rent. But, at the end of the day, as GF says, none of it matters as long as you have your dcs with you and they are happy and loved. Don't even think about the benefits thing, you've paid into the system and now it's payback time, that's how I looked at it. Call them, you can get child tax credits and working tax credits sorted out very easily on the phone.

prettyfly1 Sat 12-Jul-08 21:15:29

cheers bnbh. i really really really dont want to go down the benefit route. i live for work. the idea of not working terrifies me. its jsut one more thing for everyone (read him) to say i have failed at and cant get right

prettyfly1 Sat 12-Jul-08 21:17:20

cheers bnbh. i really really really dont want to go down the benefit route. i live for work. the idea of not working terrifies me. its jsut one more thing for everyone (read him) to say i have failed at and cant get right

bignutbrownhare Sat 12-Jul-08 21:44:19

Prettyfly, that could have been me talking just over a year ago. Always worked, always defined myself by my work, really important to me to be able to say 'I am a blah blah'. But what defines me now is being a mother, no career can come anywhere close.
I'm older than you, in my early 40's, so when circumstance dictated, it was probably easier for me to make the transition, having become jaded of the commuting and the office politics anyway.
Please don't worry about the benefits thing, look upon it as a temporary measure until you get another job sorted out, as I said, you've paid into the system and deserve to get something back now that you need it. There's plenty of people who work the system and never put anything in, you are not one of those people.
I think one of your concerns is what he'll think and you really need to let go of that and start working on how to move forward in the best way for you and your ds. You haven't failed, you haven't got it wrong, you've done, and are doing, everything you can to ensure the best future for your child. If he can't see that, can't respect you for how you are coping, that really is his problem. Men need to understand that when they make women into mothers, it's a whole new ballgame. Sadly, there's too few men who do understand that, which is why so many relationships fail within the first year of having a baby, mine included. There's rarely room for two babies in a relationship iykwim hmm.

prettyfly1 Sat 12-Jul-08 21:49:07

yes i do know that. i think i would actually really like to go back to uni full time instead of slogging it out on top of work tbh but that means benefits and i am so scared of what he will do if that happens. i covered for him for years and wouldnt do it - if i asked for help it was always the wrong time and when i finally told him i would take him through csa he went mental, informed me i had ruined everyones life, it was all my fault that (at the time) i was unwell and work was being affected and that his son and i were dead to him. he hates us both and hates that our son exists and doesnt hide the fact. i am scared that if he is forced to contribute it will all start up again and i cant deal with that.

bignutbrownhare Sat 12-Jul-08 22:04:00

He won't be forced to contribute if you apply for benefits, you won't even have to give his name, you'll be making the claim as a single parent. All they'll be interested in is your circumstances. Very angry that he said these things to you and about your ds, it will come back to him in spades. Battle through love, you're strong and will get there, in the meanwhilst, karma will get this fucker in the end.

prettyfly1 Sat 12-Jul-08 22:12:05

i thought they jumped on it for income support. they did when i looked at it when my son was first born. hence why i went back so quickly.

lilyloo Sat 12-Jul-08 22:20:54

pretty so sorry you having to face this not much to say but couldn't ignore from other thread!

prettyfly1 Sat 12-Jul-08 22:21:52

thanks lily!!

singledadofthree Sat 12-Jul-08 22:22:42

i think i know what youre getting at. i was on benefits when my ex left me to it. even tho i was claiming the csa never persued her for money as far as i'm aware. and when i was working full time i asked them to act for me and they said i wasnt entitled to anything.

i'd get on the phone to them - the dss and csa - on monday and see where you'd stand.

prettyfly1 Sat 12-Jul-08 22:23:49

single i will do that cheers

macdoodle Sat 12-Jul-08 22:29:50

oh prettyfly how shitty just when you were getting it all together - sorry no advice am afraid - finances here pretty dire too so I know how scary it is - I think you do need to pursue him TBH - its not your fault and don't let him make you think it is....

prettyfly1 Sat 12-Jul-08 22:31:51

hey mac thanks. i have that voice in my head saying "dont panic it will all work out better" - i did hate my freaking job anyway and only took it for the money - but jesus all at once?

bignutbrownhare Sat 12-Jul-08 22:34:13

Sorry, was talking about tax credits (i.e. if you're working 16 hours a week). Xp and I had a joint claim (he has a son) and then I called them and told them I was making a single claim for me and my ds and it was pretty straightforward, even though I thought it would be a nightmare as I'm freelance and couldn't actually prove how many hours a week I worked, they average it out over a year. I think you're always better off with tax credits, so even if you could sort out a part time job doing anything (just temporarily) that might be the way forward? I'm no expert on this though, but I'm sure there's plenty of MNers who are. Dd has had me up since 5am so off to bed now. Stay strong prettyfly, despite the anger and the hurt, you have the greatest gift in the world, your dc.

prettyfly1 Sat 12-Jul-08 22:37:34

thanks bbnb sleep well lovey

GirlySquare Sun 13-Jul-08 07:04:16

prettyfly I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. I agree with bnbh's great advice, please phone dss and csa tomorrow. Why not try this website for an estimate of benefits entitlement in the meantime.

mylittlepudding Sun 13-Jul-08 08:23:17

I'm so sorry prettyfly, that is truly horrible timing and I am not surprised you want to shout and swear and crawl under the duvet. I actually think those are pretty reasonable things to do, tbh, in the situation.

I hope you can get some sort of financial help for the temporary time until you are in work again. It will happen - I am sure it must be hard to believe it though.

prettyfly1 Sun 13-Jul-08 10:07:03

I have another month or so until i need to panic badly but it really has just been the worst year over. There was the childminder i trusted hurting my son - hence why i let his father back in. then i took a job which i lost after three months because the nursery called me out almost every day for six weeks, then continued to call me every time i went temping, hence why the finances are so bad, then i finally settled into this one which i thought was the best opportunity ever, find out i was expecting, missed, exs crap escalated to the point of nights at the exs and online sleaze lying about our beautiful ds who has been hurt enough, the boss who hates me, not really being very good at it and beating all of it to hold my head up and be proud. for nothing. absolutely nothing. i just feel like all i have done for the last year is screw up and fail my son and we had such a lovely life- he deserves so much more then this.

glitterfairy Sun 13-Jul-08 11:54:03

Prettyfly, your x sounds like an abusive s**t to be honest.

He has a kid and should therefore pay his way. My x pays nothing but I will pursue him if only because he should face his responsibilities properly. I have to say I find it very tiring but nevertheless I wont let him off.

There is nothing worse than a parent who does not pay what they ought to for raising their children.

As for your son he will know how hard you worked for him and never forget it.

What do you do for work?

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