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tiny scared voice says hello

(107 Posts)
humanbean Fri 04-Jul-08 20:40:02

Hello all.

First posting under this topic. Newly "single".
H gone.
Terrified.
Does it get better?
When?
Have ds. Baby.

littleboyblue Fri 04-Jul-08 20:44:44

Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't help but from reading your title and then your message, didn't want to leave it un-replied.
I'm sure it will get easier.

clam Fri 04-Jul-08 20:51:11

I expect there are going to be some times when you feel terrified, and others when you see some positives. But that's what we're all here for! smile Don't suffer alone.

humanbean Fri 04-Jul-08 20:52:30

Thanks. When? In a few years?
Didn't want or intend to be a lone parent.
Such a shock.

clam Fri 04-Jul-08 20:53:44

Was H going a shock? Mutual decision? Long time coming?
Coz if things had been very bad for a long time, then it might be easier to feel a bit of relief at his having gone. If you still love and want him, and didn't want him to go, then it's a whole different ballgame. either way, there are many on MN in a similar boat, so I'm sure there will be others along in a while to help.

madamez Fri 04-Jul-08 20:55:32

Poor you - but better a single parent than a parent trapped with an arsehole partner, always remember that. There are lots of positives to single parenthood, especially when you have a young baby: for one thing you can enjoy the baby without having to worry about a partner's feeling left out. Also, friends and family will rally round and help out more when you are on your own so you can get a little time to yourself.

humanbean Fri 04-Jul-08 21:02:09

Hadn't been good but didn't think this would happen. He's just gone. Posted elsewhere about it but have stopped now. So joining this topic instead as have to get head round being single parent.

Love him? Probably. Want him? No. Have him back if he ever turned up? Impossible.
Love him? Probably. Want him? No. etc etc
At this time of night, every night, it's just awful.

Making a "daddy box" for baby - pics, cards we sent, wedding pics etc. Don't know if it's a good idea or not. He was a shit. But ds will be curious one day will he not?

humanbean Fri 04-Jul-08 21:06:07

Am not in contact with family. Friends - not many here. They're scattered and too far away.

God the weather is crap. Makes things worse. It's blowng a gale out there.

What's the mourning period for a five year marriage that just imploded?

madamez Fri 04-Jul-08 21:10:19

Whereabouts are you humanbean? There may well be MNers nearby: if not then it's worth checking out mum and baby groups etc: sometimes it's easier to make friends, at least friends who will be a bit of company if not best bosom buddies, if you have similar age DC.
The nights will probably still be bad for a while, it's always awful when you've just split up: make sure you are taking the best possible care of yourself WRT eating, sleeping etc.

humanbean Fri 04-Jul-08 21:17:36

Can't go out. Had beans for tea. Sleep escapes me.

clam Fri 04-Jul-08 21:43:21

Ah, but you have complete say over the TV remote! You can watch whatever rubbish you like without fear of anyone tutting, or wanting to switch channels.
You can nip out to the loo without someone saying "stick the kettle on while you're out there"

humanbean Fri 04-Jul-08 21:50:04

We liked the same programmes. Apart from eastenders which he loathed. But then quite often university challenge was on at same time on other side and I like that too.

sad

Haven't watched any tv since he went. Apart from tennis while giving ds his bottle.

I need to learn to hate him and live with the silence.

OverMyDeadBody Fri 04-Jul-08 21:56:06

oh poor you sad

The pain does ease though, and it is better to be single than be trapped in an unhappy relationship.

IMO you don't need to learn to hate him, that would be a waste of energy, hate only hurts the person doing the hating. You just need to close that chapter of your life, accept that the relationship ran its natural course, and live for today. For the present and the good future and all the posibilities that lay before you.

OverMyDeadBody Fri 04-Jul-08 21:56:57

Night times are hardest though sad I still get lonely at night.

humanbean Fri 04-Jul-08 22:12:01

No. I need to hate him. It didn't run its natural course. He disappeared. That isn't natural.

Hate can be a strong healthy emotion if used as a catalyst. Detest is maybe a more benign word for it.

Need to loathe him in order to be strong for ds. poor little chap

OverMyDeadBody Fri 04-Jul-08 23:04:37

Ok, in that case ye, you need to hate him. But just make sure it doesn't become all consuming. Hate him for a period of time, and then put it behind you and be free of the hate, because it can turn people bitter and twisted and your DS doesn't need that in his mummy.

Joolyjoolyjoo Fri 04-Jul-08 23:08:31

I'm not actually a lone parent, but DH is in the forces and away a lot, which carries its own problems. I find it can actually be easier in some ways to manage on your own. And you get a great sense of acheivement from all the things that YOU do on your own. My kids are very very close to me, and they actually slightly resent DH coming home because he takes my attention away from them a bit. Sorry, I'm not sure if this helps, but it has proved to me that I CAN do it on my own, and that it is doubly rewarding.

Quattrocento Fri 04-Jul-08 23:10:15

Message withdrawn

copingvquietly Fri 04-Jul-08 23:13:56

hi humanbean.im a single mum with a young baby too.how old is your baby?
youll find lots of really good support on mnsmile

Quattrocento Fri 04-Jul-08 23:28:41

Sorry. Upon reflection, I think my last post was very tactless and I have asked for it to be deleted.

<memo to self, must not post in gushy rush of enthusiasm after a glass of wine>

madamez Fri 04-Jul-08 23:45:30

Humanbean: why can't you go out? If you have a mobility problem I apologise, but if you feel that you can't bear to speak to people outside then you might need some extra help like a short course of ADs. If you shut yourself away with your baby you can get into these awful cyclical thought patterns that drag you down: just a change of scenery like a walk in the park can help a lot (and people in general are amazingly friendly to a mum with a newborn: nearly everyone will smile and many people will make a passing friendly remark) - I get the impression that you have moved to a new area, maybe?
And I would be cautious about hating your XP: hate does you as much if not more harm as it does the other person. What you want to aim for is a sort of amicable derision - 'Poor old XP, he can't help being a bit of a dingbat, I am so much better than him'.
Something else that helps a lot when you are unhappy is to pretend that you are strong and happier and getting over the pain: if you act like you are the person you want to be, you will become that person.
Keep posting, MN is marvellous for encouragement and info and finding people who know how you feel because they've been there too.

mashedup Sat 05-Jul-08 00:00:21

Hi. There will be good and bad days, but it will get better. I can't give a time limit though - that will depend on your circumstances.
Try to look after yourself, and enjoy time with your baby. It's not easy being a lone parent, but it's better than being in an unhappy relationship.
My kids have been a lot happier since I got divorced. I used to get angry and wish I'd married a decent man, but now I'm calmer and have learnt to enjoy being independent.
I'm sure you'll cope.

humanbean Sat 05-Jul-08 00:03:02

Thanks quattro. How is it you pop up on all these threads? Do you have Thread Management Software?

Ds is seven and a half months. A poppet. How old is yours copingvshhh?

It's midnight! Am about to turn into pumpkin. Herald the carriage and horses!

ok the stairs...dressing gown....brush gnashing teeth to wails of despair...

Quattrocento Sat 05-Jul-08 00:10:24

No TMS here. Even if such a thing exists, I would not be competent to use it, I'm afraid. Just a bit preoccupied and MN distracts me.

Really sorry about freaking you out earlier.

humanbean Sat 05-Jul-08 00:10:39

Madamez I do have a mobility problem. It's called Post-Abandonment-Paralysis.
Or PAP as it's known in this kitchen.
It will get better.
Am on highest legal level of ADs.
I have moved to another area...it's called "what the fark is this Area of the bed that is empty???"

ok, going to smile now.

Ready?

here goes...

grin

sad

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