have found out prob one of the reasons dd started to refuse to go to her dad's last oct

[piratecat]

Poor thing sobbed her heart out the other night, saying she needed to tell me something, but it involved rude words.

I said it was ok to tell me. Well she overheard xe dh and his gf calling me a fat pig, a cow and a fucker.

hmm, methinks this would cause alot of pain for a 6 yr old to hear thier mummy described like t his.

I was bloody fuming, and very sad/angry that she had heard it, let alone held it in for all these months.

When I think of all the times I have talked her thro stuff, she has had this on her mind. She said she wanted to rush in to the kitchen and tell them her mummy was a lovely mummy.

oh and we also got on the subject of smoking, and she told me, 'daddy smokes much bigger things than you mummy. He puts brown stuuf, and green stuff in, a bit like food, like spices, and it really smells.'

what the fuck, can he not skin up out of sight, or later, or not at all, when she was there??

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[kittycats]

I feel so sorry for your little one, how can a father be like this in front of their little one.I cant believe how cruel he is,doesnt he know how hearing/seeing this can effect young children.

The only good thing is at least she can come to you and tell you.

[SparklePrincess]

That made me sad to read. Im totally astounded by some men`s complete lack of common sense when it comes to their kids.

I dread to think what my ex says to the dc about me, & I know he doesnt take as much care with them as he should. He takes them to Ikea & clothes shopping for his girlfriend when they stay with him, then wonders why they want to come home early or refuse to go at all.

The bit about him skining up infront of her is very worrying. Does he have any contact at all with dd now, or has it stopped completely?

[MegReally]

does she have to go?

[piratecat]

he rings now and then, she never likes to talk on the phone. she hasn't been to his since oct, he hasn't bothered to make an effort to make regular visits to her.

I came down this morning to see she's written this on her chalk board.

Dear Mummy, Daddy is a silly daddy and doesnt deserve me,

love from

piratekitten.

she is gradually coming to her own true but sad conclusions, and i am trying to guide her thro this.

[piratecat]

i havent forced her to go for months.

[lostdad]

Yes, it is completely wrong. As hard as it may be for him - he should not be running you down in front of your dd. Doing that sort of thing will only ever cause her stress and upset. I cannot express what I think about my ex, but I will never say a bad word against her to my son because she is his mother.

SparklePrincess: Would you please mind stop attributing everything negative to `men'? There are good parents and bad parents - it has nothing to do with gender.

[fawkeoff]

he is a complete fuck head and she is jealous.....but how dare they speak about you in that way, especially with your daughter there.
If he wants to smoke weed then he should do it on all the other nights that he doesn't have her rise above it sweetie, asnd if she doesnt want to stay there then dont make her go

[piratecat]

he just married her two weeks ago. dd pretty down about it, we went away for the whole shabang.

Its about dd letting go now, but very hard for a little girl to do that.Been hard for me too with this constant drip drip crap.

I had to see the inlaws at the weekend too, it was pretty weird. dd got on fine with them (they live abroad and visit once a yr) yet very confused as of course she doesn't get the same atention/love form her dad.

I just hope we keep going upwards and forwards, with respect to her feelings about him, as it pains me so much to see her upset every might and not be able to fix it. I have siad this umpteen times but I just need to vent.

[MegReally]

if she hasn't been for months then he just needs gently 'forgetting about' - don't make a big deal out of him, don't bring him up unless she does, just acknowledge her feelings about him and then move off the subject. Why is she bringing this up now, I wonder? why is he a subject of conversation? is he trying to get more access

[wonderstuff]

Must be so hard for you, what a prat. Fancy skinning up in front of her? But the positive thing is that a)she can talk to you and b)she knows that he is behaving badly. 6yo and she has a better idea about right and wrong than her father.

[piratecat]

meg, it's becuase she saw his parents for the first time in a year , and he got married two weeks ago.

I think she felt she needed more ammo to tell me why she didn't want to go to his house. yet I havent asked her if she wants to see him in a while.
Also I have no idea what they might have siad to her when i was out of earshot.

[SparklePrincess]

Sorry lostdad, didnt mean to offend or generalize. I suppose my feelings are coloured by my own bad experiences.

[lostdad]

Fair enough - I find myself doing it...I'm doing my best to realise that not all women are like my ex too!

[prettyfly1]

hey there. i am sorry your little un had to go through this - how awful for her. its sounds like she has one lovely parent (ld and sparkle - being careful not to generalise ) and i am glad to hear you take such a sensible approach. give her a cuddle from us!!

[prettyfly1]

and lost - all women are definately not like your ex - a great many of us would be very grateful indeed to have such a caring devoted dad involved in our kids lives!

[PurpleOne]

Aww piratecat, that's just bloody hurtful.

My dd's have to listen to exh and his wife slag me off. She left dd1 a lovely message on her voicemail last year, and since then dd1 doesn't go anymore.
dd2 still goes but she's such a grass, she'd tell me everything. They tell her I don't deserve to get married again, am ugly, nasty bitch etc.

All I can do is reassure and that they are loved and cared for here.....

Breaks my bloody heart it does.

Wishing you and your dd all the best hun x x

[colditz]

Shove a fucking grenade up his useless arse, the bastard.

[thumbwitch]

bless the little soul, how awful for her and how lovely that she wanted to stand up for you. Shame her daddy is such a useless fecker, isn't it.
My bro's bitch girlfriend has just left him - they have 4 year old twins, boy and girl, and she has already started the evil manipulation - already the poor little things are more subdued and somewhat disorientated about everything and she has told them that "Daddy hurt her", when he was restraining her from destroying his office-at-home.
I feel so sorry for kids caught in the middle of this stuff, it makes me want to give them all big hugs - hugs to you piratecat & kitten, and also PurpleOne and dds

[PurpleOne]

Thumbwitch. I like your username

Just for the record my dd's are 13 and 10. And they still cry.

Am so sick of all the tears. They (exh and wife) should know better but it'll never change.

It's water off a ducks back to me, but my kids? It's just turning it all into hatred for them and nothing like how I expected it to be when we divorced in 2000. But my kids turn on each other, thinking daddy has his favourites..

Piratecat, just reread the original post. He SKINS up in front of your dd?
That's bloody awful treatment of a 6 year old girl IMVHO. Can you not see a solicitor hun?
That is abuse in my eyes.
You are doing a damn fine job there pirate. All you have to do is just be there for them, support them...and guide them through the tears. And rest in the knowledge you are bringing her up well, and being a fantastic mum.

Ack, I'm rambling - time for bed.

Sending everyone blessings x x x

[SofiaAmes]

Oh how absolutely awful. My heart goes out to your little one. Unfortunately it never ends. Dh was just telling me a few days ago how his ds who is now 15 (was almost 5 when his ex left him) just told him that he doesn't care what his mum says about him (dh)...he still thinks he's a wonderful dad who loves him more than anything. Dh tried so hard to be a participating dad and his ex thwarted him at every turn and slagged him and me off to the kids at every opportunity. I finally stopped all contact with them when I moved out of the country (dh commutes back and forth) as I just couldn't take the abuse. But dh is just so torn up that he has been portrayed as this awful person that doesn't care for or love his kids. What I don't understand is what his ex could possibly think it does to the kids to constantly demean their father. It can do nothing but upset and hurt them. How could any parent do that do their children. Anyway...done with my rant.

I think that at some point, when you can muster up the calm, it would be a good idea to let your ex know what your dd overheard and how much it upset her. At some point it may be important to/for her to try to re-establish a relationship with her father and it would be helpful for your dd for him to understand how he destroyed the relationship in the first place (so it doesn't just become your fault). But it's important that you convey what happened to him in a calm and neutral manner so that he doesn't just dismiss it as the ravings of an ex. I would probably leave out the bit about skinning up in front of your dd for now. That's just idiot behavior that is not evil, just dumb and probably not going to change. (My idiot neighbor has prostitutes over "after his dd has gone to bed" and somehow truly believes that his 6 year old doesn't know what's going on. I have pointed out that 6 year olds know a lot more than he thinks they do, but he is absolutely convinced that I'm wrong. Funny thing is that he is a completely over protective dad other than that. Not evil, just dumb.

[piratecat]

hi, well thanks for allthese welcome words of support. As has been pointed out, it never ends does it, the tears fall at any age.

colditz,so near the truth, yuor post made me laff, it really did! My ex is german.

Yuor right all i can do is be there be there.

Don't you find all, inc purpleone, that you get so sick sick sick of the tears, and having to say the same stuff over and over. I don't mean I don't like doing it, it just feels as tho I am being repetitive but it's not even denting the hurt she' actually feels?

I have tried over and over, mostly calmly to try and explain to him, how he could make a difference.

head in sand i am afraid. I have explained to dd that I have told him how she feels, lots of times, and as she gets older Iwill just try and reiterate this so that she knows I am there for her.

I have given up on tryng to suggest things to him tho, which was a decision i made over months of being slagged off, and ignored, i just felt it was making no diference to the contact, to the general conclusion that he believes hislife is far more important.

had a very upsetting night with dd again so tired today, she was absolutely howling with tears, was angry and telling me how she has also overheard a conversation where they were saying I was a rubbish mother.

fuckwits

[shybaby]

Awful isnt it? Ive been called a rubbish mother. Mostly, it has to be said, by my exp's mother. Well she has a bloody short memory is all I can say.

She's always thought im a rubbish mother because I work "OH WE always cared for him" No love, YOU took over. YOU told me lies that you had taken him to the HV and he was apparently allergic to baby yoghurts (rubbish, I checked), YOU threw away the fresh meals I had cooked for him and fed him McDonalds at age two..YOU stockpiled nappies and slagged me off when I saw the heap and didn't send any for a week or so because I knew you had plenty. YOU changed him out of the beautiful clothes I sent him in, into your ex daughter in laws cast offs that she had "so kindly donated". YOU charged us £15 taxi fare just to visit him in hospital. YOU slated me to my exp's next gf and YOU were the reason she hated me until she (thank god) actually got to know me.

Exp's mother has slated me to every gf he's had since (many) and so far they have all come around eventually and realised that im ok. After all, ive cared for him for the last ten years with little help and zero support from him. Makes you bloody angry though. Good thing ds isnt daft, he knows who has always looked after him (no matter how much he loves dad, he realises dad is a bit of an idiot). He knows im the one he can depend on.