Hello! and really need some legal advice in a hurry please!

[LightTouch]

Hi, I started reading this board a month or so ago, but haven't really introduced myself. Bit shy

I've been having a hard time over a very long drawn out split. There's so much to tell, but in short (although it will still be epic), my DH had a brief affair when I was 8 months pg. which he then continued when my DS was 4months old. I found out because the OW is also married, and told her DH a couple of months later after we were all at a party, and she was apparently jealous seeing me and DH together. So, yes, she was supposed to be a v good friend of mine. The betrayal of them both was huge, and at such an awful time with such a young baby. She'd come into my home, pretending to be my friend, I trusted her completely. My DS was wearing her kids clothes, playing with her kids toys when I found out. It was awful. I had to go straight out and buy basics from Tescos so I could give all her stuff back and get it out of my home.

I went to my parents for a couple of days, then came back and asked him to move out. He tried to come back several times and although I agreed to spend time with him, I didn't ever invite him back into my bed (trust blown away), so he just went off and strayed again. At one point, when OW thought that he and I would make it back together, she told me that he had had another affair also, when we first got married. I was devastated.

Their relationship has been on and off, with him asking to come home in between (for nearly 2 years) but for the last 4 months they are back together, and living together for the first time, as he told me that he had got her pregnant. We are getting divorced, and he's become truly awful about splitting our assets.

He has stopped paying any maintenance for DS, and nothing towards the bills for the last 4 months. OW has apparently given up her job (though I'm not clear if she is still pg or not), and so he says he has to pay all rent on his own so can't pay towards the mortgage (she used to work with him so has the same earnings capacity as him). And although OW and her HB had 2 houses(!), I am told they have so much debt that OW doesn't have any money to help with their rent. I don't believe its true, and I don't see why DS and I should have to pick up the tab for her stopping work, and not paying her way for herself and her two kids. (It seems daft that she would give up her job with ML due in a few months, unless she is trying to get the most out of her own divorce settlement).

He's said he wants 50% of the equity of the house, and I need to agree to that within 14 days. If I don't agree, he will start procedings and in addition to 50% of the house, wants 50% of my pension and savings.

He sells pensions but didn't ever bother getting one himself. He is also somehow showing a lower salary in the last year than in the 5/6 years before, and so is saying now that I earn more than him. I work 4days/week, and was always hoping to only do 3 but went back for 4 as was worried about how I would cope with money. He also hid an inheritance that is roughtly the same amount as my pension, but says that his inheritance is non-matrimonial even though he asked for a reconcilliation through solicitors, well after it was received.

I can't believe he can swan off and make a new life, leaving me with DS and expect to get 50% of the house and of all my savings. His earnings meant that he should have more than me, but he has been far more frivolous with money. I am 36 and facing not meeting someone else in time to potentially give DS a sibling. I'm so grateful that I have DS, but I know many others have expressed the same feelings (not to mention the terror any new man would feel with that kind of pressure! They'd run a mile ).
I've also impacted my career prospects because I've refused to travel without DS. DH has none of these concerns. I can't believe he wanted to plan DS with me only to run off and leave me holding the baby!

He's also just removed half of the money from a joint account that we had, but the contributions he had been putting in were DS's maintenance money, (until he stopped putting it in - ok, I was daft for trusting him there too!). His solicitor says that as I didn't spend it all, I obviously didn't need it, whereas I was trying to save it for DS birthday party, new car seats (as several people pick DS up from nursery) and eventually school uniform and much bigger mortgage if I have any chance of buying DH out.

He's had estate agents come in to my home without me knowing, to value the house when I was away on hol... its just so underhand.

He is apparently able to offset nursery fees against maintenance. This may well be true, and I can kind of see the logic, but it means that if I didn't work, I'd have twice as much money from him for DS as I do if I work. When I'm this knackared trying to hold down a job, it makes me wonder why I bother.

I've had people telling me that because of DS, I am entitled to more that 50% of the house, (2/3 perhaps) but another thread on here was talking about 50%. I couldn't buy him out if that's how its going to go. and he would end up with enough to buy a house practically mortgage free, if he got that from me, on top of his savings and inheritance. I will be left with a stonking mortgage, and no backup if I lose my job or something. It just seems incredibly unfair, when I've done nothing wrong, and had so much thrown at me. It just all gets a bit much sometimes

I'm sorry this is so long, but I could really do with peoples experiences or knowlege of what I should expect from a settlement. I have a solicitor but she just doesn't seem very positive, and this 14 day deadline seems frightening. Thanks so much! x

[madamez]

It's not about what you need so much as about the fact that he is the DCs father and therefore legally obliged to contribute a percentage of his income to their support. With regards to the 14-day deadline tell him to piss off. He is trying to bully you: do not accept anything he or his solicitor says without running it by your solicitor and do not under any circumstances listen to any crap about keeping it 'amicable' and not going to court: people who claim this in a bitter divorce always mean 'Roll over and let me metaphorically screw you completely'.

You will at some point have to come to a civilised arrangement with him regarding access to the DCs (for their sake, he is their dad) but that doesn't mean you have to give in to everything he asks.

[LightTouch]

Thanks madamez! Does % of his income also relate to % of his assets i.e. the house?

Fortunately, I a pretty calm person so I've always manged to be consistent with access, even though all the hurt, and so I think we are mostly ok on that. He sees DS Sat to Sun every other weekend and 2 evenings per week (was 3 but he's said he can't come one of the nights any more). The only problems we have are about hols as DS is only just 3 and I don't want him taking him abroad or away for a week at a time just yet. we are building up. As he gets older, so one more extra night away at a time.

[avenanap]

You need to change the locks and find a new solicitor. Is the house in both names? If so, he won't be able to sell it without your consent as yu have an interest in the property. Don't let him have ds more than twice a week overnight. This will affect the amount of maintenance you recieve as it is reduced for shared care. Ignore the 14 day deadline, don't let him pressurise you into something you are nhappy about. I would contact the CSA about maintenance or find a new solicitor who can deal with this for you.

[LightTouch]

at avenanap. Thanks for the advice!
Am i allowed to change the locks if his name is on the house deeds as well as mine? In fact, I couldn't do that anyway, as he picks DS up from nursery twice a week so he can see him, and brings him back to mine. I wish I didn't have to rely on him or have him here tbh, but letting him take DS to his house is also a problem as he's taken him out in OW's car several times without carseats, and I'd rather DS was safely at mine where he won't put DS at risk like that.

He only has DS overnght once in 2 weeks plus (other odd special requests).

The house is in joint names. On this house, we put in exactly the same money, though I've put in more for decoration / maintenance, and put a small amount of extra cash in on our first house.

Tbh, I am at the point of saying "bring it on!" I can't believe that a judge would let him take half my pension and savings when he's had the cash but not used it wisely himself, and would make a 50% ruling with no provision for DS, and the fact that I've been left on my own, when he's all set.

[avenanap]

Judges rarely force a parent from the marital home if they have a child living with them to be honest with you. Whilst you are living there the law gives you some protection because they put the needs of the child first. The rules surrounding marital assets are complicated, which is why I suggested you find another solicitor. It depends on what each of you brought into the marriage, what you have earned and paid out and what's there now. They always make provisions for children.

This must be really hard for you, having to deal with this and the betrayal you must be feeling. If you need any support we are all here for you.

[gillybean2]

Firstly he can't offset nursery fees against maintenance. My previous boyfriend used to pay nursery and maintenance for his child with someone else. He might say he can, but don't believe him

When my previous bf's ex went to the CSA the CSA reduced his supposed arrears for the nursery payments, but said now they had assessed it would no longer be taken into account as it was volunterily paid as an extra and he didn't have to pay it on top of mainenance.

Course he might stop paying the nursery and you'll have to find the whole lot of it and take it from maintenance so it's swings and roundabouts. Find out if you're entitled to WTC & CTC. If you are you can get up to 80% of your childcare costs refunded through the child care element. Well worth it if you are a single parent. If you haven't applied for WTC, CTC, council tax reduction for single person etc then make sur eyou do straight away.

As to the house etc...
Chanage the locks. Inform the bank that you wish to put a freeze on the joint account as the money is in dispute. Open a seperate bank account and transfer your money into it before you freeze the joint one though. Inform your work and anyone else who pays into the joint account of your new account details. Check what is paid by DD or SO out of the joint account. If it's the mortgage etc you need to ensure the payments don't get missed.

Tell your ex to pay maintenance money into your new account only and what you choose to spend the maintenance money on and when is not relevant to him. You have more than every day expenses to consider. If you are seperated you don't need (and certainly shouldn't give him access to your money) via a joint account.

Do you honestly think he's going to play fair and by the rules now when he hasn't throughout your entire marriage?

Get yourself a sol to handle to money side. You will get royaly screwed by him and his sol otherwise. You can get half an hour free advise to start with to see where you stand.

You need a home for you and ds, he already effectively has a home with this ow and doesn't need the house or any of the money in it as he is already happily house. Course splitting it will be worked out later, but he won't get 50% of everything if you are the one taking care of the baby and have no home. You can also get advice from your local CAB.

Make notes of everything, keep a diary of all exchanges, contact, when he's paid or removed maintenace etc. You will be surprised how much you might need it later.

I know it seems tough when you are working and suddenly have all these legal bills. At the end of the day the sols are the ones who win every time. But you will loose out big time if you don't get proper legal representation for the money side of this if nothing else.

Access...
Don't restrict access because of maintenance as someone else suggested. Money and access are seperate issues. You should do what is best for your child's welfare and that means a relationship with his dad i'm afraid. If he takes you to court over this you need to show that you have been completely reasonable etc so document everything from this point and keep copies. You can represent yourself in family court and can get very good free advice from charities such as families need fathers and also your CAB in filling in forms etc. Don't use a sol for that sie of it unless you really feel you can't do it yourself.

Stay strong for your son. You can deal with a wimpy waste of space like him now can't you! Don't let him bully you into getting less for your son than he deserves, and that includes money and contact time.

Best wishes
Gilly

[LightTouch]

Thanks guys. You make a lot of sense and its great to have the support.

avenanap - yes the betrayal was cruel. So was being blamed as partially responsible for it by her! And then the name calling and hideous texts, when i have been nothing but polite back. I feel as sucked in by thinking that she was nice, as I feel about him. We were together 10 years before being married, and then 5 years after.

Gilly - you are right, he's not going to play fair, but every time something new happens, it shocks me. I should be used to it by now, but its like he has had a brain transplant (or maybe he just covered his tracks very well in the past). I can't believe I didn't know he could behave like this after knowing him for half my life.

I do have a solicitor, but I think I may not be getting the best advice. I'd rather I knew what was "normal" so that if they suggest something rubbish, and then say well we've managed to get you a little bit more so we were worth all the money, I'd like to know upfront if it was likely that I would have been on track to expect that anyway. The way I see it is that I don't mind paying one bit, if the benefit outweighs the cost. I just seem to be on a back foot all the time. I need to know what about my circumstances, will help me to fight him from taking my home and savings.

[MsDemeanor]

NO he won't get your savings, you've got the child to raise! Tosser.
Ignore the stupid 'deadline'. Register your interest in teh house with Land Registry. He cannot sell it without your consent and you bloody well do not consent. With him out of your life and you working you will probably qualify for a lot of help with childcare costs anyway. good luck!

[glitterfairy]

Lightouch, you are not allowed to change the locks legally but I would anyway.

The land registry stuff is important and so is the tax credits.

Change your solicitor if you are unhappy in any way and seek advice as to recommendations of good ones near you.

Best of luck.

[LightTouch]

Thanks!

Does anyone know what is a normal split of the home? Up to the split, we have put equal amounts in, including when i was off for Maternity Leave, and had less, then no income.

Does DS's maintenance get used to cover DH's portion of the mortgage. If not then can I argue that he hasn't paid the mortage (or if he says that what he gave me was for mortgage), not the right amount of maintenance, for 2.5 years, and therefore ask for a greater % of the house?

I need anything to help me swing the house % in my favour, or he will cripple me financially, and I will have no change of buying him out.

[LightTouch]

that, should have been, "no chance of buying him out".... Don't think i am going to have "change" in my pocket ever again...

[avenanap]

It does get complicated and there are alot of rules regarding marital assets. The courts tend to put the child first though, he'll need a roof over his head, which you already have. This should swing the house in your favour.

[madamez]

The courts do make a distinction with regard to the 'marital home' by which they mean the DCs home. Your XP has a roof over his head elsewhere so he cannot force the sale of the home which his DC and you live in, just to spite you, or at least he cannot force it through in such a way that it leaves the kids homeless.

[glitterfairy]

Of course madamez there are ways and means though. My X just stopped paying anything at all and I couldnt afford the mortgage so the house was nearly repossessed. Luckily I sold it and the courts were supportive of giving me time to do that.

The thing you really need is a good solicitor and to get these things sorted asap.

[WideWebWitch]

You need a rottweiler solicitor.
He cannot DEMAND you agree to anything within 14 days or any timescale he decides. Your assets, including the house are joint marital assets and it's up to a court who gets what, not him. In the meantime, record everything, change passwords on anything he has access to (inc your email accounts, bank accounts).

Good luck, I'm sorry this has happened to you.

[WideWebWitch]

AFAIK (and am not solicitor) there is no 'normal' split of marital home but it's up to the judge in your case, who can order whatever they want. You really need proper legal advice though. You are housing the children, that will be taken into account.

[Spero]

Some of this may be a repetition but hopefully its helpful -

your child will be the court's primary consideration i.e. his interests are NOT paramount but will be very important. If there is only enough money to secure housing for one of you, it will be the one who has full time care of your child. There are all sorts of ways the court can make this 'fair' for eg if you get much more than 50% of house equity you might have to give some of that back to ex once your child has grown up and you will be able to downsize housing.

If his name is on the title for house you are not legally permitted to change locks and I never advise clients to do this. If he is harrassing you it is better to consider an injunction - some judges take a very dim view of lock changing and you need to retain the moral highground.

But the absolute key is this; get a good solicitor who you trust and who you feel is dynamic and knows his/her job. Advice like this on an open forum can be dangerous because we don't know your full circs.

and absolutely yes, agree with all those who say don't let him bully you. He absolutely cannot demand a response within 14 days with regard to such a complicated and important issue. Keep all such threatening and intimidatory correspondence; might come in handy at later court hearings.

good luck.

[LightTouch]

Thanks again guys. This is so useful as I feel incredibly vulnerable, and I just don't know if my solicitor is not doing a good job for me, or if I'm just in a bad position.

Spero, I'm glad you replied. I saw you, and another poster give good advise to another MN lady and I think you are both legal/solicitor type people? But you seemed both then, and now to talk several times about 50% being normal, and yet I've heard so many people talk of 67-80% settlements that 50% has come as a real shock when I am on my own trying to look after DS, and he has a live in partner who will also have assets from her own divorce. He is atm saying that he has to pay for all their housing needs. Surely if she has the same earnings capability as him, then he can't say that I have to lose out because of him having to pay all the rent, when his bills should be shared by two people. (He originally rented his place on his own, and it's only more recent that she has moved in).

I think this letter is really very threatening and intimidating, but coming from a solicitor, is the court not likely to view is as from a legal source, and therefore ok?

I wouldn't change the locks on him and he knows it. I have the whole way though been calm and moral, and it just seems to allow him to take advantage because I won't do something nasty back especially if it wouldn't really be in DS best interests. He has in the past moved, and withheld that info from me so that I didnt know where he had taken DS to. I only found out that he wasn't where he was supposed to be, part though the weekend. Yesterday, he bought DS home 1 1/4 hours late with no phone call. I ended up phoning him after 50 mins late. i was going out of my mind with worry. Virtually every weekend when I get DS back he's soiled in his pants, and no ones noticed, so its dried, its awful (DS hasn't had any accidents with me in months and so I can only assume that no ones thinking that he needs to be offered the toilet, if he's making this many mistakes when he's away from home). There are so many things like that, and yet DH has said so frequently that I am unreasonable or want to get me own way. It's simply not true, I just hope that DH would treat me in the same way that he would hope to be treated, and I think because he knows that I try to be fair, telling me that I am unreasonable gets me to back off. It is bullying, to a certain extent, but its my own morals probably that allow it to happen. For the first time in their lives, I think my parents feel that bringing me up to be a nice person was possibly a mistake!

I am waiting on my solicitor to come back to me. I'll let you know how it goes.

If anyone is willing to share how their own situations were resolved, that would be great, but I understand that you may feel that that is private.

[SparklePrincess]

I went to mediation with my ex in order to sort out finances, maintenance & child contact etc. My ex lied his head off the whole time & the agreement we made is a bit of a farce. I was bullied into an agreement in which I get 61% of our equity. My solicitors dont think this is particularly good & they want to take into account the fact that ex is living with ow & she has her own home & business too I think & he has good earning potential, yet I will be in the position where im forced into finding a term time only job for 16 hours a week (not easy round here) & claiming tax credits despite the fact I have a child with special needs to take care of.

At the end of the day im prepared to go with this offer though because it will enable me to (hopefully) buy a small property for myself & the dc outright & move on with our lives. I know that if I try to delve further into his web of lies that he would rather spend all the money on legal fees than let me have a penny more. Its not worth the stress to me or the dc. I simply cannot do this anymore, so in effect hes won, but I get to move on with my life in a house that he doesnt have a key to & cant (quite legally) walk in & harass me any time he chooses. (as is the current situation) Thats worth more to me than another possible 50k. You can always make more money, you cant bring back wasted years of the dc`s childhood.

[glitterfairy]

I got 100% but only after x had bankrupted me and the house was nearly repossessed so the money went to paying off my bills! He is living with his gf who is rich and has her own house.

He pays no child maintenance and frankly has been a complete waste of space financially but he went to the wire over money every time and twice got into troubles with judges over it.