Lonely single mum in Swindon

[seriouslycelibate]

Hi,I'm a single mum to 3yr old son.He's just started to be aware that he doesn't have a daddy,and I feel like someone's ripping my heart out.Anyone got any advice on answering the inevitable questions, and on how to stop myself feeling like s**t?

[Sheila]

Hi SC,

Ms DS is 4 and has contact with his dad (a mixed blessing from my point of view) but he became aware that other dads live in the same house as their kids etc. about a year ago and asked lots of questions. I tried as honestly as I could and now he seems OK about the fact that his home life if different to that of his friends. He no longer asks about it, tho' I guess that might chnage. He's good at blocking out the stuff he doesn't like!

Does your ds seem upset about not having a dad, or just wanting to know why?

[seriouslycelibate]

Thanks for replying Sheila,I hope you check back to get this.
He doesn't seem upset by the fact at the moment,just curious,almost like he's not sure and he's asking me,just to confirm that it is actually the case.He's quite matter of fact about it.It's like the other day he was chatting to my mum and somehow the subject of daddies came up and he said "I haven't got a daddy.I've got a mummy,and a dog" quite fine and totally unconcerned.I've always known this time would come and I've been dreading it since he was born.I know a few single mums with w/e access arrangements and the children have come to accept that not all daddies live with them.But Ben hasn't got one at all,not even just at the w/e's.He's only 3 and I know this is just the beginning.I just don't know how I'm going to be able to answer him when he asks the inevitable "why?"

[seriouslycelibate]

[Sheila]

Sorry I missed this SC - I'm a bit of an infrequent poster. Can I ask Ben's question myself - what happened with his dad? Don't mean to be nosy, just need to understand why you're dreading the question so much. Surely not your fault you're on your own?

Were you really online at 1 o'clock this morning by the way?!!

[Beansmum]

SC, I'm going to have the same problem one day, ds is only 8 months so it's still a long way off thankfully. He has no contact with his dad and isn't likely to have contact in the future. It's partly my fault but I'm just going to be honest with him when the time comes.

I'll tell him that he does have a dad but when he was born his dad wasn't ready to be a father and we decided that it would be best if he just left me and ds to be happy together. OMG that sounds really horrible. ok we might have to rethink that story a wee bit! so I'm no help, sorry.

[beckyeliza72]

Hi all i have a one year old and I don't have any contact with his father and I am also worried, but someone told me that when children ask questions the way to go is to only answer enough for them to say ok... then wait till they come back and ask another, you don't have to go into the full story all in one go, not sure whether this theory will work as ds can't speak at the moment but it sounds good.... but the main thing is that they have lots of people in their little lives that love them.... although I wouldn't know either because I was brought up within a stable family atmosphere... oh god wot a can of worms?!?

[maisystar]

my ds who is 4 also has no contact with his father. like your ds sc he is aware he doesn't have a dad but is very matter of fact and tbh doesn't seem concerned. he knows he is loved by everyone in our family and all my friends, and he accepts that all familys are different, ours is me, him, oh and bear!!

as for what the future holds, who knows? for now i am happy that he is happy.

[maisystar]

my ds who is 4 also has no contact with his father. like your ds sc he is aware he doesn't have a dad but is very matter of fact and tbh doesn't seem concerned. he knows he is loved by everyone in our family and all my friends, and he accepts that all familys are different, ours is me, him, oh and bear!!

as for what the future holds, who knows? for now i am happy that he is happy.

[seriouslycelibate]

Hi Sheila!
Yes I was on here at 1am.I only allow myself the opportunity after I've done everything else that needs doing.Otherwise I'd sit down at 7pm and never get up again!!
In answer to your question,here goes.I used to be self-employed as a book-keeper/accounts bod.My ex used to buy/renovate & sell properties,and I handled the paper side of his business.That is til the day the police turned up and arrested him for mortgage fraud.Then they turned up the next day and arrested me too (3 months pregnant at this point). Turned out the accounts I'd been producing for him had been being put to some not so legal uses.I got interviewed and I told the truth (that I'd had no idea).I faced some minor charges but what I'd said helped to convict him of some major ones.Between getting arrested in the May and being sentenced in April the following year (son born Nov) he got married to some girl and moved to Essex somewhere.Other than court appearances we never laid eyes on each other after the day he was arrested.He blamed me for "spilling my guts" (very elequent wouldn't you agree) and threatened to go for full custody when the baby was born.I said if he wanted to play that game he wasn't laying eyes on baby til he had an access order that said he could.He never bothered getting one,and we haven't spoken since.What a bloody mess!!! I've got RSI now!!!

[seriouslycelibate]

Hi everyone else!!
I spose the main reason I'm dreading it is because I'm still not at a place where I'm OK with the situation myself.Ben was planned,we spent 6 months trying for a baby,and it just wasn't supposed to be like this.I'm 33 and I waited a long time, to do it "properly".I could have just had a baby on my own anytime,but having one with "that special person" was the most important thing to me.When he's older I'll tell him about the court situation,so thats not what I'm worried about.

[seriouslycelibate]

I think my biggest fear is that he'll somehow think it's because of him.That he'll feel his father couldn't be bothered because he's not worth knowing or something.Not that I won't do everything in my power to counteract any of those thoughts,but its his head.
It just breaks my heart that the only people in his life are me,my mum,my dad and his g/f.Son deserves so much more.I cut ties with all of my long-standing friends at the same time,as it turned out they all knew what had been going on but didn't say anything because ex asked them not to.Some loyalty that was!!!

[seriouslycelibate]

Every time I see one of his little friends with their brother/sister I say sorry to him in my head.Sorry for everything he hasn't got.Sorry for all the people that are missing from his life.Sorry that his sperm donor has got another baby boy,but can't be bothered with his first one.

[seriouslycelibate]

I do feel like it is my fault that he hasn't got a father.If I'd made a better choice of man in the first place none of this would have happened.

[seriouslycelibate]

Anyway sorry everyone!! I feel better now I've had a bit of a rant.Its wonderfully therapeutic talking to a computer (and it is just my computer cos theres no other bugger daft enough to be on here at this time of night) Good night!!!

[essbee]

Message withdrawn

[maisystar]

how did i manage to post twice last night?! (probably head hitting keyboard with tiredness)

it isn't your fault he doesn't have a dad although i know how you feel. we have just moved and our new neighbours are mum, dad, little boy, little girl. the other day the little girl was helping her dad wash the car, made me a bit sad but you have to think of the positives. ds and i washed his cosy coupe car!

[Sheila]

Hello again SC. What a difficult time you've had! Your ds is lucky to have such a strong mummy!

Funnily enough although my situation is different in that ds sees his dad, I have the same feelings of guilt about him having no siblings and no "on-site" father. I'm unlikely to have any more kids since I'm 42 this year and have no partner, and this is a source of grief for me personally and on ds's behalf - he would SO love a little brother or sister. Instead I getting him (and me) a cat!

I don't mean to be flippant or belittle your genuine feelings of sadness for your boy, but I do think that in many ways being a parent is all about being guilty about something. I'm sure many parents with more than one child feel they don't give enough attention to each one, and many women in unhappy relationships probably feel guilty about the poor models they are providing for their children.

Guess I'm trying to say - don't be so hard on yourself! You are doing your best.

Oh, and go to bed!

[hippi]

Hi sc, just been reading this - sorry I sleep at 1am in the morning and have tears in y eyes. No advice, i'm afraid. But it isn't your fault, any it's isn't how many people he has in his life it's the amount of love he receives. I come from a large extended family as does my dh, it doesn't mean a thing i can still count on one hand the people in my family who genuinely care and love me, my dd and ds. Sheila's right there's not a mum out there that doesn't feel guilty about something. So don't feel shit, and i'm glad other people are posting at ridiculous times of the morning with you1

[seriouslycelibate]

Hello!!

It's the night owl again.You don't know how grateful I am to speak to all of you.I feel so lonely,its been a lifesaver.All of the mums I know are "2.4's" and they nod and look sympathetic but they don't really have a clue.I don't know any other single parents.I tried to get a swindon branch of Gingerbread off the ground early last year but it just didn't happen.Gingerbread were absolutely sod-all help and as much as I wanted it to happen I just couldn't do it on my own,which is really depressing.I work three days a week and by the time Ben goes to bed I'm fit to drop.But then you all know where I'm coming from on that one,don't you.I suppose it doesn't help that all of Bens friends are in your average 2.4 family.Weekends are horrible,cos all of our/his friends are having "quality family time" (vomit vomit).I'm dreading the summer.Feeling obliged to make the most of the weather with numerous days out on our own surrounded by endless "happy families".Joy! (anyone notice the hint of sarcasm)

[seriouslycelibate]

Sheila you do speak a lot of sense.I've come to the conclusion that feeling guilty about one thing or another at any given moment is a major part of being a mum.It makes me really angry that people are so quick to slate single parents when they've got absolutely no idea how bloody lonely a place it is to be.I think I have to try and be a bit more like you maisystar and try to just be happy that he's happy and leave it at that.

[seriouslycelibate]

For a long time I've wanted to be a foster parent.I had a very abusive childhood and I've wanted to use my experience working with the child protection team but my past partners just haven't been from the same mould.If our situation was different Ben would hopefully have had a sibling by now,and I don't want him to grow up alone just because I made some crap choices.So I decided to go for it.I've spent the last six months going through the preparation process,and I should go up for panel approval about easter time.I figure at the same time as helping another child,I can give Ben someone to share his home with too.Perhaps it might also help me feel less sad about what he's missing out on.

[hippi]

Good on - fostering! Lots of children need some love in theor lives and you're an angel giving the opportunity to some lucky child. Hope everything goes well for you!

[Sheila]

Can really empathise over weekend difficulties Sc - I used to dread them too. They've got much easier over the last couple of years now ds is old enough to go to play at his friends' houses on his own at weekends and they can come to him. I'm lucky in that I know quite a few families with 2 parents who aren't too couply and will contemplate doing things separately at weekends. When I lived elsewhere it was impossible to winkle anyone out at weekends.

Good on you for fostering - wow!

[seriouslycelibate]

Thanks guys.I'm really nervous.Hope I can rise to the challenge.Thats part of the reason I'd like to make some new friends to be able to go and visit and stuff.It's got the potential to be very isolating,and I don't want to end up in that situation.

[hippi]

SC, do you have a surestart in your area? it's agovernment scheme which works along side local councils to give all children under the age of 4 the same start in life. However it is a great place to meet like minded mums, they hold coffe mornings (with activities for the kids) and they charge about 30p, for you're coffe. And their pop in sessions. Stroy time at local libraries with activities for kids. Days out at half the normal cost,they subsidise panto outings. But most of all there will be other single mums to chat to, and Ben (and foster child - fingers croswed) will be entertained. I think there is a website - will find out. I use surestart in my area and it's great - not clicky like some groups.