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ex now wants sole residency !!!!!!!!!!!

(28 Posts)
taken4granted Sun 01-Jun-08 17:11:02

ex shithead saw dd today and wouldnt sign forms for mediation so I lostmy rag at him a little oops - he then said that he was going to take me to court for sole residency as I am an unfit mother - long story but its all gone nasty since he admitted hes seeing someone else ( more on his side being nasty) anyway - he wants PR as well "just because I want it its my legal right" (nothing about the welfare of his dd etc etc) and because I lost my temper and shouted at him to F off hes decided Im an unfit mother and so cannot be a fit person to care for my dd.

Would a court really give him residency?? - he earns £150k + a year (but wouldnt give up his jpb to care for dd wont see her after school as it means finishing work early) and wants me to get a F/T job I work P/t school hrs term time earning £6k. He could obviously afford a nanny/childcare which I clearly cant and tbh I dont want my dd to go into childcare its only been 3 months since he walked out on us .

Has anyone else got any suggestions - I will of course see my solicitor about this but any advice now would be good

wildfish Sun 01-Jun-08 17:22:16

lol I think the more money people earn the bigger the bs they spew.

You are looking after dd, you are the mother, your hours suit fine. He is NOT going to get sole residency.

The best he could get on a sunny day is 50-50, but I think (at least if my solicitor is to believed) the court will look at the child's interests, and if you can pick up said child vs childcare ....... the court is unlikely to go his way.

But given the 3 months, he could get a closer to 50-50 nights.

As for unfit mother, you are going to have to better than that. Really unfit means well I think its way below any sensible standards let alone a single provoked f off comment.

piratecat Sun 01-Jun-08 17:34:55

i highly doubt the sole residency thing tbh.

were you married when d was born, how old is dd.

he has automatic parental responsibility, if he named on the birth certificate after 2003 and you weren't married at the time of he birth.

piratecat Sun 01-Jun-08 17:36:30

oh and another thing, they all go mental imo when another woman joins the scenario, esp if said woman is hanging on their dick.

gillybean2 Sun 01-Jun-08 19:02:11

While he is probably talking a load of bs aimed at upsetting you please don't assume he will only get sole residency if he can prove you are an unfit mother.

My neighbour's ex tried to get her declared as an unfit mother, it was decided she was and still is a perfectly fit mother. However her ex still convinced a CAFCAS officer and judge to give him sole residency of their two kids as he appeared able to deal with their daughters 'difficult' behaviour. He did this by threatening and intimidating the children to make them behave when the CO was around. Nowadays he punishes them for bad behavior be cancelling visits to their mother amongst other things!

My neighbours sol told her not to worry that her ex would never get SR. But the fact he was violent towards her was considered 'history' and that she should move past that. Also he had a new gf, widow with two kids, which the CO favoured. It also went against her that she stopped all contact with dad and made it extremely difficult for him to see the children while he promised he'd do the 6 hour (each way) drive every three weeks and every holiday because mum didn't have a car etc. Course that went completely out the window once he got custody!

Several years down the line everyone now admits mistakes were made and she has a very good case to get her daughter back. But she doesn't want her son left on his own so will only go back to court when she is certain she will get both children.

I don't want to scare you, and from what you've said I really doubt he would get sole residency. But please don't be complacent.

Make sure you are the one being 'reasonable' and he is the unreasonable and obstuctive party. Try not to lose it with him. Write letters regarding all dealings, contact etc to show your reasonableness and insist on written responses. You will then have documents to help back up your case. Record with an mp3 player all exchanges and document everything (no matter how trivial) so you can show you can acurately recall all and every incident.

Also CO don't like to see one parent undermining the other. Saying you are an unfit mother is likely to harm his case. So just remmeber that everytime he tries to make you feel that way and don't get het up.

Perhaps suggest mediation as a way forward. Get it in writing if he refuses. Court will want to see mediation tried anyhow. If you can come to an agreement so much the better. If not have your case ready for scrutany.

Ignore his comments. He says it to hurt you. If you really were an unfit mother he'd have called social services surely. And so would your daughter's school, your neighbours and everyone else concerned for your child. Noone has.

Stay strong. Focus on what matters, your daughter, and her welfare.

Take care of yourself

wildfish Sun 01-Jun-08 19:25:18

ouch! That is wild! Forget the OP you've scared me.

taken4granted Mon 02-Jun-08 06:14:14

Ive calmed down a little now - and I doubt he would get sole residency who in their right minds would actually let a child be moved from a loving caring parent to someone who is never around??? - anyway on another thought - Ive been thinking it fo r a while now (well the last month which I know isnt long bt it feels like forever) of moving back up north to be near my parents who could help support us both. - If I can get dd (7) into a school I might just go and stay with them temp whilst I try and find a job and somewhere more perm to live/rent. my next question is I currently get ctc and WFTC if I gave up y job could I get income support whilst looking for a job - after Imove and what does everytone else think about this - because the move would involve us going 300 miles away it wouldbe difficult for ex shithead to see dd he would be livid - would that not go down well in court if i upped sticks? and left for my own sanity - last week we went up north an had the most peacefull 4 days ever Ive checked out a few schools all of which are comparable to where she is at mo ( she moves to Jnr school in sept anyway) thoughts please evryone

taken4granted Mon 02-Jun-08 06:25:15

oh yes forgot I cant get him to sign he wont go for mediation as he has my forms and wont give them back - (thats whats a areswipe he is mr controller) Ill ring up for a new set of forms today but whats the piont if he wont sign either way he wont ring them either - I asked him to do that last week and he didnt hence I gave him the forms to sign - My gut feelings are that he will come round as he wants to be seen doing his bit so will sign eventually but in his own time which quite frankly is another of his controlling factors and the whole reason why Im considering moving away sooner rather than later putting distance between us helps enormously.

Tinkerbel6 Mon 02-Jun-08 10:15:01

Does he pay maintenance ? I cant see the courts giving him what he wants if he cant even do one simple think like sign a form, if he cant be bothered to put himself out to attend mediation for the sake of his daughter then how is he going to be able to look after her 24/7 ?

orangehead Mon 02-Jun-08 10:24:34

My ex use to always threaten this as well as several other things, like when my mum and dad decided to take me and kids on well deserved holiday he said he was in his legal right to get the kids passports cancelled. I rang solistor in panic who said there was no way he could do that. Only in very extreme cases do court take kids from thier mums and he probably knows that, but just trying to scare you. I would talk to a solistor though just so they know whats going on.
Btw my ex never did attempt to go for custody he just liked to threaten it every week.
Hope you ok, I know its very stressful even when you know they bs

TinkerbellesMum Mon 02-Jun-08 11:06:33

OK, first PR does NOT stand for Parental Right it is Parental Responsibility. No parent has any rights over their child.

A court will not remove a child from the parent it's living with unless things are really bad there, it has to be a lot better to uproot a child than to stay with the parent. Money doesn't come into it. If he is being this difficult he will have problems convincing a court he is a better parent than you. Gilly's story is extreme and rare.

Ulysees Mon 02-Jun-08 11:15:33

Scary story gillybean2. My mate's ex is going for sole custody. He's manipulating her dd (10) and is a recovering alcoholic who made their life hell for years. Yet he's now making his dd his life as he has no one else. He bribes her with things and tells her she doesn't have to say thank you etc.. Basically she can do as she pleases. The dd prefers him to her mum now and wants to live with him full time. The pattern is looking very similar to how he had my friend. The little girl is so sucked in by him.

I hope it all goes well for you t4g.

GreenElizabeth Mon 02-Jun-08 17:27:38

Absolutely, you would have to be violent and on drugs and he would have to PROVE that you were unfit before he would get sole guardianship.

The best he could hope for is joint guardianship. And that would be a hard battle for him too I suspect.

taken4granted Mon 02-Jun-08 21:52:36

thks everyone _ Ive had a mial from my sol today and she agrees in that he doesnt stand a chance on the residency issue - I like the qoute on PR meaning Responsibilities not rights I might qoute that back at him - hes ripped up the mediation forms tosser - was going to croos that out but doesnt deserve it. - On a better note have phoned the local school to mum and they have 4 places available starting in september so Im off up for an interview when they break up and we are off to trot - the way I see it dd is moving schools anyway in sept (to jnr school) and as he wont trfr equity into trust to dd name so we have an outside chance of staying in area she would have to move next yr (early) anyway so I might as well get all the crap done in one quick move and get her settled asap where I can get a f/t job rent my own place and she can go to nice school - can you believe the school has 4 places and its outstanding in ofsted report!!! looked lovely as well last week when i popped in to have a nosey! we would also be close to the coast so lots of cheap days out on the beach! Im trying really hard to be very positive about this for dd and my sake - I never thought i would move back up north but its worth it to ensure that dd has a permenant (affordable) roof over her head and nr to grandparents who actually want to see her and be part of her life sorry to go on but I never thought it would come to this - its heartwrenching as I know it will mean its difficult for him to maintain a relationship /cpntact with her and I will have to give her up in hols and miss her terribly but she will have a better life at the end of it all than seeing her mum stressing over whether or not bills will be paid roof over our heads etc just so we can live nr shithead of a father who only wants to see her when it suits him.

Ulysees Tue 03-Jun-08 10:44:11

You're sounding stronger now. Where up north are you going (roughly) I live in the North East.
I just moved house again and there's a nice school over the road but I share care with exdh and he'd go nuts if I swapped schools. Plus boys don't want to. The school they go to is at least half an hour walk. Even if I bus there it takes ages with traffic.

prettybird Tue 03-Jun-08 11:15:27

I'd also ring up and get the mediation forms agan - tell them why you need them again (iue that he ripped themup). Shows that you are willing to try to work something out, even if he isn't.

TinkerbellesMum Tue 03-Jun-08 12:20:09

Glad to hear you're feeling happier. I'm sure he is trying to worry you (like the lady who's ex said he wanted their sons clothes for his theoretical next child).

A lot of people think PR stands for Rights, it's one of my pet hates! I get so annoyed at my partners family going on about how he needs to sort things out with the solicitor (yes he does, he's being walked over by his ex) because he's got rights erm... no, he hasn't. The boys have a right to a family life, they have a right to a relationship with their dad and sister. It's Dad's Responsibility to make sure they get that. He isn't travelling all the way to London and back once a fortnight for his right to see his sons, he's doing it for their right to see him and his responsibility to make sure it happens.

I just found this:

What is parental responsibility?

providing a home for the child
having contact with and living with the child
protecting and maintaining the child
disciplining the child
choosing and providing for the child's education
determining the religion of the child
agreeing to the child's medical treatment
naming the child and agreeing to any change of the child's name
accompanying the child outside the UK and agreeing to the child's emigration, should the issue arise
being responsible for the child's property
appointing a guardian for the child, if necessary
allowing confidential information about the child to be disclosed

Sorry if I've rambled on a bit.

GreenElizabeth Tue 03-Jun-08 16:51:06

You sound strong. ditto pretty bird's suggestion. Make a note of it in your diary that he ripped up the forms.

taken4granted Tue 03-Jun-08 17:16:09

hi - up north is going to edge of lake district. I dont know whether or not to tell him as yet so I keeping stum - I will tell him obvioulsy but I will probably do it in mediation if I get there or just before I go - Im looking at going up in the school hols - well I have to see headmaster of school for an interview at end of term and then come back down to finish my notice period at work and then Ill be back up - Ive got loads to do pack up etc - I will also contact estate agents both to value the house and also to see if we can rent it out whilst everything gets sorted. With regards to everything he does I keep a diary and as he will only converse via e mail I have a copy of it anyway - and its really easy to fwd to my solicitor as well so she has a record.

I got my new forms for mediation today so Ill fill them in tonight and get them sent off

On another vein - Im currently receiving wftc and ctc in benefits - as my circumstances will change ie initially no job or home! what might I be entitled to as I need a rough idea of what Ive got to play with whilst I find a place to live in - I can stay with my parents but that is really a very short term answer ( she lives in a tiny 2 bed mobile home) and I need my own place and space. Once I get up there I will take anything I can just so that I can pay the rent whilst Im sorting the property bit out - as it will be going to court it will obviously take some time and then theres the obvious thing that we would have to agree to sell the existing house which in the market could take a long time

Leslaki Tue 03-Jun-08 17:51:25

T4g I'm in a slightly similar position as you. Living down south and hoping to move back to Scotland with the dc once everything has been sorted out. Unlikely your exh would get sole custody - my sol told me that working in a primary school with child friendly hours and the fact that exh works horrendous hours would go in my favour. Plus the fact that I've been the sole carer throughout their lives. Anyway my sol advised me not to mention wanting to move home till all the finances were sorted as moving somewhere cheaper could affect the amount of settlement - you're better off arguing that you NEED to remain in the family home for the sake of your child's security and stability etc. Then obviously once everything is settled, you realise you can't afford it all/can't cope etc etc and need to sell up and move home. he can't stop you moving North - would have to have a damn good reason as my exh won't be able to stop me moving to Scotland -got support of grandparents etc up there.

Unfortunately you won't get all the tax credits if you aren't working 16 hrs a week or more afaik. Hope that helps, sorry if I've rambled. feeling a bit more positive today as had a meeting with my sol and things looking a bit brighter.

prettybird Tue 03-Jun-08 18:27:12

If you are sending the forms to him by post, do it recorded delivery - or at the very least, get a certificate of posting.

Then follow-up with an e-mail saying you sent the forms on x date and could he let you know when he signed them (do a recipt on that e-mail too!)

GreenElizabeth Tue 03-Jun-08 19:11:47

God you're good prettybird. I'm taking notes.

TinkerbellesMum Tue 03-Jun-08 21:57:02

With recorded delivery you can track the item on the internet.

taken4granted Wed 04-Jun-08 21:28:53

mmm surprising enough I think hes s een his lawyer and has been advised to go to mediation after all - |I received an e mails saying that in the interests of an amicable relationshipe (???????????? hes so not been very amicable recently!) he would be prepared to go I can see him going and doing nothing just so he can say to a judge that he did his bit....cox thats the type of conniving git he is...

Leslaki _ ive thought about your points very good ones but Im still keener on moving the main reasons being that dd moves to jnr school in spetember and house will be up for sale by end of yr at the latest so it would mean moving her 2 in one academic school year (not ideal she struggles at school as it is) so Id rather get it done and dusted - surely I could always argue on the money front that If I got enough money from the settlement I could come back down especially if I go into rented accomodation????? or am I in cloud cuckoo land there - dont worry I wont be offended if you think I am

gillybean2 Thu 05-Jun-08 07:20:44

If you go to mediation and find that he is not actually there to achieve something it can still help you. Also the mediator will advise you both if they feel it isn't worth you coming back for further mediation. If this happens ask them to put it in writing with the reason why so you can show it to the judge. Whatever is discussed in mediation is private, but you can ask for such a letter. Also make sure you get his agreement (or lack of) to further mediation in writing.

Remember the first mediation session tends to be people airing their views and getting a lot off their chests. If he goes off at a tangent and keeps verbally attacking you then simply say 'I'm here to discuss the welfare of the children and to work towards a parenting plan for them. Please can we stick to matters relating to that' and get it steered back to that. Also try and avoid doing the same yourself, hard as that will be I'm sure!

Make sure you go into the mediation sessions knowing what you want to discuss, with some kind of outline in place as to a parenting plan for you both. And don't be afraid of calling to speak to the mediator ahead of time if you have any worries or questions. My last bf phoned their mediator to say his ex had a fiery temper and was likely to get very angry. As soon as she started going red and raising her voice the mediator jumped right in and called a ten minute break which really helped calm things down.

And yes, hopefully he's been given some advice which will make him see that actually you're being pretty reasonable and that what he should be thinking about is the children and their welfare and their rights and his responsibilities to them.

Best of luck

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