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How do you deal with your ex when you see him?

(18 Posts)
tammybear Tue 18-Jan-05 10:34:44

Sorry me again, same old boring problem! Just wanted to know how other people deal with their ex when you see him/her?

I split up with exp about a year and a half ago. He lives 3hours away. He sees dd probably once a month, sometimes visits can be fewer or more in between. He has known about me being with dp, but when I mentioned it last week, he went mad. I think he's been in denial that Ive moved on with someone else as he stilll has feelings for me, and treats me like Im still his. He said he didnt want to hear from me or see me ever again, and he would see dd at my mums. I said that werent going to happen as he has to come to mine and see me to see dd. Im not going to necessarily sit there and watch over him, but I will be around the house doing jobs. I usually go out, but I dont see why I should feel like I have to leave my own home because him and his parents have come.

He texted my mum last night, saying that he was going to come on Sunday. Hasnt bothered saying anything to me, and if he doesnt, I know Im in my rights to say he hasnt contacted me to see if its ok for him to come see dd, and I could very well just slam the door in his face and tell him to p**s off. Well also knowing me, Ill probably feel sorry for them, as they had travelled 3 hours to see her, he hasnt seen her since December, and his parents havent seen her since Novemeber.

I just wanna know how you think I should play this, if they do come. I will be away from Fri night to Sunday morning, so Sunday afternoon is the only time Im really going to see dd this weekend as Im going to dps straight after work, so I'll be wanting to spend as much time with her as I can then iykwim. Any advice would be grateful, as this is doing my head in, as I worry too much. Thanks xxx

Sheila Tue 18-Jan-05 13:26:25

Hi Tammybear,

Not familiar with your history but wouldn't it be better to let him see her on his own turf? Sounds to me like you need to make it clear you're separate individuals with separate lives, and that's never going to happen if he's around you all the time.

You would then have to deal with the logistics of getting your dd from a to b and back though, which isn't easy.

For the record, my x comes to see our ds at my house most weekends and it drives me mad having him hanging around my house all day! I constantly nag him to take ds out for the day or see him at his own house but xp consistently avoids doing this, and he only lives 1.5 hours drive away.

NameChangingMancMidlander Tue 18-Jan-05 13:29:33

Your ex sounds so very childish, Tammy. He's supposed to be doing what is best for DD because he loves her, not messing up your plans and getting back at you

makealist Tue 18-Jan-05 13:30:41

I think that maybe you should let him see dd at your mum's house. Does she get on alright with him, and is he okay with your mum?

Chandra Tue 18-Jan-05 13:33:40

Well, he has not arranged anything with you.. has he? He can not ignore that you are the mother and anything related to your DD needs to be dicussed with you not your DM. But Sheila may be right... it may be better/easier for you to let him see him in other place. Though I wouldn't let him to take her with him. If your mother agrees AND you have authorised the visit, probably that would allow him to forget you, it will give a rest to you (from him), and your DD will be safe "chaperoned" by someone you trust. HTH

northstar Tue 18-Jan-05 14:36:48

same sh*t different day!! Sorry it's not getting any better tb, x Power games drive me mad

Caligula Tue 18-Jan-05 14:49:45

Chandra's idea sounds a good one, without wishing to undermine your right to be treated with respect (and that means your status as mother of his child acknowledged and respected) this xp of yours sounds like someone you really don't need to see or hear of, and perhaps if your mother is willing to have this idiot in her house, that might be the best way of doing it.

However, i suspect that as soon as you agree to this arrangement, he'll come up with another demand. God, he's draining - even for me, and I only know him via an anonymous chat room, so what must he be like for you!

tammybear Tue 18-Jan-05 18:28:41

Thanks girls, Ive been at work so just gotten in. I told my mum I would sort it out as she keeps going on about it, feeling bad that she hasnt text back She does get on well with him, sometimes even takes his side but thats a different story. I do think it would be alot easier on everyone if he saw her at mums, or if I allowed him to have her at his, but problems are, Im not sure if mum would be happy with having them everytime they came down, plus I dont fancy driving 6 hours just to go there and back and be worried the whole way there and back. He doesnt drive at the moment anyway so he cant take her. My mum has taken dd up there once before, I wasnt happy with it and it made me ill through so much worry as he didnt tell me anything.

I was planning to go to Alton Towers for a few nights with dp as ex lives not too far from there, so least I wouldnt be too far away which would make me feel more comfortable, but everytime I give this some thought, ex does something to really piss me off and I sit here wondering why Im actually thinking of doing things for him. But then I realise Im doing it for dd, as I do want her to see ex.

I always said to him if he showed me more responsibility than I would be happier to have him have dd at his more, but at the moment he cant even change her nappy! I know he'll probably learn but its the little things that you worry about more isnt it? Plus, dd doesnt realise he's an important part of her life, she treats him the same way she treats the plumber. I know I'll still be constantly worried when she does go to his no matter how many times she goes, a mother thing isnt it.

Well anyway, I was going to ring him tonight and say I know he's texted my mum, but by right he should inform me. Also that if he wants to see dd he will have to come to mine as I will want to spend Sunday with her as Im away most of the weekend, and as we're both back to work/nursery on Monday, I want to make the most of her then. So I thought of suggesting to him to come on the Saturday as I wont be around. But I suppose Ill have to ask mum if she's happy with having them around, or if she would want us to try and sort something out, although I dont think theres much we can do! Sorry if this is very confusing and think most of its waffling, but thanks for your advice.

tammybear Tue 18-Jan-05 18:36:35

Oh and I just spoke to my mum. She says she doesnt mind doing it the odd time, allowing them to come to hers to see dd, but not all the time. Which is quite reasonable I think, as I think it is a bit unfair on my mums part having to put up with them every time they want to see dd.

northstar Wed 19-Jan-05 18:15:25

Hi just popped in for two minutes while the dinner is cooking. It is SO bloody hard knowing that all you want is whats best for your child and having to put up with this crap!
I have just come back from dropping ds to his df and im so angry im banging the keyboard. Really, the two df's are twins from hell............ I feel for you so much tb, sorry i cant help. If i lived near you i would xxxxxxxxxxx
Got to go but will be back later
Caligula i only met you on mn the other day but you're full of good words, thanx

tammybear Wed 19-Jan-05 19:05:29

thanks northstar. I did ring him last night, he kept hanging up on me and screaming down the phone at me. I said about him coming the Saturday if he really doesnt want to see me, and if he doesnt want to see me, then he's not going to see dd much as he cant expect my mum to always help him out. Plus even if dd went to his, he would have to see me then. Well anyway, he's still coming the sunday which I would have rathered them come on Saturday. hope you're ok, im dreading when ex has dd at his

northstar Thu 20-Jan-05 13:21:03

Hi tb, yes i'm ok. I am just getting ready to toilet train ds and when i bought a seat to put on the toilet i bought one for his df's house too, so that ds would be comfortable and it would make sure things went smoothly when he went to visit. BUT...when i drove ds in to his house last night I said to him "Oh i have no money with me can i get the £8 for the seat so i can get something on the way home" he went mental told me to f* off and i was getting f'ing maintenance surely i could afford to buy him a few things when he needed them
I was SO broke, and he is making a fortune and out in the pubs and clubs all weekend, but when he dropped ds off he had put the money into an envelope. It was all in small change, 10's and 20's and few 50ps but didnt bother me.
So what are you going to do? Is he coming sat? Maybe you should to to mediation? Get something down in writing so that you dont have to communicate in between times. That helps me alot.

tammybear Thu 20-Jan-05 18:58:53

oh dear, how annoying! ex is coming on sunday, not really what i wanted, but im not going to let them bother me too much when i get back from dp's on sunday. i want to spend time with dd as well, as its the only day i'll spend time with her this weekend, so want to make the most of her, so hopefully can come up with a way of spending time with her and allowing ex and his parents too. I dont know if mediation would work, as he only comes on sundays when he does, so they wouldnt be open, and would they be able to deal with long distance, as in have someone talk to me here, and someone talk to him there? or would we both have to be present?

northstar Mon 24-Jan-05 11:09:31

How did it go after?

tammybear Mon 24-Jan-05 18:42:14

Well I didnt get back til 1, as I was at dp's for the weekend. Ex got here bout 1:30. It was just him til 3, then his parents and sister came, and they all stayed til bout 5. Didnt go too bad I suppose. They didnt say or do much. His sister hasnt seen dd since dd was just over 1 so she was playing with her most of the time. It wasnt as uncomfortable as it usually is, but that was because I was either playing with dd or cooking dinner, so I wasnt just sat there wishing they would go away. But dd hid from them. She wouldnt look at exp in the eye and would lower her head so he was out of view when he came near her. She wouldnt play with them at first either, and kept coming to me for hugs. Exp hasnt seen her since her birthday and exp parents hasnt seen her since November so think she just felt quite unsure of who they were.

northstar Tue 25-Jan-05 14:50:07

mmm, thats a bit worrying that your dd wasnt as forthcoming as normal, maybe she is going to need more consistency from your xp and his family? I cant remember when ds got more clingy, i think it was a bit earlier, but they do all vary and there's nothing worse than trying to encourage them to go to someone when you can see that it is unsettling them.
Your xp is going to have to start making more of an effort i think, but it doesnt sound as if him seeing dd on his own at your mums is going to work at the moment if she needs your reassurance. How do you feel now?

tammybear Tue 25-Jan-05 19:39:10

I remember a while ago dd got clingy with me when around ex and his family. It was back in the summer, I dont know why as it was before he didnt see her for 12 weeks. I pointed out how dd was being and said to him if he thought it was fair to allow her to go there to stay with him when she was acting like she was with him in her own home. He actually agreed and said he wouldnt want dd to come unless she was going to be comfortable. That made me feel a bit happier as at least he's not acting too selfish and saying he wants her no matter what. I did suggest him coming down more often (what was i thinking! lol) but he cant come down anymore than he is at the moment which is every 3 weeks. So we'll have to see how things go.

northstar Wed 26-Jan-05 10:03:08

Well good for you, must be hard though. Hope you, dp and dd are all good, keep in touch x

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