Separated parents spending time together with DC?

[snotbuster]

My XP thinks we ought to occasionally do stuff/ have a day out with DS together. We had a very volatile relationship when we were a couple (with abuse from him at times). Since splitting up it has continued to be very up and down but we have now reached a stage where he has regular daytime contact with DS and we manage to be civil to each other at handovers.
Does anyone think DS (only 2.5) would benefit from spending time with us both together or find it confusing? I must admit I don't quite understand/am slightly suspicious of XP's motivations for suggesting that we do this (esp. as he's the one who's 'moved on' with new partner).

(We did have an afternoon out as a 'family' a couple of months ago that went ok (although my face was aching afterwards from grinning and bearing it). DS seemed to enjoy it but don't think it was massively life enhancing for him.)

[madamez]

There isn't anything wrong with doing it if you are all happy to do it sometimes. Admittedly my situation is different as DS dad and I were old drinking buddies (having dated briefly 15 years before DS was conceived, DS was a surprise!). We are not a coule and never will be but we do spend a certain amount of time doing stuff together - and sometimes he brings his GF along as well.

[mumblechum]

I wouldn't, if I were you. Even children as young as yours may interpret time spent together as a prelude to getting "back to normal".

There's also the danger that the two of you will end up having a row in front of him which would obviously be upsetting for all involved.

Having said that, I know people who will spend Christmas day all together as a family and for whom this works.

If you feel reluctant now, I'd say no for the time being, with a view to possibly reviewing in 6 or 12 months.

[hellsbells76]

it can work - xdp and i do something with the kids most sundays (and we're all going to a festival together in a couple of weeks), but the difference is that we get on well as friends and really enjoy each other's company. if it'd be difficult for you then you shouldn't feel under any obligation to do it. if there's tension between you i'm sure your ds would pick up on that.

[snotbuster]

Thanks both of you. I don't think DS remembers us being together now so probably just finds the whole thing very odd. Will continue to ponder pros and cons..

[CrushWithEyeliner]

trust your instincts on this esp as there was abuse in the marriage.

[Aimsmum]

Message withdrawn

[snotbuster]

Thanks again. My 'gut' feeling is that it's all about him (XP), and his desire to still be important in our lives. Some of the comments on Glitterfairy's thread (3 years of horror... - can't do links, sorry) reminded me of him a lot. He really still doesn't seem to understand that he did immense damage and that I haven't forgiven or forgotten, I'm just trying to make the best of it for DS. XP seems to think that what happened with us is all in the past and we should be lovely, friendly co-parents these days.

[madamez]

Yes, there is a big difference if he was abusive in the past: he may stil regard you as his 'property' and insisting on spending time with you as well as with DS may be a way of trying to exert control.
While it's generally better for a child to have contact with a non-resident parent than to have no contact, that's only feasible if the parent is not a danger to the child: better no contact than forced contact with an abuser.

You have no obligation to 'forgive' your XP for assaulting and abusing you. Has he done anything about his past horrible behaviour such as have anger management or indeed served a prison sentence? Is he, in fact, safe to be in contact with? If not, if he is still likely to be abusive, you can insist on supervised contact only.

[glitterfairy]

Snap! snotbuster.

Stand firm though. because what happened in the past does matter and until it is either forgiven or you really believe he means it there really is no point.

Why should you put everything in the past if you are not made to feel that what happened has been acknowledged properly by him?

Agree with madamez. Although what constitutes a danger can be difficult to quantify.

[AMAZINWOMAN]

last time you spent time together, your face was aching from grinning and bearing it. I don't think this is fair on your daughter to do this on a regular basis, as kids really pick up on things. She will realise that you're not quite your usual fun, carefree self and may be a bit confused if you're putting a face on.

[snotbuster]

We've been through a protracted court battle already - he saw DS under supervision (of a friend) for a few months but this progressed to unsupervised as nothing awful happened. I couldn't prove to the courts that he was a danger and therefore have to accept that he sees DS. Unfortunately I think XP took this as confirmation that he hadn't done anything wrong - he still sees what he did as the 'reaction of any man' to nagging, unreasonable me.
I know I should stand firm but also know this will result in yet another row that I haven't got the time or energy for. On the other hand I haven't got the time or energy to spend my bank holiday hanging out with him, pretending to be ok with it.

[glitterfairy]

OOOOOh the lesser of two evils though.

On the one hand pretending everything is ok on the other arguing your corner.

Court battles are a terrible thing for everyone kids included in my case but it is worse if they see someone who is putting up with bad behaviour from someone else as though it is ok